WDYT: Night nanny/nursing care
SarahKate31
member
Here is an article that came up in my Reader today about a company that offers night nursing care for families with newborns. I know this service is available and I can see how it makes sense in special circumstances, especially where there are health issues.
I know our good friends had a night nurse come in after they had their 2nd child for the first few weeks. Her grandparents gifted them this service. She had had a *horrible* battle with PPD after the birth of her 1st child and was suffering again from it, so I know that is the main reason they had this service.
I remember DH excitedly saying something about this way back before we got pregnant and my thought was that getting a nurse to care for your newborn overnight is kind of cheating. I mean yes, wouldn't it be great if we could all get a full night's sleep with a newborn, but unless there are special circumstances where you really *need* the help for health reasons, I kind of give it the side-eye. It seems like all those sleepless nights with your new baby are a rite of passage that we are all signing up for when we decide to have babies.
BFP#1: 01/10, M/C 6w
BFP#2: 06/10, M/C 5w
BFP#3: 09/10, DS born June 1, 2011
BFP#4: 07/12, M/C 5w3d
BFP#5: 12/12, EDD 08/18/13
My Blog: Decorate This
Re: WDYT: Night nanny/nursing care
IDK - its harder for some people to go w/o sleep than others. I also think in other cultures we have more experienced women around to help us - so 100 years ago, maybe your mother or sister came to stay for a week or two when you had a new baby.
I don't think being a martyr makes you a better mother. If you need help, ask for it. I do think its a sin that you have to pay for these services - there should be some kind of discount or subsidized option available. I think alot of women (and men) would have a much better post partem experience if we didn't make it so competitive and like its some badge of honor if your kid has colic or something.
BFP#1: 01/10, M/C 6w
BFP#2: 06/10, M/C 5w
BFP#3: 09/10, DS born June 1, 2011
BFP#4: 07/12, M/C 5w3d
BFP#5: 12/12, EDD 08/18/13
My Blog: Decorate This
right, but maybe some peopole don't have family or friends who can come give them a break, kwim? Some people lives 100's/1000's of miles away from their families or they just aren't close to them or their mothers are too elderly to really help, or the mothers have their own little kids or jobs they need to attend too, etc. We used to live in a much more communal/family grouping where we helped each other out, but we still need help, we jsut have to pay for it alot of the times.
I think if you can afford it and your boobs will allow you to sleep a full night, more power to 'ya!
DD was a good sleeper and just woke up when she was hungry. Nursed, then went back down. I didn't mind those sleep interruptions because engorgement would've woken me up anyway.
That's how I feel. A friend of mine hired a night nurse for her son that came three nights a week when she went back to work. I kept thinking, how could she be at work all day, come home and maybe spend two hours with him and then hand him over to someone else for the night. It made me sad because I kept thinking that poor baby probably misses his mom.
I heavily side eye someone who would employ a night nurse without a real need (severe ppd, parent with a disability, baby with health problems etc etc). I don't think it's about being a martyr as its just about being a parent in general. Like Remy said, a lot of bonding happened for me during those late night feedings and while it sucked and I was definitely sleep deprived, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
I remember in the beginning when I was just so tired from sleep deprivation and healing from my c section I wanted to claw my eyes out. My mom offered many times to come over and help out at night (I'd nurse and she would rock back to sleep/snuggle) and I never took her up on the offer. It wasn't that I was a martyr, but I wanted to be the one who got up with my baby. I never saw it as trying to be superm or anything, I was just trying to be a mom.
For me it's just something I see that comes with parenthood and skipping out on that would be like saying you want someone else to parent your bratty teenager. Parenting is a 24/7 gig and while we all deserve a break sometimes it's ultimately your responsibility.
BFP#1: 01/10, M/C 6w
BFP#2: 06/10, M/C 5w
BFP#3: 09/10, DS born June 1, 2011
BFP#4: 07/12, M/C 5w3d
BFP#5: 12/12, EDD 08/18/13
My Blog: Decorate This
Well if someone offered to parent my bratty teenager for the next couple years, I might consider it! ha ha
so, is it acceptable to take or pay for any middle of the night help w/ newborns?
Are you less of a mother or a lazy mother or less bonded to your LO if you formula feed or if your husband gets up and does a bottle feed of BM or formula once a night or twice a night?
This, exactly. When Clara was two weeks old and we were having major trouble BF, sleep problems and days/nights mixed up, my mom offered to come over to help during the middle of the night. I felt like if Clara needed to nurse then, I should nurse her...it was good for her, and for my supply. I guess I could have my mom rock her back to sleep, but I needed to learn how to put my baby down and I wanted to be the one to do it. Now, since my mom and I aren't close at all (and I'm not sure I'd trust her to do things "my way"), that was also a factor...I wouldn't have minded a close female friend or relative coming over for an hour to two to give me a break, but I never took anyone else up on those offers either b/c I was so concerned about my supply...But I would have (and probably should have at some point for my sanity); I just think that's a lot different than hiring someone for a full night for a couple weeks.
I think this is blowing it all out of proportion. I had DS when I was 19, I FF him and was no less of a mother than I am to the two girls being married and older, and BFing them (since you took it there). It was me that got up in the middle of the night with him (I didn't have a DH obviously) and I wouldn't have had it any other way. That's just me though.
FF vs BF has nothing to do with this and DH helping is not at all the same thing as hiring a nurse to help all night every night for the first few weeks. Caring for that baby is DH's responsibility too.
BFP#1: 01/10, M/C 6w
BFP#2: 06/10, M/C 5w
BFP#3: 09/10, DS born June 1, 2011
BFP#4: 07/12, M/C 5w3d
BFP#5: 12/12, EDD 08/18/13
My Blog: Decorate This
I don't think you're understanding what Kathryn was saying. It was a rhetorical question, meaning she was stating she wouldn't assume anyone was any less of a mother in that situation where they were FF and their DH or SO also go up for feedings. She was pointing out that you can be a perfectly bonded mother even if you are the one getting up for every single feeding or BFing.
My own 2 cents, I wouldn't ever spend the money on it. I can see using it in certain situations, like say you have twins and they are on totally opposite schedules, one wakes up the other goes to sleep and repeats that cycle. You are never going to get sleep period, and seriously that is a safety hazard to everyone. You just can't function on no sleep at all. And most of these night nurses have decades of experience so I can see having one come for a week if your are a FTM and having them show you all the special little techniques to help calm a fussy baby, give a bath, and let you get 4 hours of uninterupted sleep in that first week home after recovering from a c/s or child birth, stuff that is just good to see in action rather than read. Kind of like a parent helping out and imparting their knowledge on you. Like some of you have said, maybe something like a night nurse would have saved your sanity for a few days. Now, if you have a night nurse for weeks and skip all the night time feedings with no health issues or handicaps, I might side eye that
My point was that you can still bond w/ your baby even if you aren't getting up w/ them 8x a night. What if your DH gets up w/ them 3x a night - does that mean you are less bonded to your baby? If your DH doesn't get up at all, does that mean he won't/isn't bonded to the baby?
Of course its your responsiblity to care for your LO and preserving your mental or physical health by getting help is one responsible way of providing care for your LO.
I'm very much of the "it takes a village" type mentality and sometimes you get lucky and have a ready made village, other times you have hire and pay some of the villagers. I don't think that means you are less of a parent because you need or accept help.
I don't know - I just can't judge what one mother's/parents/families post partum experience is enough to side eye what others choose to do. Maybe what to you was difficult, but do-able makes other mothers suicidal. Just because you did it, doesn't mean others need to be able to do it the same way at teh same level. This is like judging someone for not BF or not having a non-medicated birth, etc. If your baby is happy and healthy and your happy and healthy, do what you need to do, I don't think it makes you less of a mother because you need or got more help than others.
I don't really see how FF vs BF came up so I'm a little confused there as that wasn't really the point I was making.
I was saying it helped ME become more bonded to my baby. I never once said that it was the ONLY time someone could bond with the baby or the only way anyone can bond with a baby ever. Some people it happens in the hospital, some have it happen during those middle of the night feedings, and some not til months down the road.
I just personally feel that the responsibility should fall on the parents and if I choose to wake up with my baby 1, 3, or 10 times a night I don't deserve a special award but I also shouldn't be called a martyr either.
I guess I can see both sides now, having read Dani's POV and thinking about my own experience. I would still side eye someone who had help for weeks and rarely or never got up with their baby in the middle of the night...but if you have the money or were gifted help from a night nurse, I can see in certain situations it being helpful. And while I still felt like I should be the one to get up w/ DD with our BF problems (and I've said before, looking back I do think I had mild PPD), even if it wasn't getting sleep, it would have been nice to have a nurse there to reassure me I wasn't starving her. There were many nights I wanted to call the LC at 3am so I guess having a hired nurse there wouldn't be much different.
I think since having DD and reflecting on my own PP experience, I try not to judge others as harshly, because you never know what they're going through...So I definitely wouldn't automatically judge someone for having a night nurse there (like I would have before I had DD probably) but understand that there are certain situations I can understand it a bit more.
Not sure if I was the one who brought up FF vs BF inadvertently...I was referring to choosing to get up to keep my supply up...but I FF DD now so I definitely don't think there is a bonding issue in FF vs BF.
If I had known about this when I had DD I would have done it. I had an awesome "village" of support and I STILL would have done it. DD was 7 weeks early, so she was in her new born stage 2x as long as a full term baby. She had health issues and I was suffereing from post-traumatic stress, but I didn't know it yet. (I asumed it was the "normal" post partum sleep deprivation, but it turned out to be more than that.)
If I had the assistance of a night nirse I may have realized my own issues sooner and not had brest feeding be an epic fail.
I am not sure that I would personally. Since DD was born early, she was a "newborn" a lot longer than had she been FT. For me, I think if I had someone there to help at night, I would have depended more on her expertise and would not have developed (or tried) to develop my own ways to soothe DD. I would have been too dependent on the night nurse. For the first 2 weeks, DH & I were on our own. My mother is not well enough to help and MIL could not get the time off of work. Both sets of parents live 4 hours from us. MIL did come and helped out with things like holding the baby, laundry, cleaning and dinner and it was AWESOME. DH helped with the feedings at night. I bf'd DD, but then went to pump while DH fed her (via a syringe) pumped breastmilk. One night I did skip a feeding while DH just fed her supplemented milk - I got 5 hours and it was like heaven.
My reaction to hiring a night nurse under normal circumstances, "well, whatever". Obviously, if they are available there is a need/want for them.
I'd never even heard of this but in my experience I wouldn't pay for it. I would rather pay for a half day day care and take a nap than skip out on a night if I were that desperate (haven't done this either just saying) Thats saying something coming from me.. my family are over seas, DH works hard so I feel the least I can give him is a good nights sleep, my in-laws aren't very supportive or really that involved so Im essentially 'alone' at night. Let me tell you we have had our fair share of sleepless nights!
My mother on the other hand would do this in a heartbeat! my sister was HORRID she cried 24/7 and believe me it is possible. The colic she had kept the whole house up all night and I am 11 yrs older so I remember so so well. It was BAD.
Given this I really can't judge.. but to me this is just like my friends hiring nanny's during the day to play with their kids when they are SAHM, I wouldn't do this, I don't get it but I am still friends with them and keep my mouth shut. We all have different opinions that I will accept without judgement.
My cousin used one years ago after having her second child. At the time, I kind of scoffed at her, after I had my first, I understood a bit more but thought it was a more of a luxury. Now that I have two and am in the throws of newbornness, I totally get it and have thought about looking into hiring one myself. I just keep making myself try for one more night and when I reach that breaking point, DD2 seems to know and shell sleep better for a night or two.
DD1 was a dream baby, DD2 isn't all that bad but not as easy as 1. And throw in another child to take care of and it's not easy. I can't imagine life with a colicky baby or one that screams and cries a lot. I would hire two night nurses if we were in that situation.
Night "nurses" are pretty normal in NYC. Lots of people have them, even people who have their baby sleeping in what was formerly the dining room and they have the night nurse sleep on their sofa for 4-6 weeks, etc.
I get it, and if that is what people want to do and they have the money to do it, hey, good for them, but since the BF/FF thing has already come up, I will say that I think they are not helpful for moms who want to BF and in some instances may sabotage the BF'ing relationship between mom and baby- by limiting how long baby nurses for, trying to stretch out times between nursing sessions, etc.
Along the same lines well-meaning grandparents, friends and family can do the same thing, everyone wants to "help" by holding the baby so mom can rest or take a shower, etc. when really they should be making/bringing meals, doing laundry, etc.