xp: death of a grandparent...

howleyshell · December 2011

Has anyone navigated this process with their kids before?

Any advice to share on how you framed things or things that you said that you think helped them understand and process thru this kinda thing?

Also anyone who helped a young child process a terminal illness?

My dad's got maybe 8 months.

As soon as I pull myself together I need to figure out how to best help my kids deal with this.

We're going to visit soon and I'm not sure if I'll take the boys back once he starts to look ill but I'm also wondering how to help them understand and process seeing a visible physical deterioration?

TIA for any help and I'm sorry that you're able to answer this question at all...

2brides · December 2011

My mother died this summer after a long illness. My mother was sick as long as the boys have known her and we've always talked about it (she was in a wheelchair and for the last couple of years couldn't speak.) We don't live close to my parents but saw them a few times a year..and each visit, it was worst than before. We just always talked about Grammy being sick and why she needed her wheelchair and couldn't speak because of the illness she had. We stressed it wasn't the kind of sick that they get (she had Parkinsons) and that they couldn't catch it. We were always matter of fact about her disabilities.

She died rather suddenly and we didn't prepare for it since we didn't know we needed to yet. They found out when they came home from school and I had gone to be with my dad. We told them that Grammy had died and then let them ask questions. They had plenty. We made sure just to answer their questions directly. They attended her memorial service and graveside service and had more questions there. There are some great books out there re: death.

I am sorry to hear about your dad.

shouldbworkin · December 2011

Not a parent, but my grandparents. We'd already discussed a grandparent that had passed away. The kids didn't remember him, but he knew them and it came up. So, they were already familiar with the idea. My grandmother had a massive stroke this summer and for 2-3 weeks I was busy being by her side. I told my kids about it b/c I needed them to understand why I wasn't available to them at the time. They also knew her and I did take them to see her a couple times. My 6 y/o was great with it, the 4 y/o was a little nervous but not scarred by it in any way. I told them, in kid friendly terms, what was going on and was careful to distinguish that this was different than them getting sick with a cold or virus. I didn't lean on them emotionally, but I let them know what I was feeling and what was going on so that they could understand that mom was having a rough day and needed some space or peace and quiet. I brought them to the funeral, but not to the burial. I prepped them on what was going to happen and they were great with it. I mostly did it b/c I don't want them to grow up being afraid of these things. I wouldn't do it for just anyone, but for someone they know and love ... I think they deserve the opportunity to experience it in their own way too. Just be prepared for lots of questions, but I think it is better to talk about it than not talk about it at all. They sense when things are going on and react if they don't have the ability to process with you.

neverblushed · December 2011

howley -- sorry to hear about your dad. My DD was 6 when my grandmother died. Although she was old, we did not deal with a terminal illness.

Sorry I don't have more advice, but know that you're in my thoughts!

taggiecb · December 2011

My oldest was not quite 4 when my mil passed. She had cancer and had been suffering for about a year before she actually died. In spite of that, my oldest spent a lot of time with her and my fil. He visited her in the hospital, he stayed with her, and just spent time with her. We tried to teach him that just because she was sick it didn't mean she wasn't the same person that she was. We kept her in the forefront of our minds and conversations at all times. We never actually told him that she was going to die, because she really didn't want to accept it either. When she got really sick and had to be in hospice, we stopped taking him to visit, but we still talked about her.

When she died we told him what happened, but he had a hard time processing it. He asked for a while if she was still at the hospital. Then, for a while, he seemed block her memory out completely. He couldn't even pick her out of a picture. It was a long process, but she was such a big part of our lives that we wanted him to be involved in the whole process.

honeybearsgirl · December 2011

laceyjean1:

When she died we told him what happened, but he had a hard time processing it. He asked for a while if she was still at the hospital. Then, for a while, he seemed block her memory out completely. He couldn't even pick her out of a picture. It was a long process, but she was such a big part of our lives that we wanted him to be involved in the whole process.

I'm so sorry. We never thought we would be in this place so soon. Dealing with the kids is the most heart-breaking part of it.

My experience with my child's reaction was much like the above. DS was 4 when his closest grandparent died, my MIL, in February. She was like a mom to me. Unlike laceyjean, our was very sudden (6 weeks) and DS never saw her in the hospital or sick because we didn't know what it was and she specifically asked we not bring the kids because she was afraid to give them what she had (That was my MIL, selfless always).

DS was VERY close to Grammy (we have another son who was 8 months when she died. It breaks my heart to think he will not know her love the way our older son did, ugh). I had the hardest time processing telling him, and we delayed until the day of her funeral. We did not bring him because we are not religious and have no relationship with the church - we figured thrusting him into that unusual environment with everyone an emotional mess would just make it even harder for him that we needed it to be. She was cremated so that influenced my decision as well.

We told him very plainly and factually that she had died and that she was no longer breathing and that she was gone. We were advised to be very direct by my uncle in law (MIL's brother), an educator with a child psychology degree. He warned us that children grieve very differently than adults. He also said do not say she was sick and died, because then he may fear dieing when he is sick. He said we needed to be as specific as possible because little kids make connections if you leave it too vague. He also advised against saying she is an angle flying around because they can't really process that. We are not religious as I said so we wouldn't have said that anyway. Not sure how I would feel about that if I believed in that.

DS just asked if she was "gone forever" as few times, but otherwise did not react. He said oh and then just went about his business. But it came out in other ways. A week later DS was unusually emotional and grumpy and I couldn't figure it out. So I sat down with him and we talked. I finally asked him if he was sad and he said yes. When I asked him why he would not answer. But I knew. I asked him if he was sad because he missed someone. He looked up at me and threw himself into my arms in a heap of hysterical tears, screaming that he wanted to see Grammy. When I told him he could not and why (while trying to contain my own sobs) he just kept pleading with me, but please mommy, but please I'll be good. Argh. I am crying remembering it. DS is so sensitive, and feels everything so deeply, and this was so, so hard.

DS soon became frightened if DH was not home from work on time or if I said he was still at work. We realized DS was afraid that DH might not come home. He thought Grammy was still at work and that's why he did not see her (not sure how his made made that connection, but it did). DS also didn't, and still does not, realize how permanent it is. This is normal. We had a special ceremony at her school a few months back (she was a teacher) and we couldn't figure out why DS was so cheery about it. Until we realized he thought we were going to see Grammy. I call tell you I have never felt such a pain in my chest ever before. Having to explain to him again and break his little heart again was almost too much for me to bear.

He does not ask for her or talk about her. I think it's still too painful for him, knowing him as I do. I have noticed that he's been more emotional the last few weeks, and I believe it is directly related to family members mentioning her and their sadness that she will not be here for Christmas. I expect an emotional meltdown over this as we get closer to Christmas.

I'm not sure if this helped at all, but I wanted to share an honest expereince with you. I am extremely emotional like my son so his reactins were very hard for me to handle while trying to keep myself together. There were times I could not keep myself together, and I think that's OK too. Parents have feelings too. DS and I would hug and he would say to me, "it's OK Mommy, I love you, don't be sad" while he was crying himself.

I'm so very sorry you are gong through this and I wish you and your family strength and love.

honeybearsgirl · December 2011

LOL, I wrote a book. I am sorry!

ilovemygirls · December 2011

I'm so sorry about what you & your family are going through. While we didn't lose a gparent, we lost a close friend of DH's very unexpectedly a few months ago. They called him 'uncle', he was like family. What I have found in navigating this with my kids- which has been totally new to us, haven't dealt with a death before- is just to be as honest as possible in an age appropriate way. They have had very difficult questions including very specifically how he died, what happened to his body, etc. We have tried to be very honest & open with them, and encourage any talking, drawing, etc to help them process the loss.

One of my bff's cared for her mother in the last few months of a terminal illness in the house with her family- her kids were around 5 & 2 at the time. While it was very difficult, she treasures that time because her mom got so much joy from the kids before she passed, They were also very open with their kids about what was going on and what was going to happen. Best of luck as you process this yourself, and figure out how to best meet your family's needs with this terrible news.

howleyshell · December 2011

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I'm sure it's gut wrenching to recount your experiences but it is very helpful to me and I appreciate it.

We'll do what we always do - the best we can.

I know we have tough times ahead but I'm so damned grateful that I was able to have my children and also grateful that they got to know my dad even it was for a relatively short time in their lives.

We won't be mentioning anything about Grandpa's cancer during this visit. He still looks like himself and I really think he wants one last hurrah as far as the holidays go so that's what we'll give him. Grandkids who are oblivious and a daughter full of smiles and strength.

We'll deal with the hard stuff as it comes.

Thanks for your advice.

SweetBaby2004 · December 2011

I am sorry to hear about your dad!

We lost FIL in Sept 2010 (DD#1 was 6, DS was 4 1/2, and DD#2 was 9 months) after a long battle with cancer (including chemo and radiation that took a serious physical toll on him that no one could miss when one would see him).

We sought guidance from our pedi on how to handle since to the kids, "sick" meant a cold or flu. He advised being open/honest but also age-appropriate. We ended up explaining that Grandpa was sick and had a type of sickness that wasn't like a cold. DD#1 told Grandpa the next time she saw him that he should go see a dr if he was sick, which made him laugh because he went to the dr so often.

As visits progressed and his condidtion got worse (he had head/neck cancer in the end and had radiation which made his face droop like he had had a stroke), we would explain that Grandpa was still sick and we would explain what they might expect. We told them that it was okay to ask questions if they had them, but to bring them to Mommy/Daddy rather than Nana/Grandpa and we would do our best to answer them.

As we got closer to the end (he battled for over 3 yrs), we explained that Grandpa would eventually die and we had to explain what that meant (won't see him anymore, he would be in Heaven, he wouldn't be sick anymore, and that it was okay to be sad about all that). The day he died, we explained all that again to remind them and to let them know THEY did nothing to cause this (our pedi reminded us to stress this because little kids will sometimes feel parents' sadness is caused by them or something they did). We cried in front of them and never hid our feelings or what was going on from them but tried to keep it in simple terms.

They handled everything very well, including the funeral (closed casket). They had a few questions and we did our best.

My grandmother passed last week and we told them about it. My DS (now 5 1/2) said, "Now Great-Grandma is in Heaven with Grandpa!"

pottermommy · December 2011

*Lurking from PGAL*

I have never posted on this board though I am active on PGAL. I have a 7 year old SD whom we have full custody of. When she was 4 our 2 year old DD passed away suddenly and 4 months later my mom (who lived with us, she was bed ridden) had a sudden stroke and passed as well.

Now alot of my explanation to her was based on our religion. We are christian and have taught her about heaven and Jesus and the cross etc. so it really depends on your beliefs if you can use this at all, but I thought I would share.

She was home when her sister died, I was at work. She still remembers it. What we told her was. Sometimes people can get very very hurt, so badly that it makes parts of their body not work anymore. When this happens we call the hospital and an ambulance comes and they take them to the best doctors that there are. The doctors try to fix what was hurt and make it better but sometimes the persons body is too bad hurt, and it can't get better.

Jesus loves everyone and doesn't want us to be in pain and be sick so when a Dr. can't fix it he brings that person to heaven. In heaven he gives you a good strong healthy body and her sister can play with other babies that are in heaven and be happy and be a little kid.

Now of course that brought up well why can't she bring her new body home? Our response, the new body is a special heaven body, and it can't come back here because your Earth body was broken a heaven body only works in heaven and we want Kamryn to be a happy, fun angel and not be in pain and be here not able to play so she has to stay in her heaven body in heaven with Jesus. Her Earth body (we didn't take Katelyn to the funeral we thought she was too young and didn't understand enough yet) that was broken we buried and put a stone with her picture on it. And Kamryn can always see her stone from Heaven and see the flowers and toys we leave at her stone and she can always hear us when we send prayers to Jesus and when we call out her name and talk to her.

A few months later mom died and we just explained that when a person gets really old and has had a long long full life their bodies do the same thing, they aren't strong enough and they too go to heaven for new bodies.

She is 7 now and still misses her sister and grammy, but she understands that they are ok, they aren't in any pain, and she isn't afraid for them nor is she afraid of the idea of death. She blows bubbles outside to heaven and when the wind blows them back towards her she laughs and says her baby is playing with her. She lets balloons go to heaven and I will often find her "talking" to heaven to tell her sister things that made her happy or mad.

We are now getting ready to have a baby and Katelyn makes certain to tell Kamryn everynight durring prayer that she will always love her and that Gabriel is her brother too and that she will teach him about her.

I know how we went about it can be controversial but I wouldn't change it, even her grief counselor worked with us and reenfoced the ideals we had and she has flourished.

Some books that we have that she did great with are: The saddest time, Grandma's scrapbook, and the ELF HELP series is great too.

Sorry so long and I am sorry for the hard time your family is going through.

Surfinbride · December 2011

I'm so sorry. It is terrible to have a parent that is teminally ill. It is even harder to try to explain it to your children.

Read as much as you can and tailor it to your little ones. You'll be able to tell by their questions and reactions how much they are able to understand.

My daughter was 5 when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. We explained cancer in the simplest terms. We went to visit as often as we could. We live in Seattle. My parents in Louisiana. My daughter, though young, noticed changes from visit to visit. However, she was never scared. When he was thin, had no hair, no eyebrows, he was still her wonderful Grampa. She acted like a normal, energetic kid. She uplifted his spirits. I'm sure your dad will appreciate seeing your kids' enthusiasm and joy.

I remember my dad saying, "She's so young. She won't even remember me." It broke my heart. She does remember him well. Every moment. Just yesterday, she said she missed him telling her the wolf story. Every Easter she gets Reece's peanut butter cups and sends them to heaven for Grampa.

If I were in your position, I would not worry now about the bigger, long term picture. I would plan a little bit at a time.

Young kids do well with little bits at a time. Start with something simple, like explaining that he isn't feeling well. The 5 year old may be able to process more... but, 3 is so young. Answer questions honestly, but simply. Let them know that that Grampa enjoys seeing them... but, he may be more tired. Give them special jobs. Drawing pictures, giving hugs, bringing a treat... those are things that they can do that will help your dad feel better.

Sending lots of love to you and your family.

MrsSR · December 2011

Someone mentioned this book: it's pretty good!

This one is nice as well, and this one too.

So sorry for your loss.

xp: death of a grandparent...

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