FIL issue — The Bump
Military Families

FIL issue

Im just needing to vent this out with some others who might possibly understand my situation (Ive already vented this to my only close friend out here where we are, a fellow military wife) and if you have any advice for me please do share!

This is our first deployment, first homecoming, first pregnancy, everything - and Im due January 1st, but my dr doesnt expect me to make it that long, he said he will be surprised if I make it through Christmas --

Our first homecoming is very very soon, as in this week, and FIL decides to spring it on me last minute that he is coming out to the homecoming ceremony WITH dh very spoiled and un-disciplined younger half sister! First reason Im pissed, is that he waited until LAST MINUTE to call me and tell me he was on his way out expecting to stay at our house for some time WITH dh younger sister! - HELLO I am 9 months pregnant, I DO NOT want company, especially not when his FIL is a chain smoker who (granted yes he atleast respects our rule of smoking outside the house) constantly reeks of smoke, and doesn't discipline his sister, she gets away with everything! Second - is that I cant say anything to him (well I could, but it would get to dh before I could explain the situation, and that would result in a fight between us, and I dont want that to be the first memory of him being home) because it goes in one ear & out the other unless it comes from dh!

Second vent about FIL - when talking to him the other week about dh coming home and giving him updates (I was in the hospital twice thinking it was the real thing, pesky BH) he informed me that he wants to be here when the baby is born! OOHHH Lit a fire under my rear! The big part that gets me is that he said "Now dont take any offense to this, but I want to be there when the baby is born like I was when Rylinn was born (our neice) and take pictures of it all and then while he is in the nursery, so dont take any offense but its just a grandpa thing" EXCUSE ME?!?!! I was so blown away by what he said that I couldnt think of a response at the time, but HELL NO! I DO NOT want FIL at the hospital, I DO NOT want visitors while I am in labor, and I sure as hell do not want anyone else to see or hold my baby until myself and dh get the chance to!  - Backstory on FIL with my neice's birth -- He was in the freaking room the WHOLE time, labor & delivery of her! He would NOT leave, regardless of how many times BIL wife told him to leave he wouldnt go (granted BIL doesnt have much of a backbone and wouldnt tell his dad to leave, so that didnt help much, but still!) UGHH!! I cant tell him that he is not allowed up at the hospital, because that would not be fair since my parents will be up there waiting, so it wouldnt be fair to dh to tell him MY parents can come and wait but his cant (I wouldnt mind MIL coming, I love her! - and FIL & MIL are divorced) -- I tried to tell dh already about what his dad had said, but over instant messaging it is hard to convey things...and I had told him that the only other people allowed in the room would be one of my parents to relieve him so he could go get food or whatever, but only my parents can come in while Im in labor, and that the issue isnt so much that his dad would be there, but I am more worried his dad would want to insist on being IN the room, and I made it clear that I dont want anyone to see lo or hold him untill the 3 of us had some time just the three of us. I asked him if that sounded unreasonable and he said no, but my thing is relaying it back to FIL who is a hard headed stubborn ass! This is our first child, and the fact that dh was lucky enough to be able to come home before baby is born, is a miracle in itself, and I do not want FIL to ruin it for us!

Okay theres my vent - sorry so long, but it has been building up for the last week and half, Any input or advice will be greatly appreciated!

Re: FIL issue

  • "Your time line really doesn't work for us.  Thanks, but you can't come right now."  Simple, say no. 
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Loading the player...
  • What is it with grandparents that think they have some special status to do as they please?  Simply tell him no.  If you are too intimidated to do it over the phone, email him if possible.  Quite honestly, I'd tell him if he wanted to be at the homecoming, more power to him, but he cannot stay at your home.  Tell him to get a hotel.  It is certainly easier said than done, but if those boundaries aren't set at some point, it'll be a battle forever.  It will eventually create tension between you and your H, and you certainly don't want that.  Good luck with your FIL and the new baby!
    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Loading the player...
  • imageiluvmytxrgr:
    "Your time line really doesn't work for us.  Thanks, but you can't come right now."  Simple, say no. 

    Yes... 

    You are an adult and don't have to put up with his shenanigans if you really dont want to. Boundaries are a wonderful thing.

    I don't know about your H, but mine would be pissed if his father and sister were crashing at our place right after he got home from deployment.

    image
  • I agree with PPs that he needs to be told no, but I think it's important that, if at all possible, YH give him a quick call and be the one to say no.

     

    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • Just tell them to get a hotel for the homecoming. Say the doctor told you to not have any visitors right now, or something. Also say no visitors while you're in labor.

    Also, where are you delivering? At the Naval Hospital where I am, there is a strict no photos/video rule. You can ALWAYS get the nurses to play interference, too. Or, even better, just dont' call and say you're in labor. Very simple. I think you're overdoing the fairness thing. YOU'RE the one in labor and recovering, it's your call.

    We're not calling anyone until after baby is born, and we've already got a rule that no one can come and stay with us until we say so (~6-8 weeks after we come home). Mostly because my parents are normal and wait to be invited, but MIL and FIL just show up uninvited (case in point-- DH specifically told MIL not to come for Christmas as we had alternate plans, and she emailed him her itinerary last week and is coming today. We are being nice and letting her stay with us, but one annoying thing she does-- she drives me crazy-- and DH assured me he'll drive her to a hotel). Either way, I've made it very clear to DH that I only want my family around when I'm recovering. Yes, it's "not fair" but I'm the one going through it and I'm not comfortable with his parents, and I'm the one recovering. If they show up univited, they are not staying with us, and will have to follow our rules about coming over, etc.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Say no and stop giving people details of your husband's troop movement.
    Twin boys due 7/25/12
  • imageiluvmytxrgr:
    "Your time line really doesn't work for us.  Thanks, but you can't come right now."  Simple, say no. 
     

    This exactly. There is no way in hell I would have allowed my FIL to be in the room when I delivered DD!! 

    Pregnancy Ticker


    image


    Natural M/C 1.10 MMC 1.13 CP 12.13
    This is for all the caterpillars that never became butterflies. And for all the butterflies that never felt the wind in their wings. And for all the hearts that had hopes and dreams of a wondrous flight together.
  • yikes, I hope this doesnt happen....

    How frustrating. I toured 2 hospitals and they both said "what mom says is what goes". So you can at least count on the nurses helping you out with who you want in the room, as for the nursery you can give similar directions and hope grandpa isnt a smooth talker.

     I would also stop giving updates to future grandpa, let your husband do that when he is back. I took the chicken route and in response to my father inlaws voicemails left an email because I actually have been busy and working and very pregnant with a husband on deployment so I don't have time for his "help".

    I had my father inlaw and aunt inlaw visit to help and all they did was create excessive work for me last month.  I too am trying to avoid surprise visits from these 2 as I get closer to my due date. My husband is also due back a few days before the due date. I feel for ya its a sticky situation. Right now I'm avoiding them and hoping they get the message!  We are also going to set dates when people can visit because father inlaw doesn't work so he can scarily show up whenever and stay as long as he wants.

     Good Luck!

  • imageRstar120109:

     First reason Im pissed, is that he waited until LAST MINUTE to call me and tell me he was on his way out expecting to stay at our house for some time WITH dh younger sister! - HELLO I am 9 months pregnant, I DO NOT want company, especially not when his FIL is a chain smoker who (granted yes he atleast respects our rule of smoking outside the house) constantly reeks of smoke, and doesn't discipline his sister, she gets away with everything! 

    He was in the freaking room the WHOLE time, labor & delivery of her! He would NOT leave, regardless of how many times BIL wife told him to leave he wouldnt go (granted BIL doesnt have much of a backbone and wouldnt tell his dad to leave, so that didnt help much, but still!) UGHH!! I

     

    First thing, 3rd hand smoke is just as dangerous as second hand, a chain smoker, even if they dont smoke in the house, will transfer nicotine residue to anything they touch or sit on etc. I would flat out tell him unless he quit smoking he is not allowed to stay in the house and he needs to get a hotel.  

    Second, if this is how he acts in the hospital, tell him  he can visit after the baby is born and you are rested and if he can not respect that, you arent afraid to call hospital security on him. That kind of behavior would stress me out to the point of endangering my baby and myself. Its not healthy, respectful or at all loving. If he truly cares about you and LO he will respect your wishes, and if he cant seem to do that, he doesnt need to be there because his reasons are selfish. 


    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

  • Grow a backbone and say "no".  Simple and drama free unless you make it dramatic.  I have never had anyone at homecoming other than myself and my children.  I have never had anyone at the birth of my children other than my husband.  You simply say NO.

    And you know how to solve the pesky "if I say something to FIL it will get back to DH before I have time to explain" problem?  Um - tell DH first.  Simple.

     

    Married 6/28/03

    Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10

    4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014

    *~*~*~*~*

    No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.

    "Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens

     

  • We delivered on base and it was supposed to be just me and DH but his dad and stepmom flew down as soon as they heard I was in labor...his dad showed up and was quiet in the corner reading the whole time. His stepmother on the other hand literally walked in while I was freaking pushing! I was livid. She then tried to carry on a conversation with me while I was pushing.  I completely regret not telling the nurses to not let anyone in.  I completely regret not setting boundaries or telling my husband that she was not allowed in.  Stand up for yourself and your child bc you are the only one who will.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards