Community› The Bump Month Clubs› January 2012 Moms
January 2012 Moms
New Discussion

My mother in law...

michnthecitymichnthecity
in January 2012 Moms

I am really dreading the battles with my mother in law when the baby arrives for several reasons.  First of all, she's a slob.  Her house is not clean and I do not want my little one running around the filth.  She has a roommate who is a hoarder and I do not feel that the home is safe or clean.  Secondly, she has certain habits that I don't want my baby learning.  She is morbidly obese and I do not want her passing her eating habits along to my child.  Her health is terrible, she has to undergo surgery and they have been putting it off because she is such a huge health risk.  My husband didn't understand why her surgery is considered high risk, well, it's because of all the extra "tissue."  She has to have a dnc in her uterus and my sister who is an ob says obese patients are a nightmare to deal with.  They don't understand all the complications their weight causes. 

I am so tired of no one addressing the huge elephant in the room (no pun intended) about her health.  I don't think she could even bend down to pick up the baby, it just isn't safe.  I mean, if a smoker develops lung cancer, there's a direct correlation between smoking and poor health.  Why is it that everyone is in denial, herself included, about why she has so many health problems?  She has diabetes, congestive heart failure, sleep apnea, chronic pneumonia, among other issues.    It's really frustrating to watch someone self destruct and no one wants to say or do anything about it.  And she takes no responsibility for her health, none whatsoever. 

Don't even get me started about all the lies she tells, how she has no qualms about telling total strangers she wears diapers, etc.  It's embarrassing.  This is just not how I was raised and I don't want my child thinking that any part of her behaviors is acceptable.  She thinks all the doctors who take part in her extensive care are "stupid" yet at the same time she relishes her time in the hospital as she gets to be the center of attention.  Maybe I'm just totally hormonal, but I am dreading the conversations I know I will need to have, because clearly she is so in denial about how much she has damaged her health, and she doesn't realize there are consequences.   

 She tells me at Christmas that my husband will need to come to her house and pick her up while I'm in labor.  She still drives and I told her that dh will be busy with me at the hospital so it would be better if she makes her own way.  It's like dealing with a child, and I'm sick of it.  

So the real issue is that I don't want her babysitting at her house, and if she babysits it will be very limited and at my house.  We don't even really need her help, it would just be so she could see him.  My sister in law lives out of state and has been trying to get mil to move where she lives.  Her biggest reason for not moving is because of our baby, and she wants to be around for him.  I just don't want that responsibility.  Her role will be minor compared to what I think she is expecting.    It is not my job to provide her with happiness or contentment in life, she needs to make her own life outside of doctors appointments and midnight binge eating. 

image. image. image.
Report Reply to Post

Re: My mother in law...

  • rachel.wengerrachel.wenger

    Your description of your MIL is the description of my mother AND my father...through and through.  BUT, there are ways to deal with it. 

    1. It is your kid.  You need to teach them how to be healthy and other various things.  Unhealthy eating is not something that can be easily rubbed off on a child by a few visits here and there.  If you don't like what she tries to feed your child, tell her, be blunt, say what you mean. 
    2. There are always going to be people in this world that are bad examples to kids.  You again need to teach them right from wrong.  I've had to deal with some pretty serious issues with my mother/father, but I know that my kid will NEVER have to deal with them because I've learned from their mistakes.
    3. My dad is ready to pass away any day now.  Heart is working at 40%, kidneys are working at 10%.  He says he follows his diet to a T, but he doesn't...you should see the amount of fast food bags in the back seat of his car.  I'm not an idiot.  I let him tell me his "poor me" story and then let it slip right out the other ear.  After 27 years of mental abuse, I've learned that I cannot change him and never will.  You just need to focus on you and your baby.

    Also, make sure you talk to DH about these things.  My DH and I have very lengthy conversations on the issues.  He is very supportive and understands how emotionally draining parents like that can be.  If you can't talk to DH about it, I highly recommend a counselor.  Hope that helps...

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • babyboymama11babyboymama11

    She sounds VERY toxic and I would do everything you can to keep you child away from her. Your husband should stand up for your wants/ needs over hers. I imagine you met her before you married your husband so you had to have an idea of what you were getting yourself into. But now the important part is to protect your child.

    I have a situation that is different but somewhat similar. My father is an alcoholic - he had been sober for the past 8+ years but he recently started drinking again. I sat him and my Mom down and made it VERY clear I will have nothing to do with him as long as he drinks. AND he will NOT ever even be allowed around his only grandbaby as long as he continues to drink.

    It is a sad situation you are in but it is your responsibility to take control now and protect your child.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • michnthecitymichnthecity
    I definitely plan on not being passive at all on my feelings.  I have been a people pleaser all my life, and since I've been pregnant that has changed immensely.  I did meet her first before I got married, but my husband is wonderful.  She isn't going to be around forever so I would never have second guessed my choice to marry my husband because of her.  I think my husband doesn't think about things as much as I do, he was taken aback when we discussed her not babysitting at her home.  After I pointed some things out to him, he agreed.  I think at the end of the day he knows she's got a lot of issues and is really troubled, but just wants to ignore it all.  When he was surprised that the doctors considered her a high risk patient, I was floored.  It is so obvious to me that walking around with 250 extra pounds on your body is not healthy.  But I guess to others, it isn't because obesity is so common these days.  All his aunts and uncles are obese too.  He thinks he is destined to have all the health problems his mother has, but I remind him that obesity isn't genetic in his case and all of her health problems would be solved most likely if she were at a healthy weight.  But it just doesn't seem to sink in....
    image. image. image.
    Report Reply
  • eklangereklanger member
    I'm not going to say you should be ok with anything, but she did raise your husband and I'm assuming he turned out fine even with the example she set. 
    <a href="http://s1213.photobucket.com/albums/cc479/eknous84/?action=view
    Report Reply
  • michnthecitymichnthecity
    Sometimes I wonder about that too, my sil is just as crazy and messed up as my mil.  My dh must take after his dad who passed away when dh was 14....
    image. image. image.
    Report Reply
  • fyrefairiefyrefairie member
    I think so long as you and DH are on the same page it will be fine and he can be the one to field her hurt feelings IMO...if you haven't had some serious heart to hearts with him or he doesn't share/understand your concerns that might be a bigger problem

     

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt17701b.aspx[/img][/url]

     

    Report Reply
  • babyboymama11babyboymama11

    That's great that your husband talks to you about it and listens to you. He most likely will have some issues to deal with himself after growing up in such a toxic family. BUT the good news is with your love and support (and maybe some good counseling too) he can rise above it all. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and spent years going to counseling and working on myself to improve my life (before meeting my husband).

    The fact that you are recognizing it and discussing it with your husband is the first step. But it is true that neither of you will ever be able to have any control over your MIL or SIL actions so there comes a point where there's just nothing more you guys will be able to do. So I would try not to dwell on it and try your best to enjoy all the wonderful things coming up with your new baby and a fabulous husband! Big Smile

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • trackchik6trackchik6 member
    You should have your husband deal with her.
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"