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Stay at Home Moms
Certain personalities better for having more kids? (long)
My husband just told me (during a heated discussion about him playing violent video games in front of our kids) that I am rude, snappy and impatient with our kids. I fear he is somewhat right. And it has gotten me thinking that maybe there are some temperaments/personalities that are better suited to having a lot of kids than others. (as I'm pregnant with our third)
Before I had kids, I knew nothing about them. Only child, not a lot of cousins, never did much babysitting. Not that I'm not a warm person, I just wasn't a "kid" person. So anyway, I'd bet most of my friends thought we'd stop at 1 or 2 kids and here we are going for 3. And I know I am too impatient with our kids, especially my 3 year old. I struggle with this and feel like a bad mom although I try to make up for it by apologizing when I lose my temper/patience and in general being plenty affectionate and ensuring I give lots of hugs/kisses and I love your. I think I am just better at being patient in certain situations more than others and am not equally patient... I am somewhat of a stress-prone person.
But still... I wonder if there are people who are just better equipped to have a lot of kids... from a patience and outlook perspective. I am not feeling great about my parenting skills as you can see... and maybe the answer doesn't matter because I'm already pregnant and it's happening! I just hope my kids aren't getting screwed because mommy can't hold her sh*t together when she's around them. (I am not a screaming b*tch or anything, but I do lose my patience with certain things).
I hope I don't sound like a horrible ogre.
What are your thoughts here, in general or specifically... whatever.
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Re: Certain personalities better for having more kids? (long)
I think with the ages of your kids, and that they are close together I think it's normal to lose patience.
I'm not a horrible ogre either but at the age of 3, 2, 1, 5, 6, 7 (you see where I'm going) they are going to do things that make us lose our patience. Especially if we spend 24 hours 7 days a week with them. Sick, healthy, happy, mean, hungry, angry, violent, loving, etc.
Everyone loses patience sometimes, I know I do!
I think certain personalities are suited better for more kids, but I don't think people realize that when they are having kids. One of the best Mom's I know is a "one and done", but she is a great Mom, and I know she'd do well with 2 or 3 kids.
I have a friend that is pregnant with her 3rd, and I think she's a bad Mom, and a bad role model for her kids, for numerous reasons. And her husband sucks too, and he's a bad Dad. But they are on #3 right now, and I wouldn't be shocked if they had more after that too.
I think some personalities are better with lots of kids than others- but I also think we are harder on ourselves. I definitely lose my cool more than I'd like (and like you, apologize and own it when I do). But I also have a friend who is pregnant with #5, homeschools all of them, and is seriously cool as a cucumber in any situation.
I just don't have that- I envy her and her ability to be that way. But I do try every day to work through the short temper and impatience that I know I have.
Just wanted to tell you that your post made me feel better about myself because it sounds like me :-). So I know I'm not alone!!!
I wasn't around tons of kids either. I'm not always snappy, I try to be "fun mom" here and there, and when I am snappy/impatient it's not THAT bad, but my 4 year old just drives me batty..... Kid LITTERALLY cannot stand still. Ever. Blah
Cam 6.6.10 - Autism, Global Developmental Delay, Mixed Receptive/Expressive Communication Disorder
I know some people like that and am just in awe. I am too much of a stress case to be like that I think.
And it's funny because a part of me wants to homeschool and then I'm like uh.... I don't think I am a good candidate for that!
I am glad I'm not the only one. Yeah my 3 year old is just very ... needy sometimes. He is such a love though, we are so alike in certain ways. I think I can definitely be fun at certain times but I sort of have to set the time aside, I'm not as good at going with the flow with my kids whims.
Anyway... it makes me feel better to know I am not alone too!
If anyone has any tips on being a patient person, please share. :P
I can snap. I think we all do at some point. Some days I feel nothing I do makes DS happy. Really can anyone be happy go lucky on a day like that? I'm sure some can but most can't. But one thing I think I'm learning is being a mom does not make you perfect. As a mom I am still human and I make human mistakes. Honestly as I mom I sometimes find I make even more human mistakes, but then again I think it is more then likly I notice them more because I don't ever want to effect DS in a bad way. I have noticed that I snap less at him when I allow myself to not be so up tight about the mistakes. I remember last month I started this horrible mommy guilt trip on myself. This guilt trip make me sad and I snapped more. This month I let it go and I have barely snapped at DS, I ak just a funner mom and more patient. Guilt is not good for anyone. Cut yourself some slack, I think your feeling something most moms feel. We are our own worst critique.
Do you feel it is a real problem or do you think you may be having simple mom guilt?
I do hate to say it but I feel my BIL and his wife are not cut out to have more children.When my nephew was thier only one they were constantly stressed out and COULD NOT handle being alone with him it seemed. They would drop him off at MIL so they would not have to take him to the store or even to get a movie. They always seemed frustrated with him and never really seemed to enjoy being with him. Then they had another and they were all "he is so cute" but other then the cute factor they are about the same with the second. They want a girl and I worry because they fight CONSTANTLY and they never seem to watch their own children. They are big believers that you can spoil a kid and had the baby CIO at a very young age. I remember once we were at MIL's home and they just sat on the couch while their one month old cried in the pack and play. I offered to pick him up and they told me know because they were trying to teach him that crying was bad. It was so sad.
But for the most part I think most moms love their children and even if they mess up they really do try. I know I get frustrated but I love DS with all my hart and I want more kids. It is just something I need to work on. But mostly I think we are all hard on ourselves probably.
Everyone loses patience- I sure do- and I have been around kids my entire life. I don't think that part matters much.
I do think that there are certain traits that tend to benefit moms of muliple children: organization, creativity, and good time management being a few. Those personality traits I think go a VERY long way- with moms- especially SAHM (but goes for ALL moms)
Oh laney. Patience is SO not my strong suit. I am continutally working on it, and I have gotten better
Having kids so close in age is the biggest test of patience. I know there are people out there that remain calm at all times, and I marvel at how they do it, but that is so not me.
I do not, however, think that makes them a better parent than me - just different. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses and no one is perfect.
Please give yourself a break. I know ONE person IRL that is the "remain calm at all times" type and frankly, there is something really "off" about her lol
You are a great mom! Don't let something your H said in the middle of an argument make you question your parenting skills
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Noel - August 2010
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This is me, too. I'm not entirely sure that this is the best set up for our family, but we're in the situation we're in due to circumstances beyond our control. I'm a particularly terrible mom to babies- like 0-18 months. It's the most difficult time for me. At any rate I work hard everyday and I know you do, too. Some days are better than others but that's what life is.
As far as your H- I think you need couples couseling....NAH!! Just kidding (I don't know if you've seen the rash of H posts this past weekend).
But seriously- my H said this to me not too long ago. It was a particularly stressful time for me and I felt like he sort of threw it in my face. You're pregnant and have two toddlers underfoot all day. That's stressful and difficult by nature! You'll be fine. Your kids are fine. They know you love them and you would do anything for them- stress or not.
I think you have to look at the big picture. I do think that certain personalities are better equipped to deal with more than one kid at certain stages, but I think it depends on the ages of the kids.
I have 3 kids and I have a really short fuse. I admit that I yell a lot. My DH has called me out numerous times on the fact that I yell too much. And I will be the first to admit that I do not enjoy toddlers. And I would describe myself a lot like you did - never did much babysitting (and didn't enjoy it when I did), only had 1 sibling and we were close in age so I never babysat him, and I really wouldn't have described myself as a kid person. I'm sure a lot of my friends are shocked that I have 3 kids and I never really imagined myself with more than 2 kids to be honest.
However, I know that I have my own strengths. I love the newborn/infant stage and I felt like I did pretty well with that. And I am thoroughly enjoying my oldest now that she is 5. I do think I'm in over my head a bit with having 3 kids so close in age because of my personality, but I think I'm good at other things - multitasking, playing referee, providing healthy meals for my kids, doing stuff with them, and providing a clean, organized home. And trying to provide a sense of structure, discipline, and helping them to be self-sufficient.
I guess my point is that I can totally relate. Don't beat yourself up about it because I'm sure you have other skills sets that will be very beneficial to your kids as they get older.
I think it sounds like you are having a bad day today. Your DH will most likely apologize for saying that (and he should)! Anyone with young kids loses their patience.
That being said I personally know I nor DH has the personality for lots of kids lol! We both love solitude and having free time. Everyone comments on how much patience I have with DD. She didn't sleep more than 2 hours in a row until she was 15 months old. The only way I got through it was by knowing I would never have to go through it again with another child. I am a better mom to one. I love my mom but I know she was not the best mom because there were four of us. She was always frazzled and none of us got individual attention. The only game I remember her playing with us was the "let's se who can go to sleep the fastest" game lol!
So, yes, I think some people handle a large family better. But remember anyone with young kids goes through losing their patience and has bad days.
To answer your question, yes I think that certain personalities are better suited for larger families. I also think certain personalities are better suited for being a SAHP. I am definitely not equipped to SAH full time, which is why I get my butt out of the house 15 hours a week and work. lol.
To speak of your specific circumstance, you sound like a pretty "normal" parent. It's normal to lose your patience sometimes. I think if you never did, you'd be doing your children a great disservice. It's normal to feel a range of emotions and let them out. As long as you're not screaming at your kids 24/7, it's fine. Don't beat yourself up.
The toddler years are difficult, and having more than one, plus being pregnant, can be extremely stressful.
But if it's bothering you, see if there are some parenting books or parenting classes in your area that may give you some coping skills and techniques to use that will make your whole family happier.
And how does your DH interact with the kids? It sounds like he's blaming you for being snappy, but he's not exactly Parent of the Year either (not like any of us is, we all have our moments).
ETA: As for your question, many people have said that after 2, adding more isn't a big deal. As in, once you learn to juggle 2, having more kids is just more of the same. So maybe there's more of a personality that goes with one-and-done vs more than one child.
IMO, I think its normal to lose patience with kids. Espescially since they are so close in age, not to mention you are preggers(hello hormones)! Don't be to hard on yourself. Every Mom has there moments. And you stay at home, so are with your kids 24/7, which can contribute. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.
I never was too much of a "kid" person, and never knew how much patience I could have since I had a baby. I'm actually impressed at how well I handle things now, and Im sure if you think back on how your patience was before kids, Im sure its better now. Keep your head up, Mama!
I was lying awake last night thinking of this very subject. Sometimes I wonder if three pushed me over the edge b/c I don't remember losing my cool as much with the twins when they were toddlers. I think the mix of ages and personalities makes things hard for me sometimes. I yell more than I should (usually to be heard above the fighting that is going on) which bothers me a lot because my Dad was a yeller. I really don't want that for my kids.
Thanks for posting this. You definitely are not alone.
My twins are 5! My baby is 3!
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Well said kate! I am doing it because I want to and it's important to me, not because I'm naturally suited to it. Makes me feel a bit selfish though...
This makes me feel so much better! Thank you! I am hoping 3 loosens me up too (NOT the primary reason we are having a third obviously). But yes I know I have other strengths that I think are good examples... hopefully they balance out. I never thought about that before.
You sound like me (minus the pregnant part!) We really wanted 3 kids but recently decided to stick with 2. We really want another baby but just cannot take any more chaos. My LOs are 17 months apart and neither one is easy going AT ALL.
I snap often too and have little patience. Some days I can hold it together great and others I just lose it. It has affected our decision to have more kids and yes I think certain personalities do better with more kids.
I am very Type-A, organized and HATE stress and chaos. Anyone with this type of personality is pretty much screwed when it's time to have little ones!
I am NOT a patient person AT ALL. Not even close. I can be very rigid with things, don't let things go, and can be very tense and snap a lot.
That being said, I had 3 kids in 3 years and it's so much better NOW. My little one is 3 and I'm not yelling as much. I HATE HATE HATE the newborn stage - did I mention how I HATE it? I'm better with toddlers and preschoolers and older kids.
I have one sister - we're 20 months apart and never babysat or had ANY desire to be around kids. My friends from HS and college can't believe that I'm a SAHM. I was very career driven.
The world around me thinks I'm calm, cool and collected and have my $hit together. It takes a LOT of effort for me to "appear" this way. I'm more of a procrastinator ("I'll get to it") and don't work well with schedules. I need to do things on my own time and you have to give that up a lot with kids.
All that being said, I can't imagine it any other way now.
GL!
Love and Logic for Early Childhood. It is WONDERFUL if you want to stop yelling at, or nagging your children. Or if you are just tired of the sound of your own voice!