stepmother wanting name.. what to do?

kristy2590 · January 2012

My mom and dad had a sticky long divorce about 5 years ago. My dad remarried 2 years ago and I like my stepmom, but my brother and sister do not talk to my dad or stepmom. She asked for a "name" like a grandmother name and I just dont feel comfortable with that. She has a 13 year old daughter and I just feel like it has not been long enough for that step and she will get her chance when her daughter has children. I brushed it off and changed the subject but do not know what to do if it comes up again. Please help. I hope this isnt a bad post..

griff45 · January 2012

I would assume your child will have to call her something. If you are not comfortable with grandma maybe you could think of something else. Or maybe just tell her that you will let the little one come up with a title for her. I am a step mother and I would hope that I get called something grandmotherish once my stepdaughters have children. My stepdaughters are 18 and 14 and I have been in their lives for the past 5 years so once they have children I will have been around a little longer than you stepmother. Of course I would also never tell one of them that they needed to come up with a special name for me.

nogitron · January 2012

Well . . . it's a tricky situation. You might not have a good relationship with your stepmom, but do you want to ruin a potential one that your child would have with her before it even starts? S/he won't know any different. This is the person married to "Grandpa" . . . must be "Grandma"! If she's wonderful and loving to him/her, then the child will think she's wonderful and love her, too, probably. If she's cranky and mean, then . . . not so much. That part's up to her, but it doesn't seem fair to not even give her a chance.

My husband's little boy has a GREAT relationship with his "Poppi" - DH's mom's husband that she married about 9 years ago, I think, so DH was already an adult. DH is not super close with him, and finds him pretty annoying, actually, but DsS thinks Poppi's the best, and we don't begrudge them that relationship.

My parents (so, his step-grandparents) are "Grandmommy" and "Granddad" to him (as that was the transition from "Stacy's mommy and daddy" that he went for after I married his dad), and we only get to visit them once in a while, but he thinks they're great, too, and they dote on him, as do my sisters

apollonia10 · January 2012

I agree with your instincts - let her daughter have the name. If I were her only daughter and my stepsister took my mom's special name, I'd be hurt.

My stepmom hasn't asked me to name our baby anything, but if I did, I'd politely say I'd think about it and then not really think about it, unless it was a choice I'd already considered.

ETA: Totally misread the question as your stepmother requesting that you use her grandmother's name for your baby. Sorry!!

OUKatie · January 2012

Could you come up with a nickname that you could both be happy with?

My mom's first name starts with C and she didn't want anything too grandma-ish, so we decided on Cece for her. Easy, cute, and very nickname-y.

ETA: You may not see your stepmother as your child's grandmother but that probably is not the viewpoint your child will have. She will have a grandmotherly role in your child's life so it would be nice if she had a special nickname.

kristy2590 · January 2012

Thanks everyone for your input. I do already have a relationship with her, it is just still a tough one for me to teach LO to call her grandma or something of the sort. I mentioned to my husband and he said "no way", she can be called her name. I do not want to hurt anyones feeling and I do want her to know shes special but probably from a different way.

kristy2590 · January 2012

ALSO! I love the nickname idea. Her name is Julie if anyone could suggest something?? Thank you so much!

griff45 · January 2012

Maybe Jay-Jay like the CeCe name. Or Ju-Ju but that might sound like Jew-Jew and be offensive

MrsJax2011 · January 2012

How about Mimi or nonni? Lili? Nina? Gams? What about grandma in another language?

She should have a special name -- just not granny/grandma...and even though the divorce was sticky -- think of how your mom would feel if she was the one in the 'stepmom' seat. I am sure you would want her feelings to be considered.

What does your instinct tell you to do?

Joshsbabymomma · January 2012

FWIW my dad wasn't close to his dad and step mom, he didnt even call her step mom. We always called them Pa and Thelma and I never thought anything of it. Good luck.

RobinandDJ · January 2012

Reading some of the responses really help me too. I think just calling them grandpa and julie will be fine. That's what me and dh are going to do. I am just upset that my SMIL didn't even ask what the baby would call her and is just assuming that she is going to be a grandma...that just seems selfish to me IMO.

A nickname for Julie might be Lulie. L sounds are really easy for babies to say once they start learning how to talk.

reinedecajun · January 2012

Im in the sort of the same situation where as my kids aren't technically dh's other than he raised them their just not blood relation. So they call my mother in law "Noni"

babycynthia · January 2012

I think they baby will come up with his or her own nickname for her. My uncle said my baby cousins were going to call him by his first name and they both call him "Pop". Can you just tell you stepmom that she can just wait and see what the baby comes up with?

kristy2590 · January 2012

My mom is nonnie so that wouldnt work. Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I'll be thinking alot. I may just stick to julie or see how the baby pronounces julie and make that the nick name. My name is Kristy and my nieces call me Keke because they couldnt pronounce it before and that stuck instead of auntie keke

kristy2590 · January 2012

Instead od auntie kristy I mean.

tyla1111 · January 2012

If I were in the same situation, I would allow for some kind of "grandma" name. It might be weird for you because she is only recently in your life, but she will be with your child's grandfather from the time your child is born... it just seems like the least confusing and most accepting thing to do. Good luck, blended families can have their own challenges. My child will have 3 grandmothers and 3 grandfathers... not sure what we are going to do about giving them all titles, lol!

one more makes four · January 2012

My father has lived with a woman for, geesh, almost 20 years, and they have never married. My kids and my sister's kids call her by her first name. She is totally fine with that. She has a biological daughter of her own and if her daughter ever has a baby then that LO can call her grandma or whatever name they come up with.

However, my mother has been married to my stepdad for over 20 years and all the kids call him Pap. He and my mom are MUCH more involved in our lives and he takes the grandfather role pretty seriously, whereas my dad's "shack up" does not.

I think it's a good idea to let your child decide what to call your SMIL, but that will take a couple of years. In the meantime, how do you plan to refer to her when talking with your LO? What you and your husband say will greatly shape the way s/he thinks and feels about her AND what s/he calls her. Good luck!

ThePinkSuperhero · January 2012

There are 10,000 different things to call grandparents (most of which sound like nonsense words anyway), you can find some sort of name for your LO to call your Dad's wife. To insist the baby call her "Julie" when her husband gets to be "Grandpa" seems petty. This is someone who is going to love and care for your child.

versed · January 2012

Camskate:
What about Gigi (if you go w/ any sort of name)? Kinda close to Julie... kinda

I was thinking Gigi, too, using the j/g sound in a way that's easy for a kiddo. It would be her name in a nickname-type way that could make both parties happy.

Arsco181 · January 2012

I'm recently married with a 4 yo step-daughter. When we first got married she informed us that she wasn't going to call my parents grandma and grandpa & we told her that was ok, so she called them by their names. After awhile of playing with her new cousins, she asked us if she could call them grandma & grandpa & we told her sure. She goes back and forth between the names but we don't push the issue & neither do my parents.

bethCT · January 2012

You know my father once debated what he wanted to be called. But DD calls him Pop Pop and I have NO clue where this came from! You might just tell her to wait and see what the baby decide to call her...

ponsfemale · January 2012

This happened to my best friend. Her parents divorced when she was in college and her dad remarried a few years ago. My BFF was already married had three boys ages 4 and under. At first they called her Miss Patti (they call me Miss Anna because I am like and aunt to them), but now they call her mimi. It is not "grandma" or "nana," but a bit of a different name. These people are in their 60's those, so that might make a difference.

missusbee · January 2012

I'm kind of in the opposite situation. My SMIL will steadfastly refuse to have any kind of a term of endearment. But H and I are not OK with our kids using first names for adults. But of course calling her "mrs ___" is weirdly formal.

So I dunno.

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