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Special Needs
New here, feel like I can't take much more.
Hi all, I hope I'm in the right place. I have been having some serious issues with my 2 y.o. son, and I just don't know where to start or what to do. I am fully aware that kids his age can be energetic and temperamental; I never thought he wouldn't be. But my son takes it to a whole new level of intensity. To start, his energy levels are through the roof. He is the child that never slows down, never gets more than 6 or 7 total hours of sleep, is never still or quiet, runs everywhere and screams instead of talking, etc. I am constantly worn out and exhausted trying to manage his activity and get him to calm down. He often gets so worked up that he simply can't be calmed down at all, and then he completely loses it... screaming, crying, horrible frustration, etc. It has been this way since he was literally a tiny infant (and I swear, even when I was pregnant with him, at least with the movement). I have a daughter who has been a completely different experience, so I do have something else to compare his behavior to.
Aside from the activity levels, my son has been exhibiting some other behaviors that concern me. The tantrums that he has upwards of literally 5-10 times per day are absolutely beyond anything I have ever seen. He is incredibly aggressive and inconsolable during them, beyond what other children his age exhibit. I have tried everything. There is screaming, biting, thrashing, head banging, you name it. He is also what I call a "bolter". We cannot go anywhere where he does not seem to fixate on the busiest area in sight and run straight towards it, with no sense of self-preservation whatsoever. I don't know if that makes sense, but, for example, if we are near a busy road, he will suddenly focus on that road and take off at a full sprint. I have tried those children's leashes, but he is strong and clever, double whammy- he's broken two and undid the third and bolted as soon as he was free. If you ask him what will happen if he runs into the street, he will tell you "I'll get hit by a car and get crunched and have to go to the hospital", so he knows it's dangerous, it's just almost like he can't help himself. On at least two occasions, I've had to put my infant down on a sidewalk or hand to her to a complete stranger as he darted into a busy road, so this is insanely dangerous to our whole family. He is very sensitive to volume levels, but it's not just loud noises, it's also soft. He'll constantly tell us things are "too loud/ too quiet for my ears" and demand the volume level be adjusted or fly into a meltdown. He's been licking things/putting things into his mouth a lot as well, which could be part of being a two year old boy I guess, but I've never seen another kid do it to the extent he does. He'll lick the floor, people (often), wood, etc. And lately, he's been doing what my dad (a clinical psychologist who used to work largely with kids and families) calls "perseverating", and saying the same thing over, and over, and over again. My husband's family has a history of epilepsy, in particular psychomotor seizures (including my brother in law and possibly my husband, too) and my husband says his brother's seizures manifested in the same way we see my son behaving. The really bizarre part of all this is that my son is way, way advanced, both physically and cognitively. He functions intellectually at around a 4-5- year-old level, is beginning to read and has been fully verbal since 12 months. He is also very social and affectionate (although he can be highly aggressive when playing with other kids and is what you would probably deem "bossy"). To me, it's almost like he's exhibiting some signs of autism while being decidedly not autistic.
My father, who spends a lot of time with him, agrees that there is something serious going on with his behavior. His doctor fully agrees, but says there's nothing we can do until he's 5 or 6-ish, when we can try medicating him for ADHD. I'm not satisfied with this answer. I don't think we have to wait, and everything I've been researching says the earlier I can get him evaluated, the better. My husband has severe ADHD which is well-controlled with medication, but I honestly feel like there is something more going on with my son. I myself have OCD (also controlled) and my whole life I have had serious issues with food, especially smells and textures, to a really extreme extent. My husband recently saw something about "adult picky eating disorder" and we were blown away by how it fit me to a T. I don't know if there's something hereditary going on with my son? I just don't know what to make of it.
I feel hopeless and sad about the bond I just don't seem to have with my son anymore. The physical and emotional toll parenting him has taken on me makes it so hard just to function. I am at my wit's end and don't know what to do anymore, but "wait it out for 4 more years until we can get him a diagnosis" seems like a whole bunch of B.S. to me, and I don't know how I'm possibly going to handle doing that. This is to the point that I cannot go out of my house unaccompanied by someone who can help me with my infant in case we have a meltdown or an escape situation. I guess I'm just looking for advice, and if no one has any of that, a kind, nonjudgmental ear. It's hard to find those IRL when you're the mom of the kid on the playground who gets too worked up and starts tackling the other kids, or the "bad mommy" who lets her toddler run into traffic and seemingly "indulges" his tantrums in the store.
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Re: New here, feel like I can't take much more.
I am so sorry you are going through this
Have you looked into Early Intervention in your area? They might be able to help. My son has some sensory issues and an OT comes and works with him and has taught me a lot of great techniques for helping him calm down and handle transitions better when he is overstimulated.
Also, maybe getting an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician to rule out/in Autism or other developmental disorders? My son is 28 months and just got an ASD diagnosis last month so I don't think its too early to start now. Even if they can't give you a diagnosis maybe some recommendations for therapy?
For some reason I thought this post was on another board, now I feel like an idiot!
Demand a referral (if your insurance requires one) to a developmental pediatrician. If your insurance does not require one, start looking in your area. Children's hospitals are a decent place to start. Ours has a super long waiting list for intake appointments. We ended up at Kennedy-Krieger institute and it has been a godsend.
BTW - our DS was diagnosed with ADHD at 4 years old. There's not really a reason to wait to get some help, both for you and your son.
Thank you to all who replied
I didn't mean to "post and run", but the only times I am able to get on here are the times I have someone else helping me watch my son to give me a little break.
I am taking the pretty much unanimous advice and looking into a developmental pediatrician. I appreciate the responses and feel like I at least have a starting point. I just didn't know who to call to get the ball rolling, aside from his regular pedi.
@Auntie, thank you for the insight. Asperger's is something that never even crossed my mind, because he is so interactive and so social. Every kid he meets is his "best friend so-and-so". He craves interaction with other kids and adults, but it is true that he is rather inept most of the time, especially when it comes to things like personal space (this could include constant hugging, kissing, hand holding, etc.) and respecting the opinions or desires of the kids he plays with (constantly trying to force them to do whatever he wants to do, whether they like it or not). He does have a wonderful sense of empathy, though- it's almost as if he's hyper attuned to peoples' feelings, especially mine. I think that it is a valid possibility, however. It's just the sociability that I don't understand, because I always thought (perhaps very ignorantly, and I apologize if so) that children with Asperger's or autism were universally antisocial. He is also advanced as far as motor skills are concerned, and I was also under the impression that kids with Asperger's generally had some delays in that area. I am going to keep a journal of all the behaviors I observe on a given day in the meantime, because I understand the wait to see a developmental pedi can be quite long.
I am grateful for the support and, while I can't say I am happy to have to be posting here, I am sure I will be doing so in the future and I look forward to the insights of the moms (and other various caregivers) on this board.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it really does sound exhausting! Being the parent of a special needs child is really hard. This is a safe place to vent and get info- we understand.
Good for you for getting going with a developmental pedi. I'd also contact EI right away- we were able to get my son evaluated and set up services through EI even before we got in to see the pedi. You might also consider working with a developmental psychologist who may be able to coach you in ways of dealing with the problem behaviors (it doesn't just come naturally, especially when your child has SN). Having someone else there to support you sure wouldn't hurt, either.
GL, and let us know how things go!