I desperately need support

roxyttandme · January 2012

I just ran across this link (sorry, I can't clicky link on a Mac).

https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_119694.html

What if I caused the ABS? What if the painkiller I took that night I had that headache caused our daughter to pass? What do I do with this information? Oh, God. What if I caused our daughter's suffering? What if it is ultimately my fault?

I am hanging on a string not to break down at my desk. The worldwide director of sales is in our office today. I need to remain professional.... but, I can't breathe.

Petunia844 · January 2012

Oh Roxy I wish I had the magic words... you love your daughter more than anything in this world, you did the very best that you could to carry her safely. You made the most difficult decision a mother can ever make and you did it for your daughter. Please don't blame yourself, I know it's so much easier said than done... but she knows your love, that is all she knows. Please be gentle with yourself.

skye83 · January 2012

I am so very sorry you are feeling this way. You probably will never know for sure what caused the loss of your daughter. You definitely didn't do anything intentional. There are a million things that I look back on and think "OMG! Did I bring this on myself?!" he truth is none of us would have ever done anything deliberately to hurt our babies. All the speculation does is make us feel worse over something that probably had nothing to do with it. Guilt is a natural part of the process but try not to be too hard on yourself.

ToiKenne · January 2012

Take a deep breath. This is why the internet is a dangerous place. You can't blame yourself, you'll end up institutuionalized and it wasn't your fault. The article even says that the results don't prove painkillers are to blame. Repeat - it was not your fault. These organizations always try to look for cause:effect relationships in every possible thing. Please don't get hung up on this. They have no conclusive findings to prove it. ((huge hugs))

bananers · January 2012

Please don't do this to yourself. Nothing has been proven - it's all circumstantial, and the results are questionable, at best.

((huge hugs))

JellyTwoPointO · January 2012

Honey, did you read the article closely? The first word in the title is "RARE." All over the article it's peppered with disclaimers that it's very, very rare. That the research is inconclusive.

No, Roxy, you didn't do this. It's not your fault. I think in a recent thread we talked about blaming ourselves and YOU CANNOT DO THAT.

I wish I could get you to stare into my eyes, so instead, just read this text closely:

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You will ALWAYS find "what ifs" or "inconclusive research" out there or "very rare cases" to wonder and worry about. You cannot do that to yourself. I believe that you were a good mother -- that you're STILL a good mother (because YOU ARE A MOTHER to an angel baby) and that you cannot blame yourself or emotionally beat yourself up over the loss of your baby. Grieving is hard enough without putting the blame on ourselves.

Excuse yourself to the bathroom and cry if you need to. Take some makeup with you. Put a cold papertowel on your eyes. It's OK to cry. It's OK to grieve. Even with Mr. Hoity Toity sales man there. This is your LIFE and your baby. But no. Don't blame yourself. I firmly believe this is not your fault.

*hugs from afar*

Deethebee · January 2012

Petunia844:
Oh Roxy I wish I had the magic words... you love your daughter more than anything in this world, you did the very best that you could to carry her safely. You made the most difficult decision a mother can ever make and you did it for your daughter. Please don't blame yourself, I know it's so much easier said than done... but she knows your love, that is all she knows. Please be gentle with yourself.

I second all of this. You did not cause this. You gave love in every way that you could, more love than many would have the courage to give. Please don't do this to yourself.

shanrob · January 2012

I'm so so sorry you came across that article. You DID NOT cause this. Women all around the world take Aleve, Advil, crack, cocaine, you name it and go on to have perfect babies. Research is a tricky thing and often leads the reader to draw incorrect conclusions. Every single one of us can think of something that we may have done during our pregnancies that can viewed as "iffy". Everything from a glass of wine, to having to take antibiotics (me), to using our asthma medication as directed, to taking too long a bath. Every single pregnant woman does something, and fortunately for most of us, go on to have healthy pregnancies and not give a single thought to any of it. Us, we have to analyze it all because we need answers. And who is easiest to blame...why, ourselves of course. YOU DID NOT DO THIS!!!! {{Big hugs}}

babyquestnortheast · January 2012

THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT. Breathe. Deep deep breaths. Keep breathing. This is NOT your fault. Honestly, we cannot play this game with ourselves. Close the article, do not look at it again. We cannot wonder what if. It was NOT your fault. Read this line, "...the results don't prove that painkillers are to blame." Cling to that.
((big big hugs)) Just keep breathing!!!!!

bluebonnetmeg · January 2012

Others have already said it better than I could. It was NOT your fault, and that article proves nothing. I wish I could take away your pain. ((hugs))

BBhopes15 · January 2012

ToiKenne:
Take a deep breath. This is why the internet is a dangerous place. You can't blame yourself, you'll end up institutuionalized and it wasn't your fault. The article even says that the results don't prove painkillers are to blame. Repeat - it was not your fault. These organizations always try to look for cause:effect relationships in every possible thing. Please don't get hung up on this. They have no conclusive findings to prove it. ((huge hugs))

This, you can find everything on the web. There are articles that say FLU shots can hurt unborn babies, yet women get them all the time during pregnancy. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I truly don't think you did anything wrong ((hugs))

FreyaWin2382 · January 2012

First of all, big ((Hugs)) to you.

Second of all, YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE THIS. I know, I know....saying it, believing it, and feeling it are all different things (I still blame myself), but truly sweetheart, you didn't cause this to happen.

" It is not clear that the painkillers caused the deformities, however. And even if they did, the risks are minute."

Try to take a deep breath and let this information go....this study is just that: one study that might show a weak link between two things. That's it. You didn't do anything wrong, Roxy....it wasn't your fault.

Hugs to you.

zeitsev · January 2012

Breathe. As PPs have said, close the article and step away. You did not do anything to harm your daughter. Take time to go to the bathroom, take a walk, call someone you trust, whatever you need to do to bring yourself down.

((((((Biggest Hug EVER)))))

MAtoNC · January 2012

I just want to give you a big ((hug)). As others have said, there is no cause and effect relationship established between NSAIDs and ABS. I can understand why this has totally rocked your world, but please know that you are an amazing mother to that little girl, and sacrificed so much so that she would not suffer.

delino · January 2012

Petunia844:
Oh Roxy I wish I had the magic words... you love your daughter more than anything in this world, you did the very best that you could to carry her safely. You made the most difficult decision a mother can ever make and you did it for your daughter. Please don't blame yourself, I know it's so much easier said than done... but she knows your love, that is all she knows. Please be gentle with yourself.

I could not possibly say it better myself. (((HUGS)))

psychmajormom · January 2012

I love you sweets, please don't for ONE SECOND think that you caused your precious daughter to pass. DO NOT blame yourself, you did nothing wrong!!!! The internet just makes people feel paranoid and lies. I hope everything gets better soon! ((((hugs))))

bribri81404 · January 2012

Petunia844:
Oh Roxy I wish I had the magic words... you love your daughter more than anything in this world, you did the very best that you could to carry her safely. You made the most difficult decision a mother can ever make and you did it for your daughter. Please don't blame yourself, I know it's so much easier said than done... but she knows your love, that is all she knows. Please be gentle with yourself.

All of this! Please DO NOT put blame on yourself. You did not cause this. ((Giant hugs)) to you my love!!

ConnieRob · January 2012

Oh Roxy, I am so sorry that you had to come across that article.

You did not cause this. What happened to your daughter WAS NOT your fault. You ARE a wonderful mother and you love your daughter so much.

(((HUGE HUGS))))

ktsnshn · January 2012

Oh Roxy, I am so sorry you came across this and are feeling this way. You did not cause this. Please do not blame yourself. ((huge, huge, hugs))

mijakach · January 2012

I am so sorry you had to come across this link. I'm going to echo PP's. Please do not blame yourself! You did not intentionally cause anything to happen. I know it's easier said than done, but you can't do this to yourself. Take a deep breath and take a walk outside if you need to. And just remember we're all here for you. ((Hugs))

[Deleted User] · January 2012

Oh Roxy. I'm so sorry you are feeling bad today. Know that you did nothing and I mean nothing to hurt Haleigh. You did everything you could to protect her, and you ultimately made the very difficult decision to end her suffering. You are a very good mother.

((HUGE bear hugs)) And I wish I was there in person to give them to you.

ruthymusney · January 2012

((Hugs)) Roxy as everyone else has said, this is NOT your fault. You cared for her and took care of her. You were all she knew and she has no suffering in this world. Take comfort in that. You love her and she knows that. Nothing you did caused it. You made a choice for her that saved her from suffering. You took care of her, and you still do. We will all question in some way, but don't question that. There is NO proof that is what causes it. Again, ((BIG HUGS))

VikingQueen · January 2012

((huge huge hugs)) I really wish I could give you a real hug right now sweetie. I hate that you are feeling this way, nothing you did caused her pain. You were and still are a wonderful momma to your little girl and she knows that. She knows that you were looking out for her. ((hugs))

jerryliljess · January 2012

((BIG HUGS))

brideonjuly8 · January 2012

I'm so sorry. I understand your worry, though I'm sure it's not on the same level. I was OOT during my 8th week of pregnancy and I had a KILLER headache and had run out of Tylenol and thought one dose of Advil won't hurt, I'm not spotting or anything, it will be fine.

Whatdoyaknow, our baby was measuring around the 8th week when we found out I had miscarried at 12 weeks. I think about it everyday, multiple times a day.

I can't help you really, I feel the same way. Though I know in the back of my head the chances of that happening are so, so slim. Just keep reminding yourself of that. ((hugs))

Eveanyn · January 2012

Listen to me very closely:

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

(((((hugs)))))

foxxy1 · January 2012

I agree with PPs. There's no way of knowing and I'm sure you would never intentionally harmed your baby. The 'woulda, shoulda, couldas' are the hardest part about a loss and I struggle with that often. But your sweet angel's passing is not your fault. You did everything you could to ensure a healthy pregnancy.

TA110980 · January 2012

Petunia844:
Oh Roxy I wish I had the magic words... you love your daughter more than anything in this world, you did the very best that you could to carry her safely. You made the most difficult decision a mother can ever make and you did it for your daughter. Please don't blame yourself, I know it's so much easier said than done... but she knows your love, that is all she knows. Please be gentle with yourself.

^^^ All of this. Please do not beat yourself up. ((HUGS))

LaTi07 · January 2012

(Hugs) Sweetie, you did not cause what happened. It's not your fault. You did NOTHING to bring it on. I will keep saying it until you understand. It's so easy for us to get caught up in wondering "what if this is what caused it" because we so desperately want the answers we will never have. The thing is though, you will most likely never know the real answers. It sucks and it hurts, but in no way are you to blame. You loved your sweet baby girl and you are a good mom!

maxsom · January 2012

I just want to cry for you and give you gigantic hugs. You are an amazing mother and, as others have said, you did absolutely everything you could and you are absolutely not to blame for what happened. Try to breathe.

HopingforChange · January 2012

Roxy, it is not your fault, as everyone else has said. It just isn't. Things happen to people for no reason at all. That's hard to accept, and the mind wants someone to blame. But, there is no reason sometimes. It is 100 percent not your fault. You loved your baby, and she knows that., ((hugs)). One more time, it is not your fault. Also, google is evil. Step away.

roxyttandme · January 2012

Thanks ladies. It is only that the article specifically mentioned Amniotic Band Syndrome. I saw it, and my heart sank....

thatlauragirl · January 2012

roxyttandme:
Thanks ladies. It is only that the article specifically mentioned Amniotic Band Syndrome. I saw it, and my heart sank....

I'm so sorry you read this and it had this effect on you. Please please please do not blame yourself for this. You love your baby with all your heart and did nothing wrong. This is not your fault. Please be gentle with yourself!! ((hugs))

Sunrise6 · January 2012

Breathe! YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG! Sending you HUGE HUGS!

[Deleted User] · January 2012

The user and all related content has been deleted.

mikeANDjen448 · January 2012

(((hugs hugs hugs)))

besoul · January 2012

I'm so, so sorry you are feeling this way. Please know that your loss is NOT your fault. (((HUGE HUGS)))

Carolee · January 2012

ConnieRob:

Oh Roxy, I am so sorry that you had to come across that article.

You did not cause this. What happened to your daughter WAS NOT your fault. You ARE a wonderful mother and you love your daughter so much.

(((HUGE HUGS))))

I couldn't have said it better.

RedRose84 · January 2012

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You can't blame yourself for what happened, I know that is way easier said than done. I really hope the rest of your day got better. Sending you big, warm squishy hugs!

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