Please help me decide..I'm giving myself 5 mos.

timeforfuninthesun1 · January 2012

I am giving myself until June to decide if we should try to have a child.

It is a huge responsibility. I love kids and know we would be great parents. The door is closing as I'm nearing 40.

Days seem to fly by and we're always busy. Fitting in housework is usually on the weekends and we both work full time. I wouldn't feel comfortable bringing my child to a day care but would be tight if I quit. Usually too tired after work to help with homework and making lunches, etc. plus all of the concerns to worry about, etc.

Any advice is appreciated. Would love to hear pros and cons from mothers with experience and wondering if there was anyone who ever felt like I do but now has a child and is enjoying the experience.

Pesky · January 2012

A kid is more money, more work, and more stress.

And totally awesome.

Honestly, if you look at it practically, there is no good reason to have a kid. It is completely an emotional decision about whether you feel it is right to expand your family. We've never regretted going down the family path regardless of the complications it poses at times.

ETA: both my kids are in DC. They are bright, well-adjusted and great social skills. Plus the kids and DH and I have made new friends and I have a fantastic pool of ready babysitters.

LauraLynneC · January 2012

first of all - 40 is not a hard and fast deadline...that from a 43 year old mom of a 6 month old

is it hard? Yes. But it was hard at 25 & 27 too. Do you manage? Absolutely. In ways you can't begin to imagine. you find the time, the energy, and even the money. You just do.

Daycare isn't a prison sentence - it's not for everyone but I can honestly say my child is learning and growing in ways he wouldn't have at home. Do I miss him? You bet your sweet britches I do. Is it hard? yes, but not as hard as you imagine it to be.

As a parent, you make sacrifices but the payback comes in smiles, coos, hugs, kisses, moments that make it ALL worthwhile. Yes, you're tired at times. Sometimes you're sure you're not going to make it. Then you find the resources and make it all happen. Some things get de-prioritized. Meals are often more simple, cobwebs go un-noticed, and your focus is on being a parent. It just happens.

A child bring so much love, joy, emotions into your life that you really can't imagine life without it sometimes. Like the romatic love you have with your husband/partner, you wonder how you lived and breathed without it before s/he came along. It's awesome. In ways I can't begin to truly explain.

NewMrs07 · January 2012

Having a child is the best thing I've done in my life and the most rewarding. But at the same time, the most difficult and challenging. My husband and I are often sleep-deprived, have no time for ourselves, often argue about division of chores and child care and money, and overall feel like we've aged 10 yrs in 2 yrs. But we were pretty set in our ways when Adrian was born when I was 39, so I imagine younger parents feel less stress and exhaustion than we do.

Just when you think things are working out and your kid is sleeping well, etc., he gets sick, stops sleeping well, etc, etc. My point is, that unless you have an au pair or a regular nanny and maid to help you out (or really awesome grandparents), a child will bring incredible amounts of happiness, work and stress. And I don't even work part-time, I honestly don't know how working single moms do it. They probably take a tranquilizer each night or drink heavily.

I also have an extremely active and stubborn child, I imagine if you're blessed with an obedient, easy-going and mellow child, your life will be much easier. Today Adrian refused to nap even though he's clearly exhausted and has not been sleeping well at night. As I type, he's going through the house like a hurricane and taking books off the shelf, tipping over stuff, breaking things, etc.

Children are a blessing and I don't regret having one for a second... BUT, like I said, unless you have a lot of people helping and money, you can forget about traveling, hobbies, sex, eating out, etc. At least until your kid turns 8. We don't even want to get a pet b/c I know how much more xtra work it will be for me and my plate is full. You'll never be lonely again, or well rested

NewMrs07 · January 2012

I meant I work part-time, not full-time. See, it's hard to concentrate when you don't sleep

Sunidaze · January 2012

I was anti-baby most of life. Then I met, and married, DH and suddenly my thoughts on that changed. We both work full time - and his schedule is really sucktastic as he is a police officer, working third shift, and also in the national guard, so some times gone for periods of time to where I'm completely on my LO. We do use a daycare, but love the one we have chosen. I am so glad we decided to have a baby. These days I can't imagine life without her, she has been such an awesome addition to our litte family. And she's seriously making me considering having another one.

That said, only you can make that decision.

CheezeFace · January 2012

I could have written your post a couple of years ago...I was terrified to have a baby for all of the practical reasons that you listed...money, time, exhaustion, etc... Parents who talk/complain about their kids constantly had me completely terrified to have one. It sounded miserable.

I realize that Ive only been doing this for two months so take this advice for what it is worth but I feel, really and truly feel, that the parents who complain about having kids, not having anytime for themselves, etc...are people who are looking for their "old lives". Your life is completely different. No doubt about it. Your days and nights are turned upside down, you can't believe how much formula costs or that you are out of diapers - again!-, you are tired and taking a shower feels like a luxury.

However, what you rarely hear parents say is that none of that matters. Being up at night with my son has been some of the best bonding time we've had. I didn't have my phone ringing, a MIL telling what I'm doing wrong, my DH bugging me (smile) or work emailing me. It was just me and a happy and wide-awake baby, figuring each other out. It was those moments "in the trenches" where I fell in love with this baby.

And money? Yeah, things are tighter now. Very true. But so what? I don't get my nails done anymore. I do them at home. I can't buy that cute pair of Uggs, I'm wearing Fuggs. But I really, truly and honestly don't care. I'm pretty relaxed about stuff like that, though. I will say that I was totally jealous this morning of a car seat my friend just got that we can't afford...:).

I have an MBA, I had a really good job, I travelled when and where ever I wanted, I bought pretty much anything that I wanted without too much thought. I have really fabulous friends ( most of whom don't have kids). I had a pretty cool life.

That cool life doesn't even compare to my life now. My only regret is that I was too scared to give up that fabulous life and waited so long to bring this little guy into the world.

One last thing ... If you aren't scared of having a baby, you aren't ready. Being scared just means that you are thinking about it very carefully, which means that you are already own the track to being a great Mom.

BrideBuddies · January 2012

Ditto to what all the other girls said....

I will only add.. giving yourself 5 months to decide is kind of harsh. This isn't like deciding who to hire to do your taxes. I'd suggest you not put a hard deadline on something like this.

Speaking as a first time mom when I was 42.

JilliansMoma · January 2012

I always thought I was too selfish for children. I wanted to spend my money on me, sleep in, go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Then we started trying to have kids and couldn't and after about 3 years of trying (the old fashioned way and with medical help) we were finally pregnant and once she was born all of my selfish concerns flew right out the delivery room window!

I can't really explain it but you just make it work. It's like these kids fit right into our life and we make it happen. Sure my dishes aren't always done everyday and my laundry can pile up but parenthood has been more than worth it. My DH & I can't imagine our lives without these girls. GL with your choice!

Chelz · January 2012

I think everyone said it great. I was 38 when I had DS and now that I'm 40, I'm still thinking of having #2, but not for another year or 2. There's no magic stop date at 40. Your personal choice, but if you want #2, you can't set a deadline.

I was lucky to get KU the 1st time we tried, but it can take longer the older we get. And it seems the Dr's group everything together once you're over 35 anyways.

Only you and DH can make the decision for what's best for you, but either go into wanting to have a baby with all heart and soul or decide now you won't proceed so you don't have any more emotional turmoil outside of what TTC already brings.

timeforfuninthesun1 · January 2012

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt responses!!!! I read all of your posts and am taking them all to heart. I really appreciate all of your insight and advice. I really do! I thought after 40 it's over for some reason. That's good to know! I wish I woke up wanting to do this. I am worried I'll feel like it's a daunting task and miss the life I had. But at the same time, it's very quiet here and maybe we need some people around ?! Need to go to sleep now, so tired from working all day long too. Will write more this weekend!!

Watergirl21 · January 2012

Hi I know I am posting late... but I too wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids. I felt like if it was meant to be it would happen but I wouldn't try. Anyways, it was meant to be and we had a daughter 19 months ago.

I am now 35, and I would never tell anyone to have a child if they didn't want to- but I will say that my daughter has given me so much joy in my life. I have much more patience than I ever imagined, and our house is filled with giggles and laughter and little pink things. Everyday we are constantly shaking our heads at something funny or cute that she has done.

At first I missed my old life- mainly just having time to myself or going out for a run or visiting a friend without having to worry about taking the baby. But now that DD is older I feel things are more balanced.

To me being a Mom reminds me of the best times of childhood. It's fun to watch a child figure things out, and get to teach them things. After having DD I want to have more and more kids. They really are so much fun.

As for DC- I wouldn't worry so much about that. I work FT and I wish I saw more of DD but I think she is perfectly happy at her DC. She learns lots there, does crafts, goes for walks etc. I think in a perfect world I would work part time and be home the rest- but honestly I would not trade being a mom for anything.

timeforfuninthesun1 · February 2012

Thank you all so much. Still don't know what to do. I wish I could buy my time and I wish I was years younger. I wasted my good years. I regret that I guess, but I felt like it wasn't right all those years. Still might not be. I wish I knew what to do.

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