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July 2012 Moms
RebeccaS6627
member
Intro and need advice
RebeccaS6627
member
I am a FTM, 12w and needing some advice. DH and I have been together for 4 years and have been married for over 1.5 years. I have twin 17 year old step kids. DH has been divorced since his kids were 4 years old. SS is very easy and loveable. SD is a different story. She opposed the marriage from the beginning and is in therapy over it. She ignores me and tries to create drama in our home. I just overlook it and remain kind to her. Because of drama with SD, it has really put a damper on the pregnancy. DH has been having anxiety of how SD is going to react.
We have not told the kids yet. DH and his ex want him to sit the kids down and tell them without me present. He said that it will be better so that SD can speak openly about her feelings (without me there). I want to be there for the announcement, but feel like I am outnumbered. I'm not sure if it's the hormones, or do I have a valid reason to want to be there? DH is going to SD's next therapy visit to discuss with the therapist present. Any advice that you could give would be much appreciated. TIA!
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Re: Intro and need advice
I can understand wanting to be there 100%. But, I do sort of agree with where DH and his ex are coming from. 17 yr olds are tricky. Especially girls! Think of it this way, if she has a negative reaction, you don't have to be there to hear it and get emotional about it so it will save YOU some stress.
I hope it all works out for you!
Let me preface this by saying that I am FAR from an expert here, so anything below IMVERYHO.
I think that this is a situation where you need to defer to DH and the ex-wife. Clearly there has been a lot of angst regarding you and your husband's relationship. While my instincts are to tell this 17 year old SD to suck it up and deal, it sounds like they (DH & ex) have taken all of the right steps so far by getting her therapy and are trying to be sensitive to her needs. However, I can see where you feel like your needs are taking a back seat, and while I can see that being frustrating, I can also put myself in your DH's shoes and see how hard this must be for him to have two equally important people who are struggling emotionally.
If I were you, I would let them do what they think is best for their daughter. I think this will create less drama for you down the road (think: if you insist on being there, and she reacts poorly, you could easily become a target for blame for forcing them to tell her in a way other than they wanted). I would ask your DH to allow you to have some time with him and the kids to talk about the pregnancy openly together as a family unit. This way, he can prep SD for the family discussion you will have with them and she can be prepared.
Just some thoughts! I don't envy your situation!
Welcome! Wow...sounds complicated. Teenagers are tough to begin with and having to deal with that on top of being pregnant is not fun at all. I am sorry you are going through this. I have a somewhat similar situation, but between my divorced parents. Neither one can be in the same room with the other even after 18 years past the divorce. It made it extremely difficult for me when we did our reveal. My mom wouldn't come b/c my dad was going to be there. It sucked, but it's her loss. DH and I are interested to see what happens at the delivery...
Just try to stay positive and keep up your kindness. It's probably killing her that you are so nice to her even though she is being less than nice back to you. I know it's hard, but it will pay off in the end. She will regret her behavior someday and hopefully apologize. At least she is in therapy, which is a huge plus. I hope she continues it. I would agree with you and also want to be there when the announcement is made, but I guess it might be better to let DH deal with his kids for now. Once baby is here, you have every right to step in if things aren't going well. At lease you have your SS on your side. Maybe he can get his sister to be a little more understanding. Good luck with everything! Feel free to keep us posted. We are here to help/sympathize when we can.
One last thing...be prepared for her to go crazy if you have a girl. Competition for DH's will ensue. Boy, this stinks!
I'm a little horrified that they don't want you there. You are part of the family. You have every right to be at the family meeting.
You could preface the announcement by mentioning that each member of the fam is important, valued, and loved, and that while you're in this meeting, it is a safe place to talk to each other about feelings, expectations, etc. You might want to set some boundaries about interrupting, yelling, blaming, etc, and state that those kinds of communication are not acceptable during this meeting (or ever, really). You might also mention that everyone there is old enough to act maturely and reasonably, so the discussion should be a productive one. If things get out of hand, calmly end the meeting and state that you'll revisit the discussion when everyone is ready to communicate with respect and maturity.
Also, kudos to you for continuing to be kind to your SD when she's being an immature brat! Good luck!
I think this is great advice.
Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
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Welcome and congrats! That being said, I would defer to the wishes of DH and his ex in regards to their DD and what they think is the best situation for her. I realize that you are all part of a family unit and you wanting to be there for the big announcement, but it could get ugly quickly and I would rather you hear about it second hand than have to witness any ugliness that would further stress out you and your baby.
Good luck, and definately re-post this on the blended families board, and possibly even the parenting board. I don't spend any time on the blended families board, but do spend a good amount of time on the parenting board and the moms on there are very thoughtful, insightful, and full of great advice.
TTC since October 2009
2 failed IUIs with Clomid
IVF #1, ER 10/29/2011
ET 11/3/2011
One embryo transferred, four frozen
11/12/2011, BFP, 11/13/2011, BFP, 11/14/2011, BFP
First Beta 11/14/2011, 499
Second Beta 11/16/2011, 893
Third Beta 11/18/2011, 1510
Lost my dear husband, October 3, 2012. You are the bear of my heart dear, and nothing can take that away.
As a therapist student entering into clincals, I do not think that you being absent is the right call. You and your Husband are creating a new family and need to present a untied front about your family. While SD is oposing this in everyway possible being absent only renforces the thought that she just might win if she keeps up the bad behavior. She is acting out I don't really believe that she is not going to tell you her honest feeligns anyway. Meaning she will be totally honest in expressing how she feels even with you there. If she is currently in therapy then she is being equiped with the tools she needs to be able to deal with this, and has a person to work through this with who can aid her in dealing with the issues that she will experience.
Tiff