Need a slap....or hug....or just advice

happyhoopla · January 2012

So, my delivery with DD was wonderful. I had to be induced at 37 weeks due to worsening PIH, had an epidural, episiotomy right at the end due to her heartrate decelerating and not recovering (I'm a NICU RN, so I fully supported my OB's decision to do this, although normally I am very anti-episiotomies), and a very easy recovery. Even though I feel good about DD's birth, I would really love to have a natural delivery with this baby. However, my issue is that I'm the type of person who gets embarrassed easily and hate to "fail" in front of other people. Even though I don't feel there is any shame in have an epidural if that is what a mom wants, I would feel stupid if I told people (DH and OB) that I want to go natural and then ended up getting an epidural. So, I haven't voiced my desire to go natural with anyone and worry that if I don't have DH's support going in, I doubt that I will be able to follow through. Thoughts? Do I just need to put my big girl panties on and realize that I'm being rediculous to worry? TIA!

Texas77again · January 2012

hey girl!

i've worried about the same thing a few times. i've been so verbal about not getting an epidural that i wonder how i'll feel if i end up getting one. so i decided to change my verbage and say that i want to go as long as i can without pain meds and for my dr not to ask me if i want one. my doula and dh will have this info as well. also epidural is not the only pain med out there. maybe at your next appt or whenever you can talk to your provider about other pain meds options. then do some research and see what you think will work best.

kanej · January 2012

What helped me stay the "natural course" was telling my husband that he needed to be my rock with it. I made sure that my decision was voiced on paper and to the midwives. I really didnt even think about an epidural the entire time I was in labor. (To be fair though, I didnt have a long labor, it was about 4 1/2 hrs start to finish) I just put it in my head that there wasnt going to be a plan b.

Hope that helps your decision a little one way or another

happyhoopla · January 2012

Texas77again:

hey girl!

i've worried about the same thing a few times. i've been so verbal about not getting an epidural that i wonder how i'll feel if i end up getting one. so i decided to change my verbage and say that i want to go as long as i can without pain meds and for my dr not to ask me if i want one. my doula and dh will have this info as well. also epidural is not the only pain med out there. maybe at your next appt or whenever you can talk to your provider about other pain meds options. then do some research and see what you think will work best.

Thanks! And OMG you are 31 weeks! So happy/excited/giddy for you! It's about dang time that you finally get yours. Big Smile How have you been?

happyhoopla · January 2012

kanej:

What helped me stay the "natural course" was telling my husband that he needed to be my rock with it. I made sure that my decision was voiced on paper and to the midwives. I really didnt even think about an epidural the entire time I was in labor. (To be fair though, I didnt have a long labor, it was about 4 1/2 hrs start to finish) I just put it in my head that there wasnt going to be a plan b.

Hope that helps your decision a little one way or another

Thanks so much for the advice. I really just need to get over my own petty little issues.

tokenhoser · January 2012

For people like your DH and OB that you'll be having a long discussion with, expand "I don't want an epidural" to "I don't want an epidural unless...". I planned and prepared for (and got) a natural birth, but I went in knowing there was a time and a place I'd welcome an epi with open arms. I knew if I got too tired to go on, that it might be the best thing for me.

Maybe that sounds less-than-committed, but it put me in a place where no decision was a failure. You also know it's there and that you don't need to prepare for an epi. That means you can put all your energy into preparing for a natural birth.

BrideNamedMeg · January 2012

I think the idea of failure is a pretty big issue for women in this country (in general and in childbirth) but it's something to put into context. I went into it with the mindset that I would do everything within my power to have a natural birth - that meant reading books, talking to supportive Mom's, doing the exercises in my Bradley book, getting DH on the same page and things like that. I had to accept that there were many, many things that could happen that were outside of my control that might lead to interventions. I also really came to peace with the idea that it IS okay to be "wrong" to want something very much but not get it if the situation isn't right. I think that actually helped me achieve a natural birth, I wasn't so focused on failing, but just kept doing everything I could to be successful.

Having DH on my side was huge as well. He was my rock during labor and after my DD was born especially, I felt like the entire thing was a team effort and he was as involved as I was in the birth. Definitely get YH on board

Bonidiebabe · January 2012

FTM so FWIW IMO you need to have your DH and OB on your side before the time comes to need support. They should completely understand how your feel. I hate failing and I hate when others say "I told you so". I really despise it actually. That is part of my motivation to achieve NCB. I talk to my mum and sister about it (who are not really supportive) just so that I can tell myself when things get rough "i told so many people I was going to do this".

Texas77again · January 2012

i know, time is flying!! this pg is really going so so fast. i can't believe it sometimes, it's still unreal. after 4 yrs...anywho, i know you get the feeling. aside from bp problems i'm doing ok. it does risk me out of a home birth, but i'm dealing with it.

Sawyerplus1 · January 2012

kanej:
What helped me stay the "natural course" was telling my husband that he needed to be my rock with it. I made sure that my decision was voiced on paper and to the midwives. I really didnt even think about an epidural the entire time I was in labor. (To be fair though, I didnt have a long labor, it was about 4 1/2 hrs start to finish) I just put it in my head that there wasnt going to be a plan b.

Hope that helps your decision a little one way or another

This was like me too. My DH was fully supportive of me and my choices and that made a ton of difference. We were well educated on our choices and decision and he knew I could do it. I knew full well that there were situations were intervention is best, but I went in with a "there is no plan b" mindset (actually, the birth center I birthed at didn't even have epis available). I had a 30 hour labor with DS and the though of an epi really truly never entered my mind.

If you want a natural birth, you should make your plan known to your support team and use it as accountability.

LadyMadrid08 · January 2012

tokenhoser:
For people like your DH and OB that you'll be having a long discussion with, expand "I don't want an epidural" to "I don't want an epidural unless...". I planned and prepared for (and got) a natural birth, but I went in knowing there was a time and a place I'd welcome an epi with open arms. I knew if I got too tired to go on, that it might be the best thing for me.
Maybe that sounds less-than-committed, but it put me in a place where no decision was a failure. You also know it's there and that you don't need to prepare for an epi. That means you can put all your energy into preparing for a natural birth.

I absolutely agree with this. After seeing my sister's natural birth which involved active labor for 24 hrs, getting stuck at 7cm and exhaustion to the point of transfer to a hospital for an epidural (which she ended up not having time for, dilated in the ambulance!), I knew that I had to keep an open mind. In fact, I think going in thinking there is no Plan B or an epi isn't even an option is what makes so many women feel guilty if they end up with one. My advice would be to decide under what circumstances you want/would consent to an epidural and other interventions. You cannot predict what your labor will be like and to say there is no plan B is a little silly imho.

I had the natural birth I prepared for, but there are circumstances that an epidural is beneficial to the woman and baby. GL and remember that the best way not to feel guilty or like you're failing is to know that you can't fail. You can end up with a different birth than you expected, but there is no such thing as failing when it comes to childbirth.

ETA: Oh, and you need to have that support (your DH and OB) to help you pull through. My DH was incredibly supportive and gave me the strength to push through.

fryrat · January 2012

I had been told to word it as, "I would prefer to go without pain medication, so please don't offer it. If I need something, I will request it at that time."

redheadinlove · January 2012

Oh I have the same concern.

Well, maybe not concern because I'm putting myself into a situation and mindset where an epi isn't even an option. But if something goes wrong and I have to transfer to the hospital, I know people in my life are uneducated enough to tell me that it was bound to happen because I went to a birth center. And yes I'll feel like they think I failed and I would hate it.

No real answer, just saying I know how you feel. I guess that's about as good as we can do, put our big girl panties on and do our best and say screw them if something happens.

elizxu · January 2012

I know exactly how you feel (seems like a bunch of people do). I'm a FTM and worried about "failing" but have come to realize that I can't control everything. So, I've changed my wording when talking to people about my hopes. I'll say something like "I'd like to go natural, but understand that things change during L&D and I might not be able to go without intervention. The most important thing is the health of me & baby. So, if labor goes smoothly and happens in a manageable time frame, great. But it could also go 30+ hours. So if that happens I may need assistance." That way if I choose to get an epi or medication, then I'm not a failure (I hate that word!!) But, my husband thinks I'm so hard-headed that I'll do it naturally even if I am at the breaking point. Just to prove to people that I could (he's probably right). LOL

couliegirl · January 2012

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

-Henry Ford

This is my first, but I know that I can deliver a baby with out any pain meds. Literally billions of women have done it. That being said, I plan to do some research into how to cope with the pain, and get through contractions and transition.

Temp174496125006552 · January 2012

I definitely think that you need to make your wishes known to your DH and your OB. I think you should just say that you really would prefer to give birth med-free, but you'll take labor as it comes. GL!

[Deleted User] · January 2012

I dunno, personally, I think the "I'm going to try but we'll see" attitude can be a slippery slope. I was like tokenhoser - I gave myselfrules. If I had to be induced or augmented with Pitocin, I was okay with an epidural. If I needed continuous monitoring which required staying in bed,I was okay with it then too. Beyond that, pain meds simply didn't exist. I needed the motivation of knowing that I would regret it. Would you ratherBe okay

[Deleted User] · January 2012

Would you rather be okay with an epidudal or would you rather have a natural birth? It might not come down to that for anyone else,But I had to ask myself that.

[Deleted User] · January 2012

Wow responding from the kindle sucks. Sorry for the typos.

NaomiMK · January 2012

My lamaze class the first time around really helped me with this worry, as our VERY natural birth oriented doula instructor (teaching a room full of women seeing midwives) explained that the interventions and meds and everything are not in her opinion always horrible. She helped us see that they are tools to use in specific situations. The problem is that many caregivers use them automatically without knowing when is the best time to use a specific tool or if it's even necessary. I was just happy having my midwives care for me because I knew then that if they looked in my eyes and said I needed an Epi.. I really did and it would help avoid a C section. My sis in law got one after a long labour her first time, and it allowed her to sleep and wore off in time for pushing. This avoided surgery for her.To me that is the ideal use of a pain medication.

So it's just important to know WHEN is the best time to recieve an epi IF you need it. Then, if it helps you deliver your baby vaginally and not be rushed off to the op room, it will have been a good choice!

also, it was nice for me to be reminded that C section is in fact a life saving procedure in some situations. Yes it is used far too often now a days, but it is something to be grateful for, knowing that women 100 years ago were dying because they did not have access to this level of care if necessary. It's just all about knowing WHEN it's necessary.

Hope that helps

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