So yea... If I'm not suffering from PPD, I'm just a horrible person. I kind of believe both to be true.
I also believe I suffered from pregnancy related depression that came over from the depression I had following my miscarriage in 2010. So let's just say I'm over all depressed. Although I more consider myself pissed off. Bitter. Annoyed. Anxious. Hateful. Helpless and the list goes on.
This all came to a head today when my loving (although she drives me crazy) Mother, told me she didn't feel welcome in my house. This broke my heart. I love my mom and respect everything she has ever done for me. She is a good mom.
It's me that is the problem.
Let me provide some back ground: I am a control freak. The worst kind. I ruin relationships. Wait - I don't even establish relationships because they don't for some reason or another fit into the framework of my reality. Doors have to be closed or opened as I deem fit, nothing can be placed on my countertop, jackets have to be placed on the chair closes to the wall so not to block the energy in the room.
I am crazy, but I am also a very loving person, or at least I used to be...
I'm also very anxious something very bad is going to happen. I've been a very fortunate person most of my life, very blessed and I am fearful it will all come at once. So I freak out and try to control everything.
Since LO came into our lives I was not sure I could do motherhood for fear of her leaving us. That fear translated into trying to control her as a living being. Keeping her alive is what I do and it's wearing me out. I'm also keeping my tidy - Martha Strewart household and feel like no one else helps. I don't have any bad or resentful feelings towards LO, just everyone else.
I HATE everyone else, especially DH... and the sad thing is, he knows it. Poor guy can't do anything right. He can't ask me where the washcloths are without my giving him a (go to hell you bastard, you should know where everything is, but you don't because you're worthless) look.
Meds summary: haven't been to the doctor, I've been on Lexapro about 7 years ago, then xanax before I was PG and now I'm on ambien. I started ambien when I miscarried due to not sleeping and anxiety, I'm afraid the ambien has contributed to my PPD. I do take more than I should as these little pills are the only thing that make me feel normal.
Will try to make the appt to see my doc this week as whatever is going on now, clearly isn't working.