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1st Trimester
I got FLAMED out the wazoo for the following...
Today at a family gathering for SO's side we were all talking about the baby's TBD gender and when asked what I wanted, I said this...
Well, I thought I wanted a boy and I suppose I still do, but since this is our first baby and you only have your first baby once, part of me hopes this one's a girl. Then when the second one comes along, hopefully it's a boy and it will have its own special claim to fame. It probably sounds a little old fashioned but I'm hoping to have that boy for SO to carry on his family name, but sometimes I think if we have a boy first the whole family will just breathe a sigh of relief and not care what the future children are. I'll look forward to having a girl the second time around, but I'm not sure anybody else will.
SO's female cousin, unmarried, no children of her own, just met today, almost chokes on her iced tea and says, "So you think second children need something extra special about them to be loved?? You think a girl born second is LESS SPECIAL than a boy???"
Feeling the blood rise, I said, "No, absolutely not. I'm already in love with this baby regardless of whether it's a boy or a girl and I will love any future children we're blessed with just the same. But I was asked whether I'm hoping for a boy or a girl, and when I think about the subject those are some of the thoughts that cross my mind."
Her response, as she stood up to leave the room, "Well it sounds like gender order is more important to you than anything else. Hope you get what you want."
And scene.
Am I crazy? Has no other first-time pregnant woman had these thought? Welcome to the family, eh?
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Re: I got FLAMED out the wazoo for the following...
Well, what you intended to say and what you typed here must be two different things because I would have agreed with your partner's cousin and probably would have said what she said as well. Just because someone hasn't had kids or been married doesn't matter where listening comprehension is concerned.
You could have meant something completely different, but that's how I read what you typed.
If it went down like you described, then she was being an @sshole.
Nope, never had those thoughts, never put a lot of thought into what the gender is, past coming up with a girl name and a boy name.
Maybe they misunderstood you?
I come from an ethnic background where the male gender is preferred and it drives me nuts when people say- are you going to have a third so you can have a boy?
I'm like no- I'm going to have a third so I can have a third child. And it burned me when I announced that DC#2 was also a girl and I kept getting "don't worry, you're next will be a boy"- really people?
idk maybe it's me but i don't understand what upset her....of COURSE we'll all be happy with a health baby regardless of gender, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't always wanted to have the boy first so my daughter (some day) would have a 'big brother'....i guess because that's how i would've liked it for myself so i'd like her to have that....
the only part that confused me was where you refer to 'claim to fame'...what did you mean by that....not sure i understood that part....
either way congrats!
Eek, I should clarify - I didn't mean she couldn't or didn't comprehend, but just that she seemed to lack any sensitivity whatsoever to the whole family planning process. Earlier in the day she rolled her eyes and snorted when I said I was planning to cloth diaper, and before we left she made a comment to SO's mom about "exclusive breastfeeding", calling it a pipe dream and saying something like I better gear up for disappointment because I had some coming.
The gender conversation came on the heels of 2 or 3 male relatives chiming in that they were hoping we'd break the family dry spell and have a boy and when I've thought about the gender pressure/preference question, those have been some of my thoughts. Again, I'll be thrilled with whatever in any order, but when thinking indulgently those are some of my thoughts.
Honestly, whether you said those exact words or not the way you typed it out here, sounds exactly like what your SO's cousin said. You are making it sound like if the second child is a girl no one will be excited about it, except you. I may not have said what the cousin did (if I had just met you), but I would definitely have been thinking it!
Also I am a first time pregnant mom, and I am excited for either a boy or a girl. It doesn't matter to me, or my DH. And I know our families will be excited for either a boy or girl. They have already said as much. I think you need to give your families more credit.
That was in response to clamoring from both SO's side and my own that this baby be a boy. Sometimes they are are so insistent about it I feel like Marie Antoinette trying to give birth to the dauphin.
And thanks, we're kinda stoked
I think if someone feels like they can ask you that question, then they should also respect your response.
You were referring to how you felt OTHER people would feel, not you. And I think you are entitled to your opinions.
I also think even if she didn't agree that she was uproariously rude.
I dont understand what this has to do with her asking you that question. Not being married or having children doesnt mean someone cant have an opinion.
With that said, I dont prefer one sex over the other. I would rather just have a healthy baby.
I think she was out of line. We all want healthy babies, end of story, but I always said, from before I was a mom that I wanted a boy first, followed by girls. Silly little thing, but I always thought it would have been cool to have a big brother. It was just conversation, nothing that would deter my love for any of my children.
1st of all...I HATE when people ask what gender is preferred. Such a dumb question.
2nd....to answer the question with a preference is setting yourself up to have people disagree with you.
~after 34 cycles we finally got our 2nd little bundle of joy~
My IF blog
This.
As I was reading your post, I kept thinking "omg...why would someone say that?"
Maybe you didn't mean it that way...but that's the way it came across.
I see nothing wrong with what you said-but I think the cousin is way out of line. From my own experience families tend to feel that they get to have personal weight in the gender discussion and they will voice their opinions. I come from a very big open and loving family-and we have our moments where babies are concerned.
DH&I have talked about what we each want first-I want a boy first, he wants a girl first. I grew up with the ideal big brother (he protected me, looked after me in school, and is really one of my best friends), and would love to give that to my daughter, which would mean boy first. DH thinks he is going to end up with a boy no matter what so he wants a girl first 'just to make sure he gets one'. We have talked about the gender order in relation to how our families will react-his probably won't care (we aren't exactly on speaking terms with them), one side of mine won't care, but the other will be hoping for a boy to offset the rash of girls we've had in the past decade or so.
I see nothing wrong with vocalizing what you already may 'know' or suspect. Someone asked you your thoughts/opinions and you gave them that. This girl sounds a bit bratty to me. Do you know if she is used to being the center of attention or if she general behaves this way? Or was she maybe having a bad day, and is usually nicer?
I think you learned two things from this encounter.
1.) That girl is rude. Duly noted.
2.) The correct answer to the gender-preference question is "I want a healthy baby."
Honestly, even if you feel differently, answering that you want a healthy baby pretty much shuts down the opportunity for an argument. End of conversation, move on, change of subject. Ultimately, your preference doesn't matter anyway because at the end of the day, the baby's gender has nothing to do with your wishes. So people need not ask, and you need not fan the flames.