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Late Term and Child Loss
magdalina.h
member
Wording Vent
magdalina.h
member
Someone posted on c-sections (not trying to start a board war) but she said "yes, it feels like I'm mourning a loss" because she had a c/s. I get the disappointment. I can't ever try a vaginal delivery because of my early c/s with Aidan. I feel like less of a women because of that. HOWEVER that feeling is not even close to mourning a loss. Again, not trying to start sh!t but I needed to vent.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Wording Vent
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
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I completely understand how some of that wording feels like a knife to the heart.
But, I also can see how it really could feel like a loss to her. There are so many different types of losses. She didn't lose a child, but she did lose an experience that many women long for. It isn't like she came to THIS board to 'mourn her loss'.
When I get overwhelmed by feelings of "my problem is worse than yours" (not saying that is how you are feeling here) I try to remember a weight-loss challenge I was in a few years ago.
I was 5'9", 170 pounds and trying to lose baby weight down to 140. One of my competitors (an awesome girl that I adore) was 6 inches shorter and 100 pounds heavier than me. I know that she got upset when I would vent about the weight I needed to lose. It drove me crazy. Just because she had *more* weight to lose than I did, didn't mean that I didn't have anything to lose. Does that make sense? I wasn't happy and healthy at my weight - just because she weighed more, was I suddenly supposed to pretend that my extra flab was no big deal to me?
Just because someone else's problems aren't as 'bad' (in our judgment) as ours, doesn't make the other person's problem/struggle any less real to them.
I am thankful for the poster that the only thing she has to mourn is a vaginal birth.
I have run into similar scenarios a lot lately on FB. A friend will post something about being so frustrated with a newborn that doesn't STTN. Of course my initial thought is to rant at her. But then I try to put myself in her shoes. If I was EXHAUSTED, having a nursing baby up every hour would suck pretty bad. I have deleted my fair share of my own comments on FB over the past 2 months. (Sometimes my own jealousy takes over before I hit send)
(I really hope this is going to come across the way I mean it to. I am horrible at wording things with the level of gentleness that I intend)
That all said, vent away!
A Little Bird and a Monkey Butt
I agree. Losing her right to a vaginal delivery might be difficult for her, but there is no comparison.
My cousin's wife had a hysterectomy (which come to find out later was not necessary as she was misdiagnosed). She lost her ability to ever be able to give birth, and I can imagine she mourned a pretty good loss. It might not be the same as losing your child, but I think it is much more similar than losing your right to a vaginal birth.
I get really annoyed when I see posts like these. Having to plan your child's funeral and trying to make it through each day is mourning a loss. If that's the worst thing that happened, and a living baby was born, then I'd say you got it pretty good.
I too can never have a vaginal birth. Although honestly after over 24 hrs of labor and an emergency C section with Kam uhm, I am ok with not doing the labor thing....
I was and am dissapointed that this limited the ammount of children and the age difference of the children I am to have.
I do think she could have chosen better words to convey her feelings, and I do not think that OP in anyway meant that our loss was greater than any other loss, or that we had more of a right to yearn for something. I think Mags meant that it is hard to see someone grieve so much over something when in reality they have everything.
However, she is in a sense mourning a loss. Mourning is just a word that means to be sad and to act out sadness, the loss was the birth even she desperately wanted. So to her, who hasn't lost something more than that, she is mourning. She is in the act of being sad.
All that being said, when someone's friend of a friend passes away and they are hysterical b/c they haven't seen them in two years, I can't help but think, you have no earthly idea what pain is. Or when everyone else starts crying and being irrational about Kamryn, like on her bday or angel day. I can't help but think, you really have no sense of what this pain is like.
You knew her you loved her, she wasn't yours and nothing you can say or feel will ever match how I feel. But as much as it sucks, they are mourning too, just maybe not something as devestating as we are.
But totes agree, could have and should have used a better choice of words.
I agree Mags. I know it is probably hard on her because she feels like she can't have a vaginal birth, but honestly, I know a lot of women who have had VBACs. Maybe she can try for that? There is no way we can get our babies back. THAT is a loss. She definetly should have worded it differently.
We also have to keep in mind that I am a person who still gets annoyed when I see people say things like "I am so over this pregnancy" while they're still in first tri. I want to say "Oh, you're over it? GIVE IT TO ME!" I'm THAT person.