Working moms are happier than SAHMs

LynsiBHM · December 2011

I am not looking to start the whole WM vs SAHM thing. I think we'll all agree that neither is universally "best" and it depends on your family. I just found this interesting... On the today show (the KLG and Hoda hour) they talked about a study where they determined that working moms are happier than SAHMs, but the happiest group of all was the P/T working moms that SAH the rest of the time. Also, most WMs want their daughters to be WMs when they grow up and SAHMs want their daughters to be SAHMs.

Here's the link https://vitals.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/12/9393412-working-moms-are-healthier-happier-study-finds

WDYT about this? How happy are you? Do you have a preference for your daughter? Did your mom stay home?

MamatoJackson · December 2011

I'm pretty happy. I can't imagine working but I know several mo

S who can't imagine staying home.

I honestly have no preference for what my daughter does. Whatever makes her happy. Hopefully if she works, I'll be able to watch the grand kiddos. My mom Was home until I was 4.

nugget0411 · December 2011

my mom stayed home and i will stay home.

i personally feel it's best for our family and DH is behind me 100%. his mom stayed home and he always imagined that his wife would too.

i can see how it may be healthy to have a hobby outside of the home to get a break but to work to put my kid in daycare doesn't make sense for us.

i'm interested to see where this thread takes us............

luvmagoldn · December 2011

I will say that for me, right now, working part-time is best for my family. On the really good days I feel like I get the best of both worlds. On the bad days I feel harried and strung out. But I think that would happen regardless of what the arrangement was.

I have boys but I do want them to grow up thinking that women have options and that staying home and working outside the home are both valuable. My mom worked some years and not others so that's kind of the take-away I got from her as well.

notkateanymore · December 2011

As far as being happier, I think it comes from more of a balance. It's hard to be with your children and no other adults 100% of the time, at least for me. I'm the happiest now that I'm a SAHM to an elementary age child. It's the best of both worlds! Time to myself and friends, plus time with DD.

My mom worked until she was dx with MS when I was 9, I never thought I would be a SAHM and we are raising DD to pick a career she loves...if the time comes and she decided to stay home, fine with me, but I would never raise my child to be a SAHM.

littlemermaid · December 2011

I've been a sahm for 11 years and have never regretted it. I had a wonderful career in the coporate world prior to having children. But when I had children I wanted to be the one to tend to their needs during the day. YOU make your sahm experience what it is. If a mom chooses to not make new friends that are also at home or chooses to never leave her home then she only has herself to blame. These studies are all useless in my opinion. There are too many variables that are not equal when doing these studies.

chicsub · December 2011

It probably depends on the type of job too. I know I'm really itching to get back to working in some capacity and will probably look for something PT once I'm done BFing (don't feel like dealing with that if I don't have to). I need more of a break from my kids and meeting up with other moms doesn't cut it anymore since the kids are so active and it's hard to have a conversation these days. Ditto for the gym b/c who do you really talk to there? I did a very brief stint freelancing after DD was born and I loved having my brain do something different. I *thought* I was still stimulating my brain by reading and keeping myself busy, but realized it just wasn't the same. Can't wait, although I realize that there will be days that will suck and I will wish that I wasn't working.

My mom was a SAHM until we entered grade school and then she worked part-time. I think she started working FT when we were in high school?

ETA: I don't have a preference for what either of my kids decide to do when they have families. I want them to be happy, but I will say that I do prefer that they have some sort of drive to keep on bettering themselves no matter what they do.

Daisy77 · December 2011

I have done both. Honestly, each has it's perks and downfalls so I really couldn't tell you which was/is better. You do what works for your family and this is what currently works for ours:)

ETA: As for my children, I just want to them to do what THEY want. If they want to stay-at-home (and can afford it), good for them. If they want to become an artist and find themselves in Paris, super. I'll have a good and logical reason to go there:) DH would like DS to take over the trucking business but if it's not his thing, so be it. Once they're 18 I have very little interest in directing their path unless they ask for it.

StatlerWaldorf · December 2011

I work PT and I was happier when I stayed at home completely. I don't love my job and I think if I were doing something that I liked I might feel differently.

I don't have a preference for my daughter. I want her to do what makes her happy. I only hope that she has the option to SAH if she wants.

My mom was a SAHM until her youngest entered school. She really wanted me to SAH and spoke out against my plan to put DD in daycare.

lucylea · December 2011

littlemermaid:
YOU make your sahm experience what it is. If a mom chooses to not make new friends that are also at home or chooses to never leave her home then she only has herself to blame. These studies are all useless in my opinion. There are too many variables that are not equal when doing these studies.

I couldn't agree with this more. In my area if you are home and feeling lonely as a SAHM then that is your own doing because there are so many options (many of them free) to get out and be around other people and meet other SAHMs. I understand if you live in a more rural area, though.

I worked until DD was 10 months old and I can honestly say that I am infinitely happier staying home. I was stressed, underpaid, under-appreciated, and felt like I didn't have enough time to do a quality job with parenting OR working. Some women are much happier the other way around, though.

RaphSandra2005 · December 2011

I imagine that the balance that is found when working p/t and staying at home the rest of the time is what helps these women feel happier. I'm pretty happy most of the time. I was not in a fulfilling job before I had DS, and couldn't imagine leaving him every day when we could make it work financially without my income. I definitely go through periods when I miss working, and I plan to go back to work once both kids are in elementary school (although I'm not sure what my future career looks like yet).

My mom stayed at home with me and my sisters until I was in high school. She actually advised me NOT to be a SAHM. As for my daughter, like the pp's have said, I want her to make her own decision and I consider it my duty as her mother to prepare her for any possibility. Same goes for my son.

chicsub · December 2011

I agree with pp, that I don't think I'd be happy just doing any old PT job, I need to like what I'm doing otherwise I'm sure I'd resent it.

Although I have to disagree about it being a woman's own fault if she isn't happy with being a SAHM. I'm pretty social and get out of the house daily with my kids, but it's just not enough for me. I'm happy to see my friends, but it's not the same as "real" adult interactions without the distraction of the kids under foot. I'm hoping that this part will get easier again when the kids are a little older. I will say that when DS was an infant and young toddler it was nice socializing b/c I felt like I actually had time to talk to other moms at play dates, but not so much lately. Maybe my kids are crazy?

Mom2Mack1 · December 2011

I agree it is what you make of it, I try to get DD out to interact with other kids. I worked FT until she was 8 mo old, and it was stressful. I think it may have been different if the job was not so demanding. My boss never had kids and worked all the time, and he played the guilt trip on taking days off, leaving when your supposed to, etc. Now, I don't feel guilty if I miss "work" to take care of my LO! We can cuddle all day on the couch if necessary!

I love SAH, it's very relaxing. I'm going to find something PT to get out of the house though!! Even if it's waitressing, which I did all through hs and college and loved. I'm sure people would judge me for doing it with a college degree but I know the $$ is good and hours are pretty flexible so we wouldn't need a sitter.

In the end whatever works for each person and family is what they should do.

June2007 · December 2011

I saw that too. I am very happy as a PT working/ SAHM so I have to agree for the most part. However there are some days where I feel like I have the absolute worst of both worlds but the majority of the time I have the best of both. (And when I agree, I mean for myself, different things make different people happy)

I dont have a preference for my daughters. I hope they are just happy in whatever they choose. I will insist that they get the required education for their passion though so they will have something to fall back on should the circumstances require it. I wouldn't let their potential desire to grow up to be a SAHM (an admirable desire in my eyes) be an excuse to not get an education to be able to work outside the home.

My Mom was a SAHM for much of our lives, she worked PT one we hit middle school age.

Liz342 · December 2011

nugget0411:

i'm interested to see where this thread takes us............

Me too. Pumpkinwife? Are you out there?

June2007 · December 2011

luvmagoldn:
I will say that for me, right now, working part-time is best for my family. On the really good days I feel like I get the best of both worlds. On the bad days I feel harried and strung out. But I think that would happen regardless of what the arrangement was.

I have boys but I do want them to grow up thinking that women have options and that staying home and working outside the home are both valuable. My mom worked some years and not others so that's kind of the take-away I got from her as well.

Ha! I read the replies after I did mine and it's funny that we both mention the best/worst of both worlds. I say this all the time when people ask how it's going being in between the SAHM/ WM worlds.

ashleyhuney · December 2011

Not the case for me. I was a ft wm for three years and it was miserable. I hated leaving my son and I felt like I was failing at both"jobs." Maybe working is less stressful if you have someone to cook, clean, etc. but I certainly didn't make enough to pay anyone for that. I felt like I could never do a good enough job making my home the environment I wanted for my son. I felt like I was never as fully present at my job the way I was before kids. Sick days were horrendous, my boss was a single mom for decades (child at 20, had her second at almost 40) and never accepted weakness. She would say I needed to find a special sick care babysitter when my son was sick. Um, with paying for daycare another care person would end up being more than I make, let alone the fact that a sick kid needs a parent, not a stranger. Anyway, I love being a sahm with my two kids. We are socially active, I have a wonderful partner in dh so I get enough off time, and I get to raise my kids the way I want to. I am looking forward to school age though, if only to give the youngers more qt.

wifeandmama · December 2011

Studies like this make me laugh. Too many variables. I've never been a working mom and couldn't imagine it.. I'm very, very happy SAH. I don't have a daughter but I'd want her to do whatever made her happy. My mom and grandmom were both SAHMs and I have very fond memories from childhood.

JOEBunny · December 2011

I am sure statistically this is true. Based on just statistics, SAHM families earn less, have less education overall, and probably have fewer people who actually make the "choice" to SAH vs. people who have to SAH because it makes the most sense economically. I don't think any of this really applies to my life or the people I know.

mrsrobinsontobe · December 2011

i guess i have the choice of sah or working, and i choose to work pt because in our situation, i'd be rather foolish not to! i make a nice salary, work 28 hrs a week, i have tenure, a great pension to look forward too, free childcare thanks to my mom, summers, snow days and school vacations off...oh, and i LOVE my job!!! it's not easy, and some days are challenging...but i really do feel like i have it all!

if i left my career, i would be hard for me to find another teaching job because even at pt, i cost almost as much as 2 new teachers! also, i feel it would put an awful lot of unnecessary pressure on my husband to earn all the money, when i'm perfectly capable of contributing too! he's in biotech sales, and he does well, but you never know what could happen in today's economy! because i work too, he doesn't feel the pressure to go and find that sales job where he's traveling all the time...he works hard, but he gets to work from home, go into the city a few days a week, and earn a very nice salary. could we live on it, probably, but not to have everything we'd like for our kids. we want to set them up so they will be able to make more of their own choices too. The big thing with our arrangement is the amount of quality family time that we are able to have -- neither of us would change this for the world!

i love when my daughter says she wants to be a teacher and a mommy when she grows up...granted she's just 5, but it still warms my heart! i would be very happy if either one of our children chooses the paths we have because i think we've made really good choices in life!

so, i can say that personally i am very happy...but it's not just because i'm at home a lot, it's because of all the choices we've made in our lives to create the balance we have today...it took a lot of work on both our parts, but what we've come away with is invaluable!

Temp174496125006552 · December 2011

I've done both and I am happier being a SAHM. Of course, there are days when I miss the ability to pee without an audience or being able to hop in my car at lunch (by myself) to run a quick errand, but overall, I much prefer being home. DH and I have talked about it and we agree that ideally, I'd stay home not only until this baby starts kindergarten, but also continue to stay home for when Ben and the baby get home from school. Once they are both in school, I'd love to find something part-time a few days a week from 10:00-2:00 (or something like that) and then be home by the time they get off the bus. The other two days, I would volunteer at their schools, run errands, clean, etc.

I have something in the works right now to earn some money working from home (it's legit and I can make my own schedule), so if this pans out, it will really will be the best of both worlds for us -- I can be home and make some money at the same time.

As far as Jordan goes (and this baby, should it be a girl), I want her to do whatever fulfills her and makes her happy. That being said, I would also like her to have the skills and education to have her own career and be independent. Should they choose to be a SAHM and have a spouse/SO that can support them, great. But I want them to have something to fall back on, because you never know.

My mom stayed home until the youngest (there are 5 of us) started kindergarten and then she went back to work 3 days/week.

NYmama2 · December 2011

Coming froms someone who has done both...(worked full time until my second daughter was born and then became a SAHM due to a move and the price of 2 in dc) I don't know how a study can truly measure that. I think there are so many factors and scenarios.

I have just started working part time and I love it. I get to have some me time and contribute financially but I also get to spend some great quality time with my kids. I think it depends on what makes the person happy. If you are happy to stay home with your kids and want to versus it making more financial sense, then I could see where the study my skew results.

I love my kids more than anything and I give a lot of credit to SAHMs....it's tough work. I also love knowing that when my kids are in school that given my part time work, I will be there to put them on the bus and get them off the bus just like my mom did and that is what makes me happy.

itsmegin · December 2011

My mom SAH, I do, I know working wouldn't make me happier. I cannot imagine missing this time with DD for any job. Nothing makes me happier than seeing her happy, and she is definitely happy having me around all the time. There is no study or report that could convince me that she would be better taken care of by someone else.

laney75 · December 2011

littlemermaid:
I've been a sahm for 11 years and have never regretted it. I had a wonderful career in the coporate world prior to having children. But when I had children I wanted to be the one to tend to their needs during the day. YOU make your sahm experience what it is. If a mom chooses to not make new friends that are also at home or chooses to never leave her home then she only has herself to blame. These studies are all useless in my opinion. There are too many variables that are not equal when doing these studies.

I agree with this.

Stacyc625 · December 2011

I have absolutely NO PREFERENCE on either one of my childrens' desire to work or SAH.

Me- personally? I am EXTREMELY happy- I do feel I have the best of both- as I still have my career AND I SAH- That being said- it is a RIDICULOUS amount of work.

gatogrrl · December 2011

I don't care what makes other moms happy. Staying home makes me happy.

I would hope my daughter would have a career, like I did before having kids, but if she's not into that then I'm happy if she's happy.

My mom worked 5 years before I was born, stayed at home until I was 14, then went to work FT for about 10 years before retiring.

annetteh72 · December 2011

I work PT, up until a few months ago, I was singing the praises of it being the best of both worlds. But I've hit a really stressful patch of work (I'm a mental health therapist in private practice) and I've recently felt a desire to SAH.

DH said he's fine with what I choose so I'm going to continue at 20 hours a week and see how I feel in a few months. I think if I did take off, it would be for a few years and I'd go back PT.

The pros for me are having something that is all for me and extra money. We are taking the kids to Italy, remodeled the kitchen and bathrooms and one income we wouldn't be doing those as soon. The cons are compassion fatigue, stress, not having the luxury to have summers off to go and travel and not having as much time to cook nice dinners.

When I worked 32 hours, it definitely felt too much!

EJDIII · December 2011

annetteh72:
I work PT, up until a few months ago, I was singing the praises of it being the best of both worlds. But I've hit a really stressful patch of work (I'm a mental health therapist in private practice) and I've recently felt a desire to SAH.
DH said he's fine with what I choose so I'm going to continue at 20 hours a week and see how I feel in a few months. I think if I did take off, it would be for a few years and I'd go back PT.
The pros for me are having something that is all for me and extra money. We are taking the kids to Italy, remodeled the kitchen and bathrooms and one income we wouldn't be doing those as soon. The cons are compassion fatigue, stress, not having the luxury to have summers off to go and travel and not having as much time to cook nice dinners.
When I worked 32 hours, it definitely felt too much!

I am also in mental health, however I work pt for ny state. I stayed at home for 2 years and recently decided to return to my field 3 months ago. I have to say this is the best choice for me. I am personally much happier now. I have full time benefits working 26 hrs a week, including medical, dental, vision, and a pension. I LOVE the balance my life has right now feel incredibly blessed to be able to make the choice to work pt.

I completely agree with the cons you listed-especially compassion fatigue!

itsmegin · December 2011

amy052006:
itsmegin:
My mom SAH, I do, I know working wouldn't make me happier. I cannot imagine missing this time with DD for any job. Nothing makes me happier than seeing her happy, and she is definitely happy having me around all the time. There is no study or report that could convince me that she would be better taken care of by someone else.
I don't think the study is trying to convince you of anything. They are self reported findings. It is not like scientists are looking at women and are saying, "Oh she is unhappy". Women are reporting themselves how they feel about their lives.
so clearly there is some validity to the theory that SAHMs are more apt to be depressed. The problem is it doesn't drill down to figure out who this subset is and why. It isn't saying that you as a SAHM are more depressed than a WM - it is saying that if you had 100 SAHMs, more of them would be depressed than 100 WMs.
There could be lots of reasons. maybe they are depressed to begin with, and it is too overwhelming to work outside of the home, so SAHM is the default. Maybe they are married to jack holes who believe they need to be barefoot and pregnant. Or any of the host of reasons Joebunny mentioned.

Right, I understand, I guess I was just trying to say what many PPs have said, this is what makes me happy, regardless of a study. It also irks me because I think the media is so unsupportive of SAHMs, this is just another influence to try to get women to question their choices. Why not let people choose what works for them and leave it alone? Happiness is so subjective how can this study prove anything? But now it's going to be cited as fact without any healthy skepticism. I think it is strange to be isolated because you SAH. I started WAH years before DD was born and it made my relationships (even those with my old CWs), even stronger because I had time and flexibility to see them more. Now I've made yet another set of mom friends and I go out and do things with friends or family nearly everyday. Being lonely is a choice and being a SAHM doesn't mean you literally must stay home all day.

itsmegin · December 2011

amy052006:
itsmegin:
My mom SAH, I do, I know working wouldn't make me happier. I cannot imagine missing this time with DD for any job. Nothing makes me happier than seeing her happy, and she is definitely happy having me around all the time. There is no study or report that could convince me that she would be better taken care of by someone else.
I don't think the study is trying to convince you of anything. They are self reported findings. It is not like scientists are looking at women and are saying, "Oh she is unhappy". Women are reporting themselves how they feel about their lives.
so clearly there is some validity to the theory that SAHMs are more apt to be depressed. The problem is it doesn't drill down to figure out who this subset is and why. It isn't saying that you as a SAHM are more depressed than a WM - it is saying that if you had 100 SAHMs, more of them would be depressed than 100 WMs.
There could be lots of reasons. maybe they are depressed to begin with, and it is too overwhelming to work outside of the home, so SAHM is the default. Maybe they are married to jack holes who believe they need to be barefoot and pregnant. Or any of the host of reasons Joebunny mentioned.

Right, I understand, I guess I was just trying to say what many PPs have said, this is what makes me happy, regardless of a study. It also irks me because I think the media is so unsupportive of SAHMs, this is just another influence to try to get women to question their choices. Why not let people choose what works for them and leave it alone? Happiness is so subjective how can this study prove anything? But now it's going to be cited as fact without any healthy skepticism. I think it is strange to be isolated because you SAH. I started WAH years before DD was born and it made my relationships (even those with my old CWs), even stronger because I had time and flexibility to see them more. Now I've made yet another set of mom friends and I go out and do things with friends or family nearly everyday. Being lonely is a choice and being a SAHM doesn't mean you literally must stay home all day.

ENI36 · December 2011

itsmegin:
amy052006:
itsmegin:
My mom SAH, I do, I know working wouldn't make me happier. I cannot imagine missing this time with DD for any job. Nothing makes me happier than seeing her happy, and she is definitely happy having me around all the time. There is no study or report that could convince me that she would be better taken care of by someone else.
I don't think the study is trying to convince you of anything. They are self reported findings. It is not like scientists are looking at women and are saying, "Oh she is unhappy". Women are reporting themselves how they feel about their lives.
so clearly there is some validity to the theory that SAHMs are more apt to be depressed. The problem is it doesn't drill down to figure out who this subset is and why. It isn't saying that you as a SAHM are more depressed than a WM - it is saying that if you had 100 SAHMs, more of them would be depressed than 100 WMs.
There could be lots of reasons. maybe they are depressed to begin with, and it is too overwhelming to work outside of the home, so SAHM is the default. Maybe they are married to jack holes who believe they need to be barefoot and pregnant. Or any of the host of reasons Joebunny mentioned.
Right, I understand, I guess I was just trying to say what many PPs have said, this is what makes me happy, regardless of a study. It also irks me because I think the media is so unsupportive of SAHMs, this is just another influence to try to get women to question their choices. Why not let people choose what works for them and leave it alone? Happiness is so subjective how can this study prove anything? But now it's going to be cited as fact without any healthy skepticism. I think it is strange to be isolated because you SAH. I started WAH years before DD was born and it made my relationships (even those with my old CWs), even stronger because I had time and flexibility to see them more. Now I've made yet another set of mom friends and I go out and do things with friends or family nearly everyday. Being lonely is a choice and being a SAHM doesn't mean you literally must stay home all day.

You don't have to stay home all day, but most moms get home for nap time which limits your options of where you can go and how far. Especially when they take two naps a day. When it goes down to one it's a little easier, but still challenging. At your daughter's age, you can take her anywhere. As they get older, they don't always nap so easily when they're out. So I don't feel like it's always a choice, kwim?

I don't know, I try to get out at least once a day, everyday, but I still feel isolated at times. I do story times, play groups, library, etc. I have SAHM friends, but their kids take naps too, and at different times than mine. I think some people just need to be out and about more than others.

LynsiBHM · December 2011

interesting responses!

For me, I was miserable as a WM. Had I stayed at my corporate job, I would have been depressed, overwhelmed, stressed, whatever else the opposite of "happy and healthy" could be! Everyone I know says i'm glowing now, motherhood agrees with me, bla bla bla. I am 100% happy. (Just to be ridiculous) I don't know anyone else that is happier. My mom was a SAHM until my brother and I went to school for full days and then she went back to work (as a teacher.) I grew up knowing I had a choice and always planned to do whatever worked best when it came time. If I have a daughter someday, i'd like her to grow up to be independant and be able to support herself if needed (not to "depend on a man") but i'd be equally as supportive if she was a SAHM or WM... or even a corporate woman who doesn't want kids at all... whatever makes her happy. (unless stripping or drugs makes her happy.)

My SIL SAH for awhile and she was miserable. She went back to work and said she felt "complete" again. She balances both very well and is very happy, too.

I think it's true that these studies are silly. Every mom needs to do what works best for her and her family. Some WMs deal with serious depression, illness, stress disorders, etc. Some SAHMs feel isolated, bored, overwhelmed, depressed, etc. There's no right answer. I think we all agree on that but it was interesting to hear your responses.

Want a personalized experience?

Working moms are happier than SAHMs

Re: Working moms are happier than SAHMs

Choose Another Board

Search Boards