parents of 3+

alibee09 · January 2012

Hi all! I usually hang out on the Northern California board but one of my board-mates recommended coming here with my questions. So, apologies if I'm asking something that has been asked recently/before (please point me in the appropriate direction if that's the case!) or if I am violating any board rules. DD is currently 3 (and DS is 15m) so I should probably be hanging out here some anyway!

Talk to me about having three kids: I mean, seriously, tell me about it. Don't sugar coat anything.

What's harder?

What's easier?

What happened that you wish you'd anticipated?

What did you anticipate happening that didn't?

I'm trying to get myself off the fence about three and having some frank, BTDT discussions would really help. TIA!

shopgirl78 · January 2012

I went and dug up my stock answer for moms of 3 : )Here is a response that I posted to something similar (sorry I am lazy to retype) I keep adding and adding to it every time this question is asked:Similar post on 2u2: https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/47558151.aspxOriginal Q was how do you give individual time and have enough love w/3 posted on WORKING MOMS: Honestly, I rely on my kids to occupy each other a lot. Isn't that what sibling are good for? Both DH and I try to have special dates with each one of our children at least once a month. I will take DD to girly movies or DS to get a haircut or a special trip to the store. Or I will play a game with one of them. We mostly do a lot as a family. I never really had the concern about not enough love, it's kinda of a foriegn idea to me. As soon as I laid eyes one each one my children, my heart just grew. With my boys, the bond was just instant and I had to have them. Each one of my children fit right into our family and I have never had a single regret.How is the transition from 2-3? The transition from 2-3 was much harder than 1-2. I thought 1-2 was easy! It's just harder logistically, 2 hands three kids. My kids will often hear, "there is one mommy and three kids. Someone will have to wait." I attend to issues in order of importance or by who asked first. I also look at is as patience building. The hardest part is my second child. He's a boy and he is 3, enought said?!? I had a hard time getting him to walk with me, stay with me. He still requires a lot of attention esp when we are out. I have to make sure I hold his hand. Hold the baby in the other hand and have DD hold DS1 other hand. I also find that this has split DH and I (and the kids) more. When we are out, DH usually takes DS1 and I am "in charge of" DD and DS2. Part of it is that DS2 is BF. And DS1 is tough. We are also more likely to have someone stay at home and someone take kids out. This is nice though for special time with individual kids. I have to add that DS1 has gotten a lot better just in time for DS2 to hit the toddler stage and this toddler stage, I often find myself reflecting, I am so glad I am done having children. DS2 tends to fall out with every little thing that doesn't go his way. Is it hard taking care of three kids?Now (5.5, 3.5, 15 months), no. It was much, much harder just a few months ago. I think its somewhat easier now that DS1 is weaned, walking and on people food. Its nice now that he can play outside with the big kids (it sucks that he tries to eat the sand). What is like financially? I will add that it has been very tough (financially) having three in daycare during the summer. DD is in Kinder FT. I am looking for employment that will have summers off (ie at a school). 2 interviews, no job : ( I just applied for another job with my current company that would = a raise though!How did it affect your older children? The biggest downfall (?) is that I think DD had to grow up faster. I rely on her a lot to do things for herself. She is 5.5. She can dress herself. She can do a lot of things. I am not sure if learning independence is a good thing or bad? I do hope it didn't take away from her. Although I can tell you I have the oldest girl of three with almost the same spacing and I turned out just fine!When all three ill... I just survived two of three being very ill...I haven't had to deal with all three sick yet (knock on wood!!) I've taken a lot of time off this winter with sick kids they seem to pass everything around!How is your relationship with DH? DH and I still have time for each other. Our kids go to bed at 8pm and we cuddle, watch movies, etc in the evenings. Room situation? The boys share a room, DS1 did share a room with DD. She moved to her own. They currently are not old enough to care. For the most part it works out fine, some times one will cry and wake each other up. Gah!Car seat and Car:Honda Odyssey. 2 boys in convertibles in second row. DD in booster in back. Love the truck space, drink holders, DVD, seat warmers, SLIDING DOORS, etcDo you regret it? I am very glad I had my thrid. Although, I don't suggest a winter baby for #3 (cabin fever & toddlers SUCK). I am glad I experienced everything in a different season. My oldest two are late summer, early fall birthdays. I am so glad that I went into labor on my own. I love my youngest son so much and as much as I didn't want another boy (I wanted another girl), he fits perfect into our family. I can't imagine my life without him. A boy fit better into our family anyway. Feeling done? Be prepared to struggle with the same feelings after your third though, I think they will just always be there. I know we are done. Its just bittersweet being out of the baby making stage. It's a sad chapter to close. We can't afford another at our current lifestyle. I am so busy as it is (but things have gotten so much easier as #3 aged) but sometimes I entertain the thought of 4 in my head. It's been esp tough when 2 co-workers just had their first...and all the excitement around the 1st is just, well you know... like I said above this has somewhat died down at time esp now that DS2 is a raging toddler! BFing: I did find it easier to care for a newborn with 2 kids that could entertain each other, in that way ONLY it was easier that having 2. Additional Advice: Oh yeah, and PTed #2 before having three. It's tough with a NB and a PTer (did that twice!)I love this site www.havingthreekids.comUpdated Dec 2011It's been a while since I updated my stock answer, April 2011 : ) So, might be reflective of the first 15 or so months...In many ways, it has gotten easier: DS2 now walks, somewhat reliable and can walk from his carseat to the front door or from where you'd order your food to where you are sitting- so you can carry the tray. I seriously cannot wait until he is PTed. Too bad he cries on the potty right now! As time has gone on, I def feel more done though MY BABY turning 2 is making me a little sad

( #3 lasts or first or hard. It does get really crazy. I know have 2 kids in school (one preK halfday) and two kids in activities. DS2 takes karate on Monday and Friday at 5pm for 30 mins. Then on Monday, its a rush to finish karate and get over to gymnastics by 545pm. #3 is just always along for the ride. He is at a tough age and can be hard to contain. In fact, lately I have been dropping DD off at gymnastics and not staying very long. MH gets there 15 mins prior to the class end in watches her. We may stay 15 mins, prior to know I would stay for the entire class. I agree with Ciarrai that sometimes its just easier to do it alone. I feel more in control, teach the kids to sound off (yell out 1, 2 and 3) and walk in "duck formation" when you are in tight places (follow behind you).I am pretty headstrong (did you guys know that?

and take the kids alone by myself about anywhere: I have flown with them, take them to activities, etc Its very doable but you are constantly counting them 1, 2, 3 and repeat. It seems lately that 2 are always fighting (just pick any two) and DS2 is in on it also. He'll just got sit on someone and he has started to try to kick and hit...great. They are in daycare today as I went back to work after 10 days so I know they can use the time apart. Its a crazy wonderful and you generally don't realize how wonderful until bedtime. I wouldn't change anything for the world!

alibee09 · January 2012

Before I read this: thank you.

CMM05 · January 2012

I will try to be short

For us, the transition from 1-2 was much harder than 2-3 (so, that was a positive!)......it is the logistics that is hard.

I work part-time and DH works very long hours. We only have one car that can fit all 3 carseats (we have a Suburban). I should start by saying that we have a 4 year old, 2 year old and a 6 month old.

My mom's car can fit 3 carseats, but she doesn't have captain seats in the 2nd row, so it's kind of hard to get to her 3rd row.

Financially, it has definitely been a strain. DS1 and DS2 are in pre-school and we still need a sitter for DD.

I should also add that DD is a horrible eater. We are having weight gain issues and she is on Nutramigen. So......we have very expensive formula and a baby that takes forever to eat. She needs a lot of attention because I can't just give up on the bottle since we are having weight issues.

We are very much an "on the go" type of family, so having 3 logistically has been difficult. You can't take 3 little ones to Target, the grocery store, etc.

Luckily for us, we have TONS of help. I honestly could not do this without my family. My mom is here at least 3 times a week. My IL's live 3 hours away, but my MIL will be here at any moment if we need her.

We leave DD home a lot while we continue activities with the boys.

I think the previous poster mentioned how she often says, "mommy only has 2 hands." I say this a lot I do feel horrible about it, but it is what it is. Our oldest has definitely grown up a lot in the past year and he is really a big help. The boys are very gentle and affectionate towards DD, so I can trust them all in 1 room by themselves if I need to run to another room.

I think so much of the experience of 3 depends on the personalities of your kids! Again, for us, it hasn't been the addition of a newborn that has been difficult, but the logistics of it.

I know though that each month will get easier We love having 3.

I won't lie: I have virtually no time to myself, except on the weekends when DH is home.....and I make sure that I get out. With working part-time, I just don't have time to do things for myself. When I get home from work, things are crazy. Baby is crying for a bottle/dinner and the boys are ready to eat dinner as well. I definitely feel like I am constantly either feeding them and/or cleaning up after them

But, again, I would not change what we have for anything! It is the best! I LOVE seeing them interact and love each other-there is nothing better!

GL!

trizzie · January 2012

I am totally on the fence about having 3. I want a third (badly), but I have terribe pregnancies. That said - I am trying to make the decision and I came across a blog that pretty much spelled out how I feel. www.havingthreekids.com. There are also message boards.

rsd12 · January 2012

Honestly you will figure things out. We just did not want to regret not having the third. He really does make our family complete. There are days I would consider a 4th if my husband would agree ; ) and then there are days that I reliaze three is just right!

Mrs.Greeko · January 2012

For me personally going to three has been easier than going to one or two. Going to one we had no schedule and no idea what we were doing so that made it hard. Going to two was easier because we already had a routine down so we just fit the baby into that routine and we knew what we were doing more, but the older kid still needed to be entertained a lot. Going to three so far (only 7 weeks in) has been easier because we are a lot more relaxed, have a good routine, feel confident we know what we are doing, and the older two can entertain each other while I tend to the baby. It can be hard when all three need something at the same time, but my five year old knows how to be patient, my two year old can usually wait, and the baby is so chill so he doesn't need much very often, just changed and fed every couple of hours. So far it's going well and nothing has really thrown me for a loop. Ask me again in 6 months though and my answer might change.

alibee09 · January 2012

You all have provided me with an incredible amount to think about -- I am very appreciative!

I work full-time, as does my husband. Daycare where I live costs around $1200/month, give or take. Both of my children are currently enrolled at the same place, and I currently make enough money as a programmer that I am doubtful I would be a SAHM should we have another kid. DH is also not likely to be a SAHD, so our major concern money-wise is the cost of care for smaller children (although DD will be going to kindergarten soon enough, she'll need after school care).

DD, who is 3.25, is incredibly high spirited. She is the kind of kid who has tantrums on a daily basis. I believe it's age-related because she was relatively laid-back as a baby; however, as DS has gotten older, DD has gotten more temperamental, which is certainly not a function of needing more attention because the kid gets a LOT. She is very emotional and dramatic and feels things very intensely.

DS is 15m and is relatively chill, although watching how his sister has developed into a terror, I have a little fear for our future.

Personally, I came from a family of two, and always wanted two kids. However, given how much I love my kids -- you know, that white-hot intensity that brings tears to your eyes when you think about it -- I can't quite take the notion of three off the table. DH comes from a family of 3 so it's not a foreign concept to him. (However, four? HECK NO. ) So, we're talking about it, but I want to know how hard it can be so I feel like I'm making a well-educated decision. I can't ever believe having kids is an impulsive thing because it's such a huge responsibility.

Jinsy80 · January 2012

My plan is to have DC#3 when the baby is in kindergarten. It's been hard having two little ones at home, so I'd rather have more one on one time.

UsedToBeGoldie · January 2012

i went from 1 to 3 ... so i didn't get to sit around weighing pros and cons about having a 3rd child

we love it... it's what we always wanted - and it works for us. Is it easy? nope, but it's our new normal.

there are certain things we have to bring a 3rd adult with us for b/c our twins are still at that age they will run in different directions, but it's getting easier the older they get.

littlebabyV · January 2012

I understand your thoughts completely...I have 3 kids ages dd 3y8m, ds 2y5m and dd 5m.

My husband works full time and i stay at home with the kids. Dd goes to preschool 3 times a week in the mornings. Your description of your dd resembles SO MUCH mine..so it is not easy because of the drama that can fluctuate around the house. It has gotten much better as she gotten older so I am hopefull that it will only keep getting better and she will continue maturing when it comes to making decisions instead of throwing a fit for nothing! One thing though, watch out you ds because he will imitate her and learn from her actions...even it may not be in his nature ( that happens to us by age 20-24m and up).

Now when number 3 was born no changes for dd, if at all she was so happy of having a little sisi and became more helpful ...now ds completely and drastically changed...being a well behave best sleeper ever in the house...the moment i brought baby home..everything we knew and loved about him went to the toilet. Daily night awakenings, rocking him to fall sleep for naps and at night, cat naps..you name it...and he became very impulsive, emotional , trying to get a lot of attention.

If Id known that he was gonna have that much of a change in personality and behavior Id have make much easier for him the transition...perhaps having #3 later or paying way more attention to him and continuing giving him first priority over the baby which is difficult to do with 2 toddlers at home and no other help than your dh.

It is not easier, i think at least for now for me but i dont regret it I wanted it, I am alll about giving and sacrifying for my kids but noeverybody wants that. I know the school years are not much fun for me or husband but much dedication to them...I tried to do my best and i have to admit that are dyas that i found my self yelling so much that i wish were different and more enjoyable...but also have to do with me more than them becasuse you have to realize they are still little children full of energy and eager to learn and explore ..so it depends how you respond

you have to make time for the things you want and prioritize because you are always doing something for them or with them....once i put ds in a preschool it will be much easier cause it will be me and dd

I still recreate the idea of another one not because i have things all worked out for me or it has been easier but because I think i can do it. Dh is not so sure he wants to continue on this path...he is not much of a babish person

It is a HUGE responsabillity...and i applaud you for taking things so seriously and not rather as an impulse. Being at home with the kids is the reason that pushes me for another one. Best of lucks and if you have more specific qxs let me know

erincjackson · January 2012

Wow. What a great post. You ladies are very insightful. Even though I'm not the OP I do greatly appreciate all your responses. We are also getting ready to try for #3 and have been struggling with how a new baby will change the dynamics of our family for the better as well as new challenges. The age difference between the oldest and the baby is also a concern for us as DS will be 7 almost 8 when the baby is born if all goes as planned.

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