question about what to say/do — The Bump
Childless not by choice

question about what to say/do

So, my future sister in law and her husband are not going to have children. She is an old friend and me and my fiance` actually introduced her to her husband (my fiance`s older brother) which is kind of beside the point...Ok, so she's always wanted kids and before they were married her husband said that he did too. That all changed after they got married and now he refuses to have children and she had a lot of complications that require her to have children early, and she is almost past the point of even having a marginal chance of having a baby if he agreed. Me and my fiance` will start trying to have children in the next year, after our wedding, and I just feel so GUILTY. I don't know what to do or say once we do get pregnant...I don't want to hurt her or make her feel like I am pitying her...but I don't want to exclude her from all the baby stuff that I'm sure will be going on...I am at a loss for what I could do or say or how I should act to be courteous to her...any advice would be appreciated, and I understand if you don't want to give me any also-I respect you ladies, I have several friends who cannot have babies due to cancer, financial stuff, and surgeries, but they aren't close like a SIL is... 
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Re: question about what to say/do

  • When you get pregnant, I would email her privately prior to telling the rest of the family so that she doesn't have to be worried about 1. finding out in a group setting or 2. having to put on a brave face. I'm sure she'd appreciate being able to digest the information on her own time and respond when she's ready. There are a lot of emotions we feel when someone close to us gets pregnant, and a family member whose kids would share grandparents with our non-existant offspring can be even harder.

    Tell her that you understand that this news may be hard to take and you respect that she may need time to digest it. Don't expect her to jump right into planning a baby shower or wanting to shop with you. Tell her she's more than welcome to join in on shopping or planning if she likes, but you'll leave it to her to voice her desire to do so. Focus your conversations on your lives (BOTH of your lives) outside of her pregnancy. If she brings up the baby, by all means, answer questions, but don't bombard her with constant updates on your morning sickness or first kicks. She'll decide her level of involvement with the baby.

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  • Thank you, that was helpful :)
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