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January 2012 Moms
Baby Kaden is out... but... (very long, sorry)
I haven't posted much on this board... but I wanted to share my experience...
Just a warning: If you are the type to read someone's bad birth experience and worry, then I would NOT read this...
I was due Jan 15th... and my birth plan was very simple. I wanted NATURAL NATURAL NATURAL. No drugs, no pitocin, no c section. Skin to skin immediately, Exclusively breastfeeding. I knew that I should be flexible, but... let's say I didn't know how flexible I should be. And background information on Kaden - the doctors had found that he had an enlarged ventricle on one side of his brain, so Kaden went through a fetal MRI, and was monitored via U/S every 2 weeks. The ventricle never changed, and the MRI showed nothing, so the doctors, and therefore, I never worried much about it.
1/5 - I had a 8:45 doctor's appointment and then an ultrasound scheduled. I went to the doctor, and she did her first internal to check how dilated I was.... well, imagine my surprise when a few second after she removed her fingers, I felt a GUSH of water between my legs! Yep, my water had broken! She didn't even realize, she was busy telling us I was 2 -3 cm dilated and 70% effaced, and that she did not expect me to be pregnant next week. I said "I think you're right because... I think my water just broke." LOL. The doctors then took the next 10 minutes calming down my husband, whose mouth had permanently dropped and was in shock, hahaha.
So I had to trudge to the car, sloshing fluid everywhere, and then back to my apartment (I had asked the doctor if I HAD to go to the hospital immediately and she said I could hang out in my apartment if I wanted for two or three hours, so I did). By the time I got back, my shoes were actually filled with amniotic fluid. I never imagined it would be THAT MUCH fluid! I schlepped up to the tub (didn't take a bath, risk of infection - but I was still leaking, and a LOT)
Packed my bags, waited for parents to arrive, ILs took the dogs, my mother came with us to the hospital to help me and my husband.
12:30 PM - We checked into the hospital. Even around this time, I had little to no contractions yet, so I was in a very very happy jolly mood. I was cracking jokes, walking around the room trying to start contractions, and excited to meet my baby!
I started having mild contractions, very infrequently but I could walk and talk through them, so I knew I was still in very early labor... I joked that if the rest of the labor was this easy, this would be a breeze.
Around 11 PM is when the contractions began to actually really hurt. I stopped being able to walk around, and was not able to talk through them, but they weren't that frequent, so I was still in a good mood in between contractions. Around this time, they checked me again, and I was 3 cm dilated (from 2-3 cm).
They suggested I take a pill that would soften my cervix and help get the contractions stronger - and I knew that since my water had broken, they would only let me naturally labor for a certain amount of time before they would start inducing me, so I agreed.
I then went through 4 hours of natural, unmedicated labor... It was the most painful experience of my life. Gone were my jokes, and my good mood. I never imagined I would be a screamer. Somehow, I thought I would be able to cope with the pain like a pro and quietly labor... but no. Every contraction left me whimpering and weak, I was shaking throughout. I terrified my husband and my mother, both who were SO WONDERFUL in helping me through every contraction, and both who were having a terrible time watching me go through it all. Somewhere around 1, they had checked me again and told me I was 4 cm. It wasn't where I wanted to be, so I tried switching positions, squatting, to hopefully help the baby with gravity... I labored for another two hours, breathing and screaming the entire time. Because my water had already broken, the worst contractions would bring a huge GUSH of amniotic fluid and blood. My contractions were long, and frequent - by the end I had a few where I had no break in between - those were KILLER. By 3, I was unable to say much to anyone, except to whimper when I needed ice chips, and I would just droop and not move between contractions. I was completely spent, and I could tell my husband and mother were exhausted, so I asked to be checked again. I figured if I was close to 10 cm, then I could make myself last through another hour, but if not... I needed sleep and an epidural. They checked me. I was still 4 cm.
I gave up on no drugs at that point and asked for an epidural. I was upset, but I knew it was the right decision. The epidural was tough too - since my contractions were frequent and long, I had about 4-5 contractions while they were giving me an epidural... and you can't MOVE during the epidural. So I had to sit there, with my spine curved and cry my way through a few more contractions, without moving, which is harder than it sounds. :T
Once the epidural was in though... my husband and I both PASSED out while my mom went to our apartment to sleep - we live only 5 minutes away.
During the night, the nurses woke me a few times - once to tell me I had a fever and I would need antibiotics, and that I was now 5 cm dilated, and wasn't dilating fast enough - they would need to add pitocin. I nodded sleepily through it all, figuring I'd already given up my no drugs plan, and I knew time was critical, since we would reach the 24 hour mark, with my water broken, by 9 the next morning.
At around 7:20 AM, the nurses came in and started trying to shift me into different positions with pillows. They didn't tell me anything and I was too sleepy to ask what they were doing. I was like a rag doll - you could have done ANYTHING to me at that point and I could have given less of a care.
At 7:50, the nurses woke me and my husband and told us the baby was experiencing dips in his heart rate... and that they would need to get the doctor. For some odd reason, this didn't worry me too much, I thought it just meant that it was time, so I was like... okay... cool...
8 AM the doctor came and told me we were probably looking at a c-section because it appeared baby was stressed. I guess she could see the fear in my eyes, because she said she would check to see how dilated I was, but if I wasn't close enough, baby would need a c-section NOW. I agreed - she checked... and seemed hesitant but asked me to do a few trial pushes - I obliged (wondering the whole time if I was even doing it right), but she said that there was a teeeny piece of cervix still in the way and that I had no choice - if we wanted to save the baby, we needed a C-section. I agreed, she left to get the papers, and my DH let me cry on his shoulder for a bit, knowing how adamant I'd been against a C-section.
The rest of this happened very VERY fast. I was prepped in the room, my husband was told he could gown up and join me once I was ready. I STILL am not sure of what EXACTLY happened... but my experience... was traumatic. I'd never had surgery before, so I was obviously terrified.... and I was waiting for my husband to come and join me so I could hold his hand and tell him how scared I was.... but he never came. No one gave me any warning. I was given the anesthetic, but I don't think it had enough time to work thoroughly. All of a sudden, NO WARNING, I felt pressure on my abdomen and then they were PUSHING and PULLING and TUGGING. They pressed down on my diaphragm and it hurt so bad I started to cry and moan. I was confused and distraught, and I was grabbing the side rail for dear life because of the pain. And then I felt... nothing. I realized somewhere in the back of my mind, "Oh my god, they just pulled the baby out.... and he's not crying." But by that time, the anesthesiologist realized I was in pain and probably in shock, and he pushed another drug and knocked me out.
My husband later told me he was outside, waiting to go in. And then mayhem struck - a whole flock of nurses and doctors suddenly rushed the OR and scrubbed in and he wasn't told a thing... just left outside, all suited up, thinking god knows what.....it turned out that our baby's heart rate had either dropped dangerously low... or had stopped and I had had to have an emergency C-section. There was no time to get him, or to tell me what was happening - they needed to save the baby.
I woke up in the OR being sutured up. I was groggy, confused, and still trying to figure out why my husband wasn't with me. I asked and they said "He's with the baby" and I thought....... "Don't they usually bring the baby to the tableside to show the mother? Why... aren't... they bringing him?"
I was taken to the recovery room... and told this:
My baby was born not breathing, with no heart beat. The cord was compressed around his neck twice, and he had massive amounts of phlegm and mucus in his nose and throat,and he had expressed his meconium... It took a huge team 12 minutes to resuscitate him. He was pinking up now and looked fine for now - except that one side of his face was drooping. Our hospital did not have a NICU - so they were transferring him to another hospital, and that I would not be able to be transferred with him....
To try to make a long story short... I was able to hold my baby boy for 5 minutes before they took him and I haven't been able to see him since. I've been recovering from the C-section... My dear dear DEAR husband has been kept busy and stressed running between hospitals trying to take care of me and our newborn baby. I've been pumping colostrum to feed our baby... but was devastated to learn yesterday that I simply haven't been able to pump enough and they have had to supplement with formula - which I had been staunchly against. All of my well laid birth plans have flown out the window... and I have been powerless about any of it. At the other hospital, we were told our baby has some minor birth defects - underdeveloped muscles in his face, underdeveloped ears, and legs. They did an MRI on him Saturday morning, but there are no doctors around to assess the results, so we have to wait until Monday. Other than that, he's a beautiful, beautiful baby boy whose vitals are doing amazing considering what he's been through.
I wanted to be discharged this morning to go see my baby, but have discovered that recovering from a C-section is harder than I would have thought. My husband wants me to stay in the hospital to recover so that I'll be able to take care of our baby to my best ability when he gets out of the NICU... and after crying about it this morning, I realized he's right.
I'm trying to keep my spirits up.... but the trauma of the OR and the fact that... I only spent 5 minutes with my baby... is bringing me to lows I never knew I was capable of. I know deep down somewhere that none of this is my fault, but I can't help feeling like a failure as a mother. I don't fully understand how what should have been the happiest day of my life has turned into the hardest, saddest 3 days of my life... all that is keeping me going is knowing this won't last forever, and that in hopefully a few days, I will be able to go home with my baby and try to resume my life as I planned.
I am usually very on top of my stuff... so having my plans go so so so so terribly wrong... as one of the nurses said to me, apparently this is the first lesson in child-rearing: understand that I am no longer in control of anything!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Baby Kaden is out... but... (very long, sorry)
I'm so sorry to hear about the rough delivery, and I'm sure it's even harder to be separated from your little one! Try to take comfort in knowing he is being taken care of and hopefully you'll be able to get to a recovery point soon so that you can see him again!
You never know how something such as a birth is going to go but just remember that this is just step one on a very long, rewarding journey of motherhood! He'll be in your arms soon and growing and changing much too fast!
Oh you poor, poor dear, my heart just breaks for you. I'm a postpartum emotional mess who also had a traumatic birth, although nowhere NEAR what you're going through.
You are NOT a failure, you are NOT a bad mother. Your precious baby is lucky to have a mother who so clearly loves him.
Thank you for posting your story. You'll be in my thoughts.
DD 1/3/2012
BFP 5/21/2013 MC 5/24/2013
BFP 7/16/2013 EDD 3/27/2014
Many women have experiences in childbirth that leave them feeling the way that you're feeling now. You're not alone and it's perfectly fine for you to feel that way. You went through something scary and unexpected. Make sure you have people to talk to about all of this. A post Partum Doula might be a great help to all of you.
Recovery from a c section is rough at first but it will get better. Take time to rest.
congratulations on your little guy! You'll be enjoying him soon and feeling once again like you have a good handle on things.
Three things:
1. I am so, so sorry for what you've gone through
2. I am upset on your behalf that you were not transferred to the same hospital as your baby. Why was that? Anyone I know whose baby has been transferred to another hospital has been transferred with them
3. I can relate to being devastated about having to supplement with formula. I cried so much when that happened to me. In time, I promise you'll just appreciate that we live somewhere with access to good, decent formula...but for now, it's okay to be upset.
Hope you get good news soon.
Clomid Cycle #1: 50mg = BFP
=Beautiful baby girl born May 23, 2009
TTC#2: BFP Cycle #1, no fertility meds!
I understand How it feels for your birth to not go as expected. My twins were born early at 32 weeks via section. C-section recovery is hard, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Make sure to take all the meds they give you because they do help you feel better.
The nurses in my twins' NICU were very nice and helpful. My twins were there for 3 weeks. I hope your experience is the same. Try to relax because your milk production is probably hindered due to stress and lack of quality rest.
I pray you and your baby have a quick recovery.
You poor thing. I can't imagine having to go through all that... But do remember, none of it is your fault! Baby Kaden is doing better and you two will be amazing parents. Good luck with everything!
congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby boy!! I'm so glad he's doing so well after his ordeal. I'll keep him in my thoughts and look forward to good updates!
I'm so sorry that things didn't go the way you'd hoped. I, too, would be feeling much the same as you do, I'm sure. None of this is your fault. Remember to be honest with your medical team about the way you're feeling and if you need to talk to someone, please do. Motherhood is not easy business under any circumstances... and starting out with such a trauma only makes it that much harder.
And of course, we're all here for you too!! Lots of love and good thoughts coming your way!!!