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Postpartum Depression
Feeling terribly guilty and depressed.
A tale as old as time at this rate...I am really struggling the last few days with my PPD. The worst part, it's triggered by something I should be supportive of.
My BFF just had her baby the other day. And there was question as to if she could BF, because she had breast surgery. Turns out, her son BFs like a champ! While I'm happy for her, I'm insanely jealous and feeling like the world's worst mom.
I discontinued for a lot of reasons. I started celexa for PPD and was really worried about the side effects to LO, LO had a lot of latching issues and had severe jaundice and lost a ton of weight when he was first born, my supply tanked terribly right when I had discontinued, and I developed a blood clot in my leg and was put on blood thinners a few weeks pp and then my son developed an allergy to milk protein and soy (so between the blood thinners and having to eliminate so much out of my diet, that would have ended BF anyway).
I really am mourning not being able to have that special connection with my son. I remember the few times we had good latches and how content he was as he fed and how sweet he looked. I wanted to BF LO so badly. It was supposed to be my special thing with my son. I was supposed to be able to BF.
On top of that, she was so happy after having her LO. From the moment my LO was born, i had a hard time connecting with him, I was very depressed at the end of pregnancy (I had Pre-E), and I was very depressed when he was born. My birth story was not what I had anticipated and I am feeling a little traumatized by the whole process. I cried a lot at the hospital (pretended I was in pain because I wasn't sure what I was feeling), cried all the time at home...I was just miserable all the time. It's only within the last 2 weeks or so that I've started feeling better. She was so happy and beaming. And I felt like the world's worst mom that I didn't feel that way when LO was born.
I cried the entire way home last night. I called my husband on the way home from seeing her and when I pulled up, my husband came outside to give me a hug. And when I walked in, my son was all smiles. It helped to come home to my two loving men but I have to admit, I cried for about an hour after I got home.
I feel guilty that I'm jealous that my friend is so happy and having such success with breast feeding. And I feel depressed that I didn't feel that way when Danny was first born. What's wrong with me? What kind of a mom am I that I didn't feel that happy?
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Re: Feeling terribly guilty and depressed.
There is nothing wrong with you! It is very discouraging to miss out on a bonding experience with your little one. You didnt stop BFing because you didnt like it... You said yourself, you had to stop for medical concerns, PPD meds, blood thinner meds. You had to be safe, and BFing was not a good idea at that point.
PPD causes a woman to be unhappy. Its all chemicals and hormones. You have help, you have a loving DH and you have gotten medical attention. You and DS will be fine.
Part of the reason BFing is such a bonding experience is because of the hormones that release during a BF session. You can get your body releasing some of those hormones with cuddles just as well. Cuddle your boy lots and lots and whole bunches. Especially now that with meds balancing you out, it can be enjoyable!
Don't worry, you will feel better in time. It will pass! I also had PPD with my first son and I think a lot of it had to do with trying so hard to breastfeed and it just didn't work out. I would see other moms BF and it would just make me cry. As long as your baby is being fed is all that matters. And he needs a happy mom, whether BF or not.
My therapist once told me something that I will never forget - that my life at that point was like a snow globe that was completely shaken up and everything was just trying to settle. Look what we go through! I had a long labor that ended with c-section, not a lot of support or help from hubby, hard time BF and PPD while trying to take care of a very difficult baby. All while the hormones are trying to adjust themselves. Take it easy on yourself.. and good luck. You WILL feel better in time.
The good news is, he is being fed, he is healthy, and you are doing what you need to do for your son.
I didn't bond immediately with #1 or #2, but did with #3 - and he was the one I wasn't able to breastfeed.
This isn't a one size fits all issue. every mom is going to react differently to each circumstance and situation.
Your friends child is no more better off than your son. This doesn't have to have an effect on his future. Just do the best you can, love him the best you can and let the bond come naturally. it will.
meanwhile - try not to guilt yourself about it. depression and guilt are such a debilitating cocktail.
Good Luck!