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mother in law needs advice
My son and daughter-in-law are expecting the first grandchild in both families soon. It is in a city about one hour from our house and her family is there. We are naturally ALL very excited. We have asked them what they would like us to do- after attending a grandparenting class, where the birthing room ( with the option of any family members attending) was disclosed, we were surprised and didn't think we would be comfortable at the actual birth. We thought the young couple would do that on their own with maybe her mother there, perhaps. When we didn't hear anything about this from her, we brought it up to our son saying we were not thinking of that and he agreed. But then we asked what they wanted us to do; could or should we be told when she goes into labor and drive down to waiting room? Or even wait in a local restaurant to celebrate with other family members and maybe have a peek at the baby afterwards. It seems that it would be a little cold to be told after the whole event happens....we would definitely feel a bit left out.but we do want them to have as good experience as possible.But my son is very busy with his job and my daughter in law is just not answering. I think the question is: Do we just wait until they tell us or ask again or just go to a local restaurant and hope to stay in touch by cell phone? Our relationship with her and her family is friendly and pleasant but not totally close. The birth is very soon (two weeks) so I feel a bit uncomfortable with this silence. Does the group feel that this is a way of letting us know to just stay home?
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Re: mother in law needs advice
With my first, the only person that knew when I was in labor was my sister (she took my dog) and with my second and third, my aunt knew because she took my older kids. Everyone else was called AFTER I had given birth. Honestly, if my ILs (or my dad, or anyone else) felt that was cold or felt left out, that is their issue, not mine. I understand that everyone was excited, but DH and I both felt strongly about not having anyone know. We didn't want anyone waiting or calling. It made me more comfortable.
My advice would be to simply tell them "We are ok with whatever you decide when it comes to telling us when you have the baby" and leave it up to them. Don't bother them or ask to be told ahead of time, its not really about you. (I'm not trying to sound harsh, just being honest)
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
I went into labor on a Friday and didn't have DD until Monday... that would be a long time for anyone to be waiting, lol.
I'd just wait until AFTER the baby comes, then make arrangements to see them.
I would hang tight at home. It is only an hour. Like the previous poster stated, woman can be in labor for days. I assume your son will call you when she goes into labor, and then when the baby is born. Your Daughter in Law is going to be exhausted. Depending on what time it is when the baby is born, you could come for a visit to see the baby either that day or the following. I think the days of waiting in the waiting room for the 'its a boy' or 'its a girl' announcement are a thing of the past given the instant communication we have these days.
I know that may not be what you wanted to hear, but I think you would be most comfortable waiting in your own home, versus a local restaurant for what could be hours. If you were invited into the birthing room you could also go be there for that part, hopefully it is calm and she has had an epidural (if she chooses) then you could leave for the actual pushing/delivery part of the birth. (I don't recall from you post if you were invited to the birthing room or not)
I know you are excited and your son is super lucky to have you. Good Luck Grandma to be!!! And Spoil that baby as soon as you can:)
I couldn't have kept away my MIL and FIL or my parents if I had hired armed guards. I even tried to delay calling my mom to avoid her being there, but she made it just in time!
In the end, it really wouldn't be worth the hurt feelings I think for son/DIL to just tell you can't wait in the waiitng room...however, it won't be worth it for you to fight them on it either way or she will always remember it didn't go her way at the delivery.
I had a failed induction and a c/s after 8.5 hours on Pitocin. That's a long time to be waiting around. My mom was the only one who knew it was that day. Everyone else got called after he was here.
DD was a scheduled c/s, and again the calls went out from the recovery room.
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
I'm in the minority here. I agree you should probably just wait at home for the call and head to the hospital later that day, but I think you should get a call saying 'here we go' unless it's at 3am.
I didn't have the opportunity to make this decision. I had two scheduled sections so both sets of parents knew the date/time and were there by the time both kids were born. I definitely wouldn't have wanted them in the delivery room. In fact, I asked not to be seen until after the delivery because I was a nervous wreck about having surgery. My parents listened, but MIL did not. In the end, it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.
good luck and congrats!!
Three of our four parents live 10-20 minutes from the hospital and one lives 2 hours away. My husband and I felt strongly that no one be in the delivery room with us, but everyone knew I was in labor and both of our mom came to see us while I was in early labor.
My son was born at 7:14 AM (after being I was in labor at the hospital for 14 hours) and all 4 sets of our parents came to the hospital that day he was born to meet him (the first two sets arriving before I was even out of the delivery room). There was no reason for them to sit in the waiting room and we were in touch (phone, text) throughout the process.
This worked REALLY well for us and was no big inconvenience for our family. My husband and I had our space/privacy for the birth and the support of our family immediately afterwards. Your best bet is to respect their wishes, but hopefully they'll be considerate of your excitement and keep you in the loop.
Maybe they think that you really want to be there and that's why they haven't said anything. I know how things can get misinterpreted when it comes to in laws. I would say to just tell them you are fine with whatever they decide in regards to telling or not telling, that you'd never expect to intrude on them or disrespect their wishes and you are simply wondering where they stand.
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
Different people approach this so differnetly and often feel very strongly about it. I would wonder if their silence means that they really don't want to tell people until after the birth but are afraid of people being angry if they say that upfront. So maybe try one more time to tell them upfront that if they plan to wait and share the news after the baby is born, that's perfectly fine, but that you are just curious what their plan is.
I was one who really didn't want people knowing that I was in labor and waiting around at the hospital or elsewhere. I wanted to be left alone and have privacy to do what i needed to do without worrying about updating other people or concern that others would be worried if it was a long process and they didn't hear any news. I also knew that I would want several hours of time alone with my new baby before having guests, and that would be much harder to do if I knew that there was a room (or restaurant) full of people waiting to be invited to come visit the baby as soon as he/she was born. But we did explain this to our families ahead of time - that they should not expect to get a "we're heading to the hospital" call and updates. It turned out that I was induced, and that BIL was going to take care of our dogs, so we did end up telling people about the scheduled induction but requested that they not call us for updates or expect to hear from us until we were calling to share news of baby being born. It was not what the grandparents would have preferred, but I very much appreciated that they respected my wishes on that. Both of my babies ended up being born in the middle of the night, and the grandparents came to visit late morning the next day, which I thought was great - time for me to bond with the baby and rest and recover a bit before having visitors.
As the grandparent, I just think it would be nice to know your child is headed to the hospital to have his own child. I have a friend (a fellow nestie) who during labor found out the hard way that she had an undetected heart issue and died during delivery. She had an emergency Csection. The baby was saved and she was on life support for some 18 days. The doctors didn't have much hope for saving her and then a miracle happened. She woke up on her own, mad as hell, wanting to know what happened.
Imagine having to make that phone call to her parents if they didn't even know she was in labor.
I think what you said in your last response is perfect. Just say that to them. We respect your wishes, we just want to know what they are.
We called both sets of parents and kept them posted, by phone, on and off during the whole day. Baby was born at night and congratulations were expressed via cell phone almost immediately, in the delivery room. Then we slept and had that night and most of the next day together as a little new family until my family visited the next late-day afternoon. DH's parents visited (and brought sandwiches for lunch for everybody) when we arrived home. It was perfect.
Why would you be in a restaurant if you only live an hour away? That seems really odd. I think the long wait in the waiting room pre-dates such easy access with cell phones. There really isn't any reason to rush to the hospital when you can get regular updates with cell phones (and no one in the hospital told us to put them away).
If you are not part of the birth plan, I would not plan to be in the room during the birth. I would keep in touch by phone and drive the one hour when you are ready to visit the hospital. They will tell you - things go fast or quick, just play it by ear.
I was a "more the merrier" type person but I had a super fast labor and was already in the hospital on bedrest. My parents were both in the room (my dad behind a curtain) but it happened so quickly that they and dh barely made it in time. My inlaws got there just before he arrived but didn't come back to the room until they announced his birth in the waiting room. At that point, my bff's, my brother and SIL, parents, inlaws, everyone came in. However, that's what I was comfortable doing.
I would say that if they aren't being responsive, then are indicating their preference for privacy. I'd ask them to call you when she goes into labor so that you can be excited at home (NOT at a restaurant sitting vigil). Then ask them to call you after she's given birth to let you know everything went well. At that time, ask them when they would feel comfortable receiving visitors. Honestly, this is THEIR family time and they need to consider themselves and their comfort and timing first.
I must be the only person left in the world who had the traditional waiting room "It's a boy!" moment!!!!
My parents were too excited to stay home so they came down after work (I had been in labor all day) and waited in the waiting room for about 2 hours until DH went out and announced the gender and the name (both were a surprise). Then DH came back to the room and we hung out with the baby for at least an hour and my parents and sister came down after that. I felt a little bad about how long they were hanging out, but they knew exactly what I was planning (time alone after birth, no visitors during labor) and htey were happy to just sit there and wait. DH's parents were in the loop via text all day and came to the hospital shortly after my parents left for a quick visit.
I had that moment too. Name and gender were both secrets to everyone. It was much easier for me though since both were scheduled sections. I do think it's the way of the past, but it's one of the best memories for us.