Snooping through cell phone

MarSamWhitney · December 2011

SS has been attatched to his phone all week, as any 13 year old would be. The other day I asked my H if he ever went through his phone to read the txt messages, and he said no, he would not invade his privacy.

What type of parent are you- would you check it? Does it make a diffrerence if I am the SM...is that a job for biological parents? That sounds like a stupid question, but I am curious of how you would view it.

Hopeforthebest · December 2011

I view it this way.

Privacy is NOT a right and certainly not for a child.

As a parent it is your responsibility to use everything you have at your disposal to care for,protect,nuture, etc children. I don't know about bio vs. step parent portion of this because everyone has a different relationship with their spouse regarding children. In my house I'm considered and equal to the bio parent and therefore if I had a reason/suspicion something bad was going on I'd not think twice.

+j+k+ · December 2011

It's DH's responsibility. Unless BM is completely out of the picture and you are a primary mother figure, it's not your responsibility. If you think there is something more serious going on, you need to let DH know.

Your DH is foolishly forgetting that his son is growing up in an entirely different world. If the boy is under your roof, and you are paying for the phone, computer, etc, you should have parental controls set up and your children should know that you reserve the right to check his phone at any give time.

MarSamWhitney · December 2011

Hopeforthebest:

I view it this way.

Privacy is NOT a right and certainly not for a child.

As a parent it is your responsibility to use everything you have at your disposal to care for,protect,nuture, etc children. I don't know about bio vs. step parent portion of this because everyone has a different relationship with their spouse regarding children. In my house I'm considered and equal to the bio parent and therefore if I had a reason/suspicion something bad was going on I'd not think twice.

Thats exactly how I view it...I just didnt know if I was old school or what. I am also considered an equal to my H, in regards to following rules- etc.. w/ SS (13).

MarSamWhitney · December 2011

+j+k+:

It's DH's responsibility. Unless BM is completely out of the picture and you are a primary mother figure, it's not your responsibility. If you think there is something more serious going on, you need to let DH know.

Your DH is foolishly forgetting that his son is growing up in an entirely different world. If the boy is under your roof, and you are paying for the phone, computer, etc, you should have parental controls set up and your children should know that you reserve the right to check his phone at any give time.

I agree. I'll tell you what I saw was disgusting. It is definitley a different time, or I am just old as heck. Now I have this info and of course have to let H know.

SS is "DTF" and discussing a hand jobs...bj's...etc from his so called GF. I wonder if H would like to be a grandpa at 35?

exc1tedforbaby1 · December 2011

MarSamWhitney:
+j+k+:

It's DH's responsibility. Unless BM is completely out of the picture and you are a primary mother figure, it's not your responsibility. If you think there is something more serious going on, you need to let DH know.

Your DH is foolishly forgetting that his son is growing up in an entirely different world. If the boy is under your roof, and you are paying for the phone, computer, etc, you should have parental controls set up and your children should know that you reserve the right to check his phone at any give time.

I agree. I'll tell you what I saw was disgusting. It is definitley a different time, or I am just old as heck. Now I have this info and of course have to let H know.

SS is "DTF" and discussing a hand jobs...bj's...etc from his so called GF. I wonder if H would like to be a grandpa at 35?

AT 13!? oh goodness.. good luck.

cole2144 · December 2011

The way I look at it is, if it comes into my home, I have the right to look at.

xmaryrickx · December 2011

cole2144:
The way I look at it is, if it comes into my home, I have the right to look at.

I check everything. H doesn't think if these things but he doesn't care if I do.

Nineoceans · December 2011

Yeah I was just going to say I work with pregnant 12 and 13 year old girls so my kids have another reality waiting for them. I am going to be all over everything they do

J&A2008 · December 2011

We check SS's phone. He knows we do. Sometimes I check it in front of him, other times I do it on the sly. Either way, he knows the cell phone is a privilege and that DH and I have the right to know who he's talking to and what they're talking about.

karatechrissy · December 2011

I think it purely depends on your family dynamic. For starters, I think every teen should have their phone and FB account monitored. I have young students that get 'naughty' text picture messages as young as 9. Kids are growing up fast these days. Secondly, I think it depends on your family dynamic if a step parent should be one of the people monitoring these things. I have been part of my SS's life since he was 2. You best believe that when he is 13 I will have no problem picking up his cell phone and checking through it periodically. If I married his dad when he was 10, I'd probably be leaving that up to his mom or dad. I have been w my SS from a young enough age where I will treat him exactly the same as I will my bio kids. I'll give (and do currently) punishments, rewards, everything. If it is something you have to question I would talk to DH and see his viewpoint on it. I know I can tell you without asking my husband that he wouldn't bat an eye at me doing it to any of our kids, but such is the dynamic of our family. :-)

fellesferie · December 2011

This is an area where parents need to be on the same page IMO. So if both husband & wife agree on privacy issues, it shouldn't matter who physically does the snooping.

DH and I aren't really there yet with our kids. DS knows a bit about respecting our privacy (ie, knocking when our bedroom door is closed), but that's about the extent of it.

So far, we've just kind of decided that we will give our kids the chance to earn some privacy. If their behavior is reasonable, their grades are good, and we have no reason to be suspicious, we won't go out of our way to snoop. If problems start, then that's off the table.

Kids obviously have no right to privacy, but depending on the child, I think it can be a privilege they earn.

bobmonkey · December 2011

DS has a cell and he has a gf. I go through his phone and check his texts. I don't want to be the parent "who had no idea". He knows I do it, and a lot of times I check it without him knowing.

I had DS when I was 19--I had actually found out I was pregnant at 18. 6 years older than he is now. It's too close for comfort and I don't want to be a grandmother anytime soon--hell, I am still working on #2!

FTR, I don't think it's wrong in this world we live in. I don't believe in coddling and smothering, but there is a line. I don't think anyone is crossing it here.

blush64 · December 2011

MarSamWhitney:
+j+k+:

It's DH's responsibility. Unless BM is completely out of the picture and you are a primary mother figure, it's not your responsibility. If you think there is something more serious going on, you need to let DH know.

Your DH is foolishly forgetting that his son is growing up in an entirely different world. If the boy is under your roof, and you are paying for the phone, computer, etc, you should have parental controls set up and your children should know that you reserve the right to check his phone at any give time.

I agree. I'll tell you what I saw was disgusting. It is definitley a different time, or I am just old as heck. Now I have this info and of course have to let H know.

SS is "DTF" and discussing a hand jobs...bj's...etc from his so called GF. I wonder if H would like to be a grandpa at 35?

I have a son who is about 16 and I do not check through his phone. I have access to it and to his facebook account. I have educated him about birth control, sex and drugs. If his behaviour suddenly changed, if his marks slipped, if he showed some sign of something going on I would check into it. I know all his friends and I have met their parents. I know which houses he is allowed to go to and the houses where the rules are not ok. Other than that I don't snoop, When he was younger I would check his facebook every so often to make sure there was nothing wrong.

I think your husband just needs to have a sex talk with his son. I wouldn't let him know you read or know anything though. I wouldn't want my 13 year old to be having sex or anything close BUT I would rather he had all the facts and an open relationship with me. (and my FI)

J&A2008 · December 2011

JennMM:
Honeslty if you are paying for the phone you have the right to check it.

If I were an NCP and didn't pay for the phone, I think I'm still entitled to check it when he's under my roof, since he's under my parental care. You're responsible for his well being when he's with you.

KensingtonBK · December 2011

When I was a kid, my parents didn't read my mail, and they didn't listen in on my phone calls. When I got to be a teenager, they didn't read my e-mails either. And as far as I know, they never read my diary, or searched my room. What they DID do was talk to me about sex, relationships, birth control, STDs, drinking, smoking, drugs, and strangers/pedophiles. I knew what they expected of me, and what was appropriate and inappropriate. I'm sure if I'd started acting out, rules would have changed, but at some point you have to teach your kids to interact with the world without you looking over their shoulders.

Does your H parent his son? Does he talk to him about appropriate and inappropriate behavior? That should come before invading his privacy.

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