Question for those who have had a m/c or cp.

larissa424 · December 2011

I just got back from a lunch with almost all my family (something that happens about twice a year) and it was really hard to keep my mouth shut. At one point my SIL said "I keep waiting for the phone call that you're pregnant." Ugggg... Between my three siblings and me we have 10 children and have always told each other right away. But I've had friends have miscarriages and still births in the last few years and I'm really concerned this time around. SO, my question is; If you told early and then had a miscarriage did you regret telling? or maybe regret who you told?

Kasi80 · December 2011

I told everyone. Announced on FB and everything then had a miscarriage a day or two later. I regret having said anything. This time I have kept it to only very close family and very very close friends who where there for me during my loss. I am very cautious this time around about who I tell.

larissa424 · December 2011

Kasi80:
I told everyone. Announced on FB and everything then had a miscarriage a day or two later. I regret having said anything. This time I have kept it to only very close family and very very close friends who where there for me during my loss. I am very cautious this time around about who I tell.

That is really awful and I'm so sorry. Do you regret telling or just regret telling everyone? I definitely wasn't thinking of going public until 10 or 12 weeks but I'm not sure I can keep it from my family that long and it would be really special to announce it while everyone is together.

missesru · December 2011

I'm lurking since I have major baby fever & thinking about #2. :-)

I had a missed m/c with my first pregnancy. We waited until around 11 weeks and then told our parents and the rest of the family was told. We found out we lost the baby about a week later. I regret having told anyone. Many people say they would "want the support of the family" if anything were to happen. Yes, having our family know to 'support' us was good, but what I wasn't prepared for was the amount of guilt I felt for letting people down. No one made me feel like that per se, but I did deal with that feeling. Then I felt like people were avoiding me because they didn't know what to say or do. It was awful. So I waited until after 12 weeks and seeing a h/b with pregnancy #2 (which turned out to be DD). We'll wait for our next pregnancy too.

byrne15 · December 2011

I didn't tell anyone the 1st time until after it happened.

I'm glad I didn't have to hear happy reactions then call the next day with sad news.

Kasi80 · December 2011

I regret having told everyone. I should have kept it to only close family and friends that time if I felt I needed to tell someone. I don't regret telling my family or close friends.

Andreabks · December 2011

i tell close family and friends. I know its a tought issue, but i preffer to have someone else know whats going on, as the family i tell are typically very supportive of me through my other losses.

JustSadie · December 2011

I told my family at like 7 weeks, then immediately spilled on facebook. I absolutely don't regret telling my family, but I do regret putting it on facebook. It was so awkward to run into people who had seen the announcement but missed the news about the miscarriage. They would say congratulations and I had to say, "Thanks, but I lost the baby." It just put both of us in an awkward position.

But I absolutely needed my family when I miscarried. My sister brought me get well balloons and snacks, my mom brought over food and sat with me, my MIL and grandmother-in-law sent the sweetest cards.

With DD, we told family right away, but didn't put it on facebook until we heard the heartbeat for the first time. That's absolutely what I'd recommend.

apollonia10 · December 2011

I told only the people whose support I could count on in the worst case scenario, which happened one day after I told my parents. I would have told them about it anyway, so I didn't regret it. I would have absolutely regretted telling FB or any "outer circle" people.

lovemygs · December 2011

We did IVF, so our families and very close friends knew what was going on. I was thankful for the kindness and support, and I think DH and I would've been really lonely keeping that tragedy to ourselves.

Mrslisvenn · December 2011

i had to be put on a pump as i was extremely sick and people that knew me when i was pregnant with dd immediately knew i was expecting when they saw the pump forcing us to announce my pregnancy at approximately 8 weeks.. unfortunately i lost the baby (there was no heartbeat) at 12 weeks.. i was devasted that i had to share the news with others that i lost the baby..

now that i am expecting and am 11 weeks along.. we shared with our immediate family and to be honest with you, im not sure if that was a good idea but with xmas, we thought it was a good gift.. my family was supportive, yes, but they did say some wrong things that just made me feel worse when i had the miscarriage..

my friends do not even know at all and if everything goes well and believe me, i am crossing my fingers, and will know next week, i do not plan to announce publicly but share with a few friends and allow them to spread the word themselves to others.. i believe people will understand especially after what happened when i had the miscarriage..

good luck with your decision and whatever you feel would be the best one does not necessarily mean it will be until you experience it yourself.. and not everybody has a miscarriage and id hope you dont experience one at all ever..

daynakako · December 2011

I was happy I decided to tell people. The support was amazing.

Zoey1309 · December 2011

All our close family and friends knew (didn?t post on FB). I don?t regret it at all. I was actually on a trip with friends when my m/c happened. I?m so glad that they knew and were able to help me through it. This time our parents know and close friends we see often. I didn?t want to worry my grandparents, so I?ll tell them later in the pregnancy.

KimnBen · December 2011

When I got my 1st BFP, I pretty much told all of my girlfriends. I do regret telling all of them I was pregnant because I had to tell all of them about the miscarriage. I couldn't even call them, because I was so upset, I had to send an email. So...this time around I have only told one very close girlfriend, my Mom and my brother. Our lips are sealed until the 2nd tri for everyone else.

holly321 · December 2011

I only told a few people about my CP, but I had a feeling something wasn't right from the beginning, so I didn't really tell more than my parents, sil and bff. They were all supportive and I didn't regret telling them, but I am glad no one else knew. But I am not keeping this pregnancy a secret. I am still telling people, even though I have been spotting for nearly 2 weeks. My mom had 2 late miscarriages (16 and 18 weeks) so I know that late losses can happen, and I guess I have the thought of, when is long enough to tell.

flyer23 · December 2011

I did regret who we told.

We told my parents. When I miscarried, my mom immediately said she was jumping on the next flight to come be with me. Which sounds nice, but DH and I were grieving privately, and having her there interrupted that. Also, she wasn't really coming to be supportive, she was coming to be sad and to grieve with me. Or maybe just to grieve. I didn't WANT to grieve with her. I had my own way of grieving.

We also told some friends. Most of our friends work with us, so word did get out on the company grapevine. Months later, I had my old boss (who lives in a different state!) asking me if I was pregnant, which was horribly awkward. I still don't know if my boss at the time found out through the grapevine, too. He never asked me about it, but I wouldn't be surprised.

If my mom had actually been supportive rather than just sad, if we had close friends who didn't work at our company... I would have felt comfortable sharing immediately when we got pregnant again. But she wasn't, and we didn't.

With DS, I had an early ultrasound (6 weeks) and we told family after that. We didn't tell most of our close friends until after we told our bosses (11 weeks), due to the whole friends-at-work issue.

This time around, I really wanted DD to be the first to know, but I also didn't want to put her through the pain of a miscarriage, because she's old enough to understand now. No early ultrasound, so we waited until we heard the heartbeat on the doppler at 10 weeks to tell her, then other family, bosses, and close friends.

Jerayskin · December 2011

With my first pregnancy I told everyone, not bc I was excited but bc I thought I had no choice. (I was really young and my boyfriend at the time made me tell everyone) needless to say that relationship ended up in the dumps and miscarriage followed soon after. He told everyone in his home town that I had an abortion and to this day they all hate me.

I had another miscarriage last year, actually have close to the same due date. DH and I decided not to tell anyone in case something went wrong. I had a bad feeling about it from the get go. Sure enough I had a blighted ovum and the baby never developed. It was really hard to deal with and we didn't want to tell our families that I was waiting to miscarry if you know what I mean. I almost had to have a D&C, but ended up miscarrying on my own. It was really hard to hide it from everyone, especially since they all lived near us. I didn't want to listen to anyone telling me, "It was for the best" or telling me that "now's not the right time anyway, dd is still a baby herself".

DH's mother is extremely against us having another child right now and she has made that clear throughout the past year. If she had any idea of what she missed out on bc of her lack of support I know she would be devastated.

With all of that said, we will wait until we see a heartbeat to tell my mom and until I am showing to tell MIL. She certainly won't be the first to know.

MintShakes · December 2011

I have had 3 losses and have done it both ways. The first loss I hadn't told anyone but my DH and my BFF. I was on bed rest for 2 weeks and progesterone to try and save the pregnancy so I ended up having to tell everyone anyway. The next 2 losses I told right away. I found it made it easier, especially since the last was ectopic and I needed surgery even after the methotrexate. I really did appreciate the support I got. Not everyone was supportive, but that's their loss. People say insensitive things either way, I felt guilty either way, but I did appreciate the support I got. I can't imagine going through it alone. But it's a very personal decision as you can tell from the mixed answers here on this board. My suggestion is do whatever you think you'll be comfortable with.

pinkcallalily · December 2011

With my first pregnancy we told our parents right away because they knew we were doing IVF so we couldn't really hide it. Our second pregnancy we didn't tell anyone and did a cute announcement at our son's birthday party (family only) since we were over 12 weeks at the time. We found out a week later she wouldn't survive and I was glad they were all there for us over the next several weeks of waiting for our daughters heart to stop since we didn't choose to terminate.

This time, we told our parents immediately because we knew we would want the support again if we needed it. Even though we haven't had any major complications at this point, it has been nice having them to lean on when necessary. Our siblings also know (we told them after we saw the heartbeat the first time), but we won't be telling anyone else until after our 16 week ultrasound. What I will never do again is a cute announcement because I feel like that really made everything harder last time (one of my son's birthday gifts was a big brother shirt).

ETA: I agree with the other poster that mentioned the amount of guilt she felt after her miscarriage. I still feel guilty for getting everyone excited and then taking away that excitement. This is why I can never do a fun announcement again. If I have any future pregnancies I will always tell our family early, but will just let them know I am pregnanct, but it is still early and anything can happen.

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