Blended Families

NBFR vent. In laws practically canonizing Grandmother (long)

I just had to get this out. I've been keeping my mouth shut and I have not told a soul this until now. The more I get to know DH's family, the more I dislike them.

His grandmother passed away last month.  She practically raised DH when his mother essentially abandoned him and his three brothers.  So there is that dynamic behind this story.

They all are a bunch of sh*ts.  DH's uncle and two of his brother's took advantage of her kindness and finagled money from her, as well as stole from her to pay for their drug habits.  DH had to raise holy hell with the family quite a few times over that and because Grandmother had called him up and told him that she was being neglected.  One time they called the cops on DH and the local sheriff visited us. He told us that someone in the family (4 states away) accused DH of threatening them.  It didn't go anywhere, they just talked to DH and recommended he let things cool down.  It was all total BS and DH did not speak to all of them for half a year. 

Hardly anyone visited her.  DH's mom only came to see her once a month to pay her bills.  We can't prove it, but we also believe that DH's mom was taking money to pay for HER drug habit.  We also just learned the DH's mother and uncle hardly came to see Grandmother when she was in the hospital.  And she didn't at all after they gave her 30 days to live. DH's mother, never had a final goodbye. Which I guess is her personal choice but what is being said and taking place after just makes me ill.

We wanted to move her in with us when we were living down there, and we even asked after we moved here if she wanted to move and live with us. We thought that maybe they didn't want the responsibility and all we wanted was for this woman to have some peace and live her last days in a peaceful home where we would completely care for her.  They fought us on it and kept telling us that would be a bad idea.  We think they intimidated her. She'd say she wanted to live with us, but she always had an excuse not to.  We now know why.  She was paying her sons truck payments and he was going to get her home - and had a home when he was out of jail as long as she was alive.  She was unwittingly paying for their drugs. And there was nothing we could do about it.

Now, they all talk about how Grandmother was such a saint and an "angel". Yes. She was a very sweet woman, but I think they are taking it too extremes. They all cry over her being gone, yet they did not take the opportunity to care for her properly or see her while she was on this earth. They don't even say what she did that was so wonderful.  Was it that she gave them money for their drugs?  Or she didn't call the cops on them when they stole from her?   His brother - one of the little thieving drug heads who is now in jail - drew a picture of her with wings and a halo.  He wrote a letter to DH about how devastated he was and about how gloriously wonderful she was and how she is a beautiful angel watching over us all.

I'm sure they really do miss her and some how loved her in their twisted messed up minds, but I just want to slap them and say, "Well did you THINK to tell her that or treat her like an angel you believe she is/was when she was alive???"  Everyone always wants to make a saint or an angel out of people when they die. And the ones who were the worst to her are the biggest perpetrators.   I don't get this.  You don't hear DH put her on a glorified pedestal. He talks about her fondly and misses her terribly but he will not go on like they do about how wonderful she was.  Mourn her, yes, but at least have enough decency to say, "She was a wonderful and she's an angel in my eyes, but boy do I regret what I did. She did not deserve that I am sorry for not treating her better or using my time with her better."

Hypocrites. All of them. It's as if they paint her out to be an angel, it takes something off of their wrong behavior.  I realize I have no control over this. People all mourn and deal with death differently.  It just makes me sick.

DH is considering cutting ties completely.  He's upset because his mom says she wants to be a grandmother to our daughter, and yet, she can't figure out how to get a Christmas present out to DD on time.  She keeps saying she's going to send something, and still no present. Just quit saying it.   She does nothing. She has no job. No repsonsiblity. She doesn't even cook for her husband.  We're pretty sure all she does is drugs with her brother and son.  This is not someone I want my daughter to know. I'm letting DH handle all of this because I think he's on the right track, and I'm also secretly hoping that he sees the similar behavior in his son and knows that he can't have SS around DD either. 

 

Re: NBFR vent. In laws practically canonizing Grandmother (long)

  • I know people like this. The first hint of tragedy they all flock and make a scene omg we loved so and so soooooooooo much big fat tears, take weeks off work to grieve (for random people/distant relatives/non-relatives) talk about how amazing they were (really??? Drug addicts and child molesters come to mind) how they just can't stand moving on. It's loads of fun. I particularly like the made up stories of tragic deaths when in reality there was a drug overdose. And to be totally honest sounds like we are talking about the same demographic of people. That's when I turn on my ignore button.
  • His mother is like this. A year after she hurt her arm, she still talks about how she got hurt and how horrible it was.

    This is the woman who had an aneurism the day her father died and almost died herself. The entire family says it was an aneurism but not one will admit she was doing drugs.  DH says he believes it was due to the drugs. And his aunt...she talks about it, but she dances around the drug subject. It's the big fat elephant in the room.

    I just want to yell. DRUGS!  It's drugs!  Admit it!! Please someone just say what it is. We all know. We're not all dumb. You're not keeping anything frome me. In fact. I suspected it with the first few times I met her.  And you think my daughter won't pick up on it too? 

    I am sorry I was to naive to think that this did not have to affect me and I could keep it all at arms length.  I can to a point, and it's exactly why we live here and far away from there, but somehow I am going to have to break it all to my daughter and tell her this is not the family that we take after.

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