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June 2011 Moms
lovebugkim
member
Oh MIL... How you make my blood boil!!
lovebugkim
member
I hope you girls had a very Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah!! I can't believe it came and went so FAST!!
Anyways, after reading all the lovely MIL posts, I think mine takes the cake. To begin with, we HAD to go visit her the weekend before Christmas. She wanted to see the boys and take pictures. No big deal. UNTIL she called for the 10th time before we even left the house!! I asked my DH WTH she wanted and he said that she was just reminding him of this or that and that we needed to bring their bumbo chairs. Ohhhh k.... For what?? Well she wanted to take Christmas pictures and needed them he said. I asked him anything else?? Then I said pretty soon she will be telling us what to dress our kids in!! (DH has a problem saying NO to his mom as does the rest of his family.)
We get to the in-laws house and of course they are happy to see the twins and play with them. Then, MIL proceeds to parade me around her house to "show" me all the new decorations. 
She had bought their 1st Christmas stockings AND their 1st ornaments & had them hanging on her tree like they were her kids!! 
I was so pissed and felt like crap, because here she is showing me up & I hadn't even found time to go do this myself. There are certain things that should be reserved for 1st time parents & she totally took the joy away from me!! I find it very strange that my MIL has my babies 1st everything decorating her house!!
Then, she started talking about taking the pictures and my FIL was getting the camera ready. She then proceeded to pull out baby's 1st Christmas outfits and wanted us to change them into them. At this point I was fuming... As we walked to the room to change them, I kicked DH in the A$$ as a reminder like I told you so. I had already taken Christmas pics of my own & they turned out super cute & we had offered to print them for her, but she wanted her own. I'm just so sick of my DH and his "YES MOM" attitude!!
As the pictures were being taken of my kids, she kept saying that she can't wait to see how they turn out because she needs to go make her Christmas cards!! 
I gave DH a look and he didn't say a word. The whole time though she continued to talk about how she was going to go that night to order her Christmas cards because she was waiting to get pictures of the boys to do it. Once again, who's kids are they?!?! I was FUMING!! I could feel my heart beating and my face getting hot.
Fast forward to Christmas day... While we were spending time with his family & their celebration, one of his aunts tells my MIL that she found the cutest gift for her. MIL opens it and I kid you not, it's ANOTHER 1st Christmas ornament for her tree!! WTF?!? What about me, HELLO, I'm the 1st time MOM!!
I find this all very strange as my own mother doesn't have her grandkids 1st ornaments hanging on her tree like they are her kids. It really bothered me that she had to print Christmas cards with my kids on them to send to her family & friends. We had already sent out our cards to the family!! To put icing on the cake, she called DH yesterday and now wants our Christmas pictures that I took and offered her, but weren't good enough. She told him she would pay to have them printed. I told him sorry but she's not getting them. I'm sick of her always having her way with my kids and not asking me!!
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Re: Oh MIL... How you make my blood boil!!
WOW i would NOT be ok with any of this. the second the baby's first outfits came out i would have flipped. my mom and MIL both had baby's first ornaments made for LO for their trees, but they are clearly grandchild ornaments so i was ok with it, and both have stocking for him. they checked with me first.
i would have told her in no way was she to use pictures of my children as her christmas cards w/o even ASKING! not ok!
DH's gma did get J a baby's 1st sleeper and bitched the whole day that he wasn't wearing it. uh, it was DAYTIME and i had an adorable outfit I PICKED OUT. and i told her that. lol!
but family members are afraid to piss me off b.c they know i don't hold my toungue.
Hmm...sounds like she's just an overjoyed grandma. I think MILs sometimes don't get that as FTMs we do want to be the ones to do the firsts with our LOs e.g first ornaments, etc. I don't think they intentionally want to overshadow you or overstep any reservations you had. Maybe it stung, because like you said, you didn't have the time to that those things for your LO and you felt guilty? Totally not flaming you.
I'm sorry you are feeling that way.
Wait, which one of MH's siblings did you marry? Kidding!
That sounds like the same ole crap I deal with. DH, FIL, and all his siblings can't say no to her. When we got our house my MIL was hell bent that she was going to buy us a bedding set... Lady, back the F off. I don't like your style and we already have THREE of our own between the two of us. No, just NO. I had to be the one to put my foot down and say no, because DH wouldn't tell her we didn't need it....
We also had to put K in a ridiculous outfit because the ILs bought it for her and guilt tripped DH when they noted that I wrinkled my nose up at it... I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it.... I don't like camouflage, and I don't care to dress my child in something ugly, so the expression just slipped out before I could mask it!
ILs really can be a PITA... I feel like I'm in a constant tennis match with my MIL... I swear I alternate on being irritated by her and happy with her on a daily basis.
I have to agree w turtle, I think I prob would have rolled my eyes at all the stuff, but its not like she bought all the Babys 1st xmas stuff and insist you put it up in your house, kwim? i think she sounds like a proud grandma who wants to celebrate her grand babies' first christmas at her house.
The only thing that would annoy me would be the xmas cards, unless the cards had something referring to 1st grandparents xmas or something, i wouldn't be ok w that....
All of this. She just sounds excited to me. Both my mom and my MIL got Baby's 1st Christmas ornaments. I wanted them to be involved and excited that it was C's first Christmas. My mom also bought a stocking for C (she also has one for each of our dogs) and I'm sure MIL had one made for C.
The picture thing is a little weird. If she were in the picture with them and wanted to send it out I wouldn't think a thing of it, but even if it was just the boys I don't find it that weird. Grandparents love their grandkids and want to show them off.
Put me in the "I don't get it group". She sent out Christmas cards with your sons' pictures on it? My mom does a card with all of her grandkids each year. Never batted an eye about it. She is so excited to have grandkids and i think that is great. I am sorry if you feel that she is infringing on your 'firsts' or getting too into being a grandmother.
I did a Breakfast with Santa this year and didn't invite my mom or my mother in-law because I really wanted to have a few moments of her 'firsts' to myself.. and if that is what you are getting at, then I am sorry she is making you feel like you don't get to be the 'mom'. Does that make sense?
Well she DID originally buy all the stuff for me, but being a 1st time mom, I wanted the chance and choice to pick out my own!! She took it back without a problem and said she would just return the items. Only to parade me around her house a few weeks later to show me that they weren't returned!!
As for the Christmas cards, we didn't even get one... That pisses me off more because she used my kids without asking and then didn't even have the courtesy to send one to us!!
I would not be ok with any of that. Sorry, it's not her place to have baby's first anything. We bought both sets of grandparents and ornament that has a handprint on one side and a picture on the other. That's appropriate.
The day before Christmas Eve MIL wanted to know what I was dressing DD in for Christmas eve, and I told her I had a christmas onesie for her to wear, and she goes "oh, I should have bought her a Christmas dress." I bought her one and she'll wear it on Christmas.... I guess she didn't bother to look at the Christmas cards that we sent out OR the Christmas pictures we gave her, where DD is clearly wearing a Christmas dress....
My mom's no better, after she saw the pictures she goes "Oh I was going to give you money to get pictures done because I want an 8 x 10," Then looks at them and says "Oh I was going to buy her a Christmas dress" Hmmm, when was all this going to happen?
In a way yes, I felt guilty because I work FT and hadn't found the chance to get out and look for ones I liked. But that doesn't justify her getting anything 1st for my children!! They are mine, not hers. She had her time, this is mine!! I'm totally fine with her having stockings at her house, but we didn't even celebrate there nor did she have stocking stuffers for them. As for the ornaments, there is a such thing called 1st GRANDMOTHER ornaments, but that sure as hell wasn't hanging on her tree!!
i get it. it's not about what they do, it's how. Like i said, my MIL and mom both got things for their own houses and asked if i had something before they bought for me.
for me the thing that would have set me off would be the cards and outfits. to just assume that you can send pictures of my kid to people i might not know is not ok with me. just ask. you want to buy a christmas outfit? tell me and we can go out together. don't just hand me one when we show up. i've been dressing myself for 27 years i'm pretty sure i can handle my child.
My mom and MIL know that they are the grandparents, they don't buy "baby's 1st" anything for me with out checking b.c they know i want to experience that for myself.
that being said, everyone picks their battles and has things that set them off. if it's something that bothers you, you should say so! i'll bet your MIL doesn't even think that she's doing anything that would upset you.
OMG I think our MIL's are twins!! When we got our house, she bought all kinds of stuff. Bedding, bathroom decor, even a damn painting and the suggestion of which wall to hang it on!! I gladly sent her packing and told her thanks, but no thanks!!
Some days it's ok, but most days she just gets so far under my skin I can't take it!!
Yeah, I wouldn't have liked that either. I'm glad nobody bought first stuff for us... My MIL and mother both have very different styles. My mom said she was leaving that to me, because she didn't have a clue what kind of 1st ornament I'd want. I was grateful that she let me decide!
How in the world do you not even get a Christmas card with your own kids on it!?
I kinda agree with this. It sounds like she is a proud grandma and wants to be included in your kids lives. It sucks that she didn't talk to you about her intentions beforehand, but I don't think it was malicious.
Sorry your feelings were hurt
No, you don't come across as being snarky. I just feel like 1st baby stuff should be reserved only for the actual parents. At least that's how my family has always done it. I think it's rather strange for Grandparents to have any baby's 1st Christmas ornanments up unless they were their own children.
Exactly what I'm talking about!! I even made both sets of Grandparents an ornament with their picture in them so that they had that, but the whole 1st Christmas thing just ticks me off!!
I totally get your rage and agree with above. I have a similiar situation with my MIL and know exactly how you feel. I think you have to be in that situation to understand it so you'll definitely get different answers here.
I'm also in the no big deal camp. I guess I see no reason why there can't be multiple Baby's First Christmas ornaments. After all it IS their first Christmas. And they aren't Baby's First Christmas Ornament ornaments.
Sorry you are upset though
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You stated that there was a history of your husband saying "yes mom" and I know that would annoy the crap out of me too. So I totally feel you on that one. And I can see how her buying the ornaments, stockings and outfits (given the history) would be annoying. So sorry you're feeling this way.
I have to admit though, when I read your post I didn't really think anything your MIL did was bad, but then again it's taken out of context and I don't know the history. But I think the fact that she has ornaments or stockings of her own that say "first Christmas" isn't a big deal at all. My MIL has stockings and ornaments in her house and I have ones in my house. What she puts or does not put in her house is none of my business. in regards to the picture, I can see why it would be annoying but I think she didn't really mean any harm with it. Just my unbiased opinion.
I think she sounds like an overjoyed grandma.
My MIL did almost all of that. She couldn't even decide on just one 1st Christmas ornament so she bought 2. She also bought her a Christmas outfit. It didn't really bother me, it's her first grandchild (plus she only had boys and so it's the first girl for her) and she gets excited.
The ornaments she has (and the stocking) will stay at her house for when we spend Christmas with them. I have my own set for our house that I picked out. I had Caroline wear the outfit I picked on Christmas Eve and the outfit my MIL picked on Christmas day. No skin off my nose. They don't do Christmas cards but if they did I'm sure it would have Caroline's picture on it (my MIL uses my LOs picture as her profile pic on FB even). I just am thankful she has a grandma who loves her so much.
*shrug*
I totally get you-- I would be annoyed too.
I had an inkling of similar activities early on, so I was chatting with my MIL and said "oh-- it's so crazy, some of the girls in my group have their MILs buying "baby's 1st" things and outfits for events- can you believe it?"
she said "oh my-- that's crazy" and slowly slid a bag behind her chair....
Not on my watch, MIL.
I am fully aware that I have boys & may one day have a couple DIL's but I won't be the type to constantly be in their business. Once they are married, they will have their own little family to take care of. I will be sure to give them thir space and not baby a 30 year old. MIL comes from a totally different background & heritage than I & it's just hard to deal with. I want her to get that time with my kids & enjoy them. I just wish she would step back, take a breather, & calm the hell down. I always treat her with respect & bite my tongue, but I don't feel the respect back. It's always about her & what she wants to do. I don't think any of it was done maliciously, but there are certain boundaries that have been crossed too many times & it's never ending!!
I don't think the ornaments are a big deal. I received several "Baby's First" things as gifts...4 ornaments, a bib, a onesie, etc. I think they are perfectly acceptable gifts and I don't feel like I was missing out by not picking out my own items. I actually ordered an ornament online, but I love the ones I received as gifts also. Since she originally bought them as gifts for you, I wouldn't be mad that she kept them.
I do find it odd that she dressed them up and took pictures of them for her Christmas cards without saying anything in advance. And not giving you a card when your kids are on it is douchey. Sorry she's pissing you off!
Meh, I think you are overreacting. I don't see how what she does "infringes" on your rights as a FTM? That's a bit silly...you can still get all those things and do all those things too, what she does doesn't have any bearing on what you do as their mom. She's just an excited, overbearing grandmother, and you're just being an excited, oversensitive mother...neither of you are wrong, but there are seriously worse things to be upset with someone about. Be glad that your boys have grandparents that care enough to be overbearing. Maybe I just have a different perspective, as a mother who has just seen her second child's first Christmas pass by totally unacknowledged by inlaws...not to mention the fifth Christmas of my first child....that's right...five Christmas's....not a peep from the grandparents year after year. So, there's definitely two extremes, both annoying, but I'd rather my kids have too much love, kwim?
Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is, sure it's annoying, but nothing she does really has any affect on your standing as their mom, so I'd just roll with it, honestly. It's sort of sweet, really, that she loves them that much. Maybe I'm just projecting, I'd rather have an annoyingly excited MIL than none at all. So I guess I should just say I can't relate, but thought it might be helpful for you to hear from another perspective. My own mom could probably be classified as overbearing, actually, but DH takes like a champ ;-) He always says it's no problem that his mom is such a deadbeat, b/c my mom is mother enough for the both of us, lol.
Thanks for all the advice & opinions!! Although some think I'm totally crazy and that I should be happy, I'm glad others totally get me & my stance on the situation. I really wish things were different with her, but after 12 years I've come to realize it will never change. Maybe we butt heads because we have the same personality or just the fact that she's always trying to prove herself & it annoys me. Either way, I know that she loves my kids & I would never do anything to take that relationship away from them. Hence the reason why I'm always biting my tongue. I just get so frustrated at times to where I wish his crazy sister would get married or KU so that my MIL can take her focus off of us!!
Either way, thanks again for your advice and for letting me vent.
I don't think it sounds that bad, but I wasn't there. However, it sounds like you have a DH problem, not really a MIL problem. If DH would stand up for things that upset you, she would have to stop.
GL
Ahhhh!!! So True!! I just read this to DH & he kinda got annoyed and said I've done it before and she still does it. Which is true, but he's not at all consistent!! He'll stick to it for a while and she will back off, but then just inch her way back in. Then she gives him the guilt trip and he feels bad so he gives in again.
I have gotten so much in sight from everyones point of view!! At 1st I was fuming, but now I have calmed down a bit even though I still think it's strange, but I'm also sticking to my guns in that it would be fine to have ornaments & stockings, just not 1st stuff.
Ahhhh!!! So True!! I just read this to DH & he kinda got annoyed and said I've done it before and she still does it. Which is true, but he's not at all consistent!! He'll stick to it for a while and she will back off, but then just inch her way back in. Then she gives him the guilt trip and he feels bad so he gives in again.
I have gotten so much in sight from everyones point of view!! At 1st I was fuming, but now I have calmed down a bit even though I still think it's strange, but I'm also sticking to my guns in that it would be fine to have ornaments & stockings, just not 1st stuff.
Ahhhh!!! So True!! I just read this to DH & he kinda got annoyed and said I've done it before and she still does it. Which is true, but he's not at all consistent!! He'll stick to it for a while and she will back off, but then just inch her way back in. Then she gives him the guilt trip and he feels bad so he gives in again.
I have gotten so much in sight from everyones point of view!! At 1st I was fuming, but now I have calmed down a bit even though I still think it's strange, but I'm also sticking to my guns in that it would be fine to have ornaments & stockings, just not 1st stuff.