Community› The Bump Message Boards› Late Term and Child Loss
Late Term and Child Loss
New Discussion

DH moving on so quickly

lrichmond86lrichmond86 member
in Late Term and Child Loss
Why is it that my DH is able to so quickly take this terrible thing that has happened to us and look at it in a logical way and make positive changes to his life?  We've talked so much about it and I know that losing our little guy still affects him deeply, but it's so much easier for him to look at the situation and do things to move on from it than it is for me!  Even though I know he's still hurting, I feel like he's leaving us... me and our baby... behind.  I realize that this is far from the truth, but lately what my head tells me and what my heart tells me are two entirely different things.  When I stop to think about it, I love my husband tremendously and I never want to see him hurting, so if he's able to be happy more often than not, I should be happy for him.   For the most part, he's still very understanding of my emotional rants, but part of me can't help but feel like a disappointment that I'm not able to be as happy as he is as as often as he is.  Grr... these hormones are making me crazy!
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

image



Report Reply to Post

Re: DH moving on so quickly

  • LuckEinLuvLuckEinLuv member
    I know exactly what you mean!  I even asked DH the other night, "are you still sad?"  His answer was sometimes.  Sometimes?!  I am sad every moment!!
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    image

    image

    ***Congratulations to my TTCAL buddy Roxyttandme!! It's a GIRL!! Charlotte arrived on 9/29!!!!***
    PGaL/PAL Always Welcome!!
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • Petunia844Petunia844 member
    I know what you mean, I struggled a lot with loneliness when DH and I got to this point, but he said something one day about how he thinks about Peyton all the time... and that helped.  I also just talked to him about it, told him I was feeling lonely and left behind and he assured me I wasn't.  It's just hard, men grieve VERY differently, and with a loss that happened before the baby was born, they didn't get to know their baby as much as we did.  Big hugs.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

    CafeMom Tickers

    Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!

    My Blog

    Report Reply
  • caitriona87caitriona87 member
    I'm sorry. It kind of seemed this way for us at first too, but as time has gone on our roles have reversed. I am not sure how long it has been for you I've read that it's common for men to feel like they need to 'man up' or 'be strong' or whatever while the woman grieves, and then sometimes once he feels like she is starting to improve, he will then allow himself to grieve. I found this was true to our experience. This is such a hard experience on a marriage. ((Hugs))
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • pottermommypottermommy member

    My DH told me once that in the aftermath of Kamryn's death he was faced with an impossible fate.  Grieving and missing his daughter and being strong for his wife.  He said it was his job to carry me, it was his job to pull me with him and he couldn't do that on his knees, 

    He thinks of our DD daily and there are times even now that he sees a little blonde headed baby in a store and I see in his eyes as he shuts down.  But he hides it, he swallows it. 

    And I would bet that your DH is just the same.  You will also notice that dates or milestones seem not to affect him like they do you.  Most men are affected by something physical, a child, a pregnant woman, a hospital, a onezie that he once bought for the baby on another baby...Something that forces him back.

    I would tell you not to feel alone but I know you will, as I have from time to time.  Just remember he loves you he loves his baby, but he grieves so so different. 

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • CaroleeCarolee member
    (((HUGS))) This was hard for me to deal with also.  I felt like DH moved on so quickly, while I seemed to be stuck in my grief.  As time passed, I realized that this wasn't really the case - he just processed things differently than I did.  I found out that he had a lot of little things that triggered his emotions, and that helped me realize that he still thinks about Eliott as much as me, although he doesn't always talk about it or share it with me.  In a way, I think it's him trying to be strong for me - the only time I ever saw him cry was when Eliott died.  It's like he tries to be happy and strong so he doesn't cry.  I wish I could help him with that somehow.
    Mom to Eliott Alexander, born sleeping at 37 weeks on 8/13/10. Most of us only dream of angels - I held one in my arms.
    BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
    BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
    Too beautiful for this earth
    BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
    Report Reply
  • weddedwifeweddedwife member
    This is because men are "doers" and women are "talkers". We just process our grief differently. It doesn't mean he's not grieving too, he's just not grieving the same way as you are.
    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Report Reply
  • Buckets of MoonbeamsBuckets of Moonbeams

    My husband said almost the exact things as pottermommy's husband, and is affected by the same tangible reminders.  He told me he was grieving for our son, but he needed to be strong for that little boy's mama.  He was my rock through it all. 

    He misses our son every bit as much as I do and his death had as profound an impact on his life as it did mine, but early on he seemed to return to normal (or what became our new normal) more quickly than I did.

    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"