- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Pre-School and Daycare
CD+AL
member
Time with terminally ill mom vs. 3yo PS
CD+AL
member
My mom is terminally ill, and since Xmas she's taken a turn for the worse. I've stayed at her house while she's at the hospital with my kids to be close, but I've only been able to go see her twice for very short visits (20-30min at a time) in that period of time b/c she can't handle the kids for very long periods b/c it's just too much for her right now (understandable). She also can't handle more frequent visits and doesn't want them up there when her pain isn't under control b/c she's afraid she'll scare them, so I can't even go on a 1x/day schedule. It sucks!
So, this a.m. an extended family member just called and kind of guilted me b/c I'm thinking about heading home soon. (Actually was planning to head home this weekend, but she has a probable and risky procedure early this coming week, so I'll stay for awhile yet anyway.) Anyway, she was guilting me b/c my mom needs me right now and DS' school is just "3yo PS anyway so he's not missing anything." He missed two days last week, and he'll likely miss all three days this coming week. Every time it seems like she might get out of the hospital, something happens and it gets pushed back indefinitely.
On one hand, I want to be here if something grave were to happen instead of being 12hrs by car away, but on the other hand, I can't spend any time with her b/c of the kids (I don't have any sitters here and DH can't come unless it's a true emergency situation). I'm doing what I can at her house to keep things running, but I just am starting to feel like I'm not doing any good by just "being here" and probably should get DS home to school asap once we get through this procedure.
Am I wrong to place importance on DS' PS? It's true that I don't know how much time my mom has, and I'd love to be spending as much time as possible with her right now. That isn't what's happening though, and I don't see that changing. I'm just "here" not really doing anything. This guilt trip thing is really getting me though b/c it's already an emotionally draining situation. Am I wrong to think about heading home once get through this procedure this week? WWYD?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Time with terminally ill mom vs. 3yo PS
I went through a similar experience during my mom's battle with cancer since I lived in Florida and my family was up in Michigan. It is extremely difficult and stressful to uproot your life and your child's life, especially you don't have child care options. My sibling put it best: I'd never regret the time I spent with my mom, but I would regret the time I didn't spend with my her. After she passed away, I was so glad that I spent the time that I did up in Michigan, even though it came with extreme amounts of stress.
That would be my same advice to you. Spend the time with your mom while you have it, even if it's only short visits. Unfortunately, there will come a day when you would give anything to be able to have a 10 minute conversation and hold her hand again. I really think that your son will have no trouble jumping right back into preschool once you get back home.
Hugs to you!
I agree with pp you need to spend time with your mom while you can. See if you can reach out to some of your mom's friends for help with the kids. SOmebody may be willing to watch them once a day so you can go see your mom - for free or very little. Or they may have and idea of a local pre-school or mom's day out that will take them. for a couple hours so you can see your mom.
WHen my boss was really ill I watched her granddaughter so her daughter could go and visit her. I did it for free because I wanted to help. The church preschool then took her for a couple hours a day. Look around I think you will find people who would want to help you and your mom. If people ask if there is something they can do to help - say yes.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
You're right. Short visits are better than not having the time at all. I guess I was feeling like I am just sitting here doing nothing at all, and that didn't make any sense. I just wish that I had someone reliable to help with the kids so I could go see her more. My stepdad is not a "kid" person, and he's thoroughly overwhelmed anyway. My sibs don't live here, and none of them are visiting at the moment anyway. I do have one older relative that lives close, but let's just say that she's not someone that I trust to watch my kids.
I think the other side of it is that I'm just so exhausted for her. It is cancer, and it's been a really long battle. I am so proud of my mom for fighting so hard to live, but I'm reaching the point where I don't know what to hope for any more. On one hand, I want her to be well, live as long as possible, etc., but on the other hand, she's in so much pain all the time that when she's not hospitalized she's home-bound and can't do everyday things for herself any more. I don't want to wish for the end for her, but I just hate seeing her suffer so much.
I just wanted to say I think you are doing a really good job first off! My father is severely disabled and quite honestly we are shocked is doing as well as has recently. We didn't think he would still be with us. Anyhow my point is that these sorts of situations are emotionally draining and just heartbreaking! I don't think after dealing with what I have that I could ever sit and judge someone. I don't think there are a lot of "wrong" decisions. It is just trying to figure out how to do the most and still take care of yourself. That is so difficult!
I would see if there is a chance to find someone perhaps through a church, job posting at a university, sitter service, etc. To find someone who could reliably watch the kids for an 1.5-2 hrs. If you are going to be there I think trying to set up something daily is important. That way when you are there you are doing the most with your time.
If you need to go back to your home a few times a week (say one of those days on your son's pre-school), I think it isn't a bad thing. Providing stability and continuity for your children must be in consideration. It is about balancing and in a situation like this that is so difficult.
Keep trucking along and don't let anyone else get you down!!!
Have you considered contacting a pre school/daycare near where you are right now?
There is a new little boy in my DS pre school class who is only here on a temp basis for this very reason. The Mom knows he is in a safe place and she can spend the day with her Mom who isn't doing very well.
I honestly would spend what ever time you can with your Mom. I lost my Mom in April and obviously wish I could have had more days with her.
Not what you're going to want to hear but it really is "just 3 yr old pre-school". It's not like he's going to be academically behind if he misses even a few months of school.
My dad's dying of cancer right now too. I live 12 hours away by car. I totally understand how difficult it is to try to figure out how and when to be there.
If I didn't have a job and I were in your shoes I really do think I'd be searching Craigslist for a sitter to come to you or an in home daycare that will be flexible enough to work with you on some child care to make your time in town and with her more productive.
We spent a week with my Dad over Christmas and my DH said his sole purpose in accompanying us was to care for the kids because he knows full well I'm not fully present with him when I've got 2 kids to keep an eye on.
This will be over before you want it to be. You will never get this time back. I would sacrifice pre-school for more time with my Dad in a second. In fact I think I'd sacrifice Kindy or even grade school for extra time with a terminally ill parent as long as I felt like it wouldn't put my kids behind academically.
My boss summed it up well when I told her I'd be needing some time off: "We work to live, not live to work. Your family comes first. Do what you need to do and we'll work around your needs."
This is dirty pool but I just keep thinking to myself: "If this was me dying how would I want my boys to be responding to me and the situation?" I know our kids come first but you'll have the rest of their lives to put them first. She put you first for years. I'd try had to return that favor in the short time she's got left.
I hope my kids would want to be with me as much as possible. I'm sure I'd be scared. You mention that you'd want to be there for her if "something grave happened" but from my past experience with family members dying THEY don't need you when it gets to the "grave" part. They need you when they know it's coming and they're scared to death and wanting distraction and reassurance. No offense to your step-dad but most men are not the best at emotional support and I'm sure she appreciates you!
I have no doubt that my dad will be in a coma or a morphine induced incapacitated state in his last days/hours. I'm much more concerned about supporting him now while he's lucid and finds benefit in my presence.
So.. you're 100% right - what you're doing isn't working.
I'd look for child care in her town with a goal of getting to her for 2 hours a day if possible so that your efforts don't feel wasted.
I'd also plan a trip home once you feel like she's stabilized but make it a priority to get back and hopefully give her a time line of when you think you'll be able to return - especially if they think her coherent time is short at this point.
I hope you can find a solution that feels like a good fit. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're facing this with your Mom. My heart goes out to you.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
I'm feeling so much better tonight. I actually got to go spend a couple of hours, kid-free at the hospital tonight, and it was great. That's the best visit my mom and I have had in probably a year or more. I'm supposed to get to go tomorrow too, so I'm really excited. Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it.
I think one of the hard things is balancing that need and desire to spend as much time as possible with her before we really reach the end with the reality of not knowing when the end is going to be for her. She was diagnosed right after DD was born (19mos or so ago), and at the time, they thought she only had a max of 6-8wks. (The woman is nothing if not stubborn and bull-headed, which has kept her alive for this long...She refuses to let anyone tell her that she just has to lie there and die. She is so amazing!)
That extra time has been a blessing and amazing, and my kids and I have spent a ton of time (about 6wks in one stretch and other shorter visits too this past summer) at her house over the past couple of years making the most of what time we've had. I am so glad that we've had it, but it also makes it hard to know how long to stay and when. The reality is that she won't survive this without some sort of divine intervention, which I believe is the other thing that has kept her going this long anyway, but long term I don't see her going into remission. It's just hard to know how long to stay and when. For example, it's been almost two years since diagnosis, and it isn't really feasible to stay here for that long. KWIM? Even with this most recent hospitalization, all the news is bad, but after a week of deterioration, she seems to be bouncing back a bit and getting stronger again.
For now, I think we'll see how her tests go this week and how she's feeling and play it by ear. If things are going well, we might go home for awhile with the intention of getting back here asap if something changes and coming back for another visit asap anyway. I just want every minute I can get, but at the same time, life has to continue in other areas too. It's just a reality, especially when it's such an on-going situation. I think I'd ideally like to stay until she gets out of the hospital, which I hope happens soon, but we'll play it by ear for now.
Thanks again for all your support. You have no idea how much that has helped me since I posted the OP the other day. I'm so sorry to hear that so many of you have been through something similar, but I have to say that hearing your stories in these brief posts has given me a lot of comfort too. I don't really have that sort of support, the BTDT type, IRL, so it really is comforting to hear from others who have been through it. It's kind of lonely to go through the process of losing a parent w/o having someone that really understands what it's like to sit and watch it happen. I really needed that, and I didn't realize it until I read your posts. Thank you for sharing and taking the time to respond.
I've also come to realize over the past couple of days that the comment wasn't what bothered me as much as the source. This particular relative is a PITA that has complicated things quite frequently but has also been terribly important in helping out when no one else could be there. Interactions with this person are rarely enjoyable anyway on any level, and I now realize that my feelings about that were probably the biggest issue with the comment. Coming from you, it's not nearly so bad.
Bottom line though is that when anyone refers to ANYTHING about our kids as "just something that's not important" our Mamma Bear hackles are gonna go up. I'd have been defensive about it too.
Your kids matter. Their sense of normalcy matters. Your life back home matters.
It's a sucky situation of trying to find balance and I can't imagine how challenging it's been thinking your time was so short and having it end up being this long.
Gotta say that while I don't want to see my Dad suffer I would love for him to defy the odds like your Mom for a bit as long as he can enjoy the time....
From how you describe your Mom it sounds like the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
I'm glad you had good quality time with her.
I'm sure she's so very proud of you - the woman you've become and the mother you've evolved into.
I also have very little doubt that you and those grand kids are a BIG part of why she's fought so hard to stick around.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.