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June 2012 Moms
LesSaintesMariesDeLaMer
member
DH freak-out vent
LesSaintesMariesDeLaMer
member
So we had our first childbirth class last night. I noticed DH was super-fidgity during the birth discussion. At the end of the class we watched a childbirth video. Out of the videos I've seen, this one was NOT that graphic. The women all had fairly straightforward deliveries, and there was nothing particularly upsetting in the video.
After we got in the car to go home, DH broke down and had a little freak-out session. He doesn't think he can be in the delivery room. He knows he will throw up. He can't bear to see me in pain like that. He is not going to be able to help me at all. I know him very well (we've been together for 12 years) and he's not joking or being dramatic. He is TERRIFIED.
Well damn. He is the only person I want in the delivery room. I don't want my mother. I don't want my sister. I don't want my friends. I just got laid off from my well-paying job and now we don't have the extra money to be hiring a doula or other birthing coach. So I guess I will just have DH sit in the corner with his head in his hands and a vomit bucket between his knees while I labor. Hopefully the nurses will be good and supportive.
Anybody else have a "birthing coach" who might require more medical assistance than you do?
</aThis discussion has been closed.
Re: DH freak-out vent
My husband is not a fan of blood and guts and all that jazz. I'm not sure how he is going to handle it, but I flat out REFUSE to have anybody but him in the room. lol
I just hope he doesn't pass out. haha
Being blunt here.
Tell your husband to get over himself. It's his responsibility to be there for you. End of story.
If my husband didn't want to be in the delivery room to support me and be present for his children's births then I would have a hard time assuming he would be able to man up and fulfill the role of father.
Get a doula. She can support you and support your husband so that he is able to support you.
ETA: Sorry, apparently my reading comprehension sucks. I missed the financial part of your post.
This. Completely. My husband would be getting an earful from me along the lines of suck it up and be a man. Sorry to be blunt, but he is being a baby.
Ditto all of this. He needs to get over himself. Have him put himself in your shoes - I'm sure he'd feel the same way that he'd want you there.
ETA: When my brother found out I was PG he said there's no way he could stand to be in the delivery room when he has kids. I told him good luck in telling his wife that. If he can make the baby it's his responsiblity to be there and help through the birth since you're doing the harder part of the work.
I guess I'm the minority that doesn't think her husband needs to grow up and get over it.
This is my first child. It is my husband's first child. I'm scared. He's scared. Does that mean my husband isn't going to "man up" and be a good dad?
Not at all.
I don't think somebody being afraid or squeamish is ridiculous and deems them not ready to be a father.
No, but it does speak to the character of a person who would abandon the person they are supposed to love more than anyone else in the world to suffer the scary and painful experience of childbirth all alone just because they don't want to be uncomfortable.
Honestly, your husband will probably be so focused on you that he won't have time to worry about himself. Let him know that he'll be by your head (especially if that's where you want him) and won't have to see what's going on down below unless he wants to.
He doesn't have to catch the baby or cut the cord or any of that jazz. DH is squeamish too and was so busy making sure I kept breathing that he had no idea what else was going on.
Besides, the whole pushing bit is a fairly small part of labour (timewise). Remind him that you'll need him there through the boring contractions too.
When you put it that way, then yes, I guess I do have to agree.
Guess I"m lucky that even though my husband is afraid and squeamish, he's never said he wouldn't be in there with me!
He has a few months to get used to the whole thing. I think it might be helpful to have him read some books that will give him concrete "responsibilities" during the birth, so he's not just sitting there freaking himself out. Personally I love "The Birth Partner," by Penny Simkin. It is geared towards expectant fathers and has tons of great info about what to expect and how to make yourself useful. There is a lot in there for moms who are planning to forego pain meds, but plenty for someone planning an epidural too. Knowledge is power. The more he knows about whats happening, the less scary it will be, I bet.
Also, I know you said you can't afford a doula. Have you thought about seeing if you can get a student doula? After they finish their training, doulas usually need to assist with three births before they are fully certified. I got a doula for $50 for my last pregnancy, and have just connected with someone that will do it for free for this time. You can check craigslist (that's how I found the first one), or maybe call a local birthing center or any "hippyish" birth/kid place in town and see if they have recommendations for you. Couldn't hurt to try! GL!
Just to clarify - he WILL be in the delivery room. He started off saying he didn't know if he could, etc. I told him I want him there even if he's vomiting, passing out, etc, and he agreed. There is no question whether he will present, but my worry is more about how much help he will be to me. I don't think vomiting or passing out makes him a "bad dad". I mean, gosh, he is a human. I do actually allow him to have imperfections.
Honestly, if you knew him you would not be worried about his 'character'. He is the best man I have ever known and he's going to be the best daddy our little baby boy could hope for. He just has a gentle heart and he's scared.
I thought other peoples' DHs might be struggling with the same issues, but I guess not??? (or maybe they are too afraid of the smack-down they will get to admit they actually have "feelings").
Oh I forgot - thanks for the book recommendation. I'm probably going to get it. Lord knows, we need all the help we can get!
Elonah [3], Bentley [1]
You made it sound like he didn't want to be there and you were, therefore, looking for alternatives. If he is going to be there then good for him. I doubt it will be as traumatic for him as you guys are thinking it will be.
My husband knows he isn't allowed to travel below or even look below my waist, so no worries about him seeing any of the gore.
Sorry if you felt like I was attacking your husband, but by the way you made it sound I honestly thought he was chickening out on you.
I honestly think my husband is nervous about going through labor and delivery with me (especially since I plan to go med-free), but I think he's just not voicing his concerns because he knows I am already scared to death and he feels like he needs to be the rock...even though he really doesn't have to be.
This. L&D can get messy, but he doesn't have to be below the waistline. DH didn't want to and I was okay with that. Oddly enough, when it came to my emerg c/s, he watched it all.
It's a totally different experience when you're in the middle of it with your SO compared to watching it on TV. Your adrenaline gets going and time really does fly.
He was there when baby went in, he should be there when baby comes out.
Like most of the PPs said, I would not handle this well. Actually, I am not taking this well. DH doesn't even see that it is necessary to go to my appointments let alone any birthing classes.
As horrible as it sounds, I may play the guilt card. "So, you expect me to do this alone, hm. I'm going to be scared, in pain, and alone. Gee, thanks."
for once, Allisonmarie.. i agree with you whole heartedly.
Could you plan to get an epidural, if more for his comfort than your own? Then he wouldn't have to see you in so much distress. Also, he could plan to stand by you from the waist up only. My DH refuses to look at the actual business end of birth. At first when he told me that (and apparently didn't look at either of his two other children's emergences) I was miffed. But its his way of preserving the mysteries of his playground.
Anyway. Chances are he'll be able to man up when the actual moment arrives. Does he have guy friends who've been through this process. Ask them to take him out for a beer and coach him a little.
Partly. LOL
I think it will become more real for the both of us after we go to our birth class. The one for next month filled up faster than I could click the link, so hopefully we will get into the one in March or April.
My husband has admitted he's not sure if he can cut the cord. I'm not big on him HAVING to do it. I don't think it's something he HAS to do. Doesn't bother me.
I've seen him when I've had a bloody nose or I've cut myself, and his Italian skin turns pasty pale.
I think during labor as long as he stands by my head, he'll be okay.
This. I totally agree with this.
My DH is so uncomfortable with blood and anything like that he turns away when we watch Grey's Anatomy and they show a surgery or something. But he did want to be supportive so he was there with me for #1. And I did warn the nurses that he might be one to pass out. But I kept him busy during the pushing part by having him flip the washcloth on my forehead so it would be cool and he just stayed there by my head.
The nurse later told my mom that if he had tried to stand up during that point she would've pushed him back in his chair because he did look like he might pass out. But he survived. I did not make him cut the cord. He got to push the little button on the nurse's phone later to play the lullaby to the whole hospital.
I think when it comes down to it, your DH will do just fine. And if he doesn't, there's a nurse that will keep an eye on him too.