NBR Really need advice on how to handle this situation

chicagocubsfan23 · December 2011

I don't know, maybe it's the hormones, or maybe I'm just being a ***, but here's the story, it's kind of long sorry!

So I'm kind of starting to get frustrated with my best friend. We've been really close for 7 years now and I love her like she's my sister. It's kind of a long story so I'll try to keep it short. Back in the day I was dating this guy, and she started dating his brother. We got to be really really close. She ended up getting pregnant by him, and when she was about 6 months along he dumped her for his ex. He ended up marrying his ex and claimed the baby wasn't his. I stuck by her side through all of it because she was my friend. I went with her to hospital visits, threw her a baby shower, and just was there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Well, he ended up divorcing the ex and asked my friend for another chance. She gave it to him and he seemed like he really was working hard at being there for her and their son. Then his brother cheated on me and knocked the girl up, ending in a break-up between us. She was equally there for me. This all happened 5 years ago. They have since gotten married and I couldn't have been happier for them.

Fast forward to now. They started having big issues in their marriage and he decided he wanted to move to South Carolina. They didn't know anybody down there or have any jobs lined up. She didn't want to move and I suggested she try sitting down and talking to him about how she felt about the move. She said he wouldn't listen, so she agreed to give it a chance for the sake of their marriage. After a month of being there she hated it and moved back to Iowa. He wouldn't come back. Then a few months later she decided she didn't want to not be with him and moved back down there. After she moved back she found out he cheated on her with a 20 year old at his work, and his daughter, who is 16, moved in with her mom because she couldn't take living with him anymore. My friend was devistated but said they were going to work it out. I didn't like the idea, but I was there for her and supported her in her decision. He then came home one night and told her he was leaving her for the 20 year old and said a lot of nasty things, including not wanting anything to do with their son anymore. I told her she was better off and tried helping her get back on her feet as best I could from so far away.

Now, the 20 year old won't leave her boyfriend and so he decided he wants to stay and work things out. I don't want to see her get hurt again. He has a track record of doing this to her and I truly believe the only reason he is now staying is because this other girl won't leave her boyfriend for him like she initially led him to believe. I have tried to talk to my friend about it but I think all I do is make her mad because she stopped talking to me for awhile. The only time she does talk to me now is to tell me about something horrible he has done or said recently. I am not trying to be a bad friend, but I don't know how to help her if she won't help herself. Does anybody have any advice?

glowworm0166 · December 2011

I think your heart is in the right place - you are trying to be there to support your friend and I am sure she appreciates it. What I have found with my friends who tend to make extremely poor choices - particularly regarding men - is that you have the opportunity to tell them how you feel about the guy they are dating. You sit down, explain why you feel that way, that you want the best for them, etc. and then you let her know that you will be there no matter what she chooses to do - and then you need to let it go. Your friend is going to do what she is going to do. I have found that constantly confronting people about their poor choices doesn't do any good - it tends to make that person not want to talk to you because they don't want to disappoint you and/or they don't want to hear a lecture. After you say your piece you should be there for her and listen and be a supportive friend and, if she wants to hear how you feel (even though she will already know) she will ask you. If he really is as big of an a$$ as he sounds, she will need a friend in the future. You can't make her do what you would do but you can provide an atmosphere where she knows someone loves her and will be there to support her if she ever gets up the nerve to leave him. Good luck - I hope she works it out!

0ashley · December 2011

You can sit her down and explain that it is your job as a bff and right to try to protect her. Give her your thoughts and tell her how much you care, not just how bad of a guy her husband seems to be. But ultimately she may decide to be with him anyways, so be careful what you say. You don't want her thinking that she has to choose between the two of you, you want her to know you'll be there for her either way.

chicagocubsfan23 · December 2011

afowler09:
You can sit her down and explain that it is your job as a bff and right to try to protect her. Give her your thoughts and tell her how much you care, not just how bad of a guy her husband seems to be. But ultimately she may decide to be with him anyways, so be careful what you say. You don't want her thinking that she has to choose between the two of you, you want her to know you'll be there for her either way.

This is what I already did. I told her I wasn't trying to be bitchy or say things she didn't want to hear, but that I didn't want to see her get hurt again. She said she understood, but now she only talks to me to complain about him. So I'm not sure how I am supposed to respond to this when she has already made her mind up that she is staying with him. She knows I am here for her no matter what and I think that's why she texts me when he does something horrible. And I'm glad she still wants to confide in me. But I just can't bring myself to say "Oh just give it time he'll get better" because I don't think he will

Want a personalized experience?

NBR Really need advice on how to handle this situation

Re: NBR Really need advice on how to handle this situation

Choose Another Board

Search Boards