DH would die...

kxp004 · December 2011

DH would die, I left him alone with the baby all day... I mean seriously, on the days that he is home he can hardly take care of DS for a couple of hours by himself... and in all this time he still doesn't know our schedule, doesn't give the baby a bath by himself, doesn't feed the baby in the highchair, doesn't know how many ounces to give him etc... yeah he plays with DS, but it's like when he gets his days off (4 one week and 3 the next---12 hour shift schedule), he expects to have those days off as if there isn't stuff that needs to be done around the house at all...

I don't bother him on the nights he works, or during the days when he sleeps, but he acts like it's such a big deal when I ask him to take care of the baby sometiems during the off days.... It just burns me inside, that my job is 24/7 and he can't even be bothered with DS for a couple of hours without b*tching "I've been taking care of J all day; I want to go take a nap"---when in reality it has been like maybe 2-3 hours... I really appreciate him working so that I can stay with DS, but seriously, I really want him to stop complaining about when I ask him to help out with DS so I can get some freetime or even some housework done---it's not like the cleaning fairies are going to drop out of the sky and do it... I just want him to want to be invovled, not be involved because I asked him to be---and to not complain when he has to get up in the mornings so that I can recharge.... Jeez, the last time I got a whole night's worth of sleep was the one night in 6 months that J STTN... he gets a full 9 hours of sleep every night that he works... Ugh! I'm just so tired of needing a break and not having someone I can rely on to give me my break before I burn out

kxp004 · December 2011

Crash Into Me:

You sound pretty resentful. I think it's time that you two sit down and have an adult conversation about expectations. You prep the food, he feeds the baby. Ask him to do things-load the dishwasher, start the laundry, etc.

Explain to him in very basic sentences that you need a break, whether it's a full day or a few consecutive hours, but that you need a bit of time for yourself.

Yep, I feel pretty resentful... I try to have a conversation with him, and he says I don't give him credit for going to work and having to work at night is really taxing vs working during the day... I do ask him to help and that's when the complaining starts, I'm tired, I need a nap, I work all week, I've taken care of him all day etc... I'm just tired of all the excuses and wish he would suck it up and grow some so that I can leave and come back from an eye doctor appointment and not have him complaining that he's had to take care of the baby while I was gone...

Brady77 · December 2011

Agree with PP you need to sit down and talk before this goes much further. It will take its toll on your marriage. When I went back to work there was a week before DD started daycare and H took that week off. Before that he was scared to give her a bottle b/c she would cry etc. He never really dressed her and had never sucessfully gotten her to nap. He was a bit afraid to do things but after the first day, he became daddy the expert and was wanting to do more things. Now he calls himself the baby wisperer since sometimes only he can get her to nap.

My point is, maybe H feels like he can't do it as well as you can and so he doesn't try. Once my H had the confidence he wanted to do more. Good luck!

Snow1010 · December 2011

I just gave my DH a big hug because I'm so lucky to have him. We both work and DD goes to a nanny. When she comes home with both take care of her.On the weekends I have lots of errands and DH has no problem staying home with DD.

Maybe because I was as clueless as him, we learned how to do things together. So it's not that I only know how to bath or feed LO and I have to give DH instructions...he knows how to do everything I do.

I know I would be resentful if my DH was not helpful. I'd say have a talk with him. And maybe if he felt comfortable doing things he wouldn't be so resistant about taking care of your LO.

kristoprimo · December 2011

I think you should have discussed responsibilities and expectations of each other before you had a baby. But i guess you need to have that discussion now and find out a balance that works for both of you.

Rob & Tori · December 2011

I think your H needs a swift kick in the a$$! I am lucky in that my hubby helps out quite a bit. If I need to go somewhere he has no problem watching DD. You shouldn't have to constantly tell your H what you need. He should be involved and help out when he sees something needs done. I think I would make up a chart. On it assign each other chores throughout the day. One the time that he works you would put that on there for him. Make him agree to it and stick to it. Also put some alone time on there for you so that he know when to expect you have to watch LO. That way he can prepare himself.

Liz4444 · December 2011

Here's the thing, he doesn't need to help out, he needs to step up and be a father! Being a dad is not just getting a woman pregnant and playing with LO when you feel like it. DH doesn't help me out, he does his job as DDs dad. He watches her when I go out (and I don't ask him if it's ok that I leave), he feeds her, bathes her, and changes her when he is home. We both made the decision to be parents, he needs to do his part, not just help me out occasionally. And yes, I SAH and he goes to work, that doesn't change a thing.

You need to let your H know that he needs to pull his weight as a parent.

JaysonandKristin · December 2011

Crash Into Me:
kristoprimo:
I think you should have discussed responsibilities and expectations of each other before you had a baby. But i guess you need to have that discussion now and find out a balance that works for both of you.
LMAO. Hindsight is 20/20 and you never know how things are going to be until you're in the thick of it.
Sit him down and TELL him you need help. Basically, work with him to create a list of expectations.
If you have to, wake up tomorrow morning, leave out what you need to for the baby, and head out to run your errands alone. Sink or swim time.

No sh!t... sink or swim.

MAKE him figure it out. It's not like the kid comes with a manual... you had to figure it out for yourself, too. If he's a mature adult with responsibilities, he can use his critical thinking skills and keep his child alive for the few hours you need for yourself.

It's not like he needs to have your schedule down either. He can parent however he feels like it. As long as all essential needs are met, there's no right or wrong way to do this.

Tell him to sack up. He's a parent, not a single working man. We get it, you bring home the income so I can stay home. I thank you and appreciate you everyday when I clean your house, your underwear and make your dinner. GTF over yourself. Ugh, men like this piss me right off!!

Gilliebear · December 2011

Oh I have the same problem and I let it go on WAY too long. Not gonna lie, I lost it one night-I didnt have the adult conversation, I didnt sit him down and told him how I felt, I went BSC.

I would not recommend this approach so like the PP said, one night when your LO is down and its just you and him have this talk before it gets worse.

ASmallWonder · December 2011

Remind him that if you were to work outside the home and your LO went to daycare, that person would be paid because caring for a child all day is WORK. If someone came and cooked/cleaned for you, you'd have to pay them. That means that what you do during the day is work, it's just different from what he does. That means when he gets home, you need to split whatever duties remain. End of story.

katie4253 · December 2011

If talking alone isn't working, I'd really suggest couples counseling. It can really do a lot of good.

katie4253 · December 2011

Crash Into Me:
kristoprimo:
I think you should have discussed responsibilities and expectations of each other before you had a baby. But i guess you need to have that discussion now and find out a balance that works for both of you.
LMAO. Hindsight is 20/20 and you never know how things are going to be until you're in the thick of it.
Sit him down and TELL him you need help. Basically, work with him to create a list of expectations.
If you have to, wake up tomorrow morning, leave out what you need to for the baby, and head out to run your errands alone. Sink or swim time.

Yes, this too! Your LO is old enough now that your H isn't going to do anything that is going to do too much damage. Schedule a massage, get a pedicure, hell...check into a hotel and take a damn nap. You deserve a break.

Stellasmom · December 2011

Snow1010:

I just gave my DH a big hug because I'm so lucky to have him. We both work and DD goes to a nanny. When she comes home with both take care of her.On the weekends I have lots of errands and DH has no problem staying home with DD.

Maybe because I was as clueless as him, we learned how to do things together. So it's not that I only know how to bath or feed LO and I have to give DH instructions...he knows how to do everything I do.

I know I would be resentful if my DH was not helpful. I'd say have a talk with him. And maybe if he felt comfortable doing things he wouldn't be so resistant about taking care of your LO.

Well this was really helpful to the OP....

ksproul · December 2011

Stellasmom:
Snow1010:

I just gave my DH a big hug because I'm so lucky to have him. We both work and DD goes to a nanny. When she comes home with both take care of her.On the weekends I have lots of errands and DH has no problem staying home with DD.

Maybe because I was as clueless as him, we learned how to do things together. So it's not that I only know how to bath or feed LO and I have to give DH instructions...he knows how to do everything I do.

I know I would be resentful if my DH was not helpful. I'd say have a talk with him. And maybe if he felt comfortable doing things he wouldn't be so resistant about taking care of your LO.

Well this was really helpful to the OP....

Haha! I was just thinking the same thing!

To OP: Everyone has problems. Yes it is best to sit down and talk about things, but, depending on how your DH or you have grown up sometimes communicating is hard. I suggest the book "How to Improve your Marriage Without Talking About it". I havent read it yet but just ordered it bc my sister recommended it. All of this being said, studies have shown that the first year especially of having a child is very hard and puts a strain on marriage. Stick it out and do the best you can. Things will improve, then get worst, then improve again-this is how marriages and life in general works!

kxp004 · December 2011

Thanks ladies! I know we will make it work

I even got an extra couple hours of sleep this morning because DH took LO one he woke up... hopefully we can keep working on it and make it better

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