s/o of "positive note for the future" Moms of boys
LindseyJW
member
and especially those who have in-laws who think we unmedicated birthers are crazy.
how do you think you will handle it if your son's future wife decides she wants an elective scheduled cesarean and has no interest in breastfeeding (not that she can't for any reason, just doesn't even want to try).
of course this is her body, her baby, her right.
but how will you feel? what will you do/say (if anything)?
my son is 5 and appreciates alternative methods of health care (i've taught him Reiki, which he practices regularly, he was present for his sister's birth and old enough to remember, he fully understands that you don't NEED an OB unless something is wrong or mom/baby is not healthy and needs medical attention, he nursed until he was almost 3 and sees his sister nurse now). but i can't shake the worry that he may one day fall in love with a woman who has opposing views and that it will not be my decision (or my place) to comment.
this keeps me up at night :S
Re: s/o of "positive note for the future" Moms of boys
I'm a Christian so I'll pray about it. I'll also respect her/my sons wishes because me getting in a tizzy will not change her mind. I pray that she'll do research, but if c-section(if past 39 weeks), induction, epi, and formula are the worst thing she does as a mother(not my choice) then I'll count my blessings.
I guess I should start praying for my DSD and DS's partners to be of the natural mind.
As PP said, if those are the worst things she's doing, it's not bad.
I nursed my kids until just over 2yrs. I wanted to and so it worked great. If a woman doesn't want to nurse or even try nursing, it's better that she doesn't. It's not better for the baby if the mother nurses but resents it the whole time.
Natural birth as well. I think we should encourage women to research and then choose what's right for them. I had one completely natural birth and I had an epidural as well. I don't feel one choice was any better than the other. Women should feel be empowered to know what is right for their bodies and their lives.
Natural birth can be amazing but it's not for everyone. As a woman and mother of boys, I hope when the time comes they are able to make a birth plan with their wives that work for them and that the woman is comfortable enough to know what she wants.
Not everyone needs an OB but some of us WANT one and it's not wrong. Epidural is just as good a choice as no meds if that's what the woman is comfortable with.
Planned C-sections are another issue but those are becomming less common here because doctors aren't supposed to be preforming them anymore. (and they were not that common to begin with) But really, should she choose that, I would just keep my mouth shut.
EDITED
I just came across the blog post below and it seemed very on point to yours. I thought it was very well-said.
One of the commenters afterward is a bradley instructor mom who had daughters-in-law who made different choices.
https://mamabirth.blogspot.com/2011/10/letting-your-best-friend-have-bad-birth.html
thanks for the perspective and the link! i do respect other's choices - even when i don't agree. and for the sake of my relationship with my son, his wife and my grands, i will respect their choices and keep my mouth shut. i just imagine it will be hard to do if the decisions that are made are so very different from what i believe (even with an acknowledgement that was was right and best for me and my children might not be for someone else).
as a hypnobirthing instructor, i think i do a good job of keeping my personal opinion and birth goals out of my teaching and respecting the choices of my student families. but when it comes to my own family, i think the hardest part would be if she were the type of woman who spent zero time understanding her birthing rights and options and just didn't get that there are risks involved with interventions (or didn't care). you know, the women that we often discuss here that we feel sorry for - what if that was your DIL?
off to read the link!
I will do everything I can to help her birth be a good experience and to support her in the postpartum period. Just like I would do if she wanted a medfree birth and wanted to breast feed. One of my oldest friends just made those choices. She was a big support to me when I was dealing with PPD from my c-section and when I was planning my VBAC. The fact that she made different choices did not affect me nor was it a reflection on me. I trusted that she was making the right choices for herself and tried not to project my personal views about birth onto her. I sent her my c-section birth plan and tried to be a good friend to her, like she was to me.
I guess my biggest concern about birth is not what kind the woman has but whether she has a voice and is treated with respect. So I would want to help my daughter or daughter in law to advocate for herself and have a good birth, however that birth happened. I would try to support her in the early months as she developed confidence in herself as a mother. I don't want anyone to feel like I did after my first birth or during that first year (I had a family member who did nothing but make me feel like the worst mother ever in those early months).
One of the things I love about my mother and my MIL is that they respect that I'm an adult and DH is an adult and we're pretty capable of making decisions about having and raising our kid(s). I hope I can be the same - excited but not preachy/pushy/overbearing.
I realize I'm a lucky lady to have a MIL that I get along with great and am happy to leave my baby with. I want to be that MIL for some other woman someday.
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I never once discussed my birthing opinions or decisions with my MIL. Nor did I ask her about her experiences. We don't have that kind of relationship and I wasn't interested in her opinion.
Once baby was here she had all sorts of opinions that she's had no problem expressing. It hasn't helped our relationship.
So I like to think that I will learn for the future and keep my mouth shut, and let any DILs work their own thing out, as I worked my own thing out.
ETA My MIL is very into reiki, which is fine, I'm generally open to alternative therapies, but she is very intrusive with it which has made me really closed minded towards it as a therapy.
So I guess pushiness can make people shut down to ideas/therapies/approaches even if they might ordinarily be open to exploring them. So again I PLAN on not being a pushy/know it all MIL, but it does seem to be the pattern that MILs can be very pushy with their opinions.
Which makes me wonder if the DIL/MIL conflict is more of a social expectation or if MILs just repeat the awful experiences they had.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
My DILs will probably know how I gave birth b/c I'm an oversharer; however, if they choose differently, I'll be there for my grandbabies anyway. I'm not one who will beg to be in the delivery room or try to tell them how to give birth, but I will support their choices and if they have a no-so-great birth experience I won't rub my experiences in their faces.
That being said, you know I'll be talking about how I know better to my 60 yr old girlfriends who also mostly had natural births "back in the day!"
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
Quite frankly, what business of it is mine? None whatsoever. If that is what she believes is the best, who am I to say otherwise?
People think that I am going against the grain by seeing a midwife and have plans on going natural. So what is the difference the other way around?
I pray that I will be a good mil some day. That includes supporting my childrens' decisions even if I don't agree with them. I am an over sharer too, so I'm sure I will give them as much knowledge as possible through my experiences. But hopefully I will know when to shut my mouth and just play a silent supporting role
Birth and BFing are such personal decisions, mils don't really belong in the equasion. As long as both parents are on the same page.
I posted the "positive note for the future."
lucky me to be having 2 girls right? Well, what if my daughters did decide to go with meds or elective CS?
Her body, her baby, her right. I would of course ask her to at least check out natural birth, and provide some info. But I wouldnt be pushy, overbearing or forceful about it. Thats not in my nature anyway.
In your shoes, with a son you are raising to be well educated in these types of issues, I wouldnt worry actually. What your son and his wife choose to do is their choice. Your son will likely discuss those options with his wife at that point if he grows up the way you are directing him. I am sure in a healthy relationship, she will take into account his opinions and feelings when deciding what birth method to use.
This. You wouldn't critique or judge anyone's choice of cancer regimen, would you?
Just as half of the posts on this board bemoan the lack of support for NB (being crazy, martyr, whatever), being judgmental, henpecking, sabotaging, the "I told you so" if things go awry or "gently informing her of the facts" is just as galling and non-supportive the other way around.
It's something I've talked about with friends. I hope to be a midwife way before then so I think he *should* have a different view of birth than the average boy/teen/man. We use a lot of alternative medicines at home but do have a respect for doctors and other medical professionals.
I hope that he would bring those things to the table when discussing birth options. That he'd know that most of the time birth is an uncomplicated process that doesn't need medical intervention, but he'd respect the need for an OB if complications would arrive. I'd also like to think that if she were dead set on having an elective anything, he would be able to look past everything I started above support her.
We are trying to raise him that everyone's body is their own and we should respect their decisions whether we like them or not.
Pretty much this.
A while ago, while poking around MIL's house, we found a copy of DH's birth story. Actually, two stories, one written by his mom and the other by his dad. His mom had a natural birth, and found it to be an amazing and empowering experience, and his dad was proud to be by her side.
This was after DD's birth, maybe after DS's as well, but once I read it, it made perfect sense as to why DH had never, ever questioned my desire for a natural birth. There was no "getting him onboard." The VERY first time I mentioned it, he was like, "Yeah, that's what I've always wanted for my kids' births, too."
I've got the next ~16 years to try and instill that kind of perspective into DS. What he does with it after that is up to him.
Mommy to DD1 (June 2007), DS (January 2010), DD2 (July 2012), and The Next One (EDD 3/31/2015)
love it!