Back again. This sucks.

ballerina06 · December 2011

**Ticker/Siggy Warning**

I had a m/c back at the end of August and posted here a little bit and got great support. I got pregnant again in October and things were looking great. We saw the heartbeat 3 times, numbers looked great. On Wednesday, 12/28, our lives were changed.

I was driving to get lunch and I rear ended a guy less than a mile from our house. My airbag deployed and I was disoriented. My husband arrived, I called the OB. OB said to just go to the ER as a precaution, but since I wasn't having any bleeding or evidence of trauma to my abdomen that everything was probably ok.

We arrived at the ER around 2:30 and were brought back. The ER doc came in and examined me and then pulled out his dinasaur u/s machine. He couldn't see much, so he had radiology come down and get me. They did an transabdominal u/s and they should have been able to see everything since I was just about 12 weeks. They had to do a transvaginal. The ER doc came in right after my husband had left to pick up our son and his words forever changed my life. He looked right at me and said "Well, I heard from radiology. Your baby has no heartbeat and is dead. It appears it died about a week or so ago." Yup, just like that. I called my husband (he was only in the parking lot) and went into shock. Lord knows what I screamed at that moron ER doc. The OB from my office that was on call called the ER and got on the phone with me. He is a wonderful OB, my 2nd fav at the office. A d&c was scheduled.

Yesterday morning, at 7:30am, my baby was removed from my body and went to heaven. We are so devistated and I can't even express to anyone how I feel. It's like a nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from. Physically I'm not in pain. Emotionally, I'm a disaster. I hope to find the peace and comfort once again from you wonderful women.

pinktrojanbride120107 · December 2011

I am so sorry for your loss -- it breaks my heart that you are dealing with this again.

I have found this board to be very comforting in dealing with our loss. I hope that you can find some peace here, or somewhere.

RedRose84 · December 2011

I'm so incredibly sorry for your losses and for getting in such a scary accident. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I was almost 12 weeks with my LO when I found out she had passed three weeks before. Sending you big, warm hugs!

PS - I went to school at University of Michigan for a bit, go blue!

panacea05 · December 2011

What a heartbreaking story. I am so very sorry. Since you've had the misfortune of being here before, you already know what a wonderful and supportive place this is. I hope it's able to bring you some comfort.

It makes me sad that the ER doctor was so nonchalant. Mine was, too, and I'll never forget it.

ballerina06 · December 2011

panacea05:
What a heartbreaking story. I am so very sorry. Since you've had the misfortune of being here before, you already know what a wonderful and supportive place this is. I hope it's able to bring you some comfort.

It makes me sad that the ER doctor was so nonchalant. Mine was, too, and I'll never forget it.

I wish I could call it nochalant. It was downright mean, rude, and horrid. The surgery nurse was appalled when I told her my story. I know it won't change anything, and it won't bring my baby back to me, but the hospital is getting a nice long letter from me regarding the doc.

Thank you all for your kind words. It's an awful place to be right now. One of my closest friends is due the same day I was. She doesn't understand when I told her I needed her to leave me alone right now. She just kept commenting on my fb status, etc. I sent her a message this morning, I wasn't mean or rude and she just deleted me as a friend. It stung. I know she probably did it to give me space, but it was such a slap in the face. I don't expect people to understand what I'm feeling right now, especially if they haven't had to live this awful nightmare, but her actions were just downright mean.

8daysaweek · December 2011

Ballerina I remember you from the July board. I'm so sorry to see you here. I hope you find some peace and comfort soon. Take care of yourself.

amazing22324 · December 2011

I am very sorry for your loss hun. I remember you from the July bmb. I found out on Tuesday at 12 weeks that our baby had left us at 9 weeks, no heartbeat and had stopped growing. My d&c was yesterday and like you, physically I feel ok, but emotionally I am a wreck. I hope you find comfort in this board once again and start to heal emotionally as days go on. Take care of yourself.

ballerina06 · December 2011

8Days and Amazing, I remember you both. I hate that the 3 of us are here. That we've been dealt such a shitty hand. I think I have every single emotion running through my head right now. On top of what I'm feeling emotionally about losing our baby, I am dealing with so many emotions with my son. It's like he knows something is wrong and he's just throwing so many temper tantrums and really testing me. I just cry right along with him. I don't know what to do for him and I just feel like such a bad mom right now.

LLS1215 · January 2012

I'm sorry about your loss but I will say your siggy pic is absolutely adorable.

NeverKnew · January 2012

ballerina06:
8Days and Amazing, I remember you both. I hate that the 3 of us are here. That we've been dealt such a shitty hand. I think I have every single emotion running through my head right now. On top of what I'm feeling emotionally about losing our baby, I am dealing with so many emotions with my son. It's like he knows something is wrong and he's just throwing so many temper tantrums and really testing me. I just cry right along with him. I don't know what to do for him and I just feel like such a bad mom right now.

Oh no. I'm so sorry that you're here. I, too, remember you from the July bmb.

With regard to you being a bad mother, quit that thinking. You are giving him everything you have to give, and that's nothing different from before this whole ordeal. As for his attitude, I hear you. Get DH in on the action as much as you can. You need breaks wherever you can possibly get them. You'll all make it through. Sometimes you just need to focus on one breath at a time. :::hugs:::

kwell23 · January 2012

ballerina06:
8Days and Amazing, I remember you both. I hate that the 3 of us are here. That we've been dealt such a shitty hand. I think I have every single emotion running through my head right now. On top of what I'm feeling emotionally about losing our baby, I am dealing with so many emotions with my son. It's like he knows something is wrong and he's just throwing so many temper tantrums and really testing me. I just cry right along with him. I don't know what to do for him and I just feel like such a bad mom right now.

So sorry for your losses!! I know how much it sucks!!! I feel like a bad mom lately too. I want to play with my son but I don't have the energy and I lose my temper at the drop of a hat. We will get through it. No mom is perfect.

eringobragh07 · January 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I was another July bmb until I had my loss 3 weeks ago.

I can't believe how shitty your ER doctor was. After my d/c I was given the ability to write reviews and I would highly suggest you report your frustrations with his bedside manner.

ballerina06 · January 2012

eringobragh07:

I am so sorry for your loss. I was another July bmb until I had my loss 3 weeks ago.

I can't believe how shitty your ER doctor was. After my d/c I was given the ability to write reviews and I would highly suggest you report your frustrations with his bedside manner.

The review I filled out was specific to surgery, so I will be contacting the hospital about the ER separately.

Thanks, I remember you from the July bmb. I'm so sorry for your loss

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