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2nd Trimester
MIL Advice (Long sorry :/)
I have generally been ok with my MIL since getting pregnant. My mother passed away years ago (before I met my husband) and it has been a lot easier including MIL because I've been craving that motherly presence. Lately, we've been talking about when the baby comes and all the help I'll be receiving from my brother and sister (who live VERY close and have TONS of experience (they're both L&D nurses)) and how they've offered to cook and clean for me.
MIL and I were talking about it today and she just decided to mention to me that she'll be taking a week off of work to come help also. I told her that I thought that was a great idea, and that I know I'll need a ton of help with laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. She turns to me (she was cooking lunch) and says, "Oh no, I'll go play with the baby, your other helpers can do all of that."
This really frustrated me. I mean, I know she'll want to play with her grandson, but I feel like the first few weeks the baby should mainly be bonding with me and my husband (as he's taking 4 weeks paternity leave), not any other outsiders. This is the first grandbaby (and BABY baby since I was born) so I understand her excitement but even my brother and sister aren't doing anything like that. THEY'VE told me that all they'll be doing is cleaning and helping with household tasks while we're with baby (unless otherwise asked).
I'm not sure what to say to her or how to tell her this without sounding like a total b!tch, but if she wants to help I really just want her to do the household stuff (unless otherwise asked) and try to let me and my husband focus on the baby. Any advice? TIA!
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Re: MIL Advice (Long sorry :/)
DS - 7.2006 - C-Section b/c Breech
DS2 - 4.2008 - Successful Vbac
DD - 5.2012 - Successful Vbac
I don't know that I could ever tell MIL that I want her to do my housework and run errands for me.
Now if you want the first few weeks alone with the baby for bonding time then go ahead and tell her that she is welcome to visit after X date to play with the baby (or better yet have DH tell her this).
If she offers to "help" then sure, make it clear that you are all set with help for the first few weeks.
HTH!
Here's my 2 cents. When people come help, they do it within boundaries. You are able to tell them things you do and do not want help with. They are free to say no. If you want someone to clean your house and cook your meals and do exactly as you ask, you have to pay them.
My MIL said she would help when DS was born. I had it set up that my mom would fly in when he was a week later. She changed her mind when I was in the hospital. She had us higher a doula, stayed in a hotel, came by a few times to see DS and brought carryout.
With this baby, she initially said she wouldn't help, then said she would. I'm not holding my breath. If she helps great. If she doesn't, I'll get by.
RED FLAG - RED FLAG - RED FLAG
I have to hand it to her, at least she was being honest. My IL's came over with the excuses of helping out but their idea of helping out was fighting over who got to hold the baby. I was literally seen as just the food source (moooo!) and then they would start to try and get the baby back.
After 9 months of carrying this child, all you want to do is hold and bond with your new baby. It got VERY intrusive on their part to have them hanging around all day. At a certain point you want your privacy, especially if you're not used to having constant visitors. Mix in pain from delivery, pain meds and feeling slightly loopy, bleeding heavily, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding and trying to get that together and then hormones and you're one hot mess. Toss in a nosey MIL and you're on a fast track to a total meltdown.
I bit my tongue for about 3 days and then started crying and couldn't stop. We kicked everyone out for a few days to have some peace and quiet.
Say just what you said here. It's your family and your baby and your decision. If she gets huffy so what? would you rather have her be pissed for a while, or have you be pissed for the rest of your life because she ruined the first few weeks of your new family's time?
I'm going to make it clear that hospital visits are fine in the beginning, but then I don't want people at my house for the first week or two unless they are going to come to do cleaning etc. I don't really care what my family thinks about this decision.
Totally agree with what everyone else has said.
My IL's came to "help" a week after DD was born and it was a total nightmare. They only wanted to hold the baby and made a mess out of our house. My MIL tried to take over "mother" duties...including telling us to sleep through the night and she would get up with baby and she was ALWAYS hoovering. Really made me mad. To this day I still sort of resent them and have gotten DH on board to saying no visitors until AT LEAST 2 weeks. This will give me time to get into somewhat of a routine, better establish breastfeeding and have time to bond without feeling like I have to share with my IL's.
Oh and on a side note, be prepared to talk to your IL's yourself. My DH doesn't agree with me sometimes on boundaries, so usually it is me coming across as the "bad guy".
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
IMO its not about expecting people to come and do chores. It's more about setting up some boundaries so as to avoid some of the horror stories of people overstaying their welcome. I really don't want alot of people hanging around my house while I'm trying to get the hang of nursing and trying to recover from child birth, and while my husband and I are trying to figure out how to make things work together. That is more the family dynamic/experience that I don't want to add any stress to.
I agree with this.
I keep getting this mental picture of you and DH snuggled up on the couch with LO while everyone is slaving away behind you.
After laboring and having a baby (God forbid a c-section) and having sleepless nights, you'll be grateful when someone wants to hold the baby for a couple of hours. Even if it's just to shower.
This exactly. It isn't as if I'm trying to force her to come do my chores, it's the fact that she offered to help and I know what I'll mostly need help with. If she hadn't offered, we wouldn't have even been having the conversation.
A ton of visitors can be really hard right after you have a baby. I had so many people wanting to come and "help out" I had a small breakdown. My husband's step father even tried to tell me how to breastfeed my daughter! So if you do not want people around, say no. However, you can not say they are welcome for X,Y, and Z, but not allow them at least some time with the baby.
Also, you said your husband gets 4 weeks of paternity leave? You shouldn't need much help then. If it was just you (as it was for me as of day 4 after a c-section), I could understand needing a bit more help, but you will be perfectly fine since there will be two of you already.
It's not as if I'm saying no one can hold the baby. I'm simply saying that I know what I'll need help with mostly (household chores), if I need something else I'll ask (like someone to hold/watch the baby while I shower), and I don't want it to turn into her telling me how to take care of my child or constantly holding the baby if I'm not. I don't see why it is so hard to grasp that I want boundaries with my baby when he is born.
Boundaries are good and I grasp them.
I just don't think you're going about it the right way. That's all. Perhaps it's just the way you worded your post.
Although I understand where you are coming from, I do not agree with where you are coming from. You have some wonderful family members who have offered to help around the house and, as a result, it seems that you have come to expect that from everyone.
For one, having someone come over to help is, just that. To help. Thus, you do not necessarily get to dictate what exactly they are doing.
Secondly, if you and your husband are both off for four weeks, do you really think you will need three additional adults to help out and do the basic necessities of housework? To me, that seems quite excessive.
All in all, I would set your expectations now, so that there are no surprises for you, or her, when the time comes.
I don't think it's so much what you said as someone SAYING they are coming over to spend time with the baby under the guise of helping out.
Maybe spending time with the baby is their idea of helping out.
You planning on breast feeding? That is your absolute best way to make sure baby is with you the vast majority of the time.
I know the feeling as my MIL (who lives 3000 miles away but has come to visit w/ in a few weeks after each baby has been born) always seems to want to take the baby in another room to sit and hold her- I just don't really get why she does that- not a big deal, but little things seem to get a bit bigger when it's your MIL and your baby.
THIS - I am equally shocked by the number of "I agree with you, and I understand" replies the OP has received. I would EXPECT the grandparents to want to spend time with the baby too... If you want your housework done hire a maid!
THIS - I am equally shocked by the number of "I agree with you, and I understand" replies the OP has received. I would EXPECT the grandparents to want to spend time with the baby too... If you want your housework done hire a maid!
I think that it is important for YOU to have better communication with your MIL and explain to her why you have concerns. As long as she is a rational person, I don't see why she wouldn't respect your wishes.
My MIL has been asking me, and DH, multiple times if it would be ok to come down when our baby girl is born. I've been telling her from the beginning that I have no problem with it and that I would appreciate the help. My mom lives 10 minutes away, and she has asked to come over everyday in the beginning. I've told them of course. They get along REALLY well (in fact, DH and I have taken them with us on vacation several times together--they're great roommates!) and we have really great communication. If they are doing something that is driving me crazy or are hovering, I ask them to stop politely. And, they do. And we all continue to get along really well. They both have been amazing supports for DH and I thru our IF struggles, and this is a miracle baby. I want to share in my happiness with them, and 7 or 10 days won't mean that I lose that time with baby. To me, they're memories I will have of my mom and MIL with my baby that I will always cherish.
I know that I am fortunate, and that other people have terrible MIL who clearly have other mental or jealousy issues, but if you don't tell her how you feel, how can you be upset with her?
Me: PCOS DH: Low everything (MFI)
Clomid with TI x 3 2010 BFN
Clomid+IUI+Ovidrel 2010 BFN
IVF w/ICSI #1 2011
9/8/11 Beta #1: 2082!! 9/19/11 Beta#2 34,689!! U/S 9/22/11 HR 127! 11/8/11 HR 150! 12/6/11 HR 136! 12/14/11 HR 139! Born at 26w2d on 2/4/2012! After 83 days in the NICU, Adalyn came home on 4/26/12!
FET 1 3/2013 BFN
FET 2 5/2013 BFN
This is the best thing I've heard all day!
I would agree with those who say that you should set up the boundaries now. My MIL is the type that just wants to come and rock the baby all day. When DD was born, she came for two days and so I let her have as much time as possible with the baby. It was tough, but I knew she wouldn't see DD again for many months. Then when DS was born, she came for a week about a week after his birth. That time, we made sure she understood that DD was the one who really needed her attention since she was old enough to know if Grandma was only giving love to the baby. I did have to bite my tongue a few times when she insisted that she could get the baby to stop crying without my help. This past fall, I had major surgery and she was staying at the house with the kids while I was in the hospital. I had DH tell her that I wanted my mom to come stay with me to care for me. She was hurt, but I know it saved our family's sanity in the end. Now that we're starting to talk about what may happen when the baby comes, my kids do not want Grandma here without a parent since I guess there were some issues that we weren't aware of during her last stay.
All that to say, be up front and honest now. But also remember to set aside some special time for her to love the new grandbaby.