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Single Parents
Annya26
member
Terminating Parental Rights...
Annya26
member
I will try to keep this as short as possible!
I'm expecting my first child in just a couple of weeks and could really use the advice of some people who have already been down similar roads.
My ex and I were on and off, still great friends and then I got pregnant. I have always wanted kids, he has a child from a previous relationship and was a little traumatized and doesn't want any more. Since I got pregnant he has pretty much disappeared, offered no support financially, mentally, emotionally, etc. Luckily I have a wonderful family who are all incredibly supportive and we are all very excited about the baby regardless of how it happened and the less than desirable circumstances.
Recently I told him he was out of time (I could technically go at any time) and needed to make a decision about how he wanted to move forward. We discussed a variety of options but in the end it came down to him terminating his rights to the child. I gain sole custody, give up child support and he walks away. He maintains that he would like to visit the child (which I don't really get) but that remains to be seen. The reason I want sole custody is not so I can keep him away, but so that I can make sure my child's interests are always the main priority. I have recently discovered that there is a good chance that the person I thought was wonderful is actually an incredibly manipulative liar and while I am not a revengeful type person, it does concern me that if he can't be trusted my son is going to get hurt and let down.
I do not believe in forcing a man to be a father. I feel that all this does is create a rather poor example of a father and man, and a lot of drama. He already has a child and I know that he knows what it means to be a father and the love you have for a child, so I think that he is aware of what he is giving up and if that is the case then so be it.
So, trying to keep this short - having been through the different scenarios that you have all been through, if your child's father had asked to terminate their rights at birth, would have have encouraged/allowed it? Do you feel that this is something that would allow you to reduce the drama in you and your childs' life, or is there an angle that I am missing?
Going to speak with legal advisors tomorrow but would love the perspective of those who have been down similar roads.
TIA
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Terminating Parental Rights...
I wouldn't encourage him to give up the rights, I know what its like to have a dad not present as much as he should have been and that is the last thing I want for my daughter. However like you I dont believe in forcing a man to be a father, either you are going to be there or your not simple as that. What im not understanding is how he wants to give up his rights but is saying he will still visit.If that is the case im not sure how sole custody or terminating his rights would reduce drama if he still is allowed to come around.
Talk to a lawyer in your state. I know many states will not allow a parent to terminate their rights unless there is someone to take on that role. I know Ohio requires it.
I got married in 2009 and DH wants to adopt DS so we are trying to start the process but bio dad has not responded to any of our requests.
It sounds like he wants to have a relationship occasionally but not have to pay child support. I would think long and hard about this because what happens when your child asks about their dad. I think it would cause more harm emotionally to the child to know dad terminated his rights (and I grew up in a home where I never met my dad bc he left before i was born)
He wants/might want/ leave it open to see dc and no cs. I'm sorry but it looks like he's still manipulating you.
This.
Thank you all for your responses!
I met with the lawyer this morning and while he was COMPLETELY useless (wouldn't listen to me, left the room 6 times in a 15 min appointment, took a personal call on his cell, and provided almost no info :S) I did find out that there is absolutely nothing that can be done before LO is born - and I need to find a new source for legal advice.
Good points all around. I guess part of me feels bad charging someone for child support for a child they didn't/don't want to the point of trying to get me (repeatedly!) to give the baby up for adoption. Seems sort of unfair to me that I get a choice in the matter and he doesn't.. It is a good point about it being for LO though and it WILL be tough being a self employed single mother.
As far as what I will tell my child, I don't think it matters whether he terminates his rights or not as he has made it very clear that regardless of the circumstances he is not willing to be a father. He refuses to tell his family that this baby exists, and I'm pretty sure there is a lot more going on behind the scenes then I realize. Unfortunately that leaves me trying to explain regardless of how things sit legally...
It does however now that I have had more time to think about it/read the responses sound pretty manipulative that he wants to sign off all responsibility but show up and play with his kid when it suits him. I also after thinking about it am pretty sure that the only time/reason he will show up is when he starts feeling guilty about being a dead beat. Ugh.... Does anyone happen to know, if a father doesn't participate and you have sole custody, and then he decides when the child is older that he suddenly wants partial custody - can he get it? Would he be required to pay back payment on CS before taking partial custody? Or is this different varying from place to place? (I'm in Ontario)
I just want to make sure my baby is protected as best I can and have no idea where to begin or what decision will be the best.
He did have a choice...not have unprotected sex. I would not feel bad for him at all. I am sure he knows sex makes babies. He sounds like a jerk.
CS has nothing to do with visitation/custody. My friend's ex-H pays CS once every few months and is a few thousand behind but he gets to still pick up the kids on his weekends.
Like I mentioned in a previous response, when your our child son asks about his dad what will you tell him. If you did allow him to terminate his rights, will you tell your child that? IMO that could cause more harm than knowing he has a dad who doesnt come around much or at all. I am speaking from experience....my dad was a deadbeat and I never saw him, which hurt, but what hurt worse is my mom telling me he didn't want to have a child.
I would give your son your last name. I would also file for CS after the birth...because CS is not a punishment, it is to provide for the child that two people created. I would not feel guilty because you are putting your child 1st. I would not allow him to terminate his rights (maybe when you meet a great man who loves you and your son you can consider this).
CS is also separate from visitation so if you file CS it does not give him visitation/custodial rights. He would have to pay and file for a judge to hear that.
I was in your shoes in wanting to forego cs and just allowing the father to visit. I thought this because he made my life a living hell when he found out I was pregnant. I could only imagine what it would be like when the baby arrived and he had to pay cs. I STILL can't imagine it and I dread the day I see him in court when the baby is born.
HOWEVER, what these women tell you is pretty much right on the money. They're living this experience and have been through what you and I have not.
#1. He had the same rights and decision making as you: you both chose not to use a condom and have unprotected sex. He actually knew more than you in the sense that he already had a child. If he didn't want to be a father then he KNEW full well what to do to prevent a second occurrence. Wouldn't you be scared ****-less to have unprotected sex with someone if you had a lo and you didn't want another one? He made his decision right then and there.
#2. Would he have felt bad for YOU if you'd decided to have an abortion or opt for adoption and it wasn't what YOU wanted? Will he feel bad for you when you're carrying the baby for 9 months and then giving birth while he moves on with his life as if the baby doesn't exist (since that's how he's reacting now anyhow)?
#3. Just like many people said: Cs does NOT equal visitation. Receiving CS from the father does not mean he'll get visitation rights.
#4. You might have family nearby to help you but even so... you are sacrificing quite a bit to raise the baby on your own. Being a full time working single mom is going to be exhausting. I've been listening to a few of my close friends who just also recently had children. One in particular has a supportive husband and family and even so she explained something to me the other day. Things that we take for granted, like going grocery shopping are no longer so easy and carefree. She described attempting to maneuver a baby in a stroller (because the child seat didn't fit in the shopping cart) and carry a shopping basket in the other hand. In the end she left quite frustrated because she wasn't so successful at doing both. She had her family stay with her for a few weeks after birth but then had her husband to help with feedings and wake up throughout the night to help her. She finally decided to hire an at home sitter once or twice a week so that she could sleep and run errands. These sitters are expensive! And so is childcare! At some point you will need the extra money and it won't be for YOU its for the child. As someone said: if you find yourself being able to provide and meet for all of lo's needs then put the money in an account and save it for lo's college fund. Not to be a debbie downer but I also ponder "what if something happens to me?". I know my family would lovingly look after my baby but I can't fathom my parents living of of social security/ retirement fund and struggling to raise my lo. Save the cs for your lo for whatever they might need!
I hope you've found this forum helpful. I find coming here has been so helpful throughout this entire process.
Good points all around, and I'm starting to think I'm just being too soft on him because I feel "bad" about his prior situation.
The sex wasn't unprotected, I was on the pill - but yes he definitely could have chosen to wear a condom, and considering he already had one child that was by accident that is a very valid point that you would think he would have been terrified enough to chose to do so.
I'm going to continue researching the visitation/custody/CS laws in my area and try to become as informed as possible before making any decisions. I am thinking that at this point I will file for sole custody and then go from there. If he continues to push hard for termination of rights then I will look into it further, but I want to have a better idea of WHY that is what he wants and all of the rest before taking such a big step.
Another question, if anyone knows the answer? A PP recommended giving my LO my last name, but he and I actually have the same last name. (No we are not related - he's black, I'm white and no connections or ties, just one of the most popular last names in the world) Does this give him any rights automatically, or should I just leave him off the birth certificate altogether?
I feel like I'm being paranoid, but I really felt like I knew this person and his actions over the past nine months have floored myself and everyone else who knows him so I want to keep all of my bases covered just incase things get ugly.
Since you both have the same last name, it's totally irrevelant. It will NOT automatically give him any rights to your LO. In the state I had my son in, you couldn't even put anyone down as the father, unless they were there to sign the document, verifying it. So, you may not even have the option of putting him on the birth certificate, since I doubt he'll be there for the birth,
Definitley pursue child support, whether you need it or not. Even though he didn't want another child, he was still responsible for creating this one and needs to at least be financially responsible for taking care of him/her. Once you file for child support and it becomes court ordered, he still has no rights to the child and cannot see the child without your permission. If he wants to petition the court for visitation rights, he can, but he'll have to go through hell to get it, since he had already expressed his desire to terminate his rights.
You really need to find a new lawyer. If you're in the Portland, OR area, I know of a great one that can explain your rights and the father's...and believe me, in pretty much every state, you're the one with all the rights and he has pretty much none. And as far as I know, he cannot have his parental rights terminated except in cases of child abuse/neglect or if you get married.
In case anything does "get ugly" at a later date, make sure you document everything that happens. When you speak to him, write down anything related to your LO and the date and time. If he sends anything or helps you/LO out in anyway, document that too. It will all help you in the future if things end up in court.
This is all stuff I've learned first hand (very similar situation to yours). I know it's stressful now, but I know you'll get through it. If you have other questions, feel free to PM me. Hope this helped :-)
Most States will not allow a father to terminate his parental rights; it's actually a Federal thing. Unless someone else is ready and willing to legally adopt your child and assume the role as the father (aka: financial responsibility), the State won't allow it. This way, if you go on Cash Aid/welfare/food stamps, etc., the State has someone to go after for repayment.
Also, in my State (CA) any child support order made is retroactive to the date of filing. This is done so hat I the matter gets drawn out for several months, th father is still on the hook for all the time that passed. My suggestion is to have your State's child support agency handle the opening of the case. They'll take care of the paperwork, Court filing, serving him the papers, wage garnishment or other collection and enforcement. Plus they keep impeccable records of payments and when he falls far enough behind they handle bank liens, suspending his drivers license and intercept tax returns for payment of the arrearages. Unfortunately, being behind in payments bears no impact on visitation. But failure to pay will haunt him (and his credit score and ability to ever buy/sell a home or car) even after the child turns 18.
Having the same last name won't give him any additional rights. Just make sure you document every visit he ever has with the child. Keep every email, every text message, anything that shows his desire (or lack thereof ) for involvement with your child. This will come in handy if there is ever a legal issue later regarding custody/visitation.
I know this is a lot of info to take in. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
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