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June 2012 Moms
My mother is very frustrating! (long)
I love my mother, I really do. She is wonderful, and very very excited about this baby (her first grandchild). But it is getting a bit hard for some of her comments/advice to roll off my back.
For example: When I first told her I was KU she told me I needed to start pinching my nipples to toughen them up for breastfeeding. Everytime I see her/we talk, she reminds me to do this and tells me that I will have a horrible time trying to BF if I don't. Well - I was doing some reading online and essentially every page I found says this is very out of date advice, and that doing so can actually cause more harm than good, and even more than that - it can lead to some of the problems (like blocked ducts, cracking nipples) that it is supposed to help prevent.
We talked yesterday and I told her about the online registry we started and how it was more of a list of items as opposed to an actual registry (for example, I am not fussy about which glass bottles we get, we just prefer glass over stainless steel or plastic) and she proceeds to rip on them telling me how hard they are to clean and whatnot and how horrible of a choice this is.
Then she starts demanding that we add items to our list that I have no intention of putting on. For example, a diaper bag. I have a very wonderful messenger bag that DH would be comfortable carrying, and is more than large enough for everything that we need. If someone chooses to buy us a diaper bag, great, but I would rather have items on the registry that we really need, i.e. a crib mattress, wet bags for dirty diapers etc.
I really do love her excitement, but I feel like she isn't making suggestions, rather demands. And when she gives me 'advice' it come across as more of a directive, and she consistently asks if I'm following her advice or not. I'm trying to smile, nod, and say thank you, but it is getting hard.
I love my mom and I don't want to quash her enthusiasm but this is getting hard. I want her to be excited, I want her to feel involved, I just don't want to take her advice or have to deal with her constant comments on everything we decide.
Should I just continue to smile/nod/say thank you and ignore her comments? Should I speak up and thank her for the advice but let her know that things have changed and some of her advice is out of date?
Do I give in and put items we don't really care about on the registry just to keep her happy?
What would you do?
How is your mother reacting to your pregnancy? Is she excited? Over-opinionated? Just there to help and support?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My mother is very frustrating! (long)
Sounds like my MIL. While my mother is laid back and supports whatever DH and I do, my MIL is a completely different story. She has an opinion or "advice" on everything baby. I didn't feel comfortable speaking up while pregnant and ever since DD was born, I sometimes feel that she walks all over me. Even to the point of walking in on me rocking DD when she was fussy and just taking her from my arms and saying "oohhh let me show you how I do it." I was livid, I was doing just fine. You need to set the tone now of your expectations and that you and DH will be the final say in things.
If you let her do this now while you are pregnant, it will only get worse once you have the baby. My advice would be to stop it now. Maybe when she starts getting pushy and giving you "advice" just tell her that you have a handle on things and that you and your husband will take care of it how you feel necessary. That hopefully will be enough of a hint that she needs to back off just a little.
Also, I would only put things you and DH think are necessary on your registry. This isn't your mother's baby and it certainly isn't about your mother or what works for her.
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
Yes. Anything other than this will likely hurt her feelings, squash her enthusiasm, and still not give you the desired results. There is no win-solution to your problem. Just listen to her, encourage her, and still do what you want.
My own mother has been very judgemental about my pregnancy. CONSTANTLY comparing it to hers (the most recent time she was pregnant was 34 years ago!). SHE never took so many naps. SHE never had morning sickness. SHE never had sore hips or bleeding gums. And she has no problem making me feel like a horrible pregnant person because I am still nervous after my m/c last year (apparently I need to "just get over it"). Because anything I could say would inflame the situation and not make ANY of it better...I am keeping my hormonal trap shut, and actually sharing a little less of this journey with her (not much, mostly how I'm REALLY feeling).
I am really lucky when it comes to my mom and MIL. They both pretty much sit back and let my DH and I make our decisions (they were the same way with the wedding). I think some of this comes from the fact that I am an OCD planner, so they aren't used to having to give me direction at all.
My oldest sister can be a bit overbearing. Telling me what books to read and what ways I have to raise my child. She thinks my other sister's kids aren't well behaved (they SERIOUSLY are very well behaved 99% of the time...just actually have personalities) because they aren't little robots like her kids. I don't want that. I think children should have some emotions, not just regurgitate everything that has ever been said to them. Her daughter is starting to rebel a bit, too...and is only 4...I find it funny.
Whenver my mom gives me out of date advice, I just say "people don't do that anymore" and she drops it.
Don't register for anything you don't want. Maybe tell her that you'll add some "extras" once the essentials are all purchased.
I really think you need to stand up to her now. She will definitely get worse once the baby is here. You need to step up and let her know that you are the mom to this baby and all decisions made will be made by you and your DH. I think anyone would have to seriously oversensitive if telling her that her nipple pinching advise is out of date would hurt her feelings.
You have to chose either hurting your mom's feelings now (I really doubt standing up to her will make her less excited about the baby), or her walking all over you with your parenting choices once the baby gets here.
OMG...I would have freaked out^ ... sorry OP, not any advice I can really give, but I think you should tell her... otherwise you'll have to keep on dealing with it forever...