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Special Needs
mjsweetgirl
member
family members who criticize
mjsweetgirl
member
SIL (DH sister) recently made a phone call to him, (which she has made to me in the past) about how mad she is that we consistently miss family event and criticizing us on our choices with how to raise DS. He explained to her that DS schedule comes first, and his nap time is at 1. Which is when many family events are planned. No one calls us to check with a time that works, they just make a plan.
DS is going in for his ASD evaluation next week and there other signs he may be somewhere on the spectrum (failed m-chat). We've learned through trial and error that his nap must come first or our day turns upside down. I talked with our SLP and special needs preschool teacher that comes each week, about DS and they both believe based on their assessment of him, that his routine schedule is detrimental to his and our success on a daily basis. He is non verbal since 18 months when he lost all words and he does thrive on the routine because he knows what to expect and we call his nap his "reset button" because he truly is a happier little guy.
I just feel so judged and belittled by her and I am so thankful that DH stands up for DS and for our family.
With Christmas coming up, and I'll see her on Sunday. What are some methods you've used to deal with the people that criticize your situation and choices when you see them face to face? My current method is to smile, be polite and avoid contact with her like the plague.
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Re: family members who criticize
You are nicer than I am. What a nervy bit$#!
You don't owe anyone an explanation. Does she have a child? I think I would just say, "Thanks for your opinion." and leave it at that.
My approach really depends on the person, in a nutshell I'll just admit I take the tact that is the best way to "manipulate" that person. Some people I'll do a direct " if DS doesnt' get his nap, to bed at 6:30 ect not only is the entire day ruined but it can effect him for days. It makes everyone's life miserable".
Others, and I like it best for people like your SIL is to find a quite moment to take her aside (get her alone, it's key) and say something along these lines, adopting a sad, heavy tone of voice " SIL I'm sorry that we have to cut things short on our visit, you can't imagine how hard it is not to be able to participate in everything, to not have DS just go with the flow and have a wonderful time. I see those kids who are asleep in a shopping basket in the middle of Costco and think, man that must make life so easy. If we don't keep DS pretty close to his schedule it's like this little body just falls apart and trust me no one has an enjoyable day." It won't work with all people and not everyone likes taking this type of approach but to me it's the iron fist in a velvet glove approach, your still laying down the law but in a more gentle way that hopefully they can actually "hear".
In my experience people who kind of bully and push do best when people push back and are confrontational but come at them in a softer way and they often have zero idea how to respond, it really takes the wind out of their sails. Good luck dealing with her and I hope that you, DH and DS have a wonderful holiday.
Even before DS had a dx or we even thought there were problems coming, we always had to plan around the nap. Granted we don't have a very active social life - even less so since we became parents (everyone's afraid of the baby monster) - but most ppl are understanding when we say "if he misses his nap, it won't be pretty". I think even with NT kids, naptime is a big deal and missing it makes for major crankiness.
I'd also go with the "thanks for your opinion" response. Anything else ... well ... I can't promise I'd be very nice. :-)