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A vent about other peoples' picky eaters
This has been driving me crazy since Christmas so I feel like I just need to vent about it and get over it.
Our 7 year old nephew is an extremely picky eater. I honestly don't know what he eats besides snack food and pizza and dessert. And of course, his 3 year old brother is basically now just as picky (why wouldn't he be?)
Which is fine, kids can be picky but his parents seem to have basically given up on even asking him to try food. In fact, SIL brings an entire bag full of fruit snacks, yogurt and crackers to family gatherings. Both at C's birthday (picnic kind of food - pulled pork, cole slaw, potato salad, baked beans) and at Christmas Eve (a cheesy lasagna, bread, salad, roasted carrots), she set her kids down with a plate FULL of crappy snacks before she even put real food in front of them. And then she would put like two things on their plate and not even ask them to try it.
This is starting to really piss me off. To the point that I don't have any intention of inviting them over for any kind of meal again. Not only do they eat crap and B&SIL don't even ask them to try real food, but the 7 year old is whiny and petulant and asks "How come there's nothing I like to eat here??" and various other comments on the food that I think are just rude coming from a 7 year old. I could understand a 3 year old whining, but I really think the 7 year old should have some kind of idea of manners, especially when this happens at EVERY family function that doesn't involve pizza. Oh! And of course, after he ate his snack food dinner, he had TWO helpings of dessert. And then whined about being hungry later.
Not only that, but WTF am I supposed to do when C wants fruit snacks for dinner because that's what his cousin is eating? I told him that we were eating lasagna for dinner, not fruit snacks and crackers (which, by the way, the 3 year old gorged so much on that he literally made himself sick at the table!). Turns out C had a stomach virus (which I thought the vomiting nephew gave us, but evidently he wasn't sick at all after that), so he would have barely eaten even if he hadn't seen nephew but UGH. This was easier to ignore when it didn't effect my kid.
This got long, but damn. It has been bothering me. A lot. One thing I think we've done a good job of as parents is sitting down for meals and getting C to eat a wide variety of foods and it just burns me that B&SIL don't even bother and nephew is so spoiled about it all. Grrrr.
Thanks for reading. Please tell me to get over myself.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: A vent about other peoples' picky eaters
I hear you. But I am leaning towards getting over it.
My almost-ten year old niece fits that exact definition. For years now my brother and SIL (well, let's face it, my SIL is really the one who indulges this because she is herself a rather picky eater, but I blame them both) have brought separate food to family functions for my incredibly picky niece. We all judged them for years - so many missed opportunities for her to try different things - it was totally confounding. To this day she eats like five meals - pasta, pizza, salty snacky veggie puff things, chicken nuggets, bagels and of course anything dessert It's beyond frustrating.
However...
We (me, DH, my mom and dad, my other brother, my aunt - basically anyone who hosts them for meals) had to, one by one, just get over it already. My (wise) father was the one who let it got first - maybe when she was 5 or so. Then my DH, then my aunt, then me - my mom is still sort of a hold out. She gets so ANGRY when they bring crap for niece to eat when we make seemingly totally kid-friendly food.
I actually had to talk to my mom this Christmas, because she always hosts Christmas dinner and she always makes crawfish etoufee - it's our annual tradition and is a nod to my Dad's growing up in Cajun country. It's about the least kid-friendly meal because it's spicy and it looks like - well - I'm sure you've seen etouffee, it's not exactly appetizing looking (but of course is YUMMY). Mom called me and said "what do you want me to make for your kids?" I told her don't worry about it - we'd bring our go-to - chicken nuggets and apple sauce - and she didn't have to do anything separate. Then she was all "SIGH - well I suppose SIL will bring niece separate food too... I wish she'd eat my etoufee."
True, a ten year old could probably stomach it - and mom puts so much effort into making it - but I told her - you cannot take this personally. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and it is not an insult to your cooking. They are the parents of that child and it is their decision. Stop it, mom, just stop judging and make your awesome meal.
As for the times when niece is like "hurmph, why isn't there anything to EAT here?" - yes it's rude, so I just say "well this is what we made, you may want to talk to your mom about what you need." And she rolls her eyes and walks away. So - I say to myself - so what? Who cares, it's not my kid. I worry about her, she's incredibly skinny and has no energy and there is no mystery as to why. But who am I? She's not insulting my cooking - she's a kid who has been enabled to eat only what she wants to eat - that wasn't my doing.
I love my brother and SIL, and I love my niece. So, I just let it go. It's hard to do for sure - I totally understand because it took me a long time - but I would attempt to release this before you decide to never have them over for a meal.
I'd get over it for the kids' sakes. It isn't their faults that they've been trained to eat like this.
I would never advocate a confrontation --- and I'm guessing with the 7 year old there really is no opportunity for it to be anything other than a confrontation --- but is there any opportunity for you to offer them food to try? If so, I would take any opportunity to do it. Casually and just as part of whatever is going on.
Maybe it's because I love food and it's important to me that DD eat (or at least try everything), but I really don't understand limiting kids from an early age. Right now DD eats everything - except cheese (weird kid). She loves peas of all things (which I hate). The other day she ate spicy chicken and salmon. I turned around and everything was gone from her tray. It just seems so much easier in the long run.
THIS. It is not the kids' fault. I usually blame the parents. My cousin's kids are the worst eaters I've ever seen in my life. And my cousin, their mom, is a dietitian for a living! It's so sad. It makes me feel ill to watch them eat (and what they eat) and then I watch my 2yo eat WHATEVER my aunt (my cousin's mom) has cooked for a family meal and I smile to myself.
I totally feel you on this. We're friends with a couple whose kids I adore. They are sweet, smart, funny kids and they always play well with Warner, but things just go to hell at meal time. They basically only eat mac n cheese, grilled cheese, yogurt and some fruit snack type things. That is it and I'm not exaggerating. And it does make it really hard to tell Warner that he has to eat his "real" meal while these older kids (who he thinks are the coolest), get to eat junk.
I'll be the first to admit that getting Warner to try new foods and eat a variety of healthy foods has been far more challenging than I ever thought it would be. Also, since he's always been a big kid, we've never had to worry about making sure he's just eating something--meaning, he can skip a meal or two without us freaking out about him dropping below a healthy weight. So if Warner doesn't eat what I fix, he doesn't eat at all and he definitely doesn't get dessert! And we do the same thing at other people's houses. The only time I bent the rules on this was on Christmas Day this year because it was Christmas and his routine was all off and well, eff it, it was Christmas! ;-)
But I'm with the pp, I blame the parents. You have to teach your children to eat just like you teach them everything else. If you let them think that it's okay to just have mac n cheese all the time, that's what they will eat.
I'd try to get over it. My brother's kids are weird eaters. I blame the mom. She has a long history with eating disorders and is a bizarre cook. She can't cook at all. The last time I had dinner at their house she served bean dip and salad. THe kids eat a lot of peanut butter and pizza.
I make kid friendly stuff like mac and cheese and they turn their noses up (it's not Kraft so it's weird). The oldest one has gotten past the whole thing and will eat what's put in front of him politely.
I know, I know. I think the reason this is really starting to bother me is that nephew has become kind of obnoxious in general and his parents are ALWAYS catering to him. It was easier to ignore when he wasn't constantly whining and making rude comments. Plus, the fact that C is watching him and actually paying attention to his behavior and mimicking things he says.
And as usual, Arstlvr, you have given me some things to keep in mind.
But, again, his behavior is a result of his parents. I think having other role models in his life and seeing how you interact with C can have nothing but a positive impact over time. C won't act like his cousins based on a few hours/days/weeks per year.
I could have written this post about my nephews (8 and 5) after Thanksgiving. They have always been picky eaters, eat about 5 things, and their parents never did much about it. Again, she's not a big cook and was picky as a kid herself, so she let them get away with it.
They see DS about 4 times a year, and Thankgiving was the first big meal they had with us in a while. They were floored that I didn't make him separate food. That he ate salad, stuffing, turkey, broccoli, etc. My SIL asked me how I do it, and honestly I give a lot of credit to his DCP because she is an awesome cook and expects that they will eat what she makes, but I also told her - that's just the way it's always been. Unless we're having something totally bizarre (like the crawfish artslvr mentioned) he eats it.
Well, she's having another baby this month, and decided she wanted a turn around after seeing DS. So, about 3 weeks ago she started making them eat whatever she and BIL were eating. OH MY. It has been hard, but she totally earned my respect back over Christmas when I saw her stick to her guns. The 8 year old cried during dinner (I mean, it was rough) and the 5 year old during lunch the next day, and I guess a lot of meals have been like that - but slowly I think she is making a turn around for them. She's not forcing them to eat, she's just saying this is what there is, if you don't eat at least a little, no dessert.
Just to say all we can do is what we think is right for our kiddos and maybe hope one day it is eye opening to someone else who is of a different opinion? I think a big turn around for SIL was that she is about to have #3 and time is going to be a big issue!
I don't do anything different from kid to kid but my DD is a very picky eater while DS will eat anything in sight.
I think you are really assigning to much value/judgment to the eating issue. They don't eat well and they bring their own food, why let it bother you?
My son is taught that we do things a certain way in our family and other people do what works in theirs. From prayer to eating to bed times to the way we speak to each other. Doesn't matter, our way is our way.
You vented to us, now let it go. They are not doing it to annoy you- just to appease the kids
I know I am, because eating together and having a pleasant meal is important to me. I like to cook and I like enjoying a nice meal with my family. For years it was as simple as they brought their own food and supplemented what was there. Now, it's the nephew whining through dinner, my MIL asking across the table what he's eating and what he's not and why and my kid wanting to know why he can't have fruit snacks for dinner too. When I think about it, it's honestly disrupted every non-pizza meal we've had as a family in the past year.
I think I need to just accept that this will be a disruption. I need to drink a glass of wine, accept that nephew gets away with obnoxious behavior and know that (like BirdGirl said), C will not learn bad habits in the once a month or so that he sees them. Now if only I can remember all that.
there's your answer!
(sorry, did not see a wine glass icon)
Your kid is a year and a half, not seven, so I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm really not condemning all parents of picky kids. I know that kids can be picky, I know they have phases and that every human has foods that they don't like. But I think B&SIL have handled the situation poorly and it's kind of spiraled out of control, especially with nephew's general attitude about it, which probably bugs me the most.
It seems like you pinpointed it is also the obnoxious behavior that is annoying you more than eating habits. If it gets to be too much you can also state the rules of your house - no whining at the dinner table or that we are thankful for the food in front of us. At the least it might let BIL/SIL know that the behavior is unacceptable in your house. That is the way my sister and I work it - at her house it is OK to jump on the couch but no closing the playroom doors by kids, at my house no jumping on couch (bad example for Molly who usually flies off of it into some piece of furniture) but snacks are OK in the living room if you sit down to eat them.
On the picky eater topic, I consider my own kids picky eaters and like WnW I don't feel like I have a ton of control over that, although we are getting out of the picky eating stages with each of them (yay for Molly getting out sooner than Maggie). However at your nephew's age I do feel like the parents are sometimes too permissive (seems that way with his rude behavior too) and that allows the picky eating to continue. We work on eating new things multiple times a week and I feel like we really try.
However I also don't force it when we are someone else's house. For example at my dad's house on Sunday they were having steak, corn, mashed potatoes and a broccoli salad (like coleslaw). Maggie ate the corn and Molly ate the potatoes (Molly tried the corn but spit it out even though she just ate a bunch of it the other day, both tried the broccoli salad and disliked the dressing). So I gave them some apple sauce and fruit loops so we could all eat at the table together which my sister told her daughter wasn't healthy (when her daughter asked for them) which truthfully kind of annoyed me - all my niece will eat for dinner every single night (no exaggeration) is grilled cheese and my kids snacked on shrimp, grape tomatoes, carrots, cheese and celery all afternoon while all her daughter will eat are goldfish for snacks so I thought it was a bit of the pot calling the kettle black. Really I thought my dad would have peanut butter and jelly for a sandwich or hot dogs or pasta or something a little more kid friendly than steak that I could make for them and fruit loops was the only thing resembling a meal that I brought along with me. However when we are traveling sometimes it just easier to give them something they will definitely eat than to try and make them eat new things. But whining and complaining about someone else's food would have been a timeout for rude behavior from a child that is old enough to know better.
I think you can safely address the attitude head on since that seems to be the heart of the problem. Your niece/nephew might not like it, but not addressing attitude is sometimes seen as acceptance of it. And like you, I think it is unacceptable. Children learn graciousness and manners through practice and repetition. If you think correcting your niece/nephew (sorry I forget which one) will cause WWIII with their parents, talk to them first and ask permission to correct behavior.
As to the food preference/picky party, that I would let go. Some kids are, no matter the parents best intentions. And it is wearying to continually offer and have every meal be a battlefront. DD was a fabulous eater until she was about 2 and then she wouldn't eat things that were cut. And then other favorites started going away and the adventuresome attitude she had towards food diminished. We have a rule about tasting everything on the plate and if she doesn't like it, well either she gets a sandwich or just plain fruit and un-cut veggies - I just don't want mealtimes to be negative. I am not to the point where I've given up yet, it sounds like your family is.
I agree with a lot of the pp's have said, but to me, the bottom line in your post is that this annoys you and as I see it, that is ok. I would probably find it annoying too. As with a ton of crap in life, you just have to figure out how to deal with it so it has the least impact on your life. In this case, that might be just not seeing them at mealtimes. Or maybe it's that C sits at the opposite end of the table as them when you do have meals together so that he isn't privy to what is on their plate.
I'm sure you will figure it out, but vent away in the meantime.
I think you've gotten some awesome advice - this is much more about them than you. I, too, like meal times to be pleasant, for us to sit together and for everyone to eat what they are served, but the reality is that it doesn't always happen (we eat every meal together except lunch during the week). DD1 used the be the most fabulous eater (seriously, kale was one of her favorites) and in the last few months has become picky (she's 40 months). She won't touch anything green. DD2 hasn't found a vegetable she likes despite me offering different veggies served in a variety of ways (she's 15 months). I am an adventurous eater, but my DH is not and I'm afraid they may have inherited that from him. My neice, who is 7, hardly eats anything and it's not because she didn't have the options as a baby, it's just who she is. She wouldn't eat if she wasn't reminded too...and she's been like that since she was a toddler.
Pour your glass of wine before they come over, top it off at the start of the meal and be happy that you have an example to learn from.