Intro and question about "Mommy Guilt"
Hello,
I've been lurking for 3 1/2 weeks since I started with PTL. Please excuse this post if it rambles but I'm still dealing with the emotions of a horrible delivery and many health complications afterwards.
A brief description of my birth story, as it's very new and painful for me, I started with PTL pains on a Sunday, had a negative fFN test, went back to the hospital daily with timeable contractions, Friday morning we left the hospital and went back 2 hours later, and found that I was fully dilated and effaced with no choice but to do a VBAC to a Frank Breech baby (I was later told that I'm part of the 2% that have false negative fFN tests). My son was born at 34 weeks, 1 day, weighing 7 pounds, 1 ounce and had full lung capacity. He was whisked to the NICU right after his birth, where he spent the first week of his life.
After the birth, it was discovered that I had a retained placenta and needed a D&E immediately following his birth. On Saturday night, I spiked a fever over 104 and was confined to my bed and not allowed in the NICU that night. On Sunday, when I was dealing with emotions of leaving my newborn son, I was informed by the doctor that they had discovered that I had E Coli in my uterus and was very sick. Upon meeting with the Infectious Disease doctor, I was told that when they went in to get the retained placenta, they introduced E Coli into my uterus, which got into my blood and was eating the good white blood cells (I had 8 transfusions while in the hospital becuase of the infection) and making me septic (spelling??). On Monday, I was given an ultrasound and it was discovered that I had placenta remaining in my uterus. I went back into surgery for D&E #2, where it was discovered that 50% of my placenta remained in my uterus. After the D&E, while in recovery, I went into Congestive Heart Failure becuase of the abundance of fluids that I was being given via IV and ended up in ICU from Monday until Wednesday night. Wednesday night I was moved back to the Post Partum floor, scared to death that I was going to have heart issues again and that it was too late to bond with my son (who was, thankfully, bonding with my husband, who was spendinghours in the NICU while I was in ICU or in my room, on bedrest). On Friday, a week following my son's birth, both he and I were discharged home, he being perfectly healthy and me, with a PICC line for IV antibiotics that I would need to give myself daily.
Needless to say, through the whole ordeal, I was unable to pump or breastfeed (milk never came in) and was only able to visit the NICU 4 days. While I feel very bonded to my son now, I have such guilt over him being born early, me getting sick, not being able to breastfeed, or bond with him as much as I could have at that time (he was under the lights for 2 days while this was going on). I struggle with these guilt feelings daily. My question for you ladies, is there anything you read/did to deal with the Mommy Guilt? I want to look into seeing a therapist about my traumatic birth experience and subsequent health issues that I experienced but I'm unsure if there are therapists that deal with the trauma of bad deliveries and the guilt associated with the premature birth? Any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
In addition to dealing with this, I'm also trying to adjust to having a preemie, who, thank God, is very healthy, but is a new experience for me.
Re: Intro and question about "Mommy Guilt"
Oh my gosh. What a hard way to give birth do your baby. I'm so sorry you went through all of this, and I'm so glad you're okay now.
To answer your questions: I'd definitely recommend a therapist. I've been seeing one for PTSD following my son's birth, and it's been extremely helpful. Many of the ladies on this board have struggled with PPD / PPA / PTSD, so you certainly aren't alone there. Don't feel bad about the feelings you have. They're totally normal given everything you've gone through. Even now, 11 months later, I still struggle with my feelings. And I think about the NICU every single day.
My LC told me that every woman has to tell their L&D story 100 times to process it. NICU mommies get the chance to tell it many many more times than that. Finding a counselor will help with that so much.
Oh I am so sorry for your tramatic hospitalization.
I want to say that I fully believe in having a counselor to help with the guilt. You are a great mom and what happened isn't your fault. Plenty of moms bond very well with their babies who aren't breastfed. You did the best you could and it seems that your husband was physically in the NICU when you couldn't be. *hugs* to you. I also feel guilt feelings and have to see a couselor for help.