Frustrated....and venting
I am at a crossroads here. Maybe if I get another perpective it will help me figure things out. For months we haven't had a situation presented to us. Now, we have two. With one situation, the baby is due next week. However, we are having problems getting medical records and the birth mother listed that she had "multiple chromosomes" on her intake form. Apparently, she is a functioning adult and does not have any visible symptoms but she has no idea what it is called or what chromosomes are affected. She has placed two boys before and the first one was healthy but the 2nd one also has multiple chromosomes. I just don't understand how you can have this issue and not know what it is or what it does!!! (I am just frustrated at this.) She also listed that she was taking hydrozine for liver problems and we just found out today that she has cholestasis and is taking a prescribed medication for it. I guess it is something like hydrozine. I haven't had a chance to google it.
Situation #2 sounds a lot better but the baby is due mid March and the agency isn't great about communication. Maybe they are much better when you are matched with them but so far, lots of unreturned phone calls and unanswered emails. Plus, the cost in the estimate is about $1300 more than what we thought it would be. We have already had a match fall through and I am so scared that this will happen again with situation #2. We are one failed adoption from being childless indeinitely. we just can't afford to take a hit like that again.
Any help would be GREATLY appreciated.
Please Help.
Re: Frustrated....and venting
Here is a website that may help....
https://www.marchofdimes.com/baby/birthdefects_chromosomal.html
Do you know if they'll get Medical info before baby is born?
Is there an upfront cost to this Agency/facilitator? Or have you already paid that
I wouldn't worry about $1300 dollars. In reality that's s small amount to make a decision about. And when the baby is in your arms you won't care:)
I don't have expertise in this. But I have adopted twice and have a few friends with XY problems with their children. Please feel free to email me at sjbearce@ yahoo dot com.
For situation 1, there are plenty of people who have (or whose kids have) chromosomal anomalies that they're not clear on. It can be very complicated. If she's functional it's probably not the end of the world, but yeah, I'd be pushing for more specific information.
For situation 2, has the agency always been that way? What specific communication are you looking for?
Hope it gets sorted out quickly.
I can't speak to the chromosome issue without more details, but I suspect the birth mom is on hydroxyzine. It's an antihistamine that is used frequently in people with itching from cholestasis. It is Category C, but it seems like the concern is mainly in the 1st trimester. For most women, cholestasis of pregnancy happens later than that. I found a PubMed abstract about a prospective, controlled study of women who had been exposed to hydroxyzine and cetirizine (zyrtec) during pregnancy (and close to half were in the 1st trimester, even). There was no increase in birth defects, still birth, or premature delivery. I personally wouldn't worry too much about hydroxyzine, if indeed that's the med she's been prescribed.
Hope this was helpful. Sounds like a tough choice, with lots of unknowns either way. I hope you are able to reach a decision that you can have peace about!
Twice we had two situations match w/us within hours. It seems like crazy luck but I also know how you feel. Making the decision is super hard.
What I learned is that my intuition is usually spot on. Listen to how you feel and don't feel rushed by either situation. If one resonates with you, listen to that feeling.
No real advice regarding the chromosonal issues. Can you talk to her doctor? Also, have you discussed what you would do if a "healthy situation" turned into something other than how it was presented? Would you be open to parenting special needs? You would be open to saying "No" at birth? (No need to answer here....)
These are really hard decisions. We had not discussed what we'd do if a situation changed on us and it did. A birth mom claimed not to use any drugs and baby was born exposed and was going through withdrawl. It was SO difficult to make the decision in that moment. I suggest all adoptive parents talk about the what-ifs ahead of time.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Initially, I thought it was awful that all of this was happening during the holidays because people are on leave and questions are are lingering without anyone to ask. However, it seems that this time has given me a chance to really think about what we should do. Situation #1 seems more like a "sure thing" since she has placed twice before and the baby is due next week so there isn't a lot of waiting. However, the medical issue really concerns me. We could throw the dice and just see what happens but it really wouldn't be fair to us or this child if there is a serious problem. Plus, I am starting to wonder what else we might not be aware of with this situation. SO, unless we get the medical records, I think we will just cross our fingers and pray situation #2 does not fall through and the communication is better.
Thank you for the support and the idea to listen to my intuition.