I feel so isolated — The Bump
Special Needs

I feel so isolated

I'm really feeling isolated lately. DS has autism and I don't have many friends. My family isn't very supportive and they never ask me to get together. I hate it. I think it's because of DS having autism. My mom hardly ever calls me to see if I want to get together for lunch, etc...or to even see how things are going. I always hear about her inviting my sisters out for lunch or shopping or whatever. I always have to invite myself. Then I'm like the third wheel with the SN child tagging along. No one ever asks how things are going with DS and his various therapies. I would really just like someone to ask me how the_hell I'm doing or he's doing. UGH!

I mostly just needed to vent, because I'm having a bad day and when I called my mom to see if she wanted to go have lunch with me and DS today (because she's off work this week) she already had plans to see a movie and lunch with my sister and niece. I think I will always be the outsider. :-(  

Re: I feel so isolated

  • Was your mother like this before your son was diagnosed, or is this totally new? I'd be upset about it anyway, even if it is longstanding, but I'd be homicidal if it was about leaving out your DS. I have felt isolated from my family at times because most of them just want to ignore the whole "autism thing", and never talk about it, even when I bring it up. But they still shower DS with love and beg to see him! I think maybe a heart-to-heart with your mom and sisters is in order. If they are really leaving you and your son out because of his autism... I don't know what to say to that, honestly. I couldn't accept that at all. I'm SO sorry you're dealing with this.

     

    ETA: auntie's reply is a lot more level-headed than mine. Perhaps you could talk with your mom about some of the scenarios auntie brought up?

  • I love Auntie's replies because sometimes they just are what they are, and not sugar-coated in any way.  That's what makes them so good.

    That said, first sorry your feeling so bummed, I would too.  But, playing devil's advocate, consider maybe your mom doesn't understand what is really the reality and/or she just simply doesn't have the coping ability to deal with it.  If either is the case, then just try to have compassion for her- people have baggage/issues that we don't know about that prevent them from being the people we want them to be.  It's just that way.   

    Your son deserves YOU to be strong in this regard and not let the disappointing ways of others affect you, which in turn, affect him.  You are strong, you are able, you are wonderful!

    P.S.  The mild winter here in MN is something extra to be happy about!! 

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  • I truly hope things start to improve for you once DS starts his preschool program and you can have some time for yourself! DH and I are also feeling in an antisocial rut and we're going to break out of the rut this winter- we're getting a family membership at the Y. We brought DS there and showed him the awesome kids area. We know it'll be a hard transitition for him, but we decided it is time for us to "move on with our lives" so to speak and stop tip-toeing around his diagnosis. We have avoided so many things because it's "too hard" with DS. It is true, as our therapists say, that we have to choose our battles. On the other hand- DS is too used to having his way at everything, and they are encouraging us to start pushing him to do things he's uncomfortable with- such as going to the church daycare or the gym daycare so we can carry on with the things we used to do pre-diagnosis. We even found a church that has an ASD sunday school program! So even if you feel isolated, you should continue to look around- opportunities abound. Sometimes it feels just as hard for me as DS to make these change (e.g. starting this new church). I tell myself it's good for both of us!

     That said- the situation with your Mom sounds awful. I have no idea if it relates to your DS or if she's just sortof apathetic in general? Did you have a good relationship with her prior to DS?

    And yes- embrace this weather!! DS got a new bike for Christmas and we have actually been able to ride it around the neighborhood!

  • image MirandaHobbes:

    I truly hope things start to improve for you once DS starts his preschool program and you can have some time for yourself! DH and I are also feeling in an antisocial rut and we're going to break out of the rut this winter- we're getting a family membership at the Y. We brought DS there and showed him the awesome kids area. We know it'll be a hard transitition for him, but we decided it is time for us to "move on with our lives" so to speak and stop tip-toeing around his diagnosis. We have avoided so many things because it's "too hard" with DS. It is true, as our therapists say, that we have to choose our battles. On the other hand- DS is too used to having his way at everything, and they are encouraging us to start pushing him to do things he's uncomfortable with- such as going to the church daycare or the gym daycare so we can carry on with the things we used to do pre-diagnosis. We even found a church that has an ASD sunday school program! So even if you feel isolated, you should continue to look around- opportunities abound. Sometimes it feels just as hard for me as DS to make these change (e.g. starting this new church). I tell myself it's good for both of us!

     That said- the situation with your Mom sounds awful. I have no idea if it relates to your DS or if she's just sortof apathetic in general? Did you have a good relationship with her prior to DS?

    And yes- embrace this weather!! DS got a new bike for Christmas and we have actually been able to ride it around the neighborhood!

    Yes, we have avoided many things, too because it's just too hard with DS.  In relation to my mom, I think she just doesn't know how to handle DS. Then I think she also had a little denial about him having autism. For Christmas we got my mom and both sisters a book "Ten Things Every Child With Autism Wishes You Knew" and we gave it from DS. :-)  I'm hoping that'll help them be more understanding.

    DS will be starting the Autism Day Treatment program in January, 5 days (mornings) a week!! What was supposed to be a 12 month wait-list turned into a 2.5 month wait. :-)

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