Baby shower frustrations... and feeling guilty! — The Bump
February 2012 Moms

Baby shower frustrations... and feeling guilty!

Hi ladies. I would love some insight into how to deal with my friends and potential baby shower. I feel selfish and guilty that I'm frustrated with them, but I really don't know how to deal with things right now.

 First of all, I live in an isolated town in Canada's north. I have no family here, so no help from mom or sister. Lately, a few of my friends have asked me if I'm going to have a baby shower??!!!?!! Well, umm, no, I'm not throwing a shower for myself. I usually just respond that I'm not, since I haven't lived here that long and don't know very many people. 

Anyway, two friends in particular have asked if I would mind if they throw me one. I said not at all, but they didn't have to. Once again... all is well.

NOW, however, they are thinking of waiting until the end of January to throw it... or even wait until after baby is born. This would be fine with me except I have a full schedule for 5-6 weeks of family coming to visit starting the first week in February, PLUS since we live in a very isolated area, there are only 2 places to shop for baby items with VERY limited selections. I will need to order most items and they usually take weeks to arrive. One friend said that she wanted to wait until after the baby was born so that they could buy me all of the necessities that I didn't already have. Ah, am I crazy to think that I should PREPARE for baby's arrival and actually have the necessities BEFORE little once arrives? Especially since we can't just go out to a mall and buy things. Honestly, we have a small section in a small walmart to shop in or a small section in a grocery store. No where else.

 How should I approach this? I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I'm so frustrated that they want to throw this for me, but are so wishy-washy about the whole thing that it just seems to be a mess. What should I say when they ask to throw it after the baby is born? I really don't want that with visitors, flu season and temps hover around -40 degrees Celsius here in Feb.  

Sigh sigh sigh. Am I just being a difficult pregnant lady right now? Oh the hormones! :-)

 

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Re: Baby shower frustrations... and feeling guilty!

  • I dont' think you're being particularly difficult.  If it's hard to get hold of the things you'll need, I would just let your friends know that you will have the necessities, but if they do want to throw you a shower, then you could request fun things, like cute outfits, infant toys, teething rings, and even extra diapers!  That way you will still have what you need to get started, and your friends can still throw you a party.  :)
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  • When My Mom couldnt make up her mind on a date... I finally said thank you very much for wanting to throw me a shower, but here are my available dates... I wanted time to order what we need and do not receive and not have it too close to holidays where no one would come.  So we have one next weekend by my Mom and family  @ 36and the weekend after @ 37w by DH's family that requires us to travel and stay overnight..

    I pray MFM doesn't want to induce me due to my larger than average size baby boy...at least not before 37w1d. Angel

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  • It is kind of up to them what they want to do. However I think it's perfectly fine to be honest with them that the earlier, the better. Although, anytime in January is cutting it close to get invitations out. 
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  • imagebobyn1113:
    It does sound like a frustrating situation, but TBH, you shouldn't be relying on a potential shower to prepare for your child. I would get what you really need (stroller, car seat, etc.) and then they can fill in the blanks, like clothing and blankets.

    Yes  You should get your necessities now so that you don't have to worry about whether or not other people will come through and then (assuming you have a shower) friends can "fill in the blanks" w/ the small things. I also agree w/ a PP about letting them know what your available dates are since it doesn't seem like having a shower after the baby will work w/ your schedule. If they don't want to work w/ you or continue to be wishy-washy, you may just have to do without a baby shower. Also, amazon has an awesome registry. But no, I don't think you're being overly hormonal or anything. GL.

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  • I just canceled the one that was being planned for me in January...I'm due the first week in Feb and my MIL expected me to drive 4 hours to her...after my long drive on Xmas eve to her house I realized I couldn't possibly do it at 37 weeks pregnant...At first she said well let's do a "meet the baby party"...I told her if that was to happen I would have to be in complete control of the guest list and there would be less than 10 people there...that pissed her off too because she wanted to invite every old woman in her family and the majority of them I have never met...So I said thank you for wanting to throw one but it's just gotten too late in the pregnancy for me to handle the stress of it all...Plus I don't want to be that far away at 37 weeks pregnant. She probably thinks I'm being a hormonal pregnant woman but she'll have to get over it...You need to listen to your body and if it's too much stress to deal with your friends then just say "sorry I'm too pregnant"...people can't argue with you over it because well...you are!

  • Personally, I would just go out and buy the absolute necessities myself, and put all that isn't required as soon as the baby is born on the registry. That way, you're prepared when baby gets here, and the shower can be for the things you'll need later on. Initially when the baby is born, you won't need a ton of stuff anyway.


  • imageFirstSchatz:
    I dont' think you're being particularly difficult.  If it's hard to get hold of the things you'll need, I would just let your friends know that you will have the necessities, but if they do want to throw you a shower, then you could request fun things, like cute outfits, infant toys, teething rings, and even extra diapers!  That way you will still have what you need to get started, and your friends can still throw you a party.  :)

    This!!! I do think this is the best option b/c it allows you the time to get the necessities but still have the fun experience of having a baby shower. Hope this works best for you!

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  • Thanks so much ladies. For making me NOT feel like a crazy hormonal ungrateful person, and for your advice in handling things. I really appreciate your support and suggestions. I have calmed down quite a bit since I wrote this post and am willing to accept that what ever happens happens. I will go ahead and order the things that I need (on my to do list today) and leave the fun stuff for my friends. I think I find it frustrating because I love to give practical and useful gifts, but I have to accept that that is my anal personality and not everyone else's. lol. 

    Good luck to you all. February will soon be here...  

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    BFP #2 26/02/11, Missed m/c 05/04/11, d&c 13/04/11
    BFP #3 03/06/11, h/b detected at 6w1d and 7w4d. Grow baby Grow!
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  • I'm a Canadian as well (in small town BC) and I don't think it's as common to have showers before the baby is born, use a baby registry and find out the sex as it seems to be on the Bump.  I may be wrong but with the people IRL I have known all of the above is fairly uncommon. 

    We are team green so we have purchased the basic necessities and everybody tells me that after the kid is born we will get all we need and more from the shower.

    One thing is is that people may have purchased things for you already (beware of family.. you might want to ask some way.) and not told you and will give them to you at your shower/when the kid is in hospital.

    I think you do have a bit of an issue in that all your family is coming for after the kid is born and that might not necessarily be a great time to have a friend-hosted shower though...

    Bean - 02/19/12
    Burrito -  10/04/14
  • There must be some differences by region and countries.  In USA babies showers are typically held before in order to shower the mother with items she needs before the baby is born (carseats, stroller, nursery items and bedding ect). I've had two showers so far and have most of the major items bought with the exception of the breast pump and pack n play.  Since breast pumps are expensive some people will give gift cards thinking you will be able to use them towards items on the registry. In Canada it seems you have them after, which is nice for guests to meet the baby but doesn't seem as helpful for the mother.  Plus I don't want everyone's germs around my baby right afterwards. Everyone is sick usually during the winter months. 
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