nbr: relationship question (long) — The Bump
Babies: 9 - 12 Months

nbr: relationship question (long)

Has anyone ever taken "a break" and had things work out afterwards?

I really thought we were doing good. A couple nights ago, h came home and started being a jerk, getting pissy because I hadn't yet talked to my therapist about meds. I appeased him by saying I would next time. This morning I was in a great mood, feeling like I'd get loads of stuff done. Until I talked to H. He's so negative and critical, I just can't take it anymore. He made a few comments (which of course, he sees nothing wrong with) and in a matter of minutes, we were both yelling, swearing and I was crying. He tells me that I'm never nice to him, but how can I want to be nice when all he does is tell me that I'm not doing anything, that I'm always wrong, he's sorry he's done stuff for me.

just can't do this anymore, but I'll admit it. I'm scared to leave. I love him and I want this to work. I just feel that if I leave, he'll never give it another chance. Even his own therapist described him as volatility. How am supposed to work with that. He's so hung up on not being in debt that he doesn't want to borrow money from his parents for another car that we really need. (his parents serving position that they can and generously offered). He's so full of his stupid pride that it's killing us. He refuses to ask for help, refuses to accept that we could really use it right now.

I'm sitting in our pos truck in the bank parking lot crying and feeling like throwing up while I wait for K to wake to drop off our mortgage payment that is due tomorrow. Sorry for being so scattered, I'm just really at a loss right now. I can't talk to my family. The last time my mom was aware that we were having an argument (if you remember my disasters of an anniversary in October), she told me that in a marriage, you need to suck things up. Obviously, she's not exactly supportive. If you made it through all that, have a cookie. Hell, have a dozen.

Re: nbr: relationship question (long)

  • I'm probably not one to giving marriage advice but, if your interested.... 

    H and I took a break the year before we got engaged. We were in a similar spot that we (and it sounds like you) are in now. We were both just fed up and so resentful neither one of us could have taken it for another day. I moved in with my parents and he stayed in the house. We both did our thing and realized at about the same time that grass was not that much greener. When we got back together we went to therapy and were grossly in love and got in engaged shortly after that. We did not have a child at the time and I'm not sure how it would work now, especially since my parents wouldn't be supportive of it now. Although I would LOVE the space. I hope that helps.  

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  • Was there a major incident that led up to this? I think I remember a post about it...? I'm asking bc I might feel differently if he's in fact a giant douche.
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  • I am so sorry you are going through this. He sounds a little like my husband. It is so much harder with a child isn't it. There are so many times we got in a fight that I just wanted to walk out and get some air but I can't because A is there. I don't know about a break....

    sorry I was not helpful at all.

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  • We took a break a few times during the five years we dated (for various reasons).  Since we decided to commit to each other and get married, we have been mostly good.  I don't really have any advice to offer you but I'm sorry you are going through this.  It sounds like you're getting counseling which is great.  Could you try counseling together as well?  Maybe a set number of sessions to help you decide if you truly should stay together.
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  • I wish I had advice for you.  It's tough. But you have to do what is going to ultimately make you happy.  Do the good times out weight the bad times?  Or vice versa?  Plus is this new or has it always been like this?  If it's new, it might be fixable. If it's been like this since day one it might never change.  It's up to you to decide if you want your daughter to grow up watching you go through this.  Hugs. 

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  • I think that it could be healthy for your relationship to take a break, but call it a 'vacation from each other.'  If it's possible, visit your family for a few days so that you can both breathe and think about each other.  If that doesn't help, talking about a longer one might be possible.  My Stepmother used to 'disappear' on my dad when she felt disrespected  by him.  Worked like a charm on the relationship because it forced him to really examine how he treated her.
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  • I think if both of you are ok with it, a break might be just what you guys need. I haven't been in the situation myself, but it sounds a lot like what my best friend went through. She had been with her H since high school and they had their first son at 19. When they were 25ish, they were in a pressure cooker with money, kids, and life. They took a break. They agreed on how long it would be, they still had one date night a week, and they went to therapy. It worked for them.

    If it's what you need I would talk to him about it. You need to do what's best for your family.

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  • Your H said he wanted you to call your therapist for meds...would taking the medicine help?
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  • imagenbeseau:
    Your H said he wanted you to call your therapist for meds...would taking the medicine help?

    This, and I also think if you move out, and are serious about making it work, it needs to be on both terms, and you both need to be going to counceling, together and alone along with having a date night or some time to sit and reconnect.  Having a kid is hard work and it puts a strain on the best of mariages.

  • I would have thought those pics you gave H would have made him so happy and giddy for months. It's tough to tell if a break would be good or bad. Who would leave and where would they go? How often would he see K? Maybe try a few hours away first and take it from there. Sounds like you both need to clear your head. Good luck!
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                               photo photosig3_zps92919c91.jpg Just said good bye Sept. 19th (MMC at 12 weeks)
  •  Sorry you are dealing with all this.

    My folks took a break for a couple of years and are happier than ever now.

    They were legally separated and my mom moved across the country. They worked hard at it, worked at their communication and now they deal with each other totally different.

    Good luck.

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  • PM in 5 mins...it's going to take me that long to write it all out.
  • We have never taken a break but we did break up for a month when we were dating. Neither of us dated anyone else during that month and we ended up getting back together and having a better communication style because of it.  We also are aware of the fact that we fight a lot more when money is tight. I hate to say money makes people happy, but it was really the weak point in our relationship when we went through some struggles.  It sounds like money is an issue in your relationship too and your DH is resentful of you staying at home?? Is that right? Have you thought about having another child to watch in your home during the day for some extra cash?

    I hope you guys figure out what is best for your family.

    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 

  • I would only take a break if you are also seeking counseling jointly and individually. Money problems are the number one stressor on marriages, I know, we have them ourselves. I am also on meds and I know it's annoying to hear but he may have a point in that yours may need tweaking. I found it was those closest to me who were able to first recognize when I went on mine and they started working. I imagine if they stopped being effective those same people would notice first too. Sorry you are dealing with this. Try to focus on your beautiful baby, and let your H know you want to work on things. I think a marriage counselor would really help. And if you can't afford one, look into sliding scale fees or even pro bono work done by doctoral students. Good luck and creepy Internet hugs to you!
  • Maybe a break would be healthy. If it were me and hubby taking a break, I'd feel the need to discuss boundaries about what the break intails. Basically make sure we're on the same page about what this break means, what we're going to hope to get from it, how we will communicate about our daughter, counseling, etc.

    Me and hubby took a break before, but that would be a different situation than yours. We were 16 and 17 (we first got together at 15 and 16). I broke up with him because I was like "This isn't going to work, we're too young." I think my young heart couldn't handle identify and handle that type of love yet. We stayed friends and talked during the break. We got back together at 17 and 18 and have been together ever since.

    Now, I know you might be thinking "Who cares, that situation is very different from mine." But I just want to say that the break was successful and healthy for us to grow as people. I needed a break so I could focus on myself, my experiences and grow a little more as a person. And sometimes people may need that as adults too. I think if we didn't take that break, it may have been different now. Breaks can be healthy as long as you are civil and know what to expect from the break.

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