How do you handle other people's children hitting/biting yours?

monalua · January 2012

Hi ladies,

I need some advice. I have a good friend that I met through a local mom's group. Her DD is 25 months and my DS is 19 months. We bonded immediately because we're both into AP and extended breastfeeding. We've been having weekly playdates for almost a year now.

My issue is that her DD, who is very sweet and smart, is also very aggressive towards my DS. She's quite a bit bigger than him and every time we're together she ends up hitting him, pushing him, or kicking him. Last month she also bit him and drew a little blood! I know she's only two and these are very normal toddler behaviors so I've been trying to take it in stride. My DS does seem to enjoy playing with her despite this. He loves other kids and is super gentle and not aggressive at all, so I admit it's hard for me to understand my friend's daughter's actions. My friend always makes her DD apologize and talks to her about her behavior afterwards. She doesn't do any other discipline or timeouts or anything (not saying she should - I don't know what I would do if I was her).

I'm starting to get more and more irritated with the situation. I'm starting to dread our playdates because I can't relax - I have to be almost in between the two kids most of the time (which is hard), I'm tired of watching my DS get hurt, and I don't want him to pick up these behaviors. We have regular playdates with three other moms/kiddos and those kiddos never touch my DS - I enjoy those playdates 100% more obviously.

Tonight I actually considered calling up my friend and being honest with her and telling her we need a break from the playdates - maybe her DD will grow out of this stage soon. Then I wondered if I'm being too sensitive. Has anyone else been in this situation? What would you do? How do you handle things like this?

Thank you in advance for any input!!

monalua · January 2012

Also, if anyone has/had a child that was a hitter/biter, I would love your input on how I should handle this as well! Thank you!

Uiowachick01 · January 2012

Ovi got basically beat up a few weeks ago at a indoor play area. I was the first time it ever happened and he was really upset by it. He was slapped, kicked and bitten on the arm pretty hard. Gladly we didn't know the child or parents so hopefully that never happens again but I know it will. DS is very passive and gentle. I tried to calm him down for a good 5 minutes and then we had to leave the room and go in the hallway because he kept saying "Ouchie!!" and pointing at the boy. It took me leaving for the mom to even notice so he apparently wasn't being watched very well.

I totally feel your upset/angry feelings. I'm sure your friend will understand if you explain it correctly. Maybe something when you first get there like "Oh it seems like X is getting better with the aggressive behavior, what's your secret? I know my son maybe be there some day and I'd love the tips"

OR

You could be sneeky and buy a book on biting and gentle hands. I have a set from when I was teaching, it's about teeth being for chewing food, hands are for waving, feet for stomping, etc. I think I got it from Borders a few years back?. And play it off like a New years gift? IDK how your friend would take that though.

KateLouise · January 2012

My LO can be a hitter/pincher. It's not a consistent behaviour from her, so it's not something I can always intercept or anticipate. However, once she gets into the hitting "mood" it's something she will repeat a couple of times.

What I've learnt to do with her is this:

First hit: Talk to her about using gentle hands. Give her a warning that if she can't use her hands nicely then she will have to play away from child x/me etc.

Second hit: immediately move her off my lap (if it's directed at me) or move her away from the other child. I tell her that hitting isn't nice and that she'll have to play by herself.

Invariably she gets upset at being removed. I ask her if she wants to play with x/sit on mummy's lap? To which she invariably says yes. So I tell her she's welcome to as long as she plays nicely and then invite her back.

This puts a stop to the hitting in the moment, and I haven't really seen her hit for quite a while, although as it's a common stage, she could just be out-growing it.

For me it's important to give a natural consequence to poor behaviour. ie no one wants to play with the person who is hitting them.

3003girl · January 2012

Tough situation. My sitters kid (2 weeks younger than my LO) is way more aggressive than my LO. He pushes her and bit her once. She is generally good about it and corrects him every time. When her DS bit my LO she told me and said that if it happens again she will have to figure out how to punish him. If I am around and she is not, I will say "don't push, it's not nice and S doesn't like it"

If she wasn't reacting, I would have tried to approach her by telling her it was making me concerned. For a variety of reasons - I don't want LO to get hurt, but I also don't want her to think it's OK to hit, push or bite. If the mom was unresponsive, I would tell her I needed to take a break until the "phase" was over because it was stressing me out.

Or i would totally chicken out and make excuses to not go for a while.

LizB214 · January 2012

My good friends and I have very similar parenting styles, so we usually feel free to step in no matter who the aggressor is. I treat their children, the same way I do my own. I seperate the children and say something like "we don't hit/bite/etc because it hurts." DS is often "bullied" by his little buddy at daycare, but he has gotten really good about telling him "no hitting" "back up" or "give me space."

SoxFan777 · January 2012

KateLouise:

My LO can be a hitter/pincher. It's not a consistent behaviour from her, so it's not something I can always intercept or anticipate. However, once she gets into the hitting "mood" it's something she will repeat a couple of times.

What I've learnt to do with her is this:

First hit: Talk to her about using gentle hands. Give her a warning that if she can't use her hands nicely then she will have to play away from child x/me etc.

Second hit: immediately move her off my lap (if it's directed at me) or move her away from the other child. I tell her that hitting isn't nice and that she'll have to play by herself.

Invariably she gets upset at being removed. I ask her if she wants to play with x/sit on mummy's lap? To which she invariably says yes. So I tell her she's welcome to as long as she plays nicely and then invite her back.

This puts a stop to the hitting in the moment, and I haven't really seen her hit for quite a while, although as it's a common stage, she could just be out-growing it.

For me it's important to give a natural consequence to poor behaviour. ie no one wants to play with the person who is hitting them.

I'm only a lurker, but this sounds like great advice...

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