Since my LO was born (4 weeks ago) I am a FTM and my MIL has been visiting constantly. I am a very private person to begin with, but I feel like the times when my husband and I have a day off together, we should be spending the time with eachother trying to be a family. Since the hospital, we have had 3 days off together with no visitors. The day I got back from the hospital we had about 10 people over within 1 hour of getting home. The following weekend, we had a surprise bday party for BIL with 50 people at the house. (note: I am EBF) The following weekend was Christmas....Christmas eve we had 3 places to go and we hosted Christmas at our house. Now MIL is mad that I said she cant visit tonight. I feel like people on his side should be more understanding. My side is. What does everyone else think? My LO BFs at least every 2-3 hours and when he gets hungry, the visitors think they can calm him down.....but he is hungry! Just given him to me so I can feed him and he can stop crying! I am getting so frustrated and I feel like it is interfering with my marriage at times!!
Re: MIL constantly visiting....HELP!
LCT - 5.15.14 ~ 9lbs, 22.5 inches
No you're not being selfish or crazy.
My MIL feels the need to give her advice on everything. She also put a birth announcement in the paper when we told her we were going to do it and then made it about my DS being her fourth grandchild...bla bla bla. Then told us after the paper was printed that she put it in. Sorry, slight vent.
I'm pretty sure she found out how mad I was because she stopped called for a while after that. Part of it may be too that my husband told her we were mad about it (the first time I think he has ever stood up to her).
In the same boat. Knowing that I just breastfeed! What makes me mad, everyone wanted to pass him around at Christmas. Now, LO has RSV and they STILL want to visit! GURRRR.......
Your DH needs to tell her that you need space and she needs to back off. End of story. When my MIL was here visiting and thought she could calm the baby down when he was hungry, I would just go over and say, "Hand him to me, I need to feed him." Say it like you mean it girl!
WOW!! Some nerve!!! I would be pissed too!! DH's grandma was pissed her name wasnt in our son's birth announcement. As far as I am concerned, it is about you, your husband and your child. Whats with these people?! Didn't they have their turn being parents? Ugh!
This. Your husband needs to be your advocate and fend off family and friends when you need your privacy, family time, whatever.
Haha! I never answer my door when I am feeding or pumping. Heck I dont even answer if we are awake and relaxing unless someone calls to ask if they can come over. My mom and her hubby would always stop by unannounced and we just decided to do the same as you....not answer! They finally got the hint. Too funny
Ladies I was reading through this thread; seeing myself in many of these postings ? here let me say IF YOUR DH IS NOT MAN ENOUGH to take responsibly or stand-up for you ? then it becomes your responsibly to do so!
But before you do ? you have a response talk with that DH ? telling him * IF HE DOESN?T TAKE CONTROL in limiting those visits by his mom or others in his family - then you intent telling HER and any other member of HIS family where they can get-off -- thereby restricting who, what, when, where, or how they will be received when they come for a visit.
I know this sounds harsh, cruel, somewhat being a b*t*h; but, you have to draw that line somewhere and the sooner they know/understand what?s expected of them the sooner you gain control of the situation. If they?re just not smart enough to see you need time alone with a new baby.
I'm assuming here many of you breastfeed (like I did/do) and my mother did us. From what I see in many of you is that your MIL more than likely bottle feed her child(ren) so she has no respect for you or her grand-child. This is sad to think she is that dense - selfish in that regard.
I too had this problem with our first so I told DH it had to stop since we lived only 12 miles from his family and over 200 miles from mine. He agreed we did need time alone to bond so he had that talk with his family. They would call seeing if it were convenient for them to come over and would not come at or around meal time - unless invited to do so before hand.
Now this is especially for ~Traver and Alicia~ I would feed them all a hot dog (those cheap red winners) on a stale bun and chips on paper plates and a paper cup of water nothing else. No seconds either! Then If they still don?t get the picture - message then ? they really are dense/stupid ? this goes for DH also. This stops you from spending all your time in the kitchen cooking on Wednesday in the middle of the week! I again know this sounds b*t*h-y; but, what else is there for you to do!
GL all!!!
BFP 1/18/11, EDD 10/1/11. Born at 37w5d on 9/15/11.
***BFP Chart***
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
My MIL drives me nuts too. We are in a totally different situation though. I'm living with my parents and LO while my H is deployed for 6 months. Sometimes the "help" I'm given is not what I need or want! My MIL lives 30 min away right now. She expects to see LO twice a week at least!! She only holds her and rocks her to sleep. Then tells me I shouldn't hold her all the time. Grr! I compained to my H so much about it he asked if I wanted him to call her from Afghanistan and tell her she was driving me crazy and to stop rocking LO to sleep. I think she's finally getting it. I refuse to drive to her when it's freezing cold and windy. So she's been coming to me, granted, telling me when she's coming. I finally told her last week that I had plans and that she could come over later in the day. I also have just been taking LO from her for diaper changes ( we use cloth and when she would give me her back she'd be wet through!), feedings and now for tummy time. I've told her that she doesn't need to sleep it's tummy time and just take LO and put her on the mat with toys. MIL took LO when she was making noise, stuck her paci in and said "Let's do what Grandma does best" and rocked her to sleep. Ugh! MIL is doing better, but she totally needs to be trained! I understand that we will be moving 2100 miles back to our home later this Spring, but just be happy that you can see her a few times a month rather than pissing me off to much that I don't even want her to visit.
If your H won't do it you need to set some boundaries or you'll start going crazy like me! I thought maybe it just drove me crazy being a FTM and wanting to do everything my way and not the way they did it 30 years ago.
This and start getting comfortable saying "No". You will HAVE to start setting boundaries with people now that you have a LO. Its just how it is.
Yeah DH and I had several conversations about his relatives not coming over even before our DS was born. How embarassed was I that my BIL, nephew and nephew's girlfriend came to our house WITHOUT even calling just a couple hours after we got out of the hospital? They had my dog with them or I would not have opened the door.
But whenever people have said they want to come over, we've put them off by saying we'd come visit them instead-perhaps not that day, but in a few days.
I'd rather go to someone's house where I feel like I'm more in control of the duration of the visit - since we can just get in the car and leave vs. throwing someone out of the house, which, no matter how you cut it, would be awkward.
Good idea about going to their house....I may have to try that!! Thanks!
My MIL is a nightmare as well. She made a huge scene at our wedding reception where she threw a temper tantrum because my husband had a beer. (He's a grown ass man...she needs to get over it)
Anyways, if he will not put his food down, you need to. Otherwise, she will take over your relationship and she will feel that she can be even more intrusive later (give her an inch, she will take 50 miles)
time to cut the cord!
Having that many people over shortly after giving birth must have been exhausting! It is completely reasonable to want time to yourself and for your family to bond. Intrusive family members can interfere with a marriage. With my inlaws it is well meaning, but still a pita. It is really important to set boundaries.
I honestly don't give my husband the choice to deal with his parents or not. We had issues after the wedding and I told him point blank he either dealt with his parents or it would have serious repercussions on our marriage. I'm not planning on divorce, but I will not allow his parents to run our marriage. If it came to it and our marriage was on the rocks with counseling and he still wouldn't control his parents - there would be a separation. Believe me, he took things a lot more seriously after I gave him that warning. Because it is true - people with toxic behavior can ruin a marriage. I care too much about my marriage to allow that to happen and that meant having to lay it all on the line for my husband to see.
So your inlaws will continue to do what they do until your husband tells them a serious "no". You don't have to be the bad guy - sure if something happens (like your MIL grabbing the baby) then you deal with it in the immediate situation. However, it sounds like your husband needs to have a serious conversation with his parents about boundaries.
That's my two cents, I hope it is somewhat helpful. I know we'll be laying down boundaries again when our baby is born - it's inevitable. Best wishes for you and your family.