About to blow through my stress limit (long)

swimgirl87 · December 2011

*sigh* I don't even know where to start. I am so stressed out. Nothing seems to be going right at all. I don't even know why I bother to plan things in my head.

Back Story: FI and I do not live in the same town. I live in a city in a 1 bedroom apartment and have a decent job with the government, with good government benefits. He lives in our hometown with his parents, has a good paying job but crappy benefits. Our plan was for him to move to my city at the beginning of January, get a job, and for us to move into a 2 bedroom apartment/condo/duplex. It would be just in time to get stuff ready for baby boy.

Well, now everything has gone to crap.

He has no job in my city yet.

We have no savings because what little savings I had, needed to go to my car. He has dwindled his savings down to nothing (partly cuz he doesnt listen to my advice, but that is a different story).

I have NO paid maternity leave because any time I am out my work makes me take PAID leave before I can take leave without pay, which makes no sense to me. But I had a kidney infection around week 25 that took me out of work for a week :-( So now I cannot afford any leave at all and will probably have to go back to work a week after I have my baby boy.

PLUS, I have cholestasis of pregnancy. A rare liver condition that causes me to itch and threatens our baby to be stillborn. So I now have to be induced at 37 weeks which will be around Jan 21st.

We have a stroller and a car seat and some clothes. That is it. No diapers or anything necessary. I can't really afford to go out and buy a ton of stuff and was waiting for my baby shower. Well, the ladies at work now want to do the shower AFTER baby since I am being induced so soon. :-(

So we basically have 2 options:

1. Stay in my tiny one bedroom apartment and HOPE that FI gets a job in my city and then I go back to work almost immediately after having baby. This option would keep us on AMAZING healthcare and baby would be able to go to work with me after 6 weeks.

2. Move back to my hometown and not work and barely scrape by on what my FI makes, but give up healthcare for myself and baby. Our hometown is SUPER small, I have no family or friends there anymore, and it is a very depressing place for me.

I don't know what to do. Neither option pleases me. But I think option #2 scares me more. I am afraid of how my life would end up by going back to our hometown and that I would not be happy and would resent my FI and my baby for making me go back, I also hate to give up the healthcare we need. However, the time with my baby would be nice.

*sigh* I just wish the stars could align and FI could get a good paying job in the city RIGHT NOW :-(

lylipad · December 2011

Does the state you live in not have State Disability Insurance? I am in CA and its automatically deducted from my paycheck every month therefore when I go out on ML I will claim SDI and it will pay me 55% of my average salary for 6 weeks. I am really sorry to hear things are not going as planned

swimgirl87 · December 2011

Nope. I live in AZ. We don't get any disability unless something is wrong with us. I make like $200 too much to qualify for state help on anything.

December192009 · December 2011

Check out your options. It sounds like you will be eligible for WIC regardless of which situation your choose, and you will also probably be eligible for medicaid/medicare (I don't know which one) as well as baby. I know govt. assistance is a touchy subject, but it's there for a reason. Keep the faith, something will work out. When we found out we were expecting DS1 I had to quit my job b/c it was not a safe job to keep while pregnant, DS was in grad school 2 hours away, we were 9 mo from our wedding, basically we ended up living with in-laws for a few months before we were able to shift gears and find out footing. 6 months later we were moving into our own home and both of us were starting our careers. It will work out, but in the mean time, take advantage of any assistance you can get. GL!

princessniclyn · December 2011

lylipad:
Does the state you live in not have State Disability Insurance? I am in CA and its automatically deducted from my paycheck every month therefore when I go out on ML I will claim SDI and it will pay me 55% of my average salary for 6 weeks. I am really sorry to hear things are not going as planned

The CA state disability is really rare (and awesome) so most states dont' have it.

To OP, I'm sorry you have all these issues...I will be praying for you...

Lena122 · December 2011

You have a federal job but no paid maternity leave? I'm assuming you qualify for FMLA, although I realize that's unpaid, but why can't you take any vacation or sick time as maternity leave?

It sounds like staying where you are is the best option simply for the medical benefits and your sanity. I can't imagine having to go back to work 1 week postpartum but you have to do what you have to do.

ETA: Also, I agree with PPs about taking what assistance you can. Newborns really don't require a whole lot of stuff but you can always check out consignment shops for less expensive items.

Shawnee11507 · December 2011

@lylipad- I don't think that is the norm. In my state (FL), you have to pay to have short-term disability insurance. I wish I had signed up for it before I got pregnant (pregnancy counts as a pre-existing condition and isn't covered if you sign up after the fact).

@OP- I would be mad with your FI. If he lives with his parents and makes good pay, how does he have no savings + you hardly have anything for the baby? It sucks you are in this position. If it were me, I would go with option #1.

How far apart are you and FI? Too far for him to commute for work until he finds something in the city?

PhysChic7685 · December 2011

Option 1 for sure. It sets you up for a much better future. Sounds like FI needs a reality check, though.

MigenMigen · December 2011

I would go with option 1 since baby can come to work with you. I do suggest that you take as much unpaid time off as you can. Can FI, FI's parents, your parents, etc help with your living expenses for 6 weeks? That way you don't have to worry about childcare for those first few weeks and you will be able to give yourself a chance to heal.

I would normally NEVER suggest going into debt, but I definitely think you need to keep a way to support yourself and your LO and keep your healthcare, so anything you can do to stay with your job seems to be better than relying on FI (who seems to be having a problem with responsibility) for support.

KTCaliL · December 2011

You absolutely need healthcare....I cannot even count how many times I took DS to the doctor the first month he was born. You never know what can happen. DS had jaundice and was frank and needed ultrasounds and stuff on his hips and he got reflux at 3 weeks. I was at the pedi so much I think they almost put a parking spot with my name on it. It's great that you can take LO to work with you, I would definitely go towards opt. #1....Good luck.

HappyToBe2012 · December 2011

If I were in your situation, I would probably go with option #1. It seems like the one with the best opportunities for everyone involved. And if your FI doesn't get a job right away, he could watch LO until he does/LO is old enough to go to work with you. Though I would also hold off on him moving as long as he could so that he could still work at his current job as long as possible.

If you work for the government, do they have a policy for other employees being able to donate leave to you? I work for our state government and we have a leave bank that members can draw from if needed (you have to have joined though) and other employees can also donate directly to you if you need it for medical reasons. It's worth checking out if it might get you a couple weeks at home with LO.

ssimon621 · December 2011

Sorry you are in this situation. But I agree with the pp; I work for the local government and they have a leave donation policy. Instead of your coworkers giving you a shower maybe you can ask them each to give you a day or two of leave, it would benefit you way more. Secondly, if you go out of work for a medical reason usually your job will not let you come back to work without a medical release for legal reasons so I don't know how realistic it would be that you can go back to work one week post-partum.

If you are able to go back to work easily then have you FI take his FMLA whether it is paid or not, because from what it sounds like his salary doesn't support you anyway. And as another poster said look into WIC that will help you with formula if you aren't going to breast feed, and I believe they provide you with a free pump if you do breast feed. Also, babies really don't need that much, as long as you have a car seat, a few outfits, somewhere for LO to sleep, diapers and wipes you will survive. GL!

swimgirl87 · December 2011

Shawnee11507:
@lylipad- I don't think that is the norm. In my state (FL), you have to pay to have short-term disability insurance. I wish I had signed up for it before I got pregnant (pregnancy counts as a pre-existing condition and isn't covered if you sign up after the fact).
@OP- I would be mad with your FI. If he lives with his parents and makes good pay, how does he have no savings + you hardly have anything for the baby? It sucks you are in this position. If it were me, I would go with option #1.
How far apart are you and FI? Too far for him to commute for work until he finds something in the city?

I am mad at him. He moved back home to take this job about a month before we got preggo. When we found out, we decided he would stay there for the duration of the pregnancy to save money. I calculated out our expenses and his income and figured he could save about $800 or more a month. But nope. I love him so much and he is a GREAT guy. But when it comes to money he is not the most responsible :-( I am very Type A and organized and he is kinda like "oh well, things will work out" type. But unfortunately being angry and upset with him now doesn't change that we have no savings.

@ December 19: I don't qualify for state medical benefits, but I do qualify for WIC. I make barely too much to qualify for other state help and my job won't cut back hours because that would be accommodating my schedule.

@ Lena122: I do qualify for FMLA but that is unpaid. I don't get anything paid because I only had about 1.5 weeks saved up and I had a kidney infection earlier in the pregnancy that it was used for. For some reason they won't let me take unpaid leave if I have leave saved. They make me use what leave I have for any time of...which I personally think is a load of crap.

@ ssimon621: I don't qualify for the donated leave at my work. It has to be medically necessary and they do not consider pregnancy and childbirth to be medically necessary (unless baby ended up in the NICU or something)

Thanks ladies for your perspective. It helps to know what the important things are. Right now my main thing is healthcare just because I know how much babies go to the doctor and my healthcare I pretty much pay nothing because my deductible is $100 and everything is either 100% or 90/10. FI's job is nice paying, but when you combine my bills with his, it doesn't make much more than if he were to come here.

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