Babies: 0 - 3 Months

MIL constantly visiting....HELP!

Since my LO was born (4 weeks ago) I am a FTM and my MIL has been visiting constantly.  I am a very private person to begin with, but I feel like the times when my husband and I have a day off together, we should be spending the time with eachother trying to be a family.  Since the hospital, we have had 3 days off together with no visitors.  The day I got back from the hospital we had about 10 people over within 1 hour of getting home.  The following weekend, we had a surprise bday party for BIL with 50 people at the house. (note: I am EBF) The following weekend was Christmas....Christmas eve we had 3 places to go and we hosted Christmas at our house.  Now MIL is mad that I said she cant visit tonight.  I feel like people on his side should be more understanding.  My side is.  What does everyone else think? My LO BFs at least every 2-3 hours and when he gets hungry, the visitors think they can calm him down.....but he is hungry!  Just given him to me so I can feed him and he can stop crying!  I am getting so frustrated and I feel like it is interfering with my marriage at times!!

Re: MIL constantly visiting....HELP!

  • your husband needs to talk to his mother.
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  • I agree with PP... he really needs to talk to her and you need to not worry if she is upset about not being able to come over. She will get over it. You guys need you time.
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  • I definitely think you're entitled to a day alone with your family! I get so frustrated when MIL just snatches DS right out of my arms. I'm to the point where I don't even let her hold him because she won't give him back, even if he is fussy/crying. She always asks if she can feed him a bottle. No, you cannot! I'm here... there is no need to give him a bottle if I'm able to feed him (she's obsessed with what he eats, for some reason)! Anyway, if she's getting mad maybe DH could talk to her and explain why you want to be alone? I know that not every husband (mine included) will stand up to his mommy, but if he will then maybe she won't be so offended? Good luck :)
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  • OMG everything you are saying sounds exactly like what she does!!  The bottle thing pisses me off!!  Why would I do that when I am right here.  I am right there with you about not even wanting to let her hold your DS.  She does the same thing.  ERRR!  SO glad to know I am not in this alone!  And yes....he wont stand up to his mommy.  I guess I will have to always be the b*tch.  I never realized having a baby could cause so much tension!!
  • Thank you everyone for the support....I just needed to know that I am not being selfish or crazy!!  Sometimes they make me feel like it!
  • No you're not being selfish or crazy.

     My MIL feels the need to give her advice on everything.  She also put a birth announcement in the paper when we told her we were going to do it and then made it about my DS being her fourth grandchild...bla bla bla.  Then told us after the paper was printed that she put it in.  Sorry, slight vent.

     I'm pretty sure she found out how mad I was because she stopped called for a while after that.  Part of it may be too that my husband told her we were mad about it (the first time I think he has ever stood up to her).

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  • imagejrc2009:
    She always asks if she can feed him a bottle. No, you cannot! I'm here... there is no need to give him a bottle if I'm able to feed him (she's obsessed with what he eats, for some reason)!  Good luck :)

    In the same boat. Knowing that I just breastfeed! What makes me mad, everyone wanted to pass him around at Christmas. Now, LO has RSV and they STILL want to visit! GURRRR.......

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  • Your DH needs to tell her that you need space and she needs to back off.  End of story.  When my MIL was here visiting and thought she could calm the baby down when he was hungry, I would just go over and say, "Hand him to me, I need to feed him."  Say it like you mean it girl!

  • imageluvdug23:
    My MIL feels the need to give her advice on everything.  She also put a birth announcement in the paper when we told her we were going to do it and then made it about my DS being her fourth grandchild...bla bla bla.  Then told us after the paper was printed that she put it in.

     

    WOW!!  Some nerve!!!  I would be pissed too!!  DH's grandma was pissed her name wasnt in our son's birth announcement.   As far as I am concerned, it is about you, your husband and your child.  Whats with these people?!  Didn't they have their turn being parents?  Ugh! 

  • This is exactly how it's been with me too!  My LO is nearly 3 months, but I can still count on a visitor (usually MIL) every week still.  I can also relate to the visitors trying to calm LO instead of just handing him over when it's clearly time for him to eat!  I hope your situation gets better! 

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  • imageMrsT2008:
    your husband needs to talk to his mother.

    This. Your husband needs to be your advocate and fend off family and friends when you need your privacy, family time, whatever.

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  • I am so sorry! That sounds miserable! I thought my situation was bad but yours is way worse! My LO just turned 8 months old and my MIL still thinks she needs to come every Wednesday. It's like her check up day to make sure everything is going the way they should in her eyes. The problem with her coming - even though it is just once a week is the fact that I work all day, get home and would like to spend some time with my baby but she has her, and then she expects me to cook dinner for everyone. Which my husband isn't just the normal size - he is 6'7 and eats like it. When it is just us two I cook meals big enough for 4. So when my husband's mom and brother - who are also big - come up every single Wednesday I need to cook for 8+ people because they eat so much. And then, after everyone has eaten I, myself have to clean everything up. I get so irritated because just when they finally leave and I would get to spend some time with my baby girl it is time for her to go to bed...ugh! Regardless my situation only happens once a week. It would probably happen more if she didn't live an hour away. My family lives in a whole different state which could be why I get so annoyed with her always coming because my familly doesn't get to. Your situation sounds unbearable and your hubby def. needs to say something. It's his mother and he needs to get her in check. I'm fortunate that my husband says stuff like "Alicia hasn't seen Alexa all day why don't you let her hold her", ect...and then he usually helps me clean up after dinner too. If he won't tell his mom then just politely say that you need to minimize the visits to 1 night a week/every other week because you three need time together to learn how to be a family of three. Tell her that your marriage needs some alone time time! I've had to say stuff like that to my MIL and it seemed to work. If it hurts her feelings oh freakin' well. :) GL!!!!
  • imageangie9661:
    My MIL comes by a lot too, but if I say that it is not a good time, she'll listen... but I know she gets a little sad.  My dad on the other hand, will call to see if he can come over. If I don't answer my phone (if I am feeding, or just don't feel like answering), he'll stop by anyway!  Sometimes I just don't answer the door...and I know he knows that I am home.. haha.

     

    Haha!  I never answer my door when I am feeding or pumping.  Heck I dont even answer if we are awake and relaxing unless someone calls to ask if they can come over.  My mom and her hubby would always stop by unannounced and we just decided to do the same as you....not answer!  They finally got the hint.  Too funny :)

  • Ladies I was reading through this thread; seeing myself in many of these postings ? here let me say IF YOUR DH IS NOT MAN ENOUGH to take responsibly or stand-up for you ? then it becomes your responsibly to do so!

    But before you do ? you have a response talk with that DH ? telling him * IF HE DOESN?T TAKE CONTROL in limiting those visits by his mom or others in his family - then you intent telling HER and any other member of HIS family where they can get-off -- thereby restricting who, what, when, where, or how they will be received when they come for a visit.

    I know this sounds harsh, cruel, somewhat being a b*t*h; but, you have to draw that line somewhere and the sooner they know/understand what?s expected of them the sooner you gain control of the situation. If they?re just not smart enough to see you need time alone with a new baby.

    I'm assuming here many of you breastfeed (like I did/do) and my mother did us. From what I see in many of you is that your MIL more than likely bottle feed her child(ren) so she has no respect for you or her grand-child. This is sad to think she is that dense - selfish in that regard.

    I too had this problem with our first so I told DH it had to stop since we lived only 12 miles from his family and over 200 miles from mine. He agreed we did need time alone to bond so he had that talk with his family. They would call seeing if it were convenient for them to come over and would not come at or around meal time - unless invited to do so before hand.

    Now this is especially for ~Traver and Alicia~ I would feed them all a hot dog (those cheap red winners) on a stale bun and chips on paper plates and a paper cup of water nothing else. No seconds either! Then If they still don?t get the picture - message then ? they really are dense/stupid ? this goes for DH also. This stops you from spending all your time in the kitchen cooking on Wednesday in the middle of the week! I again know this sounds b*t*h-y; but, what else is there for you to do!

    GL all!!!

     

     

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  • Some of you need to learn to set boundaries. STAT. These situations with obtrusive relatives typically do not magically resolve on their own. Otherwise, don't come and b!tch about it if you won't make any moves to stop it. And I'm wondering how some of the dh's in this thread managed to conceive children when clearly, they have no balls.
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  • My MIL drives me nuts too. We are in a totally different situation though. I'm living with my parents and LO while my H is deployed for 6 months. Sometimes the "help" I'm given is not what I need or want! My MIL lives 30 min away right now. She expects to see LO twice a week at least!! She only holds her and rocks her to sleep. Then tells me I shouldn't hold her all the time. Grr! I compained to my H so much about it he asked if I wanted him to call her from Afghanistan and tell her she was driving me crazy and to stop rocking LO to sleep. I think she's finally getting it. I refuse to drive to her when it's freezing cold and windy. So she's been coming to me, granted, telling me when she's coming. I finally told her last week that I had plans and that she could come over later in the day. I also have just been taking LO from her for diaper changes ( we use cloth and when she would give me her back she'd be wet through!), feedings and now for tummy time. I've told her that she doesn't need to sleep it's tummy time and just take LO and put her on the mat with toys. MIL took LO when she was making noise, stuck her paci in and said "Let's do what Grandma does best" and rocked her to sleep. Ugh! MIL is doing better, but she totally needs to be trained! I understand that we will be moving 2100 miles back to our home later this Spring, but just be happy that you can see her a few times a month rather than pissing me off to much that I don't even want her to visit.

     If your H won't do it you need to set some boundaries or you'll start going crazy like me! I thought maybe it just drove me crazy being a FTM and wanting to do everything my way and not the way they did it 30 years ago.

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  • imageMrsT2008:
    your husband needs to talk to his mother.

    This and start getting comfortable saying "No". You will HAVE to start setting boundaries with people now that you have a LO. Its just how it is.  

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  • Yeah DH and I had several conversations about his relatives not coming over even before our DS was born. How embarassed was I that my BIL, nephew and nephew's girlfriend came to our house WITHOUT even calling just a couple hours after we got out of the hospital? They had my dog with them or I would not have opened the door. 

     But whenever people have said they want to come over, we've put them off by saying we'd come visit them instead-perhaps not that day, but in a few days.

    I'd rather go to someone's house where I feel like I'm more in control of the duration of the visit - since we can just get in the car and leave vs. throwing someone out of the house, which, no matter how you cut it, would be awkward. 

     



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  • imageMustardseed2007:

    Yeah DH and I had several conversations about his relatives not coming over even before our DS was born. How embarassed was I that my BIL, nephew and nephew's girlfriend came to our house WITHOUT even calling just a couple hours after we got out of the hospital? They had my dog with them or I would not have opened the door. 

     But whenever people have said they want to come over, we've put them off by saying we'd come visit them instead-perhaps not that day, but in a few days.

    I'd rather go to someone's house where I feel like I'm more in control of the duration of the visit - since we can just get in the car and leave vs. throwing someone out of the house, which, no matter how you cut it, would be awkward. 

     

     

    Good idea about going to their house....I may have to try that!!  Thanks!

  • How funny, I just posted almost the exact same thing on another chat room!  So glad to know I'm not alone & I'm not being selfish in wanting family time.  Thank you for posting!
  • Glad to hear I'm not the only one!  I also feel like I'm the selfish b*tch for wanting alone time with my new family.  My HB is a momma's boy & my MIL is completely overbearing.  We lived with her at the time since I moved from the US to Canada & was legally unable to work at first & it was costing us a lot for me to immigrate.  My HB had no desire to move away from his mother regardless.  Thankfully, we were able to move when our baby was 3 months old & things have gone way downhill ever since.  Back when I was in labor at her house, she invited her friends over for a tea party!  After being in the hospital for only 1 day & in extreme pain from my episiotomy, she invited the entire town over daily, even though I kindly asked her not to.  She was constantly telling me how I should do things, was against breastfeeding & any current advice on doing things more organically & was insistent on making me feel guilty 24/7 for not seeing the baby enough.  If it were up to her, she'd want to see the baby every other day, but I think once a week or every 2 weeks is MORE than enough.  My family is 500 miles away & you don't see them complaining!  I put up with her rude comments & only hope that I can survive this situation.  But I know the only thing that will work is if we move 500 miles away.  My MIL also won't let me feed or change my baby either.  She tries to convince me that maybe she has gas or something else - as if I don't know when my baby is hungry.  There is no way I'd ever trust her to babysit, as she's much older and is very laid back about safety issues.  It's a very straining situation.  I'm not usually a put my foot down type of person, but I've had to become one.  I understand she wants time with her grandchild, but maybe if she showed me more respect, or any for that matter, I'd have some more for her.  What is the deal with MIL's!?  lol  My mother isn't this way.
  • My MIL is a nightmare as well.  She made a huge scene at our wedding reception where she threw a temper tantrum because my husband had a beer. (He's a grown ass man...she needs to get over it)

    Anyways, if he will not put his food down, you need to.  Otherwise, she will take over your relationship and she will feel that she can be even more intrusive later (give her an inch, she will take 50 miles)

     

    time to cut the cord!

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  • I'd just be honest, tell them it's YOUR FAMILY and you need to spend time with each other bonding. I don't know how you put up with it for this long. I have an overbearing MIL as well and I'm dreading her attempts to stalk us after our baby arrives, I'm pretty open so I'm just going to lay it all out in the beginning, we'll tell you when you can come over ... GOOD LUCK Smile
  • imagesteph0501:
    Since my LO was born (4 weeks ago) I am a FTM and my MIL has been visiting constantly.  I am a very private person to begin with, but I feel like the times when my husband and I have a day off together, we should be spending the time with eachother trying to be a family.  Since the hospital, we have had 3 days off together with no visitors.  The day I got back from the hospital we had about 10 people over within 1 hour of getting home.  The following weekend, we had a surprise bday party for BIL with 50 people at the house. (note: I am EBF) The following weekend was Christmas....Christmas eve we had 3 places to go and we hosted Christmas at our house.  Now MIL is mad that I said she cant visit tonight.  I feel like people on his side should be more understanding.  My side is.  What does everyone else think? My LO BFs at least every 2-3 hours and when he gets hungry, the visitors think they can calm him down.....but he is hungry!  Just given him to me so I can feed him and he can stop crying!  I am getting so frustrated and I feel like it is interfering with my marriage at times!!

    Having that many people over shortly after giving birth must have been exhausting!  It is completely reasonable to want time to yourself and for your family to bond.  Intrusive family members can interfere with a marriage.  With my inlaws it is well meaning, but still a pita.  It is really important to set boundaries. 

    I honestly don't give my husband the choice to deal with his parents or not.  We had issues after the wedding and I told him point blank he either dealt with his parents or it would have serious repercussions on our marriage.  I'm not planning on divorce, but I will not allow his parents to run our marriage.  If it came to it and our marriage was on the rocks with counseling and he still wouldn't control his parents - there would be a separation.  Believe me, he took things a lot more seriously after I gave him that warning.  Because it is true - people with toxic behavior can ruin a marriage.  I care too much about my marriage to allow that to happen and that meant having to lay it all on the line for my husband to see.

    So your inlaws will continue to do what they do until your husband tells them a serious "no".  You don't have to be the bad guy - sure if something happens (like your MIL grabbing the baby) then you deal with it in the immediate situation.  However, it sounds like your husband needs to have a serious conversation with his parents about boundaries.  

    That's my two cents, I hope it is somewhat helpful.  I know we'll be laying down boundaries again when our baby is born - it's inevitable.  Best wishes for you and your family.

  • imageMrsT2008:
    your husband needs to talk to his mother.
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