1st tri girl, new to this board, personal question for all...

babyskins · January 2012

And real quick, here's my little omgeezy story...

I am in the tail end process of a divorce. Since moving out on my own, I have met and began a relationship with another man. We started off great, healing was all around, life was feeling good, yaddy yaddy yadda... 4 months later I found out I was pregnant, at approximately 6 weeks. He was happy, I was happy, also relieved that he was so genuinely excited and in it for the long haul. We went through the difficult process of having him both meet my parents for the first time AND tell them I was pregnant in one sit-down - not ideal, but under the circumstances, somewhat necessary. My parents put him through the wringer but he was a trooper, very supportive.

So here's the but...

He has what I hesitate to label a "drinking problem". Having grown up with an alcoholic father who drank daily and binged multiple times a week, not to mention the multiple other males, and females, in my family who struggle with alcoholism, I hesitate to use the phrase "drinking problem" or full-on say "he may be an alcoholic" because I've seen what severe dysfunction looks like and he's not there... yet. I know that alcoholism has varying degrees of severity so I'm not in denial that he has a problem of his own to deal with, it's just that for where we are in our still new relationship and from what I've seen in my own family, not to mention my complete lack of professional expertise on the subject, I don't want to label him.

He does, however, have a problem with limits. He doesn't drink daily, maybe twice a week if that, but when he does drink he doesn't know when to stop and he gets out of hand. Not violent, but more than I can handle and certainly more than I want around my baby. We've had discussions about it, sadly both the one-sided drunken conversations he doesn't remember and the next-day sober conversations that have impact for a week or so and then seem to fade away.

It was the same song and dance tonight and while he insists that he's sober enough to have the conversation, I know he's not so I packed my stuff and left. I wrote him a note for when he wakes up tomorrow when he can hopefully process what happened and take some time to think before diving back in to this issue again. I don't know what to do for him, how to help him, what's the best thing for him, me, or the baby. If I wasn't pregnant I don't know if we'd last as a couple. I definitely had my fun before I was pregnant (and before I knew I was pregnant) but as soon as I found out I had a viable pregnancy my life changed without even having to try. I know it's not like that for most men, but how long do I wait for him to pull himself together or seek help? How long do I give it before I decide that I'm going to be a single parent and he'll have limits?

Up until tonight we were planning on moving in together, but I don't want this in my life. I don't want alcohol abuse and it's effects and consequences in my house. I didn't have the choice when I was a kid but I feel this animalistic fight inside me now to protect this child from the fear and uncertainty that comes from seeing your parent under the influence.. but I also grew up with a single mother who struggled constantly and there are effects from that as well.

I'm leaving out a lot obviously, situations like this are 1000 layers deep, but hopefully you get the beginning of the jist, and I suppose my question for whoever wants to answer is, how or when did you know you had to be a single parent? How did you make that choice? When did you decide that a father with visitation or maybe joint custody was better than raising the child together under the same roof? Where did you draw the line? Was it the right choice or do you regret it?

Thanks for hearing me out, therapeutic in and of itself. And feel free to comment on the situation I outlined, I'm hoping there's some other anonymous woman (or women) out there who know a hell of a lot more about this than I do.

PrincessFiona9 · January 2012

My EX (DD's father) was/is an alcoholic. I say is because even though he's supposedly been sober for a few months, I don't believe it and I don't think it will last. Heartbreaking for DD, but true. Many women on this board, including myself, know what it's like to go through this situation. It sounds like your SO is young or at least immature, and hasn't grasped the fact that he's going to be a parent. It isn't healthy for a baby to grow up around a binge drinker. I would definitely not move in with him. Tell him to get his @ss to AA. If he can't resist drinking, then yes, he's an alcoholic IMO.

cemacmil · January 2012

AshleyMichelle06:

My EX (DD's father) was/is an alcoholic. I say is because even though he's supposedly been sober for a few months, I don't believe it and I don't think it will last. Heartbreaking for DD, but true. Many women on this board, including myself, know what it's like to go through this situation. It sounds like your SO is young or at least immature, and hasn't grasped the fact that he's going to be a parent. It isn't healthy for a baby to grow up around a binge drinker. I would definitely not move in with him. Tell him to get his @ss to AA. If he can't resist drinking, then yes, he's an alcoholic IMO.

For sure. As for how you can help him, honestly, you can't. Beyond doing what is best for you and baby by leaving (kudos btw, even though it is tough) there is nothing you can do. He has to want to realize there is a problem then do something about it. Not for you, not for the baby, but for him.

Be prepared for a lot of "I will get better for you and the baby", "it won't happen again, I promise," "if I do x,y,z will you promise to not leave again," "I can't believe you are not helping me with this problem," etc. Again, he needs to work on himself before he can be in a relationship or be a healthy father to his child.

This may be hard to hear, but it's going to be about him for awhile (whether he continues to binge or gets help) so you need to focus on your health and well being and creating a good enviornment for your baby.

Coming from a woman with a XH who was/is an alcoholic/addict.

achase123 · January 2012

Honestly, this situation just SCREAMS red flags to me. First of all, you grew up in an alcoholic family, therefore it's more likely you'll have a tendency to choose someone with an addiction for a partner. You should read "Codependency No More" to figure out your co-dependency issues and look into individual counseling and Al-Anon.

Then you rebounded out of your marriage, and into a relationship with this guy. When you haven't healed yet, your radar is "off" when it comes to picking men. You might've thought this man was better than your ex so you went for it.

Then you are struggling to label his drinking issues. You need to realize that addiction comes in all forms. Just because he's functioning doesn't for one second mean he isn't an alcoholic.

That being said, you're pregnant now and this is where you're at. You need to make some major life decisions for yourself. Being a SP is tough, but I bet it would be more tough trying to make things work with someone who is an alcoholic. My ex is an addict and I made the decision to leave him.

In answer to your question, about when I knew it was right to leave, I just KNEW. There were tons of things that had piled up and I finally realized the answer was simply to file for divorce. I felt at peace with my situation and I knew I was finally DONE. You will know when you're ready. IN the meantime, we're here for you. Good luck!

BostonGayGal · January 2012

If I wasn't pregnant I don't know if we'd last as a couple. Then get out!!!!! I definitely had my fun before I was pregnant (and before I knew I was pregnant) but as soon as I found out I had a viable pregnancy my life changed without even having to try. I know it's not like that for most men, but how long do I wait for him to pull himself together or seek help?You don't.I divorced someone who only drank too much only once every few months, yet it wreaked havoc on our relationship. If your gut is saying get out, do it. Live separately and end the relationship. If something miraculous happens AFTER the birth and he is sober for a year or more, maybe give it another try, but WAIT UNTIL HE SHOWS YOU he is worth another try, not weeks, not months, but for real over an extended amount of time. He probably genuinely wants to stop. But that and a buck won't buy you a cup of coffee. Let him show you he is committed and is serious enough to make real change in his life. Until then, plan on being a single parent.

CPA04 · January 2012

My XH is "not an alcoholic." He's only had 4 DUI's in 6 years along with about a dozen other alcohol related charges. He completed rehab about a half a dozen times and then started drinking again as soon as he completed the program. He showed up drunk to a probation meeting (blew 0.089 at 10:30am on a weekday). He threw objects at me while drunk, screamed in my face about things being my fault, blamed me for his drinking. Went to AA off and on throughout the years, but only to put on a show for everyone else. But nooo... he still doesn't believe he's an alcoholic. He's just "unlucky" by getting caught by the law.

My breaking point? Finding out that he reeked of alcohol the 3 or 4 times he picked up DS from daycare in the first 2 months. Lightbulb moment. I knew it was not a safe situation for DS or I to be in and I wanted to protect my child and raise him in a safe, loving home without that toxicity. I filed immediately. It was ABSOLUTELY the right choice to do so.

jandb2011 · January 2012

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew I was gonna leave. For some reason, it was okay for me to be in a relationship with someone that was not ideal, but I refused to have someone like that be an influence on my child. When I was 18 wks preggo, I moved 2,000 miles away, so I could have the support of my family to help me.

My ex didn't have a drinking/drug problem, but he did have an anger problem and was/is very negative/pessimistic. I'm naturally very positive and didn't want to have a LO around all that anger and negativity, so I knew we were over once I accepted the news that I was pregnant.

I can't say it won't be really damn hard being a single parent, but, to me, it's completely worth the struggle and the heartache. I'd do it all over again, if I had to.

If your BF decides to make the changes necessary for you to be together, then great, but like PP said, he needs to prove to you that he's really made the change and demonstrate it for an extended period of time.

Ultimately, you have to make the descision that is right for you and your LO.

GL

babyskins · January 2012

BostonGayGal:
If I wasn't pregnant I don't know if we'd last as a couple. Then get out!!!!! To this... We had only been dating for 3 months when I got pregnant, 4.5 months when I found out. Who's to say where the relationship may have gone had we not made a baby, but since we do care about each other and there is the beginning of something good here we're moving forward. When I said I don't know if we'd last, I meant that literally.. I don't know what the future would have been.. if I would have decided the trouble wasn't worth it or if love would have been the thing to make me want to stand by and support him. I don't believe in giving up on people when they're weak - and I'm not implying that any of you have in your own personal struggles, so please don't misunderstand me on that point - but his struggle as it stands right now is not enough to make me turn my back. I definitely had my fun before I was pregnant (and before I knew I was pregnant) but as soon as I found out I had a viable pregnancy my life changed without even having to try. I know it's not like that for most men, but how long do I wait for him to pull himself together or seek help? You don't. So if we were married or in a relationship as committed as a marriage, I should leave when trouble hits? I don't look at this as, Well we're only dating so I can leave if I want to. For me this is a man I care very much for, love, respect, and have committed to having a child with - and he's made the same committment to me. Do we not have to accept people for who they are, strengths and weaknesses? Support them, help them, not judge them? Believe me, if I felt my child or I were in danger there would be no question but to leave, but I would still support him and want him to find the help he needs to be the kind of man and father I know he wants to be. I know it was not easy for any of you to make the decisions you did, or to see them through, live through the challenges every day - please don't think I'm judging any of you, because I'm not. A lot of these responses seem so quick to the "leave now", and I guess I thought I would hear something different. I do very much appreciate your response though, thank you. I divorced someone who only drank too much only once every few months, yet it wreaked havoc on our relationship. If your gut is saying get out, do it. Live separately and end the relationship. If something miraculous happens AFTER the birth and he is sober for a year or more, maybe give it another try, but WAIT UNTIL HE SHOWS YOU he is worth another try, not weeks, not months, but for real over an extended amount of time. He probably genuinely wants to stop. But that and a buck won't buy you a cup of coffee. Let him show you he is committed and is serious enough to make real change in his life. Until then, plan on being a single parent.

achase123 · January 2012

babyskins:
BostonGayGal:
If I wasn't pregnant I don't know if we'd last as a couple. Then get out!!!!! To this... We had only been dating for 3 months when I got pregnant, 4.5 months when I found out. Who's to say where the relationship may have gone had we not made a baby, but since we do care about each other and there is the beginning of something good here we're moving forward. When I said I don't know if we'd last, I meant that literally.. I don't know what the future would have been.. if I would have decided the trouble wasn't worth it or if love would have been the thing to make me want to stand by and support him. I don't believe in giving up on people when they're weak - and I'm not implying that any of you have in your own personal struggles, so please don't misunderstand me on that point - but his struggle as it stands right now is not enough to make me turn my back. I definitely had my fun before I was pregnant (and before I knew I was pregnant) but as soon as I found out I had a viable pregnancy my life changed without even having to try. I know it's not like that for most men, but how long do I wait for him to pull himself together or seek help? You don't. So if we were married or in a relationship as committed as a marriage, I should leave when trouble hits? I don't look at this as, Well we're only dating so I can leave if I want to. For me this is a man I care very much for, love, respect, and have committed to having a child with - and he's made the same committment to me. Do we not have to accept people for who they are, strengths and weaknesses? Support them, help them, not judge them? Believe me, if I felt my child or I were in danger there would be no question but to leave, but I would still support him and want him to find the help he needs to be the kind of man and father I know he wants to be. I know it was not easy for any of you to make the decisions you did, or to see them through, live through the challenges every day - please don't think I'm judging any of you, because I'm not. A lot of these responses seem so quick to the "leave now", and I guess I thought I would hear something different. I do very much appreciate your response though, thank you. I divorced someone who only drank too much only once every few months, yet it wreaked havoc on our relationship. If your gut is saying get out, do it. Live separately and end the relationship. If something miraculous happens AFTER the birth and he is sober for a year or more, maybe give it another try, but WAIT UNTIL HE SHOWS YOU he is worth another try, not weeks, not months, but for real over an extended amount of time. He probably genuinely wants to stop. But that and a buck won't buy you a cup of coffee. Let him show you he is committed and is serious enough to make real change in his life. Until then, plan on being a single parent.

Because we've BEEN THERE. It wasn't an easy decision to leave, but that doesn't mean it wasn't the right one. You posted and we responded. All we know about your situation is what YOU told us. And we've seen/heard it all before so we can tell you the writing is on the walls. It's your decision, of course. Come back after you've ditched him and you've decided for real you've had enough.

LoveyFNR · January 2012

You need to get out. I had the same issue with my ex, he was a drinker, he might not have drank every day but when he did he couldn't stop. I ended up married to him, had one child and pregnant with another. Things only got worse.

He has been an on and off alcoholic for years. He'd be sober for months then get into binge drinking. He never remembered the things he said and did while drunk and the next morning it was the same old song and dance. "I'm sorry, I'm done drinking, you mean more to mean than alcohol, I didn't mean to say that, blah, blah, blah."

I figured getting married and having our first child would kick him into "mature adult" mode. I was horribly wrong. He ended up much much worse and then the physical abuse started. Choking, pushing, punching, throwing things. He became verbally and emotionally abusive whether he was drunk or sober and by the end of our marriage he was just an all around horrid man who only cared about his next drink.

I'm sorry about sitting here talking about my story on your post but I feel like it hits so close to home that I feel like you wrote the first few months of my "blissful" relationship with my ex.

I know some people CAN change. Your SO does not sound like one of them. He is suffering from an addiction that he won't even recognize and those are the type of situations that progressively get worse until they are out of control.

Keep you and your LO safe by getting away. I knew I made the right choice when I knew my ex was truly a danger to my child. Every day since I filed for divorce I get a little more confident and there is a little more light in my life. Yes, it will be hard being a single mommy of 2 young children but it's better than the other option I had and I know my kids and myself are safe. Feel free to message me if you have any questions. Stay strong!

goofyteacher · January 2012

Okay, I'll be the one that tells you it is possible. But it has to be something that he wants to do.

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and I did not chose to leave. I don't judge anyone that has left in this situation as every single situation is different and many of them were in danger.

DH started therapy for his drinking, it got much worse before it got better and I did end up leaving for a period of time. DH needed time to be able to work through his problems without me. He had to do this on his own and quite honestly a lot of my behaviors with him got in the way of his progress.

We both went to therapy individually and then our individual counselors saw us together.

It's took a little over 2 years before he was totally sober. He relapsed over and over. Sometimes he never actually stopped drinking when he said he was. He would lie and hide it. It was messy. I wanted to quit because quite honestly I didn't bargain for a broken husband. I chose to stay, I had a husband who was working on it, wanted to fix it, and I did not have any children in the house to protect. Had I had children, I can almost guarantee you that I would have filed for divorce as no child deserves to live in that kind of a setting.

babyskins · January 2012

LoveyFNR:
You need to get out. I had the same issue with my ex, he was a drinker, he might not have drank every day but when he did he couldn't stop. I ended up married to him, had one child and pregnant with another. Things only got worse.
He has been an on and off alcoholic for years. He'd be sober for months then get into binge drinking. He never remembered the things he said and did while drunk and the next morning it was the same old song and dance. "I'm sorry, I'm done drinking, you mean more to mean than alcohol, I didn't mean to say that, blah, blah, blah."
I figured getting married and having our first child would kick him into "mature adult" mode. I was horribly wrong. He ended up much much worse and then the physical abuse started. Choking, pushing, punching, throwing things. He became verbally and emotionally abusive whether he was drunk or sober and by the end of our marriage he was just an all around horrid man who only cared about his next drink.
I'm sorry about sitting here talking about my story on your post but I feel like it hits so close to home that I feel like you wrote the first few months of my "blissful" relationship with my ex.
I know some people CAN change. Your SO does not sound like one of them. He is suffering from an addiction that he won't even recognize and those are the type of situations that progressively get worse until they are out of control.
Keep you and your LO safe by getting away. I knew I made the right choice when I knew my ex was truly a danger to my child. Every day since I filed for divorce I get a little more confident and there is a little more light in my life. Yes, it will be hard being a single mommy of 2 young children but it's better than the other option I had and I know my kids and myself are safe. Feel free to message me if you have any questions. Stay strong! (Thank you for this)

He does recognize his problem when he's sober. And I can almost hear the snickers and scoffing at that statement, but FWIW, I don't expect any intoxicated person to acknowledge a problem with their drunkenness when they're actually intoxicated. When we can talk about it calmly, face to face, he does own to having a problem to deal with, partly fueled by deep-seated family issues, possibly heredity, and also a medication that potentially has side effects neither of us were aware of.

When I said in my original post that there was no reasoning with him, it was during the come-down from a night of drinking. Not excusing, just clarifying.

To say whether or not he has the ability to change is not for me to determine. I believe he wants to change and I believe he will try whatever options and avenues he can find, or that I help him find. My question, or I guess poll of sorts, was to ask how long did you give your significant others, how long did you support, try to help, encourage, do daily battle for your relationship and family, before you decided to leave. I'm not the girl who asks for help or advice in this kind of matter and then bristles at the suggestion to leave.. I realize it's a possibility if no improvement is made, or worse if the situation declines.. but I'm still willing to put work in and support him and hope that the good man he really is is the man I end up with.

LoveyFNR · January 2012

Hmm, well you gave us your story and we gave you our honest answers. All you seem to be doing is defending everything about him now. No matter what we say you seem to know what to do. So why come here and ask us?

Like PP said, we have all been there. We have all suffered through it and see the road you are headed down. I was in your EXACT SAME SPOT and things got bad, very very bad.

I hope for the safety of your child you get away before things turn ugly.

Good luck.

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