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Another family Christmas dilemma--who's right?
So SFIL called DH today to tell us that he and MIL haven't sent any presents for Luke. (They live out of state and we won't see them for this holiday.) DH is beyond pissed. We sent their gifts up last week. In fact he's decided that next year we're going to wait till after Christmas, get something on sale and send it up when we get time--just to prove a point. I told him that's passive aggressive and goes against the spirit of the season. Plus, for at least 18 years they gave him a nice Christmas and it's disrespectful to not send his parents (just SFIL and MIL, FIL is a dream. We all adore him) anything.
He's upset because 1) his kid is getting the shaft when we all know that his sister's kids (who live down the street from ILs) will get plenty of gifts and 2) that eventually Luke's going to realize that his grandparents (not including FIL) didn't send him anything and will get his feelings hurt. I suggested it could be a teaching moment--early on about the true meaning of Christmas (giving, not receiving, family, friends, etc.) and later about not procrastinating. He shut the conversation down at that point and said, "I can't talk about this anymore because I'm getting really mad."
So who's right? Shoud we get around to SFIL and MIL's gifts (if any) whenever we have time? Should we carry on as normal and try to put a positive spin on it as Luke gets older and realizes what's going on? FWIW, this is completely a procrastination/out of sight out of mind issue for SFIL and MIL, not a lack of funds.
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Re: Another family Christmas dilemma--who's right?
Tell them to send you $$$ and you'll buy gifts from them for Christmas day for Luke.
And I think, in essence, you're right, but I'm not that nice and would lean toward doing the thing your husband wants to do. It *is* about the spirit of giving and stuff, but man, I'd be really angry about it regardless. I say you just tell them maybe next year to go ahead and spend the money they would have spent on your TWO kids on themselves and say it's from you and you'll do the same. Done and done.
You're right. But, you're also a lot less emotionally invested. You can see how it could potentially hurt Luke, but right now, it's hurting your DH that his parents didn't send something for their grandchild.
I'm w/ ya, though, Froggi. Today, Jack helped me wrap all of the (non-kid) gifts so that we could talk about the care we take in selecting gifts we thought people would love (and being Catholics, I tried to work in the message of God's gift to us). This is definitely an opportunity to teach Luke that it's the season of giving.
I think that you are totally right, but I get why your husband is upset. I know that when I get mad I usually totally freak out at first, throw out wild ways of getting revenge or some form of satisfaction, then later calm down and see things like a normal rational person.
Give your husband some time. I bet that at least by next Christmas he'll have simmered down enough to just do things as normal
I understand why he's upset (my step-sister and I were not treated equally at all when I was growing up) but I think that you are in the right. For me, it's the same thing as Christmas cards. My family is never going to send out Christmas cards, but I send them to them anyway. Gifts should not be given out of obligation, but because you want to give them. It's more important to give than to receive (in my opinion.)
I remember it being very awkward when we had Christmas with my step-mother's family because my step-sister would get tons of gifts and I would get one or two. My feelings weren't hurt, but it was slightly embarrassing for all present because she and I would be sitting right next to each other and we are the same age. Personally, I don't think it will make that much of a difference to Luke especially if he's not there with his cousins seeing the inequity.
I think you're right, but understand why he's so upset. It's his parent, and no matter how much we lower our expectations and resign ourselves to the fact that we can't change who they are as people, our parents can still hurt our feelings without even trying. Add in the protective daddy side of things and it makes things even worse.
But I definitely like your way of handling it going forward better, and I bet he comes around to that as well, when things cool off.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this! Family is hard.
I think MC hit the nail on the head re: emotional investment.
As L gets older, if Christmas gifts continue to come late, it will just be another present opening day for him. Yay!
As far as begrudging grandparents, I never noticed that one grandma didn't send anything when my sisters and I were growing up. The few Christmases we were at her house was the same as kiarox mentioned- my dad got us each a stuffed animal from Kmart and all my cousins that lived by grandma got tons of presents from her. It was only then that we noticed- otherwise we would have been none the wiser.
If he's sending anything at all, that's very nice. Post offices are a PITA this time of year.