How to deal with strangers?

inlovewithB · December 2011

We walked to a neighborhood restaurant with outdoor seating for the first time with DD yesterday (it was 74 degrees here last night). A few people we don't know asked how old she was and then commented on how great I look. They were assuming I gave birth. The first time I said "Oh, I didn't birth her we adopted". The second and third time I just said "Thanks"

I don't feel the need to tell every stranger she is adopted, but at the same time I feel like a liar when I just let them think I gave birth 10 days ago. What do you do?

Dr.Loretta · December 2011

I just smile and say thanks. It's her story to tell, when she's ready to tell it. I am likely never going to see these people again, and they can make all the assumptions they want.

And I know it may be dumb, but I just don't want to open myself up to stupid comments. Case in point: I was looking for vitamins at my local health food store, with DD in tow (she was a few months old). The woman helping me said, "Oh, you'll want this one. It's good for postpartum moms." I told her no, we adopted her, so that wasn't really necessary. "Oh, that's great. How old was she when you adopted her? Oh, 2 days old? She's practically yours."

Indifferent

inlovewithB · December 2011

Dr.Loretta:
I just smile and say thanks. It's her story to tell, when she's ready to tell it. I am likely never going to see these people again, and they can make all the assumptions they want.
And I know it may be dumb, but I just don't want to open myself up to stupid comments. Case in point: I was looking for vitamins at my local health food store, with DD in tow (she was a few months old). The woman helping me said, "Oh, you'll want this one. It's good for postpartum moms." I told her no, we adopted her, so that wasn't really necessary. "Oh, that's great. How old was she when you adopted her? Oh, 2 days old? She's practically yours."

Thanks! I needed to feel justified in just saying "Thanks". I hate you had to hear that idiotic line.

mommytoconnor · December 2011

I know how you feel. I adopted my son at 4 months old thru foster care and people are always saying that he's practically mine. My response "he IS mine". I too also sometimes felt as if I had to explain to people that I adopted him when they would make some comment and then I just smiled and said thank you. I now feel like they can assume all they want. It's none of their business whether or not he is adopted and YES I am proud that he is adopted.

Patches08 · December 2011

mommytoconnor:
I know how you feel. I adopted my son at 4 months old thru foster care and people are always saying that he's practically mine. My response "he IS mine". I too also sometimes felt as if I had to explain to people that I adopted him when they would make some comment and then I just smiled and said thank you. I now feel like they can assume all they want. It's none of their business whether or not he is adopted and YES I am proud that he is adopted.

I certainly wouldn't feel it's anyone business, but that's just me. I think it's fine to smile and thank them and move on. When the right opportunity to talk about my DD comes up I take advantage of it, but not everyone needs to know my story. :-)

DJB2010 · December 2011

I usually say, "thank you" but sometimes I proudly tell them we adopted. It just depends if I may see them again or I'm feeling spunky:)

Congrats by the way!!! What a perfect Christmas gift!!!

meganroselee · December 2011

oI say thank you and move on. At first I felt bad but my mom told me to remember two things. 1) t I do look great (i work out and try to eat right) and 2) my family's story is just that... It takes too much time to explain what a stranger prob doesn't care about anyway.. >[/

sw_in_kc · December 2011

Dr.Loretta:

I just smile and say thanks. It's her story to tell, when she's ready to tell it. I am likely never going to see these people again, and they can make all the assumptions they want.

This is exactly how I feel now.

When she was a newborn though, I felt the "need" to tell people too. I didn't feel like I was ignoring the fact that she was adopted, but I didn't need to tell everyone we came across either. Now, I have to remind friends that she was adopted because they will make comments relating to her being biologically mine.

The "need" to tell will pass.

SweetieBelle04 · December 2011

This is a temporary problem. I wish people would still tell me how great I look! Ha! I would just enjoy it for now. Say, "thank you," and smile sweetly. The only time I felt a need to explain myself was when another new mom said something about how I looked. I would have felt really guilty about making another new mom feel bad about her body.

Sally J · December 2011

I used to say, 'thanks, you do as well!' which would catch them off guard. Sometimes that gets more questions going, so usually it's with new people that we will be interacting with on a more regular basis. If it's a stranger in passing I respond in ways to limit the questions.

My husband is a pro at dealing with questions now:

Stranger: They look really close in age, are they twins?

Husband: No.

Stranger: How far apart are they?

Husband: 4 months

Stranger: [puzzled look] Really? Only 4 months? Is that even possible?

Husband: Yes.

Stranger: But, how?

Husband: One was adopted.

Stranger: Which one is yours then?

Husband: Both are.

Then he walks away if it's a truly a stranger he won't see again. Most people just stop asking when he gives one word answers.

redhead1214 · December 2011

Sally J:
I used to say, 'thanks, you do as well!' which would catch them off guard. Sometimes that gets more questions going, so usually it's with new people that we will be interacting with on a more regular basis. If it's a stranger in passing I respond in ways to limit the questions.
My husband is a pro at dealing with questions now:
Stranger: They look really close in age, are they twins?
Husband: No.
Stranger: How far apart are they?
Husband: 4 months
Stranger: [puzzled look] Really? Only 4 months? Is that even possible?
Husband: Yes.
Stranger: But, how?
Husband: One was adopted.
Stranger: Which one is yours then?
Husband: Both are.
Then he walks away if it's a truly a stranger he won't see again. Most people just stop asking when he gives one word answers.

Sally-

I got this today, my DD and DS are 4 months and 21 days apart. I always have to explain and it is difficult

redhead1214 · December 2011

Or my favorite, "Wow, you must have been busy!"

My son is very small for his age, as well as slightly developmentally delayed, so a lot of people think they are about 10-12 months apart.

Art Teacher · December 2011

I think someone said how great I looked once when we were out shopping. I think I did tell the person (a cashier) that we had adopted dd. I was really happy to share.

Now I'm a bit more conservative with who I tell, I guess. I do like to talk about adoption, though, especially if someone else brings it up.

Had a short but nice conversation with a woman working at the local pottery place. DD had painted a heart shaped box for her birthmom for Christmas, and I told the woman there I was excited for dd to give it to her. She (the employee) said that she had been adopted but it wasn't an open adoption. Our conversation got cut short, so I'm hoping next time I'm there we can talk a little more.

Annie234567 · December 2011

Dr.Loretta:
"Oh, that's great. How old was she when you adopted her? Oh, 2 days old? She's practically yours."

That is so eff'ed up. A friend of mine and her husband had been fostering a toddler for over half his tiny life when they were finally allowed to adopt him. My friend posted her good news to facebook, most people congratulated her like normal human beings, and then one person asked, "But when are you going to have one of your own?" It blows my mind.

alisonemma · December 2011

It really depends on the person. Sometimes I will tell the person that Anna is adopted, and sometimes I just smile and say thanks. She's getting old enough now that it would be reasonable for someone to get to my size, so the questions don't happen anymore.

People say she looks just like my husband and nothing like me. I laugh.

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