Do you ever struggle with blaming yourself?

thatlauragirl · January 2012

It's weird all the feelings that have come back since we're TTC again. I think back to my first pregnancy and it still fills me with this sense of self-loathing. Deep down in the bottom of my heart, I never forgave myself for losing my baby. I still replay everything in my head over and over: what could I have done differently? Maybe if I hadn't gone jogging? Or if I hadn't had those drinks before my bfp? Why didn't I initially insist of my progesterone being tested along with my betas? My progesterone was 7.5 with twins. Had we supplemented earlier, would that have saved him?

I know rationally that there's nothing I could've done. After all, I look at everyone else who's suffered a loss and of course I don't blame them for their loss and know there's nothing they could have done. So why do I hate myself about it so much? Next month is going to be 2 yrs since I lost him and I still struggle with this. I wonder how I'm supposed to explain to my son one day that I just wasn't able to keep his twin alive. Sometimes when I look at him I ache that I'm missing his other half.

I guess I'm just wondering if it's normal to still be dealing with this anger at myself. Does it ever go away? Or is this something abnormal I should talk to someone about?

Sorry for this being so long. I've just been feeling really emotional today.

raashton · January 2012

I still have some feelings of anger because I know there is nothing that I could have done. I know it wasn't anything I did or didn't do, but what fills me with rage is that there was nothing to do, no control, or anything.

You are normal in your feelings, I just wish we could box up all the negative feelings we have and throw them out. Hugs and love to you.

sarahnz · January 2012

raashton:
what fills me with rage is that there was nothing to do, no control, or anything.

This.

Sending loads of ((hugs)) your way x

millejj1 · January 2012

I did, for a very long time. It's normal, just be gentle with yourself and take the time you need.

Hugs

FreyaWin2382 · January 2012

I can tell you that I blame myself every day.

Even though I know, rationally, that I didn't do anything to cause my m/c, that it just happened, I blame myself for not knowing that anything was wrong....I mean, my baby lived in me....how could I have not known when it died?

Hugs to you.

butterfly843 · January 2012

I blame myself often for my losses, especially when I find myself having a tough day.

[Deleted User] · January 2012

butterfly843:
I blame myself often for my losses, especially when I find myself having a tough day.

This. I do blame myself for all of my losses, but especially for the loss of the twins (story in siggy). I always think back to that night, and think "what could I have done differently? How could I have gotten out of that situation?" But then, if I blame myself for the loss of the twins, I'm blaming myself for the rape. Which I know, logically, also isn't fair to me. It's definitely tough.

Know that your feelings are normal and valid. Being TTCAL is really tough sometimes!

((huge hugs))

JellyTwoPointO · January 2012

It's definitely a normal part of grieving, but I think it's also something you need to fight against and tell yourself, "No, it was NOT my fault" when those thoughts enter into your head. I struggle with thoughts like, "I knew LPD ran in my family, so why didn't I get checked out first?" But I know that it is not my fault and I don't think it's yours either. My doctor told me that unless I'd been jumping out of airplanes, binge drinking, or hanging out in hot tubs, he couldn't think of any reason why this could possibly be my fault -- so it's not. I've had to really hang on to that.

I hope you find some peace in your heart soon and that you'll be able to grieve without beating yourself up. Grief is hard enough alone. Take care, dear, I'll be thinking of you.

luvinlifeMN · January 2012

I still go through blaming myself at times. I do not think it is abnormal. I was doing pretty well until our first 'fail' our first cycle trying again. Praying you get through this low on your loss journey.

ecmleo · January 2012

FreyaWin2382:

I can tell you that I blame myself every day.

Even though I know, rationally, that I didn't do anything to cause my m/c, that it just happened, I blame myself for not knowing that anything was wrong....I mean, my baby lived in me....how could I have not known when it died?

This! I have this debate with myself almost everyday. The only thing that reminds me that these feelings are normal is to hear you ladies talking about it too. You are not alone, and it is not your fault! (((HUGS)))

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