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C-sections
rosesandpeonies
member
XP: DH intimacy issues after sections...advice (long)?
rosesandpeonies
member
in C-sections
I typically don't get this personal on here but....kind of need some advice.
so here goes...
Here is a back story...
My husband and I had trouble trying to conceive my first daughter. After all the tests, dr.'s etc. I guess my husband felt overwhelmed and intimacy was kind of gone once I got pregnant. Then he was too worried about being intimate during pregnancy. I didn't pressure him but it was kind of a issue....we didn't have sex at all during the pregnancy.
I figured once I wasn't pregnant anymore then he would be okay. Well of course in the beginning we were exhausted and noone is really in the mood...but then months and months go by...and still nothing. Finally he wanted to have sex and wouldn't you know...one time and I was pregnant again. Who would have thought.
So again we went back to pregnancy and him not wanting to be intimate during pregnancy...only one time.
Then I had my second daughter and months go by and here we are at 10 months;...nothing.
I have tried to talk to him about it quite a few times. I try and be understanding, etc. and I don't put pressure, etc. but this is really a problem!!
I have talked to some professionals about it on my own, but basically they need to talk to him and work with him to figure out what the problem may be. I don't really think that it is anything really medical. I think something mental is going on....
Of course I went to the whole thought of cheating...but he works at home and I have access to everything on his computer. He goes fishing but comes home like he had been fishing all day (sunburn, etc.) I even have passwords, etc. I have never seen anything that could remotely suggest this idea.
Soooo finally I talked to a friend about it and she suggested a few things...and I finally sat him down tonight and he explained...which I guess it is better than nothing:
Basically the infertility issues turned him off at first and then pregnancy did...and then I guess seeing me have a csection with all the blood, etc. really threw him for a loop...and the second time around he saw even more then the first time. So he said that it really bothered him and he doesn't quite know why but it turned him off totally.
Obviously there could definitely be other stuff going on but at least this is something.
Anyone have any thoughts on this? There was never any issues before our infertility problems.
Anyone going through this too?
I know this may be comical to some, but it is really a major marital issue now. Just looking for some ideas and thoughts. Thanks.
DD (8/12/09), DD (2/8/11)
BFP 12/16/14| EDD 8/19/15 |MMC 1/15/15 (9 weeks 1 day)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: XP: DH intimacy issues after sections...advice (long)?
I agree with you there. Actually never do we go out. That is because we have no family even remotely near us and we have tried to find nannies, etc. with no luck. It is definitely I am sure contributing to it. We do try and spend time together after the girls go to bed though.
MH and I have intimacy issues a lot but it is because of me and not him. I sometimes associate sex with pain because of my medical history and I literally just have to force myself to do it even if I do not want to physically and mentally. The beginning isn't very pleasant but eventually once things get going it gets better. And, with the continuous push of myself, I get back into habit of being intimate. It is very easy to fall back into the pattern of no sex though.
A lot of times with sex the more you have it the more you want it. The less you have it the less you want it so he may just need to push himself to do it.
I personally think there has to be a different reason why it is the way it is now beyond what he saw because eventually, at some point, those memories will become distant.
I do, however, think that he should talk to a counselor and figure out why he is feeling this way or even a medical doctor. Are there any other factors such as depression, hypertension or diabetes? All those can affect libido.
I've heard of men feeling this way after a pregnancy, c/s or not. They start seeing their SOs as mothers not sexual objects. Kinda what we said we wanted our whole lives but really we didn't! I wondered about it with DH, specifically from the c/s with the scar and belly issues, but he has NO problems in that area.
Maybe you two need a baby free, romantic, adults only weekend. I know easier said than done but it could trigger something in him like hey she's a mama but still a sexy mama
I definitely wouldn't jump to the cheating idea. We all grow older, change, just get in a lull sometimes and it doesn't mean we stray.
It's not comical. You've gone a long time without sexual intimacy and I think it's time he work on it with you however you decide to go about it.
Hey, you!
Our sex life was crap during the pregnancy and crap for a long time after Colin was born. I still wouldn't say it's great, but it's gotten better. The most important thing for us has been to ease into it. If C is napping or in bed and we're alone, DH usually initiates it. He'll take my hand and say, "let's go hang out in the bedroom.." I'm never in the mood to begin with but once we cuddle and kiss for a few minutes, we both start getting into it.
If it helps, maybe get a sitter so you can have a special date, just the two of you, and make an effort to take it slow when you get home, without any distractions. No TV, no Internet.. just the two of you. When it's been this long, you almost have to rediscover each other sexually. Once it happens again, I bet you'll both feel so much better. Good luck sweetie.
ETA: I see you don't have a sitter nearby. That can definitely complicate things. If you can't find one, maybe just make a "date" for when the kiddos are in bed one night. Plan for it. The anticipation will help you both get in the mood. Does for me, anyway. If I already know it's going to happen, I can sort of gear up for it.